Lumiere

[lumiere]

Name: Lumiere Silverwind
Race:½Human ½Hapan
Age:p24
Height:5'6"
Weight:110lbs

Appearance:
She is always seen in a Jedi robe. Her hair reaches to the center of her back and she always has it in a pony tail, a bun, or some other way. She never keeps it the same way twice. She has purple eyes and is very slender. Her skin is very soft and pale. Her hair is snow white
her Robes them selves are not the normal robe they look like a knights robes but the inner robes part is made of silk and the outside is a normal cloak. She also instead of pants has a skirt.
She normally has her hair up with ribbons and has a red ribbon around her left wrist. She has both ears pierced and wears small silver rings in them. she had a scar on her left shoulder blade from a blaster round that hit her.

Personality:
She is very kind hearted and will try her best to not fight. She hates when others pick on people as she sees it to be unfair and mean. She loves flowers and has a lot in her room. is not very Strong in the force but excels in combat. She does not back down when some one hurts her friends. She also has a shy side to and darker side.


She is very modest and will never admit that she knows more then she lets on. She is very distant when it comes to men unless she knows them very well, if she does not know the she can become very defensive if some guy she does not know tries to touch her. She still does not hate men but she does not trust them compliantly, even if they are her friends. She will mostly keep to her self unless some one talks to her and she will never tell some one they cannot do some thing.


Her darker side she does not even quite know were IT comes from she hates rapists and she some times has thoughts of killing people who would do that to people. she most of them times pushes them away and almost always will try to tell a master to help her when she is feeling his way.
Birth place:Naboo/Theed

Faction:Jedi Order
Rank: Knight(sentinel)

Light saber:. It has a slight curve in the hilt and its blade looks pretty it with it. It also has a Ivory design going from the base of the saber to the tip
Color: sea blue light saber

Practiced Light saber forms:

Shii-Cho-5
Makashi -n/a
Soresu -3
Ataru -n/a
Shien / Djem -n/a
>>Sub-form Backhanded
Niman-3
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield-n/a
Juyo
Double Bladed Combat

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 5
Telepathic: 5
Body: 4
Sense:5
Protection: 4
Healing: 4
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength:4
Intelligence:6
Speed:6
Leadership: 6

Unarmed: 6
Melee Weapons:2
Ranged Weapons:1

Force Attunement:+4

Bio:
Beginnings;

Lumiere was Born 3577 to a very nice mother and father Named Sarah and Roderick. Her mother was pure hapan and her father was human. They met each other when her father used to explore a lot. They fell in love and four years later had Lumiere. Her mother always smiled when she made bobbles as a baby, her father found it to be odd. When she was one years old she was able to make things fall off shelves that wear six feet off the ground. Her mother could not figure out how this was passable. Lumiere’s father told her that she could be trained a Jedi. Her mother knew what that meant. And it made her cry when she even thought of her little baby getting taken away.
When Lumiere was three years old her mother and father left her with her uncle. They did not think much of it because they had always done it before. Lumiere even at three did not like her uncle. Her father would not believe that his older brother would hit her when they wear not around. He thought that what his brother said was true. She hated it but she knew she could not do any thing about it. Who would listen to a three year old? One day when she was playing with her toys, her uncle went up to her and kicked the castle she had just built. This made her cry and she ended up biting him in the shin. This did not go well with him and he ended up grabbing her by her hair and tossing her into a wall.
This just made her cry more. She with out realizing knocked one of her mother’s glass dolls off one of the shelves with the force. When her mother and father came home they saw that she was on the floor not breathing. Her father ran over to her and picked her up running out to a hospital. They wear able to save her only because the doctors worked fast. When he father’s brother came to visit her father snapped. He yelled at him asking him what had happened and when his brother told him that he left for a min and when he had come back he saw Sarah crying. Lumiere said he was laying and this time for the first time her father knew she was telling the truth.
He yelled at him telling him she had finger marks on her neck. He then told him to get out. It took her several moths to recover. When she was able to leave the hospital it had been on her 4Th birth day. They celebrated and had fun, her father had disappeared for a little bit and when he came back he had a man with him. She did not know who he was. The man asked to see her hand and she gave it to him after seeing that her mother was okieokieith it. The man took a blood sample and then checked it on a computer. He informed her mother and father that she had a very high midi-chlorian count. In fact he had never seen one at her level. Her mother hugged her and told her that she would be going with him. Lumiere began to cry and so did her mother.



Youngling;
When Lumiere got to the temple with the Jedi he helped her off the ship. She looked around and looked confused. The Jedi informed her that she was on Coruscant. She nodded at him and they went inside. Once there they went up to the council chamber. There she saw a Jedi master who looked at her and smiled. They went into the council chamber and she saw twelve people sitting in chairs. She looked at the one who brought her in. He lightly pushed her in front of him, and told the council that she had a very higMididi-chlorian count. The council nodded and ran a few tests which made them smile when she passed them with out fail. They then asked her if she was afraid. She told them that she was because did not know wear she was.
The council nodded at her and said that she would be trained as a Jedi. A young looking man walked in and smiled at her. He took her hand and led her to the youngling chambers. He then asked on of the Jedi knight females to help her. Once she was in her youngling robes she was sent to bed. The Jedi who helped her took her stuff she came with and sent it back with the watchmen. Lumiere woke up the next morning to some one shacking her. She almost began to cry when she saw a weird looking thing looking at her. The Jedi knight informed her that he was good and that he was a Twi’lek. She still did not understand but did not question him. He asked a little girl to help Lumiere out. She later out her name was Anny. She and Anny became friends fast and wear always studying books.
When Lumiere was six years old she was given her training saber which made her happy. She trained and trained with it. She loved her training saber and was able to beat the older boys who did not like that fact. She was the top of her class, which some times made her friend Anny sad because she was always better then she was. Lumiere always tried to help her friend out when she could. By the time they wear ten they both wear the really good. Lumiere still being the top of her class, most of the boys liked her and normally asked her to help them out. She always knew better then to go with them because last time she did the pulled her pants down. She would never let them go for that one. She was eleven when she was taken by a Jedi Knight. She was happy that she was able to become a Padawan leaner but it also made her sad because her friend had turned thirteen when she turned eleven. She hugged her Anny and then she had to go with her new master.
Padawan;
Her first mission with her master they went to Naboo. She knew not to look for her mother and father, but she wished she could at least see them. She was very lucky because she saw her mother in a crowd buying some food. She then saw a man go and steal her money. She and her master ran and stopped the man and her mother hugged her tight with happy tears when she saw that the eleven year old girl was her daughter. Lumiere told her that she was on a mission and that she had to leave. This hurt her very much but she knew she had to. She looked at her master with teary eyes and he hugged her lightly, they then walked into the castle of Naboo. She was very impressed out how it looked on the inside. She had never been in it before. She then saw the queen who called her cute. She smiled at her and bowed to be polite.
After talking to the Queen for a time, Lumiere and her master left the castle to find the people who kept trying to kill her. Lumiere did not like this mission when they found out who the leader was. They walked into a bar and there is a seat at a table was her father, the leader of the group trying to kill the queen. The walked up to him and he knew who she was right away. Before he could try to hug her, her training saber was on and she tolled him to sit. She asked him why he was trying to kill the queen and he smiled at her. He then told them his reason and she sighed. She told him that she had no choice but to have him arrested. This did not go well with him and he smacked her across the mouth, next thing he knew he was up in the air and was thrown into a wall.
Lumiere looked at her master who walked over to her dad and yelled at him to never hit his daughter again. Once they had her father in custody they told the queen that the ringleader was not caught and the others would not be hard to get. Her mother was very sad about her husband but she did not hold her anger at her daughter as she knew she was doing what was best. After the mission her master took her to hoth which she hated very much. There he taught her how to use different light saber forms and also told her that she was doing a good job. There next mission was going to the smuggler’s moon Nar Shaddaa. She had a bad feeling about this planet and she found out why she had it. They had to talk to a hut which she had read up on. She found it uglier in person then in the book.
She heard her master yell and she ran in to see to men laughing. They looked at her and made jokes about how they could rip her into peaces. Her master killed on of them and they all jumped them. She was able to kill two of them by deflecting shots with her training saber. After they won the fight her master checked a blaster wound she got on her shoulder blade. When he saw that it was not life threatening he handed her a sea blue crystal. She did not understand what it was for but she knew later one. After that they went to Pacha. She liked the water but knew she had to do the mission before spacing out looking at water.
Lumiere made her master happy when she was able to speak and tell both sides to shut up and listen. She told them that they both had good points and that they should work together to make the planet run smoothly. She knew that one city going agents the government would end up being the planet and that was not good for the Republic. She was able to buy some things with her master showing her items he wanted her to get. Later when she was fourteen she was able to make her own light saber. She made it but unlike most padawan she did not make it look like her masters. It had a slight curve in it and it had a gold band that looked like Ivory going up it. She let her master look at him and when he turned it on the blade was a sea blue color. He told her he like it very much and that she had done a very good job with it. By the time she was sixteen she was able to keep up with her master with most of the missions and he became very confident her skills.
When she was seventeen she and her master wear on a mission that forced them to split up. Her masters trust in her skills which lead to a bad thing. When she was about to enter a building every thing went black. When she came to she was in a room tied to a bed. She looked around and saw two men talking to each other. She could not make out what they wear saying but she knew it was bad. She tried to find her light saber and saw that it was not with her or near her. She must have dropped it when they hit her. They both saw her wake up and smiled. After they played with her a little but then ended up raping her. She hated the feeling of them inside of her and felt dirty after
Once they wear done then did it again to her making cry. She did not understand why they did it to her again, they already stale from her virginity what ells did they want. After some time which to her felt like ages there was shouting out side the door and then nothing. The door was thrown of its hinges and there stood her master. In one hand was his light saber and in the other was her light saber. He looked so mad that she was afraid of him; he killed the two men who had raped her and then wrapped her in a blanket. He picked her up and ran out of the place as fast as possible. He took her to a hospital where they made sure she was okie. They then told him that they would have to run test and that it may take a few days before she could leave. All he did was nodded and tell them to take as much time as need. She knew he was going to tell the council that they would not be back on time and what had happened. All that night she kept waking up screaming but her master was always right there to calm her down. He looked sad that he looked into her eyes. She would always fall asleep and this went on all night. Four days later they found out she was pageant and she began to cry. They asked if she wanted to get rid of it and she nodded slowly they ended up letting her get an abortion. It was hard on her but she knew she was not ready to even think about kids, plus it was not the way of the Jedi. She hated that she had to get rid of it but she had not choose but to do it. It made her sick thinking about it so she told her self to not think about it. This only helped some. When they got back to the Jedi temple on Coruscant her master let her go take a shower.
No matter how much she scrubbed her self she did not feel clean. She ended up sitting in the shower and crying. It was a female Jedi master who found her and helped her calm down. It took a lot out of her but she was happy she could talk to someone. She was able to put it to the back of her mind but it would never go away. Her rape would always be with her and she knew she would never be able to hide form it. When she was 19 years old she began to do missions with her master again which made him happy. They did many missions but he would not let her split up from him. He wanted her to be with him at all times. This sometimes made her mad but she knew why he did it. One day she ended up asking her master how he found her that day and he told her that it was easy. He told her that all he had to do was let the force guide him to her. She only smiled a little at him before she turned and saw what they wear sent to do.

