Dabex Laxen {Knight}

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

Name->Weight
Weight should be 'lbs'

Appearance
You should avoid ever using the phrase 'show off the young boy's body,' its kinda pedobear.

Seriously though, he's 26. Even if he does get carded at bars he's still not a boy, young or otherwise.

You also shouldn't mention his habits in this section at all.

Personality
You should avoid mentioning his appearance here. Just the personality would be best.

You also have some sentences that just don't seem to work. I'd go through them line by line to make sure they're clear enough.

Again you call him a kid. It strikes me that if you want him to be a child you should make him a child.

Rank
Consular, fine. But a thrill-seeking childish diplomat? I don't see that working.

Age 1-12
Why did his father fake his own death? There's no point to doing so when anybody can leave the Jedi Order on good terms.

This feels like a very light overview. You should give us some details about his youngling time. Did he have friends? How many? What kind? Did he have any favorite places to hang out? Did he smoke death sticks in the bathrooms? Was he a dutiful student? Did he like his instructors? Was he obedient or was he a rascal?

12-16
You slipped into present tense here. Past is still needed.

At 14 he isn't going to have much advancement in Force Illusion. Its a very difficult power. He'd still be in an incredibly fledgling stage.

You also mention some sort of crystal and power. Even if he doesn't use it, its best to just not mention it.

You don't mention how it is he's selected as a Padawan. That's pretty big, and warrants some details.

16-18
Felucia is a pretty perilous place likely full of adventures and dangers, and for the setting this chunk of his life is pretty empty. Give us some depth here.

What was it like living in the jungles of Felucia? Try to transport the reader there. Mention how it was if he spent two full years there. What did he learn? Did he bond more with his master?

19-24
How did he feel about his new master? What was the change in training styles like for him? Were there trust issues?

Describe these missions. How many? Where to? When? What did he think of them?

Why did he make a second lightsaber? He doesn't do Jar'kai and he didn't lose his first one.

The Trials
What kind of risks was Naboo taking?

I don't see this Spirit working. He needs to face down his own darkness in a serious way.

Skill. You mention Makashi and force valor here, but he has neither of these in his stats. I also don't see a 5 in Shii Cho taking down what is, from your description, one of the most potent masters in the Order.

Flesh. This doesn't work. He suffered no injury, and his master wasn't lost. I also don't see him being capable of defeating with his saber a dark Jedi who defeated a Jedi master. I also am a little vague on why this bad guy would be kidnapping a force sensitive child, or how the Jedi would know any of this to send a rescue mission.

Knighthood (22-26)
After just one year he wouldn't even have 25% of that cloak. Specialized powers are exceedingly rare. Combining them even more so.

Stats
two 7s is a huge stretch, and when combined with three specialized powers its too much. You should probably have one 7 and one specialized power. If you look at accepted characters, no one else has what you want. You can't just have everything.

The other stats are OK though.

RP Sample
This feels like a repeat of the personality section or the bio. Its also present tense.

You should consider working with an RP mentor to improve this. Unlike me, they don't bite.

Overall Impressions
You do have a chronic problem of making such mistakes as 'there' instead of 'their,' 'do' instead of 'due,' etc. You should go through and correct those.

You also keep lapsing into present tense.

I recommend you run this through a word processor to catch spelling and grammar errors.

[timtank]

done

[timtank]

can somebody please check this.

[Meira]

Apologies for the wait. The Jedi section has been stretched rather thin lately.

Weight: He's quite thin... below average, which seems out of place. This wouldn't make him look well toned or anything like that, this would make him look underdeveloped. with 137 being a low weight for someone his height, I think 122 would actually put him in an area of concern. The target weight for a man at 5'9" is 157, so I'd suggest something closer to there.

Personality: You mention he tries to avoid fighting, then later mention he often wants to fight off all attackers. Then you say he's a fun-loving thrill seeker that gets super serious when he needs to be. How one behaves in certain situations can certainly change, but please try to remember that a personality is an extremely stable aspect of a person that is very hard to change greatly. Keep that in min and go back over this section.

Birth Place: You say Coruscant here, and then it says Selonia in the bio.

Bio: Grammar and spelling mistakes are greatly detracting from reading the bio, I suggest using a word processor (such as Microsoft Word), or a proof reader to catch these.

Losing the ability to walk certainly wouldn't stop a Jedi from remaining a Jedi. We've got an approved character on the site who has no arms...

I wonder how he came to be something that Jedi would not put up with. A great deal of how a person acts is determined by their surroundings as they grow up. Since his whole life (from when he's able to start making memories and learning) is spent with the Jedi, it would make more sense that he grows to be exactly the kind of person the Jedi would approve of.

Also, innate species abilities don't automatically mean one is going to be good at certain Jedi Force techniques. These things require training because they need to be learned. He might have a certain aptitude towards certain types of force abilities, but that doesn't mean he's gonna start out better than everyone else.

You were given reasons before as to why Ossus wouldn't work, so I'm going to say again, no. Take Ossus out of your bio.

Explain why they go to Felucia rather than go on actual missions. His master should be preparing him for the work Jedi do, which is not always combat oriented. Also, why were they being targeted by dark jedi but never had to face them? This section is rather short and confusing. I think it would be better to do some mission, perhaps some diplomatic work.

Also, wouldn't it make more sense for his master to finish his padawan training and THEN become an instructor at the temple? Training a padawan is a very important task, not something someone would get into and then change their minds later.

You say he is trained.... but how? He goes on mission, but what kind, and where? Give some examples so we know what you're talking about.

While rescuing people from a burning building is indeed brave... it's not quite up there with the Trial of Courage. Maybe give this one a second thought.

I would suggest putting as many of the trials at the temple as possible. Most trials are induced by the council, rather than deemed passed in the field. Passing a trial while on a mission is not the norm, it is an exception.

The trial of skill isn't necessarily about BEATING a stronger opponent. It's about showing that one can hold their own even against a more powerful foe. The council looks at how a padawan performs under this extreme pressure to see if they keep their focus and wits about them.

I wouldn't call what you explain as a trial of flesh, if only because there's no talk about how he felt... the loss and pain, and how he overcame it. Note that turning to the dark side i.e. using force rage, could be seen as a failure of the trial of flesh. A Jedi should be able to endure without giving in to anger.

The last paragraph is full of stuff he supposedly knows, but isn't really mentioned earlier in the bio. and the whole Consular thing? I'm not seeing it. There's nothing in the bio to show what kind of Jedi he is, Consular, Guardian, Sentinel... nothing. You need to put specific examples in and throughout the bio.

Stats: A knight should have a 5 in Shii-Cho, showing the mastery of this form is part of the trial of skill., as far as our site is concerned.

RP Sample: This is too short for a Knight level character. Needs more.