Validus

[!validus]

Name: Jacen Galax
Alias: Derriphan, Darth Validus
Race: Epicanthix
Age: Thirty
Height: 6'7"
Weight: 190 lbs.
Appearance:
With his hair being brown and kept in a medium length style, he stands at a good and strong height as well as weight. Being athletically toned he seems to tower over many. Having gone through many different sets of armour and robes, sticking to a set more up to date which consists of all black material that resembles body armour and a robe which covers up the majority of his body, save for his head. His eyes show the taint of the dark side, being yellow and red. Despite his age he finds himself being granted a youthful appearance due to his Epicanthix heritage.

Personality:
An individual first and foremost, he finds the Sith Order as a tool to gain more power. Though if he can harness her power he is willing to lead her. He has shown this time & time again as he has used weak Sith as human shields on the battle field. Though his appearance makes him look he would attack you without batting an eyelash this is a toss up depending if you get on his nerves or not. A warrior at heart and a ruler within his mind and soul he finds himself biding time to dethrone the Dark Lord and take his "rightful" place as the Dark Lord of the Sith, hiding behind loyalty only for his own goals.

Making no friends, but rather loyal followers he keeps them close, manipulating them and keeping them safe all the while, only as a means to better his goals.

Birth place: Korriban

Faction: Sith
Rank: Initiate

Previous Faction: Rogue
Previous Rank: - - -

Bio:
Born into house of slaves only known for producing brutes, nothing was expected from Validus other than a familiar death of being used as a means to battle opposing houses. Despite this he would not let himself be raised as a mindless powerhouse. Instead he stood out from his almost neanderthal relatives and chose a life of power rather than mindless fighting. Despite this he was beaten severely by both his family's owners, but by his family as well, leaving his body burned and scarred horribly. This caused the young boy to harbor a great deal of pain, fear, passion, as well as ambition. He would have power and he would have revenge. And upon reaching the age of ten and finding himself being brutalized by one of his owner's children, an Apprentice within the Dark Side of the age of seventeen, he struck back at the hand that fed him as some would put it. Taking the older boy's lightsaber and plunging it into and through the boy's chest. And with slaves and Dark Siders alike to witness the event, he was dealt a quick retaliation of beatings before one of the elder slave owners as well as a Dark Sider saved the boy due to seeing promise within him and took him as an Apprentice, even giving the boy a Double-bladed Lightsaber.

The years were long and hard on the nearly broken form of Validus, yet he had thanks to his genetics for a strong and muscular body. Healing quickly from most emotional and physical scars to an extent, he began carving a name for himself within the Dark Side herself. Finding himself being raised through hard labor, beatings, training, and battles, Validus became a true warrior through hardship. As such he reached a level where no other known Dark Sider within his family's owners could outmatch him in non-Force combat by the age of twenty. This is where he began learning the various forms of lightsaber combat, believing and knowing himself to be a monster with a lightsaber he would climb upon this and use it as his most brutal asset.

Finding himself running into the Sith Empire years later he was arrested for unknown reasons until he brought face to face with a powerful Sith Lord, to become their new Apprentice, to be taken to a temple Jacen had never knew of. Becoming an experiment of sorts he was given the name Derriphan. The first few weeks of becoming Derriphan had Jacen thinking he was unstoppable, but that was until he realized his use as a mere slave, with no one caring of his existence outside of a killing machine. He would not allow himself to be considered a slave once more.

And after not gaining the honor and recognition he felt he deserved Jacen began to slowly question his place within the Sith. It was during this time he requested permission to duel with another of his age and skill set. And after brutal and bloody battle of the Force and physicality, two bodies were left on the dueling rings' floor. Though with one of the bodies breathing, leaving Jacen the victor. With this he had finally proved himself and made a name for himself. As such his training increased and he became more than a mere slave, but a warrior of the Sith, taking the title of Darth Validus. It was because of this he was granted a new Double-bladed Lightsaber.

Lightsaber:
Double-bladed Lightsaber
Color:
Red

Practiced Lightsaber forms:
Shii-Cho 5
Makashi 0
Soresu 2
Ataru 0
Shien / Djem So 2
>>Sub-form Backhanded
Niman 0
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield
Juyo 0
Double Bladed Combat 5

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 1
Telepathic: 0
Body: 0
Sense: 0
Protection: 0
Healing: 0
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 8
Intelligence: 7
Speed: 8
Leadership: 5

Unarmed: 6
Melee Weapons: 7
Ranged Weapons: 3

Force Attunement: -10

RP Sample:

The flight to Corbos was quiet except for the hum of engines and the clanking of boots upon metal floors. But, now with Corbos in view, all the life within the ships Validus had brought with him seemed to roar out in one single battle roar. "The Black Rain Season is drawing to a close, let us use it's remaining destruction to our advantage."