Knighthood;
She was twenty-two now and her master had taught her every thing he knew. He walked her to the high council room and told them she was ready for the trails. She looked at him in shock and then bowed to him. One of the masters nodded as well and then said that if he thought she was ready then so be it. That same night they had her sit in a room and meditate. When she did this she saw a vision of her self being with a man she could not see. They wear in a field that had roses all around them. There was a dark shadow be hind Lumiere though that she did not understand.
The next day they had her take the test of skill. She saw that she had to fight her master so she got ready. She fell into Shii-cho stance and then when her master got ready to stick she swung with a Soresu, at the last secant she turned her attack and struck with a Niman attack. She was able to hold her own ageist her master and he was happy. She had hit his right arm and leg with a training saber. He then came at her with unarmed attacks. She dropped her training saber and blocked him. She then came up at him with Echani form. She ended up braking one of her master’s ribs. She felt sorry but her master told her she did very well.
Her next test was the test of Courage. The told her that she had pastes this test with her s test of skill but they wanted to know what ells she had done. She told them that she was able to speak up when the government of Pacha and a city wear fighting over things she was able to tell them ways to salve the problems peacefully. They nodded at her and then looked at her master who nodded that she was speaking the truth. They smiled at her and nodded at her to tell her she had done well.
Her next test was the hardest for her. She did not like this test when they asked her about what happened when she got raped. She looked at them with fear and they knew she did not want to talk about it. She took a few deep breaths and then spoke. Her voice was shaky but she was able to speak. She told them that she and her master knew wear a crime lord was hiding and so they split up. She was to go through the back door and surprise them, but before she could open the door every thing went black. When she came to she was tied to a bed and she did not know wear her light saber was. Then she saw the looks on the men’s faces. She had to stop for a moment before telling them that she was paralyzed with fear when they came at her. She told them to please stop but they didn’t when the first one raped her she could not move. Fear had her rooted to the spot. After they raped her a few times her master showed up and he got her out of there. When she finished she was near tears. One of the members of the council got up and hugged her telling her it was ok. They told her that she would never have to talk about this again unless she wanted to.
They asked her what she saw last night last. When she told them what she saw they all looked at her funny. Then they smiled and told her that they would be fallowing this up in the future. The Grand Master asked her to kneel so she did. He then made her a Jedi knight. She felt onward but at the same time she was sad. She later found out that her friend Anny was made a Jedi knight to but died a year later. She was sad about her friend but she knew that there was a time and place to moron for her. She had become a Jedi knight and she knew she had a job to do. She wanted a padawan but did not know who to take. She would just have to wait and see who impressed her.

RP Sample:
Lumiere sat out side the temple on the steps, it was cold out side but it did not bother her much. She was out here because she loved looking at the sky. She heard some one behind her and saw one of the masters who were on watch smiling at her. She smiled back before closing her eyes and went into a trace like state. She did this when she wanted to clear her mind. When she opened her eyes she got up and walked inside. Once in side she ran into a youngling who was crying. She looked down to see a little girl no older then eight

What’s wrong little one?

She asked her and then little hugged her. She told her that she had a nightmare and Lumiere hugged her. She then held the girl in her arms.

Guess what, I have them to. When you have them just think about being in a happy place and they will go away.

She told the little girl which got her another hug. She smiled and walked the little girl to her bed and put her in. she then tucked her in and told her to sleep well. Once in her own room and sighed and got read for bed, she had her own dreams to face.

[Deleted]

Alright Lumiere my name is Koeing and i'm just a friendly member here on SWU that's going to look over your app to help you along before a mod shows up. I'm no mod so you don't have to take my advice but i've been around a while so it's usually solid.

Welcome to SWU By the way!

My comments will be placed directly in to your app and will appear in this color

Lets get dangerous.

Name: Lumiere Silverwind
Race:½Human ½Hapen
Age:24
Height:5'65'6"
Weight:110lbs

Appearance:This image is reduced by 18%, click it to view full size.

She is always seen in a Jedi robe, no capital neededHer hair reaches to the center of her back and she always has it in a pony tail, a bun, or some other way. She never keeps it add In here the same one twice. She has purple eyes and is bery slender.

Personality:She is Very kind hearted and will try her best to not fight. She hates when others pick on people as she sees it to be unfair and meenmean. She loves flowers and has a lot in her room. is not very stong in the force but exelseexcells in combat. She does not back down when some one hurts her friends.Already i notice you need to run this through a spell check and fix the grammar issues several broken and fragmented sentences. I also noticed 90% of everything is in bold, unbold it. Only the application prompts should be bold, nothing you add in should be.

Birth place:Naboo/Theed

Faction:Jedi Order
Rank: Knight

Lightsaber:two light singalsingle, and switch single and light around so it will read "two single lightsabers" sabers they both have what looks like IvryIvory going up them. the diffrence is that the one in her right hand has a star on the bottum and the other one has an arrow
Color:both white Disallowed lightsaber color

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho-5
Makashi -n/a
Soresu -2
Ataru -n/a
Shien / Djem -n/a
>>Sub-form Backhanded
Niman-3
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield-2
Juyo
Double Bladed Combat

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:
Remove the 1 - 10s they're not needed. Also why are her force stats so low?
Telekinetic:3 1 - 10
Telepathic:3 1 - 10
Body:3 1 - 10
Sense:3 1 – 10
Protection:3 1 - 10
Healing:3 1 – 10
Destruction:0 1 – 10

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:
I'm sorry but these stats are way too high, a 6 is above average strength, the average female is about a 4 - 5 so that should come down. Intelligence looks fine, but speed and leadership? Why are they 10s? That's literally god like, no human or near human can reach a 10 in speed it is biologically impossible their body would be ripped to shreds, as for the 10 in leadership when did she learn to lead so well? That would be like Alexander The Great level of leadership.
Physical Strength:6 1 - 10
Intelligence:5 1 - 10
Speed:10 1 – 10
Leadership: 101 - 10
The Melee stat does no coincide with Lightsaber, that is why there are lightsaber forms seperate of Melee combat, and how is she a god in unarmed combat? Where did she find the time in 24 years to learn all of this? She would be the wisest unarmed combat specialist to have ever lived.
Unarmed: 101 - 10
Melee Weapons:9 1 - 10
Ranged Weapons:4 1 - 10

Force Attunement: +7This seems a bit high, i'd say a 5 - 6.


Alright, first please seperate the bio paragraphs, it makes it easier on other readers and the mod. You need to add detail, who were her parents? What were their names? Did they treat Lumiere fairly? How was her life before the Jedi order? I know she's young but there are still things that can be said, also Force sensitive children here on SWU only exhibit sensitivity through hightened reflexes and things like that, they cannot use the force in that way until trained.
Bio:Lumiere was found one day when she was roming the streets of Theed by a jedi master. when he saw that she was able to make things float he took her to the jedi temple to see if she could become a jedi. the could aproved vecuase of her age and that she should signs of the force. by the time she reached the age of ten she weas in the top of her clas when it came to combat. she did not truly understand the force or at least she let people think that. She was always fast and loved to go out side when the class was done. shed notmaly was found sitting in a tree reading a book or out in the court yard training her self with her light saber..Younglings have training sabers, not lightsabers they do not create them until they become Padawans, even then not until the master deems them ready.
She soon found out that it was not an easy life as a jedi. she was taken in by a master and trained hard. she went on many missions encluding some that made her happy.Describe the missions, detail is your friend. she loved to have fun and spent most of her time asking questions. she was eight-teen when she first had to fight. she hated it but she knew she had to, as her master was in danger. she was 22 when she was made kight and she knew that she could train others but she did not think she was ready to train others. she told her self she would wait tell she was older to take on a padawan. she would still train in the court yard at times becuase she would always say your training was never done.

You need to add in more detail, describe her time as a youngling, did the other children make fun of her for being a loner? Also describe this fight that she didn't like but had to because her Master was in danger. Details details details my friend.

