NUKE IT FROM ORBIT THEN STAB IT WITH A KNIFE

[A®heim]

<<To be played as you read>>

Space. The final frontier.



These are the voyages of the Starship Shock Hammer.



It's eternal mission: to destroy strange new worlds;



to obliterate new life and new civilizations;



to boldly eviscerate what no man has eviscerated before.
















EMP Torpedos.

Presssent.

Ionic particle batteries 1 through 8.

Armed...ready, sssir.

Targeting systems.

Locked.

A wicked smile plastered itself on Rah's face as he made the minor adjustments to stay on the shuttlecraft's tail. Working for the Republic had its pros--mainly in security of contract and at least some level of legality in one's work--but when the Empire gave you a job, you could be sure you were going to have a lot more fun.

Fire.

One of the eight ion emitters ringing the formidable warship pulsed with a searing blue light before the particle beam burst forth, carving the tiny, unarmed shuttle open in a shower of brilliant sparks. Travel to Vendaxa and cause as much chaos and destruction as possible? This was a wish come true! The Feeorin hadn't even decided if he would rather land on the planet and terrorize the populace, or just nuke it from orbit yet!

A pale figure, sucked from shattered hull of the former safari tour vessel, drifted by the port view screen--eyes widened on a pallid and very dead face. It made it about halfway across before it burst into smoldering dust as a green turbolaser beam struck it. Hissing laughter sounded from the gunnery station on his left, he wasn't the only one enjoying this.

"New acquisition: Bulk freighter. Standard armaments replaced with additional cargo pods. Sensors detect light fighter escort." The navigator spoke formally, but it didn't take a detective to see she was having the time of her life.

Give 'er escort the full spread then link fer the crown a' thorns!

An 'aye sir' later, and three of the particle cannons burned through the ether. Two of the fighter burst like popcorn, the third almost managing to roll out of the lethal energy's path only to collide with the very ship it was intended to protect. The blue pinpoints of light remained on these batteries, joined by the other five until the Shock Hammer was ringed entirely. One by one, the spaces between the emitters were arced, shrouding the ship in a turbulent sapphire halo.

Firing from emitter sssixss...

One of the points of light on the upper left of the ship shined with even greater intensity for just a moment before that single beam of incredible white-hot ion particles jumped towards its prey. The freighter's shields flared in the blink of an eye and fell, the beam continuing to turn the hull into molten slag as it passed through.

"She's been disabled, Captain. Shall we prepare to board?"

Rah stared out the bridge at his crippled quarry as if in deep consideration. A vessel of that size would have no small amount of precious cargo, not to mention whatever trinkets of interest the salvage crews always brought back. Ships like that were veritable treasure troves.

He lowered his head slightly and waved it off with one large, calloused hand. Nah. Nuke it.

Loaded.

Locked.

Armed.

Deployed.

The Shock Hammer peeled off and began its descent towards the surface of Vendaxa. Behind it, the almost inperceivable speck of the EMP torpedo collided with the hull of the freighter.

A blinding flash.

Nothing.

I love this job.


EDIT: SOMEONE REPLACED MY BLOODY NUKE WITH MILEY CYRIS!

[Regnier]

Raynes.

Hated.

Jawas.

And, come on, pirate Jawas? That was just too much. Even so, he'd been remarkably calm throughout the situation, being hit with an ion cannon, boarded...but no, this was too much. As soon as the first of the diminutive creatures had come through the airlock waving a ion rifle and screaming something unintelligible, he'd lost it. Not even bothering to arm himself, the metal-plated behemoth had simply lunged before the rest of his crew had time to realize what exactly was going on, and then the blood...oh, the blood. Anda hadn't thought it possible for creatures so small to bleed so much, and yet, the proof was everywhere. Literally.

Just listening to the sounds coming through the airlock was enough to prevent any of the Mandalorians go through; maybe it was for the best, maybe it was a horrible thing, either way, it was painfully obvious that Raynes had gone way off the deep end.

-----

Plowing into real-space above Vendaxa just as a small freighter vanished from existence in a brilliant flash, a piece of the HMS Utinni flew off the side in a minor internal explosion. Followed closely by the Aay'han, the Utinni was obviously not under the complete control of the pilot, proven as the frigate began a lazy spiral towards the planet. But then, what did you expect with a Jawa pilot? They can't reach the pedals!

Shortly before the ship entered the planet's atmosphere, the bridge's main viewport shattered under tremendous force as the body of a Jawa backed by a massive metal appendage impacted it three or four times. Or was it five? Honestly, it was hard to keep track of these things in a blood rage. Latching onto a terminal to prevent himself from being sucked out, as a handful of dead, and some live, Jawas were. But one, one in a full suit of sealed armor and wielding a repeating ion rifle held on. It was, quite possibly, the largest Jawa Raynes had ever seen.

The boss.

As he lunged, the Jawa clambered outside the ship, firing a few pot-shots wildly as he climbed along the outside of the ship. Raynes followed, doggedly pursuing the filthy klepotomaniacal creature. As her neared, the Jawa stopped and turned, setting himself as he opened fire on the juggernaut. Shrugging off the bolts like small rocks, Raynes grabbed a piece of the comm' array shaped like an L and tore it off. By the time the realization had fully dawned upon the Jawa, it was far too late.

