Okay, thought I'd get started on this, since I don't feel motivated enough to do an RP post. ;p
But it's late, so I'm not sure how far I'll get.
Anyway, here goes:
* Name/race/age/height/weight:
-- All good.. especially the name.
* Birthplace:
-- If you could list a city, that would be preferable. Make up a name, if you have to, or even just say 'capital city' or something.
* Appearance:
-- I'd like a bit more detail here... Like, what does he wear, usually? Describe him a bit more. Pretend I don't know what a Neimodian already looks like.
* Personality:
-- This is fine.
* Occupation/rank:
-- If he's self-employed, you could always say 'owner' or something for rank... or leave it blank or whatever.
* Skills:
-- Though this is optional and I'm not too strict with it, I'm not sure his underworld connections are really a skill. But the rest are fine.
* Equipment:
-- When the droids get accepted, it'd be better to have a link up here, instead of at the bottom, for easier reference.
The robes and hat would probably be better suited up in appearance, and not here.
I'm iffy on the droid controller as well, being equipment. This could stay or go.
The rest is fine.
* Stats:
-- At the moment the stats for intelligence and leadership seem high, because of a lack of description and detail in the bio. As is, I see maybe 6 for intelligence and maybe 5 for leadership, until changes are made. The rest are fine.
-- PS: You can just remove the whole Force stat category if you're not using it.
* Bio:
-- The first section could use some more detail. Perhaps explaining the grub part (not everyone might be familiar with Neimodians). When he goes from grub to adult stage. When he's old enough for school. Etc. etc. Perhaps checking out some other bios and the childhood areas would help with this.
-- Also, don't forget to add in his age at certain points throughout the bio. It helps keep track.
-- This business he creates in school... expand on that.
-- There seems to be huge time jumps here, from grub, to school, to Czerka. Fill in some of the gaps with more detail, as I mentioned above.
-- How old is he when he gets to Czerka? And how does he? Is this before, during, after university? Does he attend a higher education at all? Also, what about the move from his home planet to work for Czerka?
-- So he's suddenly 30 and been there eight years. What has he done there for the first eight years?
-- Another gap here, this time of 13 years while at ResCorp. More details needed.
-- If his company is on Eriadu, why have a place on Cato Neimodia? A second home?
-- Why does ResCorp want to get rid of this senator?
-- I think the scene with the Jedi bears expanding.
-- Explain how he got himself out of a sentence to prison. And how did he get through the Jedi's picks (I'm assuming) of new leadership and bribe/appoint someone he liked?
-- Um, I'm not sure I really get the transition to arms dealer here.
-- Second to last paragraph needs to be in past tense, not present.
-- The part about the family would be better served earlier in the bio, perhaps... at the point he actually 'fathers' the grubs, not left as a side note.
-- PSS. I've noticed you've got a few coding errors from transfer... just pick through those and replace with an apostrophe, etc. if you have time.
* RP Sample:
-- This is fine.
Overall, I see some potential here for a very interesting character.
However, there is a somewhat large lack of detail throughout, mostly in the bio. It seems to read more like a summary or outline of his life rather than a real in-depth bio. I don't feel like I really know who this guy is. He's still two-dimensional and needs to be three-dimensional.
Generally my rule of thumb is about one good solid paragraph per 4-5 years of life, so for Grune that would mean at least 9, and you've got only six, and some are rather sparse and leave large gaps.
If you need help with this, I could explain a bit farther, maybe ask some more specific questions. Reading through other accepted applications could help as well.
Anyway, let me know if you have questions, or otherwise just reply when you've made changes and it's ready for another look-over.