RP Sample:
Lumiere walked into the court yard and sighed. as she did she could see the air come out of her mouth

damn its cold

she said with an other sigh. she got into her srtance and got ready to practice when some thing cought her eye. she turned and saw a youngling crying. she walked over to thwe young girl and sighed.

whats wroung little one?

she asked her and the little girl looked at her. she then pointyed at the teddy in the tree and smiled at her. the little gil smiled as Lumiere helped her get it back. once she gacve her a huge she sent her on her way. she went back to wear she was going to practice and began. she did this for about three hours before walking back in side to fine it much warmer. she smiled to her self and walked to her room. once in side she took her outer robe off and walked into the shower. once out of the shower and she had put her clothing back on she walked back out of her room and went to watch the younglings practice.

Alright, overall i think you need to go back through and check for spelling and grammar as well as add in more detail. Also as a suggestion go through and look at previously accepted applications for Jedi Knights, a good one to look at is Sharesti Rin, Lmr's Jedi Knight. Here's the link. swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=jedaccept&action=display&thread=13665&page=1


Also here are the rules and disallowed aspects of the site you should give them a look over.

The Rules:
swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=boardrules&action=display&thread=1747


Disallowed Aspects:
swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=boardrules&action=display&thread=4584

Edit: This is a great source of information for the Star Wars 'verse.
starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Main_Page

Have a great day Lumiere and i hope to see more of you, if you need more help you can PM me or if you have skype you can add me it's silverwolfmoonstriker.

[lumiere]

how is it now?

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

Clean it up a little and I'll take a look.

[lumiere]

ok done?

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

All right, my comments are in green. And I warn you in advance, you won't like them. I'm not as cuddly as Koeing.

Oct 30, 2011 17:54:55 GMT -5 lumiere said:

Name: Lumiere Silverwind
Race:½Human ½Hapen Hapan has two 'A's
Age:p24
Height:5'6"
Weight:110lbs

Appearance:
She is always seen in a Jedi robe, her hair reaches to the center of her back and she always has it in a pony tail, a bun, or some other way. She never keeps it the same way twice. She has purple eyes and is very slender.This is very short, you should have about two paragraphs here, and there's no excuse not to since you have a picture you can simply describe with text.
Personality:She is Vvery kind-hearted and will try her best to not fight. She hates when others pick on people as she sees it to be unfair and mean. She loves flowers and has a lot in her room. is not very Strong in the force but excels in combatIncomplete sentence. She does not back down when some one hurts her friends. This is the most important aspect of the whole bio and you have five sentences, You should have 2-3 paragraphs.

Birth place:Naboo/Theed

Faction:Jedi Order
Rank: Knight(sentinel)

Light saber:she has two single hilt light sabers they both have what looks like Ivory going up them. the difference is that the one in her right hand has a star on the bottom and the other one has an arrow
Color:both silver

Practiced Light saber forms:

All Knights must have Shii Cho mastered. Apart from that, since she's a Sentinel you should drop two points on here.
Shii-Cho-4
Makashi -n/a
Soresu -3
Ataru -n/a
Shien / Djem -n/a
>>Sub-form Backhanded
Niman-2
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield-3
Juyo
Double Bladed Combat

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 5
Telepathic: 5
Body: 4
Sense:5
Protection: 4
Healing: 4
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength:3 4-5 is average for a woman
Intelligence:7 This will required adequate explanation in the bio, but dropping it to a 6 means you don't need to describe it.
Speed:6
Leadership: 6

Unarmed: 6
Melee Weapons:5 What's the explanation for this and ranged? The Jedi don't exactly provide instruction in these among the Jedi.
Ranged Weapons:4

Force Attunement: +6

Bio:
Beginnings;
Lumiere was raised by an abusive father who would hit her for no reason. He would always say it was because she killed her mother when she was born. She never understood why this was but she never asked her father. When she turned seven years old she ran away from home and ended up living on the streets. She learned quickly, but never took any thing. She was able to help the hop owners and in return they fed her. She was living a good life until she turned eight, The other kids picked on her because of her snow white hair. After a time she got use to it and it did not bother her much. She then meet a jedi who asked her if she wanted to become a jedi her self. When she said yes he took her with him back to9 the jedi temple. The Jedi only accept those under six. I also also have to say as a survivor of domestic abuse, you don't really seem to develop the abuse any. I'm worried this is just a bad background for the sake of a bad background, you'll have to tie this into the personality and weave it throughout the bio. You also don't provide much detail here. Names, places, etc. Also, doesn't a place as idyllic and enlightened as Naboo have social services for runaways?

Youngling;
When they got to the temple she was accepted in with open arms. She was made a student and in her classes she exiledexcelled. She was smarter then most of her class mates which made them picked onyou mean made them pick on her? , but she did not care any more. She was happy that she was able to eat and sleep in a warm place and not have some one trying to hurt her all the time. She would always go out side on her free time and look at the flowers. She loved nature and wanted to some day have a room full of plants.Last I checked, Coruscant wasn't exactly brimming with flowers. Is the Dantooine or the Mustafar enclave? She would never give up and some day be a jedi to repay all the people who wearwere kind to her. She was twelve when she ran to one of the woman jedi knights asking her for help. She was bleeding in an unmentionable area. The jedi laughed and help her learn what was going on and that it was normal for a girl to do that at her age. She was relived to know that and so she began to take care of that problem when every it came.I know we say detail, but damn. Too much information there.

Padawan;
She was taken in as a padawan when she was thirteenIt will have to be twelve, since at 13 they're sent to the Corps. and was almost never at the temple. She was always with her Master. She able to make a light saber when she was fourteen and she ended up making the crystal a silver color the hilt had a curve in it and what looked like Ivory going up it with a star at the bottom. She was happy that she was able to make it and her master liked her design. He knew she was not as stupid as she tried to make people think.You've never mentioned her doing this before. She was on a mission with her master one day when she was force to kill a sithThe Sith are new and only recently formed, so they should not appear in this bio. You also need some real motivation here. Why was she attacked? How did a mere Padawan manage to win? Where was her master during all this? that had tried to attack her and her master. The gang that the sith was with attacked as well but with there combined effort they wearwere able to win. When she was sixteen she got captured by some thugs and ended up losing her virginity.Now this strikes me as tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/RapeIsTheNewDeadParents and tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/GratuitousRape

This is a MAJOR traumatic event. I have a character who was raped as a child, and twenty years later she is still haunted by it. You simply mention it once and it has no impact on the remainder of her story or on her personality. Her master got her out shortly after that. Even after her rape she still did not hate the thugs and got them thrown into prison. Her master was proud of her for showing compassion even after what they did to her. By the time she was twenty her master had taught her most of the things he knew.

Knighthood;
Four years latterlater she took the trails to become a knight. The first test was hard for her because she was not very strong when it came to Physical Strength. She was able to pass the test but not by muchUh which trial? You need to go into detail here. The trials are a massive and vital portion of the story, and you simply don't describe them. You can read threads to help you in our Jedi section, and you can look at accepted profiles to see them. You need to fix these.. The next part of her trailtrial she passed with flying colors because it was the mental side and she had always been able to block most things out. After she had done her tests she was made a knight. With being a knight she had her own room in the temple which she ended up putting plants all over in it. She had become a knight and now she was able to move freely around the temple. She also loved her jedi knight robes as they wear some what better then the padawan robes. She was happy now that she could have fun and perhaps some day train a padawan like her master trained her.


RP Sample:
Lumiere walked into the court yard and sighed. as she did she could see the air come out of her mouth

"damn its cold"

she said with an other sigh. she got into her stance and got ready to practice when some thing caught her eye. she turned and saw a youngling crying. she walked over to the young girl and sighed.

"whats wrong little one?"

she asked her and the little girl looked at her. she then pointed at the teddy in the tree and smiled at her. the little girl smiled as Lumiere helped her get it back. once she gave her a huge she sent her on her way. she went back to wear she was going to practice and began. she did this for about three hours before walking back in side to fine it much warmer. she smiled to her self and walked to her room. once in side she took her outer robe off and walked into the shower. once out of the shower and she had put her clothing back on she walked back out of her room and went to watch the younglings practice.

[lumiere]

ok what do your think?

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

OK, next round of reviewing. My comments are yellow now.

Oct 30, 2011 17:54:55 GMT -5 lumiere said:

Name: Lumiere Silverwind
Race:½Human ½Hapan
Age:p24
Height:5'6"
Weight:110lbs

Appearance:
She is always seen in a Jedi robe. Her hair reaches to the center of her back and she always has it in a pony tail, a bun, or some other way. She never keeps it the same way twice. She has purple eyes and is very slender. Her skin is very soft and pale. Her hair is snow white
When she does not her robes them selves are not the normal robe they look like a knights robes but the inside part is made of silk and the outside satinThis sentence makes no sense.. She also instead of pants has a skirt.
She normally has her hair up with ribbons and has a red ribbon around her left wrist. She wears a locket around her neck which has a picture of her mother and some one whose faces has been scratched beyond realizationJedi don't get to keep personal possessions from before joining the Order. This will have to go.. She has both ears pierced and wears diamond studs in themDiamonds? Isn't that a bit flashy for the Jedi?.

Personality:
She is very kind hearted and will try her best to not fight. She hates when others pick on people as she sees it to be unfair and mean. She loves flowers and has a lot in her room. is not very Strong in the force but excels in combatStill not a complete sentence. She does not back down when some one hurts her friends. She also has a shy side too and a darker side. Expand on this darker side.
She is very modest and will never admit that she knows more then she lets on. She is very distant when it comes to men unless she knows them very well, if she does not know them she can become very defensive if some guy she does not know tries to touch her. She still does not hate men but she does not trust them compliantly, even if they are her friends. She will mostly keep to her self unless some one talks to her and she will never tell some one they cannot do some thing.