[/color] Validus spoke over an intercom that reached all of his portion of a fleet. The rest which was left behind to defend Korriban. "Open up communications with the Sith on planet side, they have one chance to join us, or fall to our might."[/color] And within minutes communications were linked up and Validus heard a raspy voice.

"Who are you?!"[/color] Glanicng blankly at Corbos as they drew even closer to planet side Validus spoke his offer. "I am Darth Validus, Dark Lord of the True Sith. I have come to Corbos as the beginning of a campaign to bring the entirety of the Sith Worlds beneath my banner, to unite all Sith into my True Sith. This is your one and only chance to join me without...a battle which will end in your death and many others."[/color] He spoke calmly and expected nothing more than an angry response. "Join you? Ha, Validus is it? I am the Dark Lord, bring your false self to me and my Sith Order, see which is more powerful, which is the true Sith."[/color]

Nodding Validus motioned for communications to be cut. "Half of us will be taking the clear path I found in Sith databanks, the rest will wait, and join us later on, to shatter these Corbos Sith and take them into our True Sith."[/color] That being said the front half of Validus' portioned fleet rushed forward while the others halted. Glancing about the view port he watched as walls of storms formed around the ships, though a safe distance away he could feel the danger they posed, perhaps they would prove useful, though this was just a secondary plan. Though by time they reached the Sith Outpost, they were already being fired upon as several ships made their way out of the atmosphere, only to become victims to Validus' other forces.

Though before any of this began taking place Validus made it his goal to go to the hangar of his Capital ship, stepping into a transport he waited as Gungnir, Han, and several other of his True Sith rushed into the transport. With his transport landing he led a charge, with one lightsaber ignited he let out a bloody roar as he cut down the first Corbos Sith that made their way into his path.[/left][/blockquote][/blockquote][/quote]

[sparrow]

Read the rules regarding Sith. Also, Nish are an undiscovered species.

[!validus]

I did...and I'm not sure what I messed up on? Lol.

[Jenno]

Taken from here:

swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=comebeadj&action=display&thread=3911

In our current plotline, there is a Sith Empire and a Sith Order. They are different. The Sith empire is "controlled by self-proclaimed "Sith Arisocrats", have chosen to leave the Republic and create a new empire in the expansion region of the outer rim." These are not Darths. They do not use the Force. They are merely a government that opposes the Republic and decided to use the Sith name.

The Sith Order, which most of you are probably looking for, which includes the Force-users and Darths, was only recently formed after being presumed extinct for several centuries. This is the reason why your bio cannot include any Sith and any Darths, because they simply are not around yet.

They've been around for just under half a year IC.

Also, I recommend you look at other characters that are the same age as this one. The character's stats are way above the norm.

Make sure you read through the thread I posted, and then compare your stats to others of your characters age, that will give you more of a sense of what ranges you'll be allowed.

[!validus]

Uh, fixed.

[kozeph]

Hi there I am kozeph, and I am here to help you along with the approval process, You may notice that am not a mod or any kind of NGT, but I've been here long enough to learn a trick or two about the site.

Now on to the review.

Personality

I think you should swap the first part of the personality, it would make more sense (to me) that Validus considers his well being first and then the needs of the order. Also you could do well to expand the personality a bit more, say for example why he wants to be the next dark overlord of the sith, for power? to protect something? because he saw a vision? and if he is the power hungry kind, you could mention the reason why he wants more power.

Appearance.

Just a quick note, that could have a great deal of change in your application as a whole. On the site most people who have a Epicanthix, tend to treat their age like this. A thirty year old Epicanthix would look like a twenty year old human and so on, you don't have to apply to this trend, but I thought I should mention it.

Bio.

I don't see a five year old stopping a landslide, no matter how talented, Jacen is no starkiller or luke skywalker, please tone down that bit. A more possible thing to say is that Jace at the age of five was able to start levitating pebbles and small rocks.

Alright am gonna stop here, don't mean to sound rude or anything but I see quite a bit of problems here.

First, your character name is Aaron Galax right? yet your application names him Validus and in no part of the bio do I see any Aaron or Validus, instead the protagonist of the story is someone called Jace and he gets named Derriphan upon joining the sith. Fix that.

Also Jedi will never ignore someone falling to the darkside, especially someone who goes to them seeking aid. If worst comes to worst the Jedi would attempt to arrest Aaron and keep him locked up until they can find a way to save him.