-----

As they watched Raynes swing and winced at the deafening roar coming through their earpieces, the crew of the Aay'han switched their comm's off, cutting off the behemoth's sentence mid-way.

"FOR-"

And then the improvised club hit, sending the white-armored Jawa off the ship towards the planet at remarkable speed.

"Hole in one..."

"Bet that'll look like a little birdie from planetside."

-----

Gripping pieces of the ship and latching firmly on, Raynes bellowed something that never made it past his helmet as they broke atmosphere, riding the ship all the way down.

"PAR MAND'ALOR!"

Maybe it was just the adrenaline, but right now...

Raynes.

Hated.

Planets.

[Jazen]

There are just some things in life that, while you can go without them for long periods of time, eventually the body would need to succumb to doing those things, lest they go insane. For a man addicted to deathsticks, it was was indulging in that particular habit. For a being who craved the urge to mate with anything and everything it could, eventually they found something to sedate their lust. And for Thel, allowing himself to truly let go of the moral part of his brain and release himself to his primitive side to fight was his.

It would probably take some form of explanatory later to the captain of this vessel while a fair amount of his small crew was being sent to the medical ward, but at the moment, Thel didn't care nor bother to try thinking of one. He was simply lost in the moment.

He had been passing by this sector when his urge for violence suddenly sprung to life, almost making him eject himself from the tiny confines of his small fighter. It boiled his blood, made his muscles tense like the coiling of a snake, forced him to grind his four sets of teeth together. If anyone had been able to see him at that exact moment, it would have been like watching a feral animal in a cage - trying to escape but knowing that trying would lead only to pain and possibly death.

Luck had saved him from his insanity that day, as the vessel that appeared suddenly near Vendaxa granted him permission to dock. Maybe it had something to do with him being a lone Mando out in the middle of nowhere, where they could do anything to him and o one would be the wiser. Or maybe they did it on a whim. Either way, it granted Thel access to what he wanted at that moment - space to vent. And when he vents, anything that tries to interrupt him becomes a source for that venting to escape.

And that is exactly how it went down. Eight of the ship's crewmembers had approached the venting Thel in the craft's training room. At blaster point, they said they'd like to "buy" his ship, his armor and his sword. And that this little deal could go down the easy way...or the fun way. One of them made the mistake of shoving Thel when he didn't answer them, instead going back to what he was doing.

That one ended up face first into the wall, his bones snapping and cracking from the impact. Before the seven other men even had time to fully understood what had happened, Thel's serpent like eyes locked on the one with the blaster. He was halfway across the room a moment later, landing with rather sickening thud as he came down head first. Thel found the sound he made funny.

By now the others had finally come to realize that Thel wasn't going to hand over the stuff willingly. Poor little humans; how they ever managed to reach the stars with such pitiful intelligence always amazed Thel. Or how they could be seen as a threat with such weak, frail bodies.

Instinct and bliss taking over in one fell swoop, Thel descended on the six as they started to begin whatever counterattack they had come up with. The first of them tried drawing his own blaster to shoot Thel. He was as stupid as he was clumsy; the blaster hadn't even cleared the holster as he struggled with it before Thel smashed his giant hands against the man's head, then doubled him over with a pounding kick to the midsection.

The others didn't even try to draw a weapon or rather, most of them weren't carrying them for some reason. Again, The; laughed at how stupid humans could be. He always carried a weapon, even if it was the smallest blade possible. The next few minutes were a scene of chaos and destruction. If anyone had been watching when this particular incident was occurring, they would have found that it timed perfectly to the events happening outside the ship. How often do such a thing happen? Not often.

By the end, Thel was using one of the limp bodies as a punching bag, being careful now not to kill the man. He enjoyed hearing him groan with each hit and when he lasped into a state of blackness, Thel would switch who he was using. When someone finally bounded along, Thel was already on the second man he had beat down, humming as he pounded away on him. At the smell of someone new, Thel turned his head and looked to the man, then to the carnage around him. He merely shrugged.

" I did you a favor. I weeded out the weak and useless. Besides, they shouldn't die from this. Well....most of them shouldn't.

So, where can I get something to eat?"

[Talau the Ever-Lurking]

Vendaxa…

Oh what a wonderful world it was, really…

Chalk full of insane, flesh eating, spiny, spiky, toothy, eat-you-alive-y creatures…and even people.

This happened to be one of those people, after all, and he…or maybe it was a she? (it wasn’t really obvious with all the patchy and layered material and mess of brown hair)…enjoyed the planet for that very reason. Armed with little more than a hatchet, a machete, a bandoleer of smoke bombs, a few daggers, some throwing knives, a heavy repeater, some water balloons and a rubber chicken (hey, that rubber chicken had saved his…her?...it’s life more times than it wished to admit), the human…or was he (she) a zeltron? (it was difficult to tell through the mud)…wandered fairly aimlessly through the dense jungles.