Birth place:Naboo/Theed

Faction:Jedi Order
Rank: Knight(sentinel)

Light saber:she has two single hilt light sabers they both have what looks like Ivory going up them. the difference is that the one in her right hand has a star on the bottom and the other one has an arrow
Color:both silver

Practiced Light saber forms:

Shii-Cho-5
Makashi -n/a
Soresu -3
Ataru -n/a
Shien / Djem -n/a
>>Sub-form Backhanded
Niman-n/a
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield-3
Juyo
Double Bladed Combat

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 5
Telepathic: 5
Body: 4
Sense:5
Protection: 4
Healing: 4
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength:4
Intelligence:6
Speed:6
Leadership: 6

Unarmed: 6
Melee Weapons:2
Ranged Weapons:1

Force Attunement: +6Move the six out of the bold brackets.

Bio:
Beginnings;

Lumiere was raised by an abusive father who would hit her for no reason. He would always say it was because she killed her mother when she was born. She never understood how she killed her mother but she did not every fight back. One day when her father had sent her out to get food she ran into a jedi who saw her burses bruises and asked her how she got them, when she told him that her father had hit her because she slept in the jedi did not look too happy. After she got the food she did not know she was being faollowed when she got to her house her father smacked her crossed the mouth and began to curse at her. The jedi told him never to hit her in his prances again and then used the force to get him to let him bring her with him. Once she was away from Naboo the jedi cleaned her up and asked her age. She told him she was five and he nodded at her.

Youngling;
When they got to the temple she was accepted in with open arms. She was made a student and in her classes she exiledExcelled.. She was smarter then most of her class mates which they did not like and so the picked on her for it. She did not care though because she wanted never wanted any one to go through what she had to. She was ten when she was able to become a padawan but did not become one until she was eleven. When she found some one who wanted her to be trained.This section is still too short. You cover six years, which as a general rule should be three paragraphs. Discuss friends, fields of study, adapting to an entirely new life style.

Padawan;
She was taken in as a padawan when she was eleven and was almost never at the temple. She was always with her Master. She able to make a light saber when she was fourteen and she ended up making the crystal a silver color Where did she get the exceptionally rare durindfire crystal? in a single hilt light saber. She made it look like Ivory going up it with a star at the bottom. She was happy that she was able to make it and her master liked her design. He knew she was not as stupid as she tried to make people thinkWhy did she make them think this? It also doesn't seem to match her status as such an intelligent youngling that she alienated others.. hcapitalizeer first mission she and her master had to try to get people to listen to the governmentWhat government and where?. tcapitalizehey did not want to until she spoke up and told them that fighting the government would not solve any thing but instead try to work with them to find a better way. She was on a mission with her master one day when she was forced to kill a young man that had tried to attack her and her master. The gang that the young man was in was with attacked as well but with their combined effort they wearwere able to win. The reason they attacked them was to try to get theretheir money and the leader of the gang was not falling for the old jedi mind trickPeriod. Also, what kind of idiot tries to attack two Jedi for money? They don't carry much, and it's not worth the trouble. Everyone in the galaxy knows this. When she was sixteen she got captured by some thugs and ended up losing her virginity. Her master got her out shortly after that. She distrusted men after that including her master. She would not let him hug her for long moments and she told he had to knock when ever he wanted to talk to her when she was in her room. I have more to say about this and the abuse, but it will come at the end of my review.She was twenty when her master said that he could not really teach her any thing that she didn’t already know.
Knighthood;
Two years later she made it to Knight. The first test was hard for her because she had to fight her own master. She fought with out fail and did not give up, and she was able to win just barelyName the Trial. I presume this is skill, and as a reminder she doesn't have to beat him. Only withstand for a reasonable time to prove skill.. For her next test they asked her what she had done in her past time being with her master. When she told them about all the missions she had done with her master and that despite shyness was able to speak up and change what people thoughtIncomplete sentence, and I'm not sure what this is supposed to be.. With a nod they asked her what has been the worst pain she had ever suffered. They all knew what it was but wanted her to say it because of what it had done to her when she told them about her rape they all nodded again and went on. They left her in a dark room for the night. It took her a few to see her vission but she saw it and smiled to her self when it was done. after a few hours they asked her what she saw. She explained her vision and that she was helping people smile and be happyThe Trial of Spirit is supposed to be in depth and deeply profound, not a happy circle of happy happiness.. Helping people to not know the pain she had gone through. When they all smiled and nodded the told her to bow.
It had been two years since she was made a knight but she still did not truly trust men and she would shy away from them. She knew she should take a padawan but did not know who to take. She knew some day she would need to take one but until then she was happy with helping the younglings train and smile. She loved being a knight because it meant she could have her own room and have plants every wear.

RP Sample:
Lumiere walked into the court yard and sighed. as she did she could see the air come out of her mouth

"damn its cold"

she said with an other sigh. she got into her stance and got ready to practice when some thing caught her eye. she turned and saw a youngling crying. she walked over to the young girl and sighed.

"whats wrong little one?"

she asked her and the little girl looked at her. she then pointed at the teddy in the tree and smiled at her. the little girl smiled as Lumiere helped her get it back. once she gave her a huge she sent her on her way. she went back to wear she was going to practice and began. she did this for about three hours before walking back in side to fine it much warmer. she smiled to her self and walked to her room. once in side she took her outer robe off and walked into the shower. once out of the shower and she had put her clothing back on she walked back out of her room and went to watch the younglings practice.

All right. Now, like Talau I scare because I care. Don't take this personally.

First off, spelling errors. There is no excuse for this, as proboards even has a spell-check function. I've gone through and corrected these for you, twice now. You need to implement those changes.

Now the main part of my objection, and the part you will probably hate me for saying.

You have a tragic background here solely for the sake of having a tragic background. It's not very well-written, and it doesn't feel real. As a survivor of domestic abuse I can tell you the scars don't go away, and they have a massive impact. These are like scars that have been drawn on using a sharpie. It's window-dressing, and you're missing the depth of emotion. Tragedy and tragic backstory is something the beginner should avoid at all costs, because it takes experience to make it work right. You're not to that point yet, and you really should gain experience through role-playing to improve your abilities before you attempt this type of background. Right now you honestly cannot devote the attention and care this subject-matter requires. I recommend you pursue something simpler. If you want some sort of set-apart characteristic, try poverty or an orphanage. Cliched, yes. But easier to write.

However, I am not a mod or admin, and you are welcome to disregard what I have to say. My standards are quite possibly higher than the staff in charge of approving applications in this section.

[Deleted]

Look Lumiere, not trying to be harsh but you can't just name drop Rape into a bio. It just does not work, it doesn't add tragedy to the bio it adds a lack of skill to it unless you can actually make it convincing (Obviously without exact detail) then do not write it, as a survivor of such an event myself it's saddening to see someone just drop it in like it's a natural occurence and people just walk away with no issues.

You have to be able to comprehend the amount of emotion that comes with such an ordeal and not only that you have to have the skill to write it out make it convincing. Wow, she mistrusted men and refused to give her master hugs? The girl would've been dehibilitated for a long time, and very emotionally detatched, then if she did gain some semblance of who she was originally it would be hard for her to continue the path of a Jedi for the simple fact she would be jumping at ghosts, it takes many many many years for someone to recover from that and it takes many more for them to even be able to socially function without having an anxiety attack.

I really am not trying to sound too harsh but it's quite insulting to people who have been through it to see such a horrible event downplayed like it's some brady bunch episode and it's not. You need to either bring the level of skill up or just drop it from the bio because it's just not working.


Edit: If you really want to be able to get in the mind set for writing such a thing then i suggest you watch a movie called I Spit On Your Grave, watch it and don't fast-forward it, you'll get the idea of the kind of trauma that someone goes through.

[lumiere]

done

[Russ.Stone]

Hey Lumiere, you might want to do some more read throughs and make sure the bio is fluid and without errors. I've seen a few spelling mistakes and some of your sentences don't flow as well as they could.

"They went to Naboo at one time and she saw him You might want to make this "her father" walking the streets."

The reconciliation with the father seems rather abrupt and unsubstantiated. More on her inner dialogue concerning all of this would be good. Let us know what she felt and how she rationalized forgiving him. Could it even be possible that she didn't forgive him at first but eventually was able to?

Also, why would the Jedi allow her to make contact with her past? I thought that Jedi were told to forget their past to press towards their future and the Order? Just a thought. I am kinda knew to the Extended Universe so I could be wrong.

Check the spelling of the words you use. There are a lot of instances where you use the wrong word for what you mean. Wear for were... wile for while... etc.

I'm not sure how kosher it is for the Master to give her such a rare crystal for her first saber. Doesn't seem right to me, but I could be wrong.

It wouldn't hurt the application if you gave us exact details on the design of the lightsaber. The Wookiee is a great place to get information about that. You can even go a step further and look for a picture of the hilt and such to better describe it.

The rape in this app is really sudden and completely unneeded. Its more of rape for rape's sake. Wouldn't she be able to use the Force to grab her lightsaber? After all, she's been a padawan for 6 years by that time. Plus, the motive behind the rape should be better developed, and if you must have it in your app, think about adding her emotional dialogue when she realizes she's a captive. How does that make her feel?

I am not 100% but I don't think pregnancy can be detected around 24 hours after the fact. Of course, you could chalk it up to the advanced medicinal techniques, but still... seems a little iffy.

Perhaps, add in another character who helps Lumiere deal with the situation. Another Master perhaps, a Consular or someone with much wisdom, who can counsel Lumiere in how to be rid of her fear that came from this whole situation. Abortion, as well as rape, leaves emotional scars one people, so you need to address those. It is rare that someone is good-natured enough to deal with the amount of trauma that's happened in this girl's life. She'll probably need help.

