Nareka(WIP)

[nareka]

Name: Nareka
Race: Human
Age: 34
Height: 5’11”
Weight: 159

Appearance:

Personality:

Birth place: Coruscant

Faction: Jedi Temple
Rank: Master

Lightsaber:
Color: Silver

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho 3
Makashi 1
Soresu 3
Ataru 1
Shien / Djem So 1
>>Sub-form Backhanded N/A
Niman N/A
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield N/A
Juyo N/A
Double Bladed Combat N/A

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 5
Telepathic: 4
Body: 3
Sense: 3
Protection: 9
Healing: 5
Destruction: 4

Specialized Skills:
- Force Deflection
- Force Wave

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 3
Intelligence: 8
Speed: 7
Leadership: 6

Unarmed: 4
Melee Weapons: 7
Ranged Weapons: 4

Force Attunement: 6

Bio:
RP Sample:

[Cadyren]

Hi I'm Cad, one a member of the Next Gen Team. I'm taking a break from a post so I decided I will give you a review
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Soresu shouldn't have more points in it then Shii-Cho and Shii-Cho has to be mastered to become a Knight. However if you want to make hi ma bad lightsaber user you can talk to lmr and maybe you two can work something out.

I'm just gonna tell you real quick that your Force stats are way to high. I'm guessing he is Force oriented so he could probably have two maybe three 7's in force stats, but his other scores would have to be lower. Also speed and intelligence should be lowered to a reasonable number.

Bio

2 is way to young to start training, I would say about 5 or 6 would be better.

Your first paragraph should be made into a lot more, because it seems to encompass the first 12 years of his life as well as talking about his later years.

A Padawan's power would not become greater then that of his masters, at least not while they were still a Padawan/

Why didn't the Jedi find out that his master was falling to the dark side? And why didn't Nareka tell anyone he was trying to teach him to use destruction? Also the Sith Order doesn't appear until about a year ago IC.

You need to go into details about his Knight trials, at least one paragraph per trial.

Nareka wouldn't have been able to kill his master anyway, he wouldn't be powerful enough.

Nareka would be to young to be powerful enough to heal himself from a life threatening...wound? You don't say how his master almost killed him.

You can't be close to the light side and the dark, also the Jedi Order would notice if he began to use the dark side because it would affect his presence in the Force.

You jump back to his Padawan years and talk about him going to Tatooine. First problem with that is that it is Hutt territory, which is outside Jedi jurisdiction. Also why would he go all the way to Tatooine to get crystals when he could go to Ilum and get one?

A Jedi usually doesn't become a Master until they train a Jedi to knighthood. Being a master is not about being powerful anyway, it is about being wise and a good mentor. So he wouldn't be raised to master rank just because he was powerful.
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I hope my review helped you, good luck with the character. Now if you excuse me I have a post to finish

[nareka]

Thanks for your help, I hadn't read all the rules yet, so was making it pretty general. Your post was greatly appreciated, being tired doesn't help either, but that is why the WIP was there in the title. I actually really do love constructive criticism, it makes things far more easier for me and makes me realize what I didn't previously think was exactly what was not supposed to be. I just read the crash course and I think i will go over a lot more in this bio of his. I actually love writing long bios, so I will get started on that immediately.

[Moonfire]

Hi Nareka, I'm your friendly neighborhood Mooney, lovers of Jedis and Memes. Bare with me here as I go through your character!

Mar 3, 2012 22:41:24 GMT -5 nareka said:

Appearance:

Goes without saying that you need an appearance here. More than just a picture, but a description as well.

Mar 3, 2012 22:41:24 GMT -5 nareka said:

Personality: Dedicated and strong, Nareka is a dangerous Jedi. While he is not very offensively oriented he can be very quick to anger, something which he gained from his dealings with the dark side of the force. He is a man who is a prodigy with his force powers and because of this lacks respect for many people he does not know. He is nonetheless a great leader which can be attributed to his intelligence and ability to work with a wide variety of people very well. Even though he is cold to people he doesn’t know, he will gain respect for people easily enough though if they show themselves not to be more of a burden than a help. He is very kind-hearted, even though he has been affiliated very highly with the dark side of the force for a time and because of this would not be able to switch sides as easily as somebody else of his attunement.

