Dolina Lerr

[Arruna]

It's fixed, fortunatelly, only a few detail issues had to be taken care.

[Mara]

Okay, here goes...


I'll just focus on the areas that you changed, since all the other stuff was basically approved already (unless you changed something in appearance/personality, etc., let me know and I'll go over it again).
[n/a means I have nothing more to say; it's fine]


* Bio:
-- Part one:
- it's mentioned that her mother married very early, but in the next sentence you say she was one of the oldest brides...

-- Part two:
- n/a

-- Part three:
- at the beginning you mention she is a year younger than Norin, who is 16, making Dolina 15. And then she spends two years in slavery, so she would be 17 at the end of the bio, not 15. You'll have to make the ages consistent.

-- Part four:
- n/a

-- Part five:
- maybe you're missing something at the end? It ends a bit incomplete.


* Stats/Force stats--
n/a


* RP Sample--
- you forgot to remove one 'Yoda' and change to Lester
- Dolina's dialogue/actions here doesn't really sound like the personality you have throughout the bio; she seems like a different person.



All righties, just tiny little changes now.
Just tweak those, and I promise you'll be all set.
I see no more major problems with the story/content. And while there could be fixes to grammar/spelling/etc. it wouldn't stop approval. (If you would like to fix at a later date, I can help you; but really, it is not necessary).

[Arruna]

A few things have been changed as you asked, however, the personality part not only changed, but I am still thinking of it's correction. I leave it this way, same with the RP simple, though I ganna have to work on her personality in RP, I have ideas about this Dolina, but I can't discribe exactly at first I should see her in action...

Oh, I could use some grammar/spelling help for to the appearance/personality part. I would prefer to make it sounds better, and not only just fixing some mistakes.

[Mara]

Everything looks great... except, it seems you have put in your old RP sample with the Jedi Council and Yoda, instead of the new one with the judge... Change that back and you'll be set.


I can go over the grammar and such later; you don't need that for approval.

[Arruna]

Uppss, I haven't changed the old version in the txt

Operation was successful...

[Mara]

All righties, then.. I see no further problems with her.
And like I said, I can go over the grammar details at a later day if you'd like.

Side note: since at the end of the bio she escapes, you could change her occupation back to shaman novice. I'm not sure how you're gonna RP her, though, so it's up to you.


You have received...

Mara's seal of approval...

Go forth and escape your slavery!

[Mara]

Moved to Inactive, due to inactivity.


This notice will be removed, once active again.