I really think you should detail those trials more too. Try perhaps a paragraph for each, and detail the situations. Explicitly talk about how she felt during each one and talk about what she did to overcome that emotion. After all, Jedi overcome their emotions for the better good. The trial of flesh needs a serious explanation because I seriously have no idea what you are talking about. I don't know how the admins will feel about those visions she has, so you might want to check with them about it.

Of course, they'll probably let you know before your app is accepted how they feel about that whole situation.

In all, I would say flesh everything out more. Give us more insight into Lumiere as she goes through her life. Add more detail. Work on your word usage and your fluidity. If you have any questions or want some specifics, send me a PM. I'd be happy to work with you on your grammar.

[lumiere]

ok what do you think

[Russ.Stone]

comments in green

Oct 30, 2011 17:54:55 GMT -5 lumiere said:

Name: Lumiere Silverwind
Race:½Human ½Hapan
Age:p24
Height:5'6"
Weight:110lbs

Appearance:Picture
She is always seen in a Jedi robe. Her hair reaches to the center of her back and she always has it in a pony tail, a bun, or some other way. She never keeps it the same way twice. She has purple eyes and is very slender. Her skin is very soft and pale. Her hair is snow white
When she does not her robes them selves are not the normal robe they look like a knights robes but the iner robes part is made of silk and the outside is a normal cloak. She also instead of pants has a skirt.
She normally has her hair up with ribbons and has a red ribbon around her left wrist. She has both ears pierced and wears small silver rings in them.

Do you need the picture? Couldn't you describe it? I had a picture and was recommended to remove it. Just thought I'd give you the same advice

Personality:
She is very kind hearted and will try her best to not fight. She hates when others pick on people as she sees it to be unfair and mean. She loves flowers and has a lot in her room. She is not very Strong in the force but excels in combat. She does not back down when some one hurts her friends. She also has a shy side to (i think you mean too) and darker side.

I don't think you develop her shy side very well. You could add more about that. Or if you mean this vv paragraph to be the shy side then you need to indicate that somehow.

She is very modest and will never admit that she knows more then she lets on. She is very distant when it comes to men unless she knows them very well, if she does not know the she can become very defensive if some guy she does not know tries to touch her. She still does not hate men but she does not trust them compliantly, even if they are her friends. She will mostly keep to her self unless someone talks to her and she will never tell some one they cannot do some thing.


Her darker side is some thing that some people would call a flaw but it is not. It is because of her Abuse and rape. She dislikes people who treat others like crap and will almost always tell them to stop. She never wants any one to have to go through what she had to. She most of the time will wear dark clothing when she is in a depressed mood which is on the day she was raped and when she had to deal with her father.

Her abuse would affect her personality more IMO. You should think about that, and could probably flesh this out more.

Birth place:Naboo/Theed

Faction:Jedi Order
Rank: Knight(sentinel)

Light saber:. It has a slight curve in the hilt and its blade looks pretty it with it. It also has a Ivory design going from the base of the saber to the tip
Color: sea blue light saber

Practiced Light saber forms:

Shii-Cho-5
Makashi -n/a
Soresu -3
Ataru -n/a
Shien / Djem -n/a
>>Sub-form Backhanded
Niman-3
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield-n/a
Juyo
Double Bladed Combat

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 5
Telepathic: 5
Body: 4
Sense:5
Protection: 4
Healing: 4
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength:4
Intelligence:6
Speed:6
Leadership: 6

Unarmed: 6
Melee Weapons:2
Ranged Weapons:1

Force Attunement: +6

I really have no idea for the stats and stuff. Someone else should check this out.

Bio:
Beginnings;

Lumiere was Born 3577 to a very nice mother and father. Her mother died in child birth and her father blamed Lumiere. He was ignore (check your verb tense) her as a baby and only gave her attention to shut her up. By the time she was three, he did not interact with her much at all. She was always being hit for little things like asking him if she could go out side and play, even when she never cried when he hit her. This seems a little unrealistic. Children cry at the shock of impact with something, not to mention the pain. She never understood what she did to get hit but she knew better then to question her father. When she was four years old her father nearly beat her to death when he had come home drunk. You could develop the alcoholism better. Perhaps, give us an idea of how Lumiere reacted to his drunkenness. She probably noticed it. Also, you don't really mention her race and where her 1/2 hapan comes from. Was it the mother or the father? How did they get off the Hapes Cluster because it is so isolated.

He kept saying that it was her fault that her mother was dead. How did that make Lumiere feel? Her father was thrown into prison because of this and she became an orphan. Every one picked on her because she had white hair and that she was different. She did not act like them. She always kept to her self and did not talk much; the reason was because of her father always hitting her when she did try to talk. One day when she was five years old she was out walking around and saw a man in wearied weird? looking clothing. She then saw the weapon he had at his waist and she ran up to him. How did she recognize a lightsaber? She's only 5 right now, so unless someone told her about it, she probably didn't read it out of a book.

Once she told him that she wanted to be a jedi this is a proper noun so it should be capitalized to help people he took a blood sample and checked her Midi-chlorian and saw that she had a high count. He smiled and then asked the people who she was staying with if he could take her with him to have her trained as a jedi. When they said yes he told her to stay with him tell until? he was done with his mission. Wile with him on the mission she was able to meet the queen of Naboo and many others. Once they wear done with his mission they boarded his ship and took off. So the Jedi took a five year old girl with him into a meeting with the Queen? That seems unrealistic as well. It was more like she'd be passed off to a handmaiden or something. What was Lumiere's impression of the castle and the queen? It would be a big moment for a 5-year-old child. Give us some reaction.


Youngling;
When they got to the temple she was taken to the high council who then tested her. She was able to pass their test and this made her happy. They then asked her some question like if she was afraid. She told them she feared to return to the life of an orphan. Pretty deep for a 5yr old. They all looked at each other and nodded. They told her she would not have to and that she would be trained as a jedi. This made her happy and she was taken to the youngling chambers wear she meet verb tense a lot of people. She still did not talk much to them but they did not treat her like the other orphans did. She became friends with one little girl who was the same age as her. What was this little girls name? What was her race? Who was she? Details!

They would help each other out and giggle and random stupid things. She was one of the top students in class because she always had her nose in books and could back it up with her skill. So she spent time with this girl and spent time in her books? And she had skill with the Force? Where did this skill come from? She didn't get it overnight. She was able to even beat the best of the guys. even the older ones? She loved the life training as a jedi. She felt human and it made her smile a lot more. Does she know that she's half-human? You never mention that in the bio. She turned eleven when (weird sentence structure) she walked into her class to see three maters standing there talking to her instructor. One of the masters was the same knight who found her as an orphan on Naboo six years ago. She walked into class and her instructor asked her to come to him. He told her that the man in front of her wanted to take her as his padawan which made her smile. She bowed lightly to him and he bowed in return. She was happy her master was the same man who found her so long ago. She saw that her best friend did not get picked when made her a little sad but she got hugged by her which made her happy. After they all said their good byes she left to be trained as a padawan learner. Your sentences here are choppy. Also, give us more detail than "she was happy." She seems to be happy a lot. What are her levels of happiness? Being a padawan, does that make her nervous? People are multi-emotional. Give us an idea of that depth.

Padawan;

She learned very quickly that her life as a padawan was not as easy as being a youngling. She loves that she was able to go on missions with her master, but did not like that it was so hard. Youngling training was difficult, but her work ethic got her to the top. Where is that work ethic now? It seems inconsistent. They went to Naboo at one time and she saw her father walking the streets. He seemed to see her to as he walked tord toward? her. She did not know what to do but then felt her Master’s hand on her shoulder. What does that mean? Was he comforting her? Encouraging her? Jedi are trained to let all attachments go, so why would her Master let her see her father? You need more explanation for this. Her father stopped and looked at her before falling to his knees and began to cry. He told her how sorry he was and asked for forgiveness for her life of abuse. What brought about this change of heart? She sighed and helped him to his feet and hugged him lightly and smiled. She forgave him and told him that she loved him even though she had hurt her. He was her father and she had come to terms with her past a long time ago. She would not let it affect her present. She was able to over come her past. You don't develop how Lumiere gets over her abuse. It's just kinda sudden. Perhaps she talks with a Jedi during her youngling training. Or maybe she spent time with her Master talking about it? more detail here.
She was happy that he had done it for her. Who is he? Her father? Her master? They went on and finished the mission, before the left she visited with her father and told him how she was doing. Again, personal attachment is not something Jedi stand for. Why would this happen? Once they left she was happy that she had gotten that off her chest. She was twelve (so she's only 12 when she forgives her father? Only 7 years later? People go through a lifetime of therapy to get over abuse. Why was she able to do so as quickly as she did?) when they had to do a mission she did not like at all. They went to the smuggler’s moon Nar Shaddaa. When they wear there she ended up finding out that her master had a temper. How did she figure that out? Also, where did this temper stem from? They ended up pissing off some one and got jumped. She was able to deflect blaster shots with a light saber her master had thrown her to use, but got hit in the arm. So she didn't have her training saber with her on a mission? Why not? Her master beat them and she was able to kill two by deflecting blasts. How did she deal with killing for the firs time? She doesn't seem very violent by nature. Does death bother her? Later they found out that her arm would be fine and that it was just a graze but it still hurt like hell. Her master smiled at her and gave her a sliver crystal you edited her color that he had gotten his hands on when he was exploring on day. He told her that she could use it to make her light saber. She hugged him and went to work and her saber. They had gotten the parts a wile while? back but she had not be able to get a crystal tell now. Once she was done her master looked at it and was impressed. Where did they get the parts? How were they special to her?
He liked her design and that he was very good. It had a slight curve in the hilt and its blade looks pretty it with it. The most impressive part was the Ivory design on it. Where did she get the ivory? It just kind of appears. He asked her is she wanted to name it and she just laughed at him which made he laugh as well. Do Jedi usually name their sabers? Why would he ask that? Is his saber named? The next mission they had to do was go to a planet (which planet?) and try to salve the problem of the people hating the government and the government hating the people. Lumiere’s master was impressed when his soft spoken padawan spoke up and told them that they should work to gather and try to come up with ways to handle both side. If she is soft spoken, where did the desire to speak up come from? Was she angry? frustrated? Where did the advice she gave come from? Had he been training her in diplomatic theory? Lumiere thought that both sides wear right at the fact that no one was doing the right thing. How so? Give more detail on this conflict. After some long talks they wear able to fined find? ways to help each other out. When she was seventeen you jumped a lot of years here. What happened during those years? she and her master wear on a mission that forced them to split up. Her master trusted her skills which lead to a bad thing. When she was about to enter a building every thing went black. When she came to she was in a room tied to a bed. She looked around and saw two men talking to each other. She could not make out what they wear saying but she knew it was bad. She tried to find her light saber and saw that it was not with her or near her. She must have dropped it when they hit her. They both saw her wake up and smiled. After they played with her a little but then ended up raping her. She hated the feeling of them inside of her and felt dirty after. She has average telekinetic strength. Could she have used that to keep them off of her? Did she try? Tell us about how she struggled. Give us more detail. This really seems like rape just for rape's sake.
Once they wear done then did it again to her making cry. Were they just vindictive? Sick and twisted? Perverted? Why do this again? After some time which to her felt like ages there was shouting out side the door and then nothing. The door was thrown of its hinges and there stood her master. How did he find her? In one hand was his light saber and in the other was her light saber. He looked so mad that she was afraid of him, he killed the two men who had raped her and then wrapped her in a blanket. He picked her up and ran out of the place making sure to grab her light saber that was in the next room. I thought he had her saber in his hand. He took her to a hospital where they made sure she was ok. They then told him that they would have to run test and that it may take a few days before she could leave. All he did was nodded and tell them to take as much time as need. She knew he was going to tell the council that they would not be back on time and what had happened. All that night she kipped kept? waking up screaming but her master was always right there to calm her down. This seems like a lot of emotional attachment between a master and padawan. Wouldn't Jedi be wary of these emotions? He looked sad that he looked into her eyes. that last sentence made no sense. She would always fall asleep and this went on all night. Four days later they found out she was pageant pregnant? and she began to cry. They asked if she wanted to get rid of it and she nodded slowly they ended up letting her get an abortion. How did that affect her? Did she cry more? What about her master? Why did he let her do this?