Ooookay. Someone so quick to anger might not be the best candidate for a Jedi Master. Not saying everyone needs to be a Zen master, thats unrealistic, but this guy seems a little bit on the darky and scary side for my taste. Yet hes also kind hearted? Also referring to your character as a prodigy isn't encouraged. There are a lot of Jedi, you don't need to be amazing to stand out. Just something to think about. Over all this guy seems kinda... bland to me. What are things that could make this guy stand out in a crowd? Being awesome all the time doesn't count either.

Mar 3, 2012 22:41:24 GMT -5 nareka said:

Color: Silver

I'd suggest changing the color....

Mar 3, 2012 22:41:24 GMT -5 nareka said:

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho 5
Makashi 1
Soresu 4
Ataru 2
Shien / Djem So 3
>>Sub-form Backhanded N/A
Niman N/A
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield N/A
Juyo N/A
Double Bladed Combat N/A

TOO MANY POINTS! TOOOOO MANY! Okay, so you can keep the 5 in Shii-Cho, and I know your character is a Master, but hes only 34, so you're going to need to bump down some of these stats. Pick one of these to be your 4-ish stat and bring the others down to like 2's. That one will be your character's main/favorite saber form.

Mar 3, 2012 22:41:24 GMT -5 nareka said:

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 6
Telepathic: 9
Body: 8
Sense: 8
Protection: 9
Healing: 7
Destruction: 4

Waaaay waaaaaay waaaaaaaaaay too high over here as well I'm afraid. The best way to think of the stats is as relatives. A 0 means you know absolutely nothing about the subject, and 10 means you are GOD OF ALL THAT IS ALL. Having a 9 in protection is like... Demi- God level. Your character will have to have spent all of his training so far focusing on only that. But meanwhile you have 8's in there as well, having two 9's in completely unheard of. I trust you to fix this up, but if you need a better idea of good stats for this character let me know and I'll help you out.

Mar 3, 2012 22:41:24 GMT -5 nareka said:

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 5
Intelligence: 9
Speed: 7
Leadership: 8

Unarmed: 4
Melee Weapons: 7
Ranged Weapons: 4

Remember what I said about relatives? That applies here as well. Its impossible for you character to have that high of an intelligence stat. Bring that down, please and thank you. I'd bring Leadership down a peg as well.

Mar 3, 2012 22:41:24 GMT -5 nareka said:

Even at birth, his midichlorian count was very high, so high that the jedi knew he would have quite some skill with all aspects of the force.

We don't believe in midichlorians here. Never speak of them. Kthanx.

Mar 3, 2012 22:41:24 GMT -5 nareka said:

During this time, the other students weakness in comparison to his skills made him feel very overconfident.

This caused his separation from other people and also his pride in his abilities. His ability with protection was quite advanced, especially for a youngling. While he showed quite high skill with Shii-Cho and what appeared would turn into a natural affinity for Soresu, but lacked ability for any other saber style. On top of this, his physical hand-to-hand fighting was underdeveloped because of his lack of natural strength. His other force abilities showed natural affinities for him, but nothing as impressive as his protection skills. Even going so far that he was able to perform a very weak force deflection.

So your character's been god since childhood? That must have been so hard. Might I suggest that you make your character... a little less amazing? Your character sounds like the ultimate hero right now. That's not a good thing.

Okay Nareka, I've only been able to bring myself to read through the youngling years and I've gotta say, there is going to be some serious re-working of this bio to get it at an acceptable level. A person can only get through so much "My character is awesome, my character was amazing~" As well, the Unnamed Master who taught Nareka here Dark Side secrets going on for so long is well... Its rather contrived. You're going to have to make this, if you wish to keep it, a little more realistic.

If I might suggest taking the Mary-Sue Limitus test for your character to see if it might give you a better idea of what attributes are more... desirable in a good character, and what your current versions down falls are. Here is a link to a good version of the test. www.springhole.net/writing/marysue.htm

If you'd like any help with working through these issues that I've pointed out please let me know and I'll be glad to help out.

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

Still working on this?

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

Moved to incomplete.