Post by Fromikeable on Jul 23, 2012 12:18:38 GMT -5
Hey there! So listen; a little birdy told me you were in the market for a review. Considering labor, parts, and storage, the total price for this review will come out to be... carry the one... minus five...
-(Negative) 6,000 space chocolates. I'll just put you on the payment plan and begin the review.
Race, Height, Weight, and Birthplace: Good, except for the weight. A reptilian humanoid towering at a whopping 6 foot 5 inches (you spelled inches wrong by the way; there's an 'e' before the 's') would weigh in, by my approximation, somewhere around double the current weight. It definitely needs to be raised.
Appearance: First, "haves" should be "has". Second, this description is incredibly short. It doesn't tell you a whole lot about what he looks like. Think of it this way; if Askirk wasn't your character, and you read that, would you have a very good idea of what he looked like? Again, it needs some serious expansion.
Personality: Yence again, there simply isn't enough here. I read those sentences, and yet I still don't really know what Askirk is like. Is he friendly? Social? Is he imposing? Is he silent? Expand man!
Rank: Ehhhhhhh, this is a bit of an odd one. Masterhood, while plausible at age 33, is somewhat unlikely. Just because something is possible at an age does not make it so. You will need to write very well in the bio to get this pass the mod, otherwise you'll probably have to demote him to Knight or raise his age to something a bit more likely for a master. It's not wrong so much as just unlikely.
Lightsaber and Lightsaber Forms: both look really good actually, which I have to commend you on. Most people either get these way too low or way too high their first go-around, so it's good to see you've got a good idea. To be perfectly honest, with some good writing, you may be able to bump that double-bladed combat stat up another point. Well done.
Force-Sensitive Abilities: These look a bit too high. 9's are extremely difficult to justify around here, and even two 7's is a little difficult to pull off at only age 33. I would personally choose one of the higher numbers as the 7 (telekinetic, body, or sense), and keep the rest bellow 6, but that's a personal opinion. Either way, the 9 needs to go undoubtedly.
Attributes: A 3 is strength is weaker than you might think considering 5 is the normal strength of a human being. It's not disallowed, but keep in mind his strength might somewhat resemble an old man, or maybe the slightly handicapped.
Also, that 8 in intelligence needs some great writing to justify it. Failing that, just bump it down to a 7.
Bio: Right off the bat, I can see this is NOT long enough for a 33 year-old man. Take a look at some approved characters of the same age, and you'll see what I mean. I'll still review what you have though.
:: You say he didn't want to follow the culture of his species; why? Does he dislike fighting? What made him dislike it? Trandoshans are known to rarely dislike their cultural system; why did he?
:: How exactly did he come to be trained by the Jedi? The system Trandosha lies in is currently outside of Republic space, meaning Askirk wasn't tested at birth for midichlorians. How was he discovered to be Force-sensitive, how did he come in contact with the Jedi, and how did his parents let him go if they so revered him?
:: Why would he be shunned in the Temple for being Trandoshan?
:: You fly, and I mean fly through both his childhood and Younglingship. They need a good deal of fleshing out and explanation.
:: Who is this "Tralaga Nessam"? What's he like? You gloss over the first six years of Askirk's Padawanship as well. Expansion, dear sir!
:: Askirk had his own sniper rifle during the mission on Trandosha? Why? Jedi don't use guns!
:: RED FLAG: Considering that the Sith Order in our plot have only been around for a few years now, there is zero chance of them being in this bio. Dark Jedi, on the other hand, are allowed, but not Sith.
:: He used the Force to make himself invisible? That sounds like a dedicated Force skill; one that hasn't been so much as mentioned. In order for him to even have a remote chance of using it, you're going to have to elaborate a whole lot more on his training. Also, you should probably check the Forbidden Aspects of the site to make sure the power is even allowed.
:: Did he win the fight? Who was his new master? What trials did he accomplish in the fight? How did he accomplish them? Elaborate!
:: So he becomes a Knight. Again, you gloss over the Padawanship. We don't know what he was doing all those years, how he changed if at all, what he learned, etc. It needs direly some expansion.
:: He takes a padawan right out of the gate from his knighting? Why?
:: Tell us about Utera. Did he pick him just because he was a Wookie?
:: To my understanding, you cannot train yourself a form you don't already know. Therefore, Askirk teaching himself the art of Double-Bladed lightsabers is impossible. He could be educated by others, such as his peers or his former masters, but not himself.
:: You don't explain at all the padawanship of Utera. What did Asirk teach him? Why? What was he like? How did they get along? Expand again!
:: Why do they never see each other after Utera becomes a knight? Jedi are allowed to become good friends, and after spending a decade with one another, they would certainly become good friends if they got along. Friends talk to each other. You simply need to explain why these two don't.
:: Askirk wouldn't be automatically made a Master just for training a padawan. Masters have to earn their title because of themselves; either completed some great accomplishment or they have some great skill, etc. It's not just another rank; it's a title that isn't given out lightly.
:: You mention that he want to take on another student. Why?
RP Sample: Unless every post you are going to make with Askirk is going to be nothing more than a few sentences, I advise you redo this.