Knighthood;
It had been four years senses since? also, you skip some more years here. Tell us what happened. Did she go back to Coruscant and stay there a while? her rape and she never really recovered from it, but no one really thought she would. Her master had taught her every thing he knew so he had her go through the trails. WHILE SHE WAS STILL RECOVERING FROM HER RAPE!?!?!? That's ridiculously absurd IMO. When she first entered the council room she did not know what to expect. When they told her she was to begin the trails she was happy and a little sad. How so? But she did them any way.
Her first test was skill. They placed her ageist against? her master which she expected. Is this a duel? She knew he would use his Makashi so she was ready she fell into a Shii-cho stance but attack in with Soresu and Niman at the same time. Did he teach her this? You should talk about that in her bio more if she was to learn it. Also, her master would be skilled at these too, if he taught her, so how'd he react to it. More detail. Her master still beat her but he got singed a few times. The council loved that she was able to use three light saber forms like that. As she was able to show so much skill they let her pass the test.
The next one was courage, which once again would not be too hard for her. They asked her about her missions with her master and she told them about her mission when they had to try to make a government and its people get along. And then about how even though she got hit a blaster bolt she did not run away but tried her best to help her master how she could. She left out the fact that the reason they got attacked was because her master lot his temper. Once they told her to do the next test she smiled but when she found out what it was her smile faded. Did they bring up her rape? This is a big part of her life and would affect her courage as a knight. more detail.
Her next test was flesh and they asked her about her worst pain. The worst thing she ever went through was her rape. She hated that she had to talk about it but knew she had to. She sighed and took a deep breath before speaking calmly. But she hasn't fully recovered. Why was she able to speak so calmly? She told them about how she and her master had split up to better do a mission but before she had gotten into the door every thing went black. When she woke up she did not have her light saber and two men wear in a room with her. She then went into detail about how it felt and how she felt dirty after wards. She has never felt clean and hated the feeling. Once she told them they nodded at her and got up. How was she able to pass this test if this was her answer? What were the Masters' reasonings behind passing? Explain more.
Her last test was the test of Spirit. The left her alone for a time and when the came back she was white and sweaty. What was she doing to be this way? They asked her what she saw and she told them she saw her master lying on the ground dead in a pool of blood. She had stuck him down because he had turned to the dark side. She thanked god that her master was no in the room to hear her vision. It made her sick thinking about it. The council members nodded there heads and looked at each other. How did she pass with this answer? Details! They then knighted her and gave her a room. Once in side she ran to the bathroom and threw up. She never spoke about her vision and no one every asked her about it. I feel like the Council would follow up with this vision. Perhaps, they would search for it themselves. Seems kind of unrealistic that she was left alone.
Two years later What did she do during those two years? she had become well known by some of the younglings because she would always help them train and would always make them laugh. She still did not trust men that much but that did not stop her from trying. She loved every one almost as much as she loved her self. She would not let any one or any thing harm the Jedi order. She every so often she would be seen in a training room honing her skills with her light saber and some times using the force. This seems a pretty rosy ending to a pretty screwed up history. How did she get to this point? You don't talk about her rehabilitation at all it just happens.

RP Sample:
Lumiere sat out side the temple on the steps, it was cold out side but it did not bother her much. She was out here because she loved looking at the sky. She heard some one behind her and saw one of the masters who were on watch smiling at her. She smiled back before closing her eyes and went into a trace like state. She did this when she wanted to clear her mind. When she opened her eyes she got up and walked inside. Once in side she ran into a youngling who was crying. She looked down to see a little girl no older then eight

What’s wrong little one?

She asked her and then little hugged her. She told her that she had a nightmare and Lumiere hugged her. She then held the girl in her arms.

Guess what, I have them to. When you have them just think about being in a happy place and they will go away.

She told the little girl which got her another hug. She smiled and walked the little girl to her bed and put her in. she then tucked her in and told her to sleep well. Once in her own room and sighed and got read for bed, she had her own dreams to face.

Okay so I read through this app and made my comments.

Here are some overall comments:

• check compound words. You split them up a lot.
  
• Capitalization errors are pretty common.
  
• The character seems really stuish. You need to make her more realistic. Give us details about how she deals with everything that happens in her life, so she can end up in the happy place she ends up in at the end of your bio.
  
• Talk more about her training as a Padawan. What does her master train her in? How do her stats reflect that training?
  
• Read through the application and look at the words you use. Just because Word doesn't catch a misspelled word, doesn't mean the word is the one you want.

Hope that helps!

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

OK, hard to say anything more than Misa has already said. He's entirely right, and all his points are excellent. Particularly on spelling and grammar, which need a great deal of work. I suggest going line by line, or actually implementing the changes I made for you in my reviews (most of which still need to be corrected).

I can add some of my own experience though. It's been about thirteen years since I was abused, and if my step-dad begged me for forgiveness I'm not sure I'd oblige. If I did, I certainly wouldn't be smiling about it. Abuse is all about fear, and the victim is never in a place of strength. Even if the situation is reversed later, there's still a sense of wariness. This is especially true for a child, when growth hasn't outpaced the memories.

If you want tragedy, depth of character is essential. There's a dark aspect there, a very deep well of pain and even agony. Your character isn't haunted, it's as if none of this has impacted her personality. You discuss behavior changes, but it doesn't contribute to WHO she is.

Not to sound like a jerk here, but you owe it to the victims in reality to write this sort of thing well. You have to bring this character from two dimensions to three, because the events you want are anything but two-dimensional.

Since Misa is doing such a great job helping you, I'm going to ask that he keep up that work. I'll keep an eye on this though.

EDIT: And just to establish, the stats are fine.

[lumiere]

tell me what you think

[Russ.Stone]

Random p in the age.

Your personality feels really list-like. Try to make it more of a description than just a list of traits. You missed a "she" somewhere in there too. And how often does Lumiere come into contact with rapists? That last part of the personality needs to be better developed.

Where does her unarmed training come from? Or her melee? Or her ranged?

We'll go with green this time

Oct 30, 2011 17:54:55 GMT -5 lumiere said:

Bio:
Beginnings;

Lumiere was Born 3577 to a very nice mother and father named Sarah and Roderick. Her mother was pure hapan and her father was human. They met each other when her father used to explore a lot. Why? You can't just drop something like this without details. They fell in love and four years later had Lumiere. did they get married?Was Lumiere born on Naboo? Or on her mother's planet? Her mother always smiled when she made bobbles as a baby, her father found it to be odd. When she was one years shouldn't that say one year? old she was able to make things fall off shelves that wear were? six feet off the ground. Force sensitivity doesn't manifest that way. It's normally just increased reflexes. Telekinesis requires training. Her mother could not figure out how this was passable. possible? Lumiere’s father told her that she could be trained a Jedi. How did he know that? Did he check her midichlorian count? Details. Her mother knew what that meant. And it made her cry when she even thought of her little baby getting taken away.

[add spaces between you paragraphs. it makes it easier to read.]