Of course, it wasn’t really trying to hide its presence either, singing something about random jell-o formations, cookie cutters and making jelly out of eyes. Obviously the poor creature was hungry…or…something. Perhaps it just really liked jello? Either way, as it was passing through one of the open fields, a sudden whistling sound made it look up…moments before a blur of white, followed by a sickening crack, crunch, and thump was heard. The splattered Jawa at its feet sent the crazed being running at top speeds, all yellow-eyed, black teeth, screamin' like a demon at the top of its lungs into the little trade town not far off. In one hand was the heavy repeater, the other holding the rubber chicken, he…it…waved both menacingly. ”The Crawfish is jello! FRELLING ALBINOS!!! Nobody stop moving!!! This is a chicken!”

Of course, to emphasize the point it gesticulated with its whole body, especially the rubber chicken. Needless to say the slowly spiraling Mando ship had managed to land somewhere near by…only moments after the pirate ship currently being bombarded by a rampaging…something. Not that the gender (and species) challenged being rampaging through the settlement knew any of this…or cared. It was far more interested in eating women’s hair and chasing the dogs….

[Kella]

Vendaxa was a nice place if you were one of those insane, flesh eating, spiny, spiky, toothy, eat-you-alive-y creatures.

This creature happened to check the box marked 'all of the above'.

When you were a mindless killer, life was pretty simple.

Sleep when you want to, where you want to.

When you're hungry, if it moves, it's food.

When you're not hungry, if it moves, it's food.

If it smells like you, it's invading your territory, in which case you fight it 'till it limps off, and if it dies, it's food.

If it doesn't smell like you, then it's food.

Water is for drinking.

Fire is shiny.

The end.

So when on the wind rises a scent that does not smell like you, and does not smell like plants, you go to investigate.

So that's what the mindless killing machine did.

[Regnier]

Smoke billowed from the wreckage of the recently-crashed ship, which had cracked clean in half shortly after impact, and was still mostly very much on fire, emphasized by the random explosion from within tearing a hole through another section of hull, spraying shrapnel into the burning jungle around the trail it had carved through the dirt and trees. A pirate ship loaded with weaponry from recent conquests wasn't something you wanted to set fire to if you were anywhere near it. Otherwise, it made a fantastic fireworks display.

Half-way between the two sections of the ship, a pile of wreckage easily weighing over a ton shifted slightly, before a piece flew off the side under the force of an extremely heavy impact. The armored boot that had caused it withdrew into the heap again, and a few seconds later, another piece was lifted off the pile and heaved to the side like a toy, partially exposing the armor-plated behemoth lying beneath it. Shaking himself free of the debris, the still-smoking giant stepped clear of the pile and brushed little burning pieces of something unidentifiable and ashes off his still superheated armor. Normally, he would have probably stripped his armor and let it cool before donning it again, but today...no, today he didn't even notice. Hooking a thumb beneath his helmet, he disengaged the seal and pulled it off, holding it against his hip as he surveyed his surroundings with a withering glower that probably caused some small-furry creature a heart-attack.

Rolling his neck with a few clearly audible cracks, he stepped off into the jungle as his comm came to life. "Naast, you still alive?"

"Elek."

"Still pissed?"

"Elek. Find me something to kill."

Not a hundred meters from the crash-site, Raynes stopped, turning his head slightly to listen. Something had caught his ear, something he'd heard more than a few times in his career. Unmistakable to those that have encountered it was the enraged cry of an acklay. Pulling his helmet once more over his head, the behemoth smiled coldly as he turned to wait for the beast as it bore through the jungle towards the prey that had interrupted its hunt so thoroughly. Lunging as it came into the small clearing, the beast threw its weight at the Mandalorian, snapping a massive claw at his head. Raynes dropped low under the blow, came forward a few steps, and threw all the power his body and armor possessed into his legs. The acklay staggered back, nearly losing balance under the sheer force of impact to its sternum, and scarcely had time to react as the small piece of moving metal it had planned to eat climbed onto its back.

Now, an acklay's shell is notably quite durable, but not durable enough.

-----

Stepping into the outer limits of the nearest settlement, a trade town, just in time to see an odd...human...oid...ish...thing run past after a dog with...a rubber chicken? Raynes shook his head. Whatever. Dragging the remains of an acklay behind him, he pressed on, leaving a sizable trail of green blood, which was also splattered over most of his armor. The acklay, oddly enough, looked as though it had been bludgeoned to death. Now, this sight obviously garnered more than a few odd looks, but one man, bolder than the rest, approached the lumbering giant and decided to attempt to strike a bargain.

"Sir, how much for the co-"

The sentence was cut off by the sickening, wet crunch of the human skull imploding under horrendous force. "Not for sale."

Turning slightly to the sound of charging blasters, Raynes grunted. Backing up, he propped the head of the dead beast up slightly, latched onto the side of its neck, and pulled, heaving the monster around him like he was in a hammer-toss and hurling it at the nearest group of armed individuals. "I hereby claim this worthless settlement in the name of SPAIN!"