Next please tone down the bio in almost every section, Mods tend to dislike reading all around geniouses and prodegies, you might one to give at least one weakness or say that Aaron had some dificulty with X or Y thing.

Stats.

This section needs a lot of work.

Lightsaber is fine, yet you don't metion when and how did Aaron got a double lightsaber, or when he was trained in that exotic form.

Force stats:

with your current age and the way you talk about Aaron he should only have a seven a six and the rest would be between 5's 4's and maybe a 3.

Regular stats.

General rule for "human" species unless noted it is highly unlikely that their phisycal stats go above 7, 5 is your average man then a 7 is a gim junky and eight would one of those very big and burly guys that constest for the world strongest man. My suggestion drop one to a 7 and the other to a 6.

Intelligence, you make no mention of a formal or advance education for Aaron a 7 would be enough if not a bit to much a 6 would be ideal.

Hand to hand: what styles was he trained at? mention that in the bio, if not a 5 would be enough and even then he would be a good brawler.

Melee: Lightsaber stats and regular weapons are treated different keep that in mid. Honestly a 6 would do well here in my opinion. I see a 7 in someone who has mastered the use of multiple weapons and 8 for someone who has handled more than hundreds of weapons and styles and is familiar with most and a 9 would be a master among master and a 10 well that would someone who has trained for hundreds if not more years and has perfected the use of even the most obscure of weapons.

Force Attunement: If Aaron still cares about his friends then he wouldn't be a -10, I hosnestly see him between a -4 or -6

Ends review.

Opinions;

Alright my first suggestion would to bump Aaron's age a bit more if you want to justefy the high stats. If you want him to look young then you got no problem with him Epi, you can easily make him forty and he would easily look to be on his early thirties.

Tone down the general mood of the bio, all I get from it is that Aaron Jacen is a talented and powerful person. Expand and add detail, add problems he faced , weakness, did he ever fell in love? more detail on his life not his training.

As I said I am no mod or have any authority, so feel free to ignore me if you wish.

Good luck with the approval and may the force be with you...

Kozeph :3

[!validus]

Ehhhhhhhh, fixed.

[Othorious]

Don't we have a character named Derriphan? And a member named that too?

[!validus]

Uhh wouldn't know, this was originally based off of my char Jacen Galax/Darth Validus from SW:G, but swapped his history for a newer char of mine, Sebastian Clave/Darth Exander, also from SW:G.

[sparrow]

Okay, let's begin...

his Epicanthix heritage

Let's talk about this for a bit. There are a number of races that are considered relatively rare in the galaxy as a whole. Chiss are one of the more notable examples. Epicanthix are another. Both of these races come from a single system in the outer rim near the unknown regions, and are relatively isolated from the rest of the galaxy, outside the Republic. So any Chiss and Epicanthix characters are going to be at most one generation away from their respective home planets. Also, when using a non-human race, pay some attention to how individuals of that race are named, and try to come up with something that sounds like it could fit in. Jacen is just so... so... human!

Now on to the bio...

The bio needs to explain all the steps that happen once the character is born all the way to where he is today, and describe how the character matures and develops.

Despite this he would not let himself be raised as a mindless powerhouse. Instead he stood out from his almost neanderthal relatives and chose a life of power rather than mindless fighting.

When and how does he become aware that he even has a choice? And how does he go about it?

And upon reaching the age of ten and finding himself being brutalized by one of his owner's children, an Apprentice within the Dark Side of the age of seventeen

Who are these people? How are they able to practice the dark side and how are they able to avoid being taken down by the Jedi?

Taking the older boy's lightsaber and plunging it into and through the boy's chest.

How does he manage this? You need to set it up so that it actually sounds convincing.

he began carving a name for himself within the Dark Side herself.

Considering that he has almost no skill with the Force, how does he manage this?

Finding himself running into the Sith Empire years later he was arrested for unknown reasons until he brought face to face with a powerful Sith Lord

Why does he leave his "family"? And while he might not know why he was arrested, we should know.

Becoming an experiment of sorts

And what does this mean?

taking the title of Darth Validus

No Initiates are granted the Darth title. Sorry.

Stats:
If he really only started learning how to use the lightsaber at age twenty, then his stats here should be much lower?

For the 1-10 stats, a good idea to keep in mind is that any stat greater or equal to 7 needs to be explained in the bio.

An 8 in strength is near-Wookiee level. There is no way you can have both strength and speed at that level.

For intelligence, you never portray him as very smart. All he seems to do is fight around the world. Not 7 level.

Force Attunement: -10

This is eating kittens for breakfast level of evil. You don't really flesh him out in the bio enough for me to really determine if he's really that evil.

[!validus]

Lol, just scrap this.