When Lumiere was three years old, her mother and father left her with her uncle. Why? Name of her uncle? Was he close to the family? They did not think much of it because they had always done it before. Lumiere even at three phrase is misplaced did not like her uncle. Her father would not believe that his older brother would hit her when they wear were? not around. Had he done this before? To a three year old? Or was she younger? What did she do to bring upon this hitting? He thought that what his brother said was true. She hated it but she knew she could not do any thing about it. Three year olds don't think like that. They don't understand why the world isn't a fair place. Who would listen to a three year old? One day when she was playing with her toys, her uncle went up to her and kicked the castle she had just built. Again, why? This made her cry and she ended up biting him in the shin. This did not go well with him and he ended up grabbing her by her hair and tossing her into a wall.
This just made her cry more. Was she hurt? She with out realizing knocked one of her mother’s glass dolls off one of the shelves with the force. Again, force sensitivity... recall my last comment When her mother and father came home they saw that she was on the floor not breathing. Her father ran over to her and picked her up running out to a hospital. They wear able to save her only because the doctors worked fast. What had been wrong with her? When he father’s brother came to visit her father snapped. He yelled at him asking him what had happened and when his brother told him that he left for a min and when he had come back he saw Sarah crying. Lumiere said he was laying lying? and this time for the first time her father knew she was telling the truth. Why did he believe her now?

He yelled at him telling him she had finger marks on her neck. He then told him to get out. It took her several moths months? to recover. When she was able to leave the hospital, All of her recovery was in the hospital? How could her parents afford that? Did they take out extra jobs? What about her mother? How did she react to this whole situation? it had been on her 4th birth day. They celebrated and had fun, her father had disappeared for a little bit Did he give a reason for going? How did Lumiere react to his leaving? What aboutt the mother? She's been absent from this bio a lot. and when he came back he had a man with him. She did not know who he was. The man asked to see her hand and she gave it to him after seeing that her mother was okieokieith What word is that? I don't think I understand what you are saying. Okey dokey? it. The man took a blood sample and then checked it on a computer. He informed her mother and father that she had a very high midi-chlorian count. The father had already said she was force sensitive. Shouldn't they have already known this? Why did they hold onto her if she was Force sensitive? Wouldn't it have been better to give her to the Jedi and move on? In fact he had never seen one at her level. I don't think this is something you should put in here. It makes her seem unrealistic. Her mother hugged her and told her that she would be going with him. Lumiere began to cry and so did her mother. Did the Jedi try and comfort her? What about the father? What did he do?



Youngling;
When Lumiere got to the temple with the Jedi he helped her off the ship. She looked around and looked confused. The Jedi informed her that she was on Coruscant. She nodded at him and they went inside. Once there they went up to the council chamber. There she saw a Jedi master who looked at her and smiled. How is she coping with all of this? She has just gotten out of the hospital, so she'd probably be really really scared to be away from her parents. What about Coruscant? Was it cool to her? Did she find it interesting? frightening? What? They went into the council chamber and she saw twelve people sitting in chairs. She looked at the one who brought her in. He lightly pushed her in front of him, and told the council that she had a very higMididi-chlorian count. spelling. and you know my stance on a "very high midi-chlorian count The council nodded and ran a few tests which made them smile when she passed them with out fail. Are these the initiate trials? I am not sure they would give those to her right off the bat. They then asked her if she was afraid. She told them that she was because did not know wear where? she was. What about the abuse? Did that frighten her?

The council nodded at her and said that she would be trained as a Jedi. A young-looking man walked in and smiled at her. He took her hand and led her to the youngling chambers. Was she okay with being touched, especially so close to her abuse? He then asked on one? of the Jedi knight females to help her. Once she was in her youngling robes she was sent to bed. So they dressed her than told her to undress and go to bed? This seems counter-intuitive. What about Lumiere? How did she feel during all of this? The Jedi who helped her took her the? stuff she came with and sent it back with the watchmen. Lumiere woke up the next morning to some one shacking shaking? her. She almost began to cry when she saw a weird looking thing looking at her. why did she almost start crying? was she scared? startled? why? The Jedi knight informed her that he was good and that he was a Twi’lek. She still did not understand but did not question him. If she lived on Naboo, wouldn't she know about other races? Perhaps, you aren't giving her enough credit here. He asked a little girl to help Lumiere out. She later found? out her name was Anny. She and Anny became friends fast and wear always studying books. What books did they study? Why did they study? Did the masters ask her to? This last part about studying seems rather out of place.

When Lumiere was six years What did she study for the two years she wasn't studying the saber? old she was given her training saber which made her happy. She trained and trained with it. She loved her training saber and was able to beat the older boys who did not like that fact. The boys in her clan? How did she get so good? Who trained her? Did she get special training? She was the top of her class, which some times made her friend Anny sad because she was always better then she was. This seems rather Mary Sue-like. She needs to be beaten by someone. She can't be the best at everything. Lumiere always tried to help her friend out when she could. By the time they wear were? ten they both wear were? the really good. Lumiere still being the top of her class, most of the boys liked her and normally asked her to help them out. What caused them to change their minds? Was it because they needed her? Or was it because they realized that she was so nice? She always knew better then to go with them because last time she did the pulled her pants down. She would never let them go for that one. She was eleven when she was taken by a Jedi Knight. She was happy that she was able to become a Padawan leaner learner? but it also made her sad because her friend had turned thirteen when she turned eleven. She hugged her Anny and then she had to go with her new master. where did Anny go? Did she work in the corps? or did she leave the order? what happened to her?

Padawan;
Her first mission with her master they went to Naboo. She knew not to look for her mother and father, but she wished she could at least see them. She was very lucky because she saw her mother in a crowd buying some food. She then saw a man go and steal her money. She and her master ran and stopped the man and her mother hugged her tight with happy tears when she saw that the eleven year old girl was her daughter. Would her master allow her interfere with the people of her past? Would he even take her to her former home so close to being chosen? Seems kinda fishy. Lumiere told her that she was on a mission and that she had to leave. This hurt her Who did it hurt? The mother? or Lumiere? very much but she knew she had to. She looked at her master with teary eyes and he hugged her lightly, they then walked into the castle of Naboo. She was very impressed out how it looked on the inside. She had never been in it before. She then saw the queen who called her cute. She smiled at her and bowed to be polite. Why were they on Naboo? You send them there, which I am not sure is the best idea, and you need to have a good reason for their going there. Did her master specifically have to go on this mission? More details

After talking to the Queen for a time, Lumiere and her master left the castle to find the people who kept trying to kill herAh! this is why.. Lumiere did not like this mission when they found out who the leader was. They walked into a bar and there is a seat at a table was her father, the leader of the group trying to kill the queen. Are the Jedi watch dogs that any royal can use for their service? Why didn't the queen take care of this by herself? What brought her father to this point in his life? The walked up to him and he knew who she was right away. Before he could try to hug her, her training saber was on and she tolled told? him to sit. She asked him why he was trying to kill the queen and he smiled at her. He then told them his reason and she sighed. What was this reason? She told him that she had no choice but to have him arrested. This did not go well with him and he smacked her across the mouth, next thing he knew he was up in the air and was thrown into a wall.

Lumiere looked at her master who walked over to her dad and yelled at him to never hit his daughter again. This loss of temper is not characteristic of a Jedi. Once they had her father in custody they told the queen that the ringleader was not caught and the others would not be hard to get. Her mother was very sad about her husband but she did not hold her anger at her daughter as she knew she was doing what was best. This seems really unrealistic. There needs to be discussion between the mother and others. Did the wife know about this beforehand? Was she in on it? If she didn't know, how didn't she know? After the mission her master took her to hoth Hoth? it's a proper noun which she hated very much. There he taught her how to use different light saber forms and also told her that she was doing a good job. In just one sitting she learned to use two new forms?Of did he start her instruction. Learning these takes a lot of practice and instruction. They are difficult to learn and to master. There Their? next mission was going to the smuggler’s moon Nar Shaddaa. She had a bad feeling about this planet and she found out why she had it. Had they been working on her Sense abilities too? How could she have a bad feeling? They had to talk to a hut Hutt? which she had read up on. Did she read often? Where did she get the books? They haven't been to Coruscant recently... or have they? You don't say. She found it Hutts are a sentient race and have genders. Him or her? uglier in person then in the book.

She heard her master yell and she ran in to see to men laughing. This just kinda happens. What led to this? There seems to be a lot missing between paragraphs. They looked at her and made jokes about how they could rip her into peaces. Her master killed on one? of them and they all jumped them. Is her master known for being on the violent side? he seems to do a lot of killing. I didn't think this was the Jedi way. She was able to kill two of them by deflecting shots with her training saber. How did this make her feel? Death takes a toll on a person. Talk to us about it. After they won the fight her master checked a blaster wound she got on her shoulder blade. When he saw that it was not life threatening he handed her a sea blue crystal. How does this correlate? Did he just give it to her because she was alive? Shouldn't he have explained what is was for? He is her teacher after all? Why this color? Was it a special crystal? Sentimental to him or what? She did not understand what it was for but she knew later one. on? How did she know. You just kinda drop this in here. Tell us how. Give us detail. After that they went to Pacha. She liked the water but knew she had to do the mission before spacing out looking at water. Is she spacy? What about the water made her like it? Details please!