Well then, that's all I've got. If a mod or an admin says anything that contradicts what I'm saying, they get the call here.
There. One review, hot and fresh from the oven. Enjoy ;D
-(Negative) 6,000 space chocolates. I'll just put you on the payment plan and begin the review.
Race, Height, Weight, and Birthplace: Good, except for the weight. A reptilian humanoid towering at a whopping 6 foot 5 inches (you spelled inches wrong by the way; there's an 'e' before the 's') would weigh in, by my approximation, somewhere around double the current weight. It definitely needs to be raised.
Appearance: First, "haves" should be "has". Second, this description is incredibly short. It doesn't tell you a whole lot about what he looks like. Think of it this way; if Askirk wasn't your character, and you read that, would you have a very good idea of what he looked like? Again, it needs some serious expansion.
Personality: Yence again, there simply isn't enough here. I read those sentences, and yet I still don't really know what Askirk is like. Is he friendly? Social? Is he imposing? Is he silent? Expand man!
Rank: Ehhhhhhh, this is a bit of an odd one. Masterhood, while plausible at age 33, is somewhat unlikely. Just because something is possible at an age does not make it so. You will need to write very well in the bio to get this pass the mod, otherwise you'll probably have to demote him to Knight or raise his age to something a bit more likely for a master. It's not wrong so much as just unlikely.
Lightsaber and Lightsaber Forms: both look really good actually, which I have to commend you on. Most people either get these way too low or way too high their first go-around, so it's good to see you've got a good idea. To be perfectly honest, with some good writing, you may be able to bump that double-bladed combat stat up another point. Well done.
Force-Sensitive Abilities: These look a bit too high. 9's are extremely difficult to justify around here, and even two 7's is a little difficult to pull off at only age 33. I would personally choose one of the higher numbers as the 7 (telekinetic, body, or sense), and keep the rest bellow 6, but that's a personal opinion. Either way, the 9 needs to go undoubtedly.
Attributes: A 3 is strength is weaker than you might think considering 5 is the normal strength of a human being. It's not disallowed, but keep in mind his strength might somewhat resemble an old man, or maybe the slightly handicapped.
Also, that 8 in intelligence needs some great writing to justify it. Failing that, just bump it down to a 7.
Bio: Right off the bat, I can see this is NOT long enough for a 33 year-old man. Take a look at some approved characters of the same age, and you'll see what I mean. I'll still review what you have though.
:: You say he didn't want to follow the culture of his species; why? Does he dislike fighting? What made him dislike it? Trandoshans are known to rarely dislike their cultural system; why did he?
:: How exactly did he come to be trained by the Jedi? The system Trandosha lies in is currently outside of Republic space, meaning Askirk wasn't tested at birth for midichlorians. How was he discovered to be Force-sensitive, how did he come in contact with the Jedi, and how did his parents let him go if they so revered him?
:: Why would he be shunned in the Temple for being Trandoshan?
:: You fly, and I mean fly through both his childhood and Younglingship. They need a good deal of fleshing out and explanation.
:: Who is this "Tralaga Nessam"? What's he like? You gloss over the first six years of Askirk's Padawanship as well. Expansion, dear sir!
:: Askirk had his own sniper rifle during the mission on Trandosha? Why? Jedi don't use guns!
:: RED FLAG: Considering that the Sith Order in our plot have only been around for a few years now, there is zero chance of them being in this bio. Dark Jedi, on the other hand, are allowed, but not Sith.
:: He used the Force to make himself invisible? That sounds like a dedicated Force skill; one that hasn't been so much as mentioned. In order for him to even have a remote chance of using it, you're going to have to elaborate a whole lot more on his training. Also, you should probably check the Forbidden Aspects of the site to make sure the power is even allowed.
:: Did he win the fight? Who was his new master? What trials did he accomplish in the fight? How did he accomplish them? Elaborate!
:: So he becomes a Knight. Again, you gloss over the Padawanship. We don't know what he was doing all those years, how he changed if at all, what he learned, etc. It needs direly some expansion.
:: He takes a padawan right out of the gate from his knighting? Why?
:: Tell us about Utera. Did he pick him just because he was a Wookie?
:: To my understanding, you cannot train yourself a form you don't already know. Therefore, Askirk teaching himself the art of Double-Bladed lightsabers is impossible. He could be educated by others, such as his peers or his former masters, but not himself.
:: You don't explain at all the padawanship of Utera. What did Asirk teach him? Why? What was he like? How did they get along? Expand again!
:: Why do they never see each other after Utera becomes a knight? Jedi are allowed to become good friends, and after spending a decade with one another, they would certainly become good friends if they got along. Friends talk to each other. You simply need to explain why these two don't.
:: Askirk wouldn't be automatically made a Master just for training a padawan. Masters have to earn their title because of themselves; either completed some great accomplishment or they have some great skill, etc. It's not just another rank; it's a title that isn't given out lightly.
:: You mention that he want to take on another student. Why?
RP Sample: Unless every post you are going to make with Askirk is going to be nothing more than a few sentences, I advise you redo this.
Well then, that's all I've got. If a mod or an admin says anything that contradicts what I'm saying, they get the call here.
There. One review, hot and fresh from the oven. Enjoy ;D