Lumiere made her master happy when she was able to speak and tell both sides to shut up and listen. She told them that they both had good points and that they should work together to make the planet run smoothly. She knew that one city going agents the government would end up being the planet and that was not good for the Republic. I remember this from your previous versions of this application, but you edited out what the heck was going on in this mission. You needed to talk about the missions they go on and give details as to why they were on said missions. What they hoped to accomplish, etc. She was able to buy some things with her master showing her items he wanted her to get. Did the master explain what the items were when he had her buy them? Or did she take him by faith? Later when she was fourteen she was able to make her own light saber one word. She made it but unlike most padawan she did not make it look like her masters. It had a slight curve in it and it had a gold band that looked like Ivory going up it. Where did she get teh design for it? Did she see it in a book? Or did her master help her?This idea didn't just come out of thin air. She let her master look at him and when he turned it on the blade was a sea blue color. He told her he like it very much and that she had done a very good job with it. You don't normally get something right on the first try. Perhaps it doesn't turn on, and she spends a while longer fine tuning the fit of the pieces. Otherwise, she's very Mary Sue. By the time she was sixteen she was able to keep up with her master with most of the missions and he became very confident her skills. What happened for those years between her lightsaber and now? Also, she was able to keep up with her master? Explain this more. She wasn't at par with her master. At least, I hope you don't mean that. She's not even a knight yet. He's a master. It wouldn't be realistic.
When she was seventeen she and her master wear on a mission that forced them to split up. Her masters trust in her skills which lead to a bad thing. This sentence needs work. master's? i don't think you need "which" there. led? When she was about to enter a building every thing went black. How did it go black? She would have sensed the people who came to attack her. People don't just get knocked out. Something happens to them. When she came to she was in a room tied to a bed. She looked around and saw two men talking to each other. She could not make out what they wear were? saying but she knew it was bad. She tried to find her light saber and saw that it was not with her or near her. She must have dropped it when they hit her. They both saw her wake up and smiled. After they played with her a little but then ended up raping her. She hated the feeling of them inside of her and felt dirty after You have yet to address why she didn't use her Force powers to help herself escape, especially if she was being raped. I feel like she might have tapped into the Dark side of the Force to get her out of the situation. The rape still feels like rape for rape's sake. I don't think you need it.

Once they wear done then did it again to her making cry. She did not understand why they did it to her again, they already stale from her virginity what ells did they want. else? After some time which to her felt like ages there was shouting out side the door and then nothing. The door was thrown of its hinges and there stood her master. In one hand was his light saber and in the other was her light saber. He looked so mad that she was afraid of him; he killed the two men who had raped her and then wrapped her in a blanket. Again, how could a Jedi lose their mental focus? I don't think her master makes a good jedi. You should adjust this or address it. He picked her up and ran out of the place as fast as possible. He took her to a hospital where they made sure she was okie okay?. They then told him who is him? her master? you need to make sure all of your pronouns have antecedents that they would have to run test and that it may take a few days before she could leave. All he did was nodded and tell them to take as much time as need. She knew he was going to tell the council that they would not be back on time and what had happened. All that night she kept waking up screaming but her master was always right there to calm her down. He looked sad that he looked into her eyes. Again, how did her master become so attached? What about his fight with the dark side? you write this as if it isn't there for them to deal with. They need to make the choice to follow the light. otherwise, they aren't very realistic. She would always fall asleep and this went on all night. Four days later they found out she was pageant this is spelled PREGNANT! i told you that last time. fix it, please. and she began to cry. They asked if she wanted to get rid of it and she nodded slowly they ended up letting her get an abortion. Do Jedi believe in abortion? What about the fact that the child could be Force sensitive? Did she immediately decide to give up the baby? Or did she deliberate? This decision just happens without any reason as to why she makes it. Add more detail. It was hard on her but she knew she was not ready to even think about kids, plus it was not the way of the Jedi. She hated that she had to get rid of it but she had not choose choice? but to do it. It made her sick thinking about it so she told her self to not think about it. This only helped some. When they got back to the Jedi temple on Coruscant her master let her go take a shower. She is only now taking a shower? Why did you put this in here? I feel like this is random and irrelevant.

No matter how much she scrubbed her self she did not feel clean. She ended up sitting in the shower and crying. It was a female Jedi master who found her and helped her calm down. How did that Jedi know? Did the master send her? Details. It took a lot out of her but she was happy she could talk to someone. She was able to put it to the back of her mind but it would never go away. Her rape would always be with her and she knew she would never be able to hide form it. you skipped some time here. what happened during that time? When she was 19 years old she began to do missions with her master again which made him happy. Again, this attachment does not seem right. How did the Council react to the master's attachment. I feel like I have brought this up every time I have reviewed this but you have yet to address it. They did many missions but he would not let her split up from him. He wanted her to be with him at all times. This sometimes made her mad but she knew why he did it. Wouldn't she feel better knowing he was caring for her?Again two years is not long enough to deal with this time of trauma. One day she ended up asking her master how he found her that day and he told her that it was easy. He told her that all he had to do was let the force guide him to her. unrealistic and lacks description She only smiled a little at him before she turned and saw what they wear were sent to do.

Knighthood;
She was twenty-two you keep skipping time. what happens during then. you need more description about these years. That's why it takes a lot of work to apply for knighthood. now and her master had taught her every thing he knew. Doubtful. He's had years more training and study than she has. He couldn't have done this. Perhaps, he taught her all he could, but definitely not all he knew. He walked her to the high council room and told them she was ready for the trails. Is this how it works? I am not sure, but sounds rather weird that he just marched her there. Chances are he talked to them beforehand, and then summoned her there. She looked at him in shock and then bowed to him. One of the masters nodded as well and then said that if he thought she was ready then so be it. That same night they had her sit in a room and meditate. When she did this she saw a vision of her self herself being with a man she could not see. They wear were in a field that had roses all around them. There was a dark shadow be hind behind? Lumiere though that she did not understand. Is this a trial? Why did she see this? It's kind of random.
The next day they had her take the test of skill. She saw that she had to fight her master so she got ready. She fell into a? Shii-cho stance and then when her master got ready to stick she swung with a Soresu, at the last secant second? she turned her attack and struck with a Niman attack. She was able to hold her own ageist against? her master and he was happy. She had hit his right arm and leg with a training saber. I thought she already built her lightsaber. Training sabers are for younglings and padawans without a saber. He then came at her with unarmed attacks. She dropped her training saber and blocked him. She then came up at him with Echani form. WHERE THE HECK DID SHE LEARN THIS? You can't just drop something into the bio without substantiating it in the backstory. She ended up braking one of her master’s ribs. She felt sorry but her master told her she did very well. So she beat him? I liked it better when she didn't because after all, he has had more training than she has.
Her next test was the test of Courage. The told her that she had pastes past? this test with her s test of skill but they wanted to know what ells she had done. What is that random s? Also, how did she pass the test in her test for courage? Explain that or cut it out. She told them that she was able to speak up when the government of Pacha and a city wear were fighting over things she was able to tell them ways to salve solve the problems peacefully. They nodded at her and then looked at her master who nodded that she was speaking the truth. They smiled at her and nodded at her to tell her she had done well. How does this pass the test? I don't think it would be that easy. Also, her solving this issue is another Mary Sue instance. You need to stop making her so perfect; otherwise, she'll probably never be accepted. She cannot be the best at everything.

Her next test was the hardest for her. What was the test called? Also, how is she feeling during all of this? You haven't hit on her emotions at all during this section of the bio. Give us more detail. She did not like this test when they asked her about what happened when she got raped. She looked at them with fear and they knew she did not want to talk about it. She took a few deep breaths and then spoke. Her voice was shaky but she was able to speak. What exactly was the purpose behind this question? It seems rather random. She told them that she and her master knew wear where? a crime lord was hiding and so they split up. She was to go through the back door and surprise them, but before she could open the door every thing went black. Again, why? how? She's a Jedi-in-training and wouldn't have been caught unaware When she came to she was tied to a bed and she did not know wear her light saber lightsaber. one word. was. Then she saw the looks on the men’s faces. She had to stop for a moment before telling them that she was paralyzed with fear when they came at her. Jedi were taught to overcome emotion, but here it over comes her. How would she pass to knighthood if this was the case? She told them to please stop but they didn’t when the first one raped her she could not move. Fear had her rooted to the spot. Fear leads to anger... that is the path to the dark side. would the masters be okay with this? I think not. After they raped her a few times her master showed up and he got her out of there. the previous section only says twice. now you say a couple of times. make sure your story corroborates with other sections. When she finished she was near tears. One of the members of the council got up and hugged her telling her it was ok. That's a lot of emotion for a Jedi Council member. They told her that she would never have to talk about this again unless she wanted to. Really? I feel like they would want her to talk about it, and get over the fear and anger that she could be harboring. Again, not much time had passed. She couldn't have moved on so quickly.
They asked her what she saw last night last. When she told them what she saw they all looked at her funny. why? Then they smiled and told her that they would be fallowing this up in the future. how? The Grand Master asked her to kneel so she did. He then made her a Jedi knight. In my opinion, she would not have passed. Not one bit. I doubt anyone else would disagree with me. She's just got too much emotional baggage and Jedi are to be free of all that. She felt onward but at the same time she was sad. She later found out that her friend Anny was made a Jedi knight to but died a year later. I thought she turned 13 without getting a master. How did she become a knight? She was sad about her friend but she knew that there was a time and place to moron mourn? for her. Why would Lumiere be sad? She hasn't seen this girl in ten years! What emotional attachment would she have? She had become a Jedi knight and she knew she had a job to do. She wanted a padawan but did not know who to take. She would just have to wait and see who impressed her. Those last few sentences seem like a quick conclusion to this lackluster bio. YOu need to put more detail into this. You need to address the things I have brought up every single time i have reviewed your application. Look over the comments. Change the misspelled words. Listen to me, or I might just stop trying to help. I want to help you, but you need to listen or else you will never make it through to acceptance.

Okay, so I have to admit that I am slightly frustrated. You have misspelled words that i have corrected before, and when you write new sections, you don't even try to correct the same words you consistently misspell. Also, I consistently have to remind you to go into detail. You should try to write your app so that all of my questions will go answered. That is the level of detail needed. Leave nothing to doubt. Write it all out.

Please, please, please, realize that I don't have to do this. I am doing it because your character has a lot of potential, but you need to take the advice i am giving you. Otherwise, I seem to be wasting my time.

PM me if you have any questions.

[Meira]

Still working on this?

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

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