Dan-Corr

[Jiko]

Name: Dan-Corr
Race: Draethos
Age: 12
Gender: Female
Height: 1.2 M
Weight: 35kg
Appearance:
Birth place: Thosa

Faction: Jedi
Rank: Youngling


Bio: Dan-Corr species demanded warriors out of all there kind. When Dan-Corr’s parents chose to no longer be a warrior they were ridiculed and soon exiled off there home planet, Thosa. The family moved to Coruscant seeking the riches that democracy had to offer. At the age of 3 Dan-Corr was discovered by a jedi to have a strong mediclorian count. It was advised that she join the Jedi Order. However her parents left there life of there home world because of the violence. To put there daughter into violence was not something they planned for and at first decided not to send San-Corr off. Eventually though the parents were swayed by the jedi to allow her to join.

Through her life as a youngling Dan-Corr’s skills manifested fast and her force powers grew. Dan-Corr’s quest for knowledge over fighting truly allowed her to thrive in the force and also learn a lot about the past. As she grew more and more her friends at the academy drew further away for her quest for knowledge was unquenchable. For her age she was always considered a woman by his teacher.

Now after many years as padawan Dan-Corr has finally been chosen to go to a master who has requested it. Although she is excited she keeps his emotions to herself as she finds it much fun to control her emotions. It shows discipline she thought. Dan-Corr was ready to help the Jedi order with bringing peace and justice to the universe under her new Master, Master Shawn

Lightsaber: Single-phase
Color: Blue

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho 2

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 3
Telepathic: 3
Body: 2
Sense: 2
Protection: 3
Healing: 4
Destruction: 1


Attributes:

Physical Strength: 3
Intelligence: 3
Speed: 3
Leadership: 2

Unarmed: 2
Melee Weapons: 1
Ranged Weapons: 1

Force Attunement: 00

[lanphear]

I'm not a mod so don't take anything I say over what a mod says. First of all you don't really elaborate on what he does for those 12 years, you just kinda say he trained and learned. You should go much more in depth then that, even for a padawan. Another thing is that he needs jedi master to chose him not the council to just give him the rank and choose a master for him. There's also a typo that says "It was advised that he join the JedI council." It should say "It was advised that he join the jedi."

The biggest problem however is the stats, their WAY to high. Your going to need to knock all the force powers down to 2's, 3's and 4's, maybe one 5 but even that's a stretch for a padawan. Also his intelligence is way to high for his age, you should edit that as well.
Again, I'm not a mod, if a mod say's differently about anything I've written here, go with them on it.

[Jiko]

EDITED

[lanphear]

ok
first things first, bio is still to small, aside from that theirs some problems in the bio. A 3 year old won't be able to accept anything, the parents accept. A 3 year old would be able to puke on the Jedi's shirt, take a nap and then poop his pants. Another thing is that you should mention something about his master in here, either by finding someone to be his master in the Rp and mentioning their character *with their permission* here or by talking about his first master and giving a reason why he is no longer here. The reason behind this is that no one gets the rank of padawan without a master choosing them, so it makes no sense for the council to send for his master.

Another thing is if he's been in the jedi temple for 12 years, he's already long left his family. So the statement at the end about him leaving his family needs to be edited out as it makes no sense. Finally his stats still need adjusting, his force powers are again too high. When I said 2's, 3's and 4's, I meant maybe one 4, two 3's, two 2's and a 1, not all 4's. Your going to need to edit that as well as probably taking your intelligence down to 4. Also your specialized skills need to be edited out all together, no one really does them like that anymore and that section is reserved for special force powers that need moderator approval.

[Jiko]

EDITED

[lanphear]

Ok, obviously you just edited the stats, which is fine, as long as you plan on editing the bio over later. The stats look spot on to me now, you may have to do an Rp sample though with the 4 in healing. However that's up to the mods not me, but aside from that the stats look good. Everything I said previously about the bio still stands as is and I'm sure the moderators will agree with me on what I said in terms of that. So just to reiterate, if you want a moderator or admin to approve you, look over what I said about the bio and make the appropriate changes. However if a moderator says differently about anything I said, go with them on it.

[projectsunfire]

Your a Youngling until you have a master. If your a yougling you don't need an RP sample. Your 12 so you will likely be picked by a master soon, and you can come back and change your rank from Youngling to Padawan.

Do a spelling and grammar check.

[Jiko]

BUMP

changed rank
I only had 1 spelling mistake

[projectsunfire]

PSF observing Bio,

Omissions will be marked in Red
Mistakes will be marked in Orange
Other problems will be marked in Yellow and will be followed with an Explanation

Sept 3, 2008 15:43:15 GMT -5 Jiko said:

Name: Dan-Corr
Race: Draethos
Age: 12
Height: 1.2 M
Weight: 35kg
Appearance:
Birth place: thosa

Faction: Jedi
Rank: Youngling

- Padawans are chosen by the time the youngling is 13, or else the youngling is placed in a lesser role in the Jedi service corp. Keep this in mind when selecting your age / history

- Specializations are granted based on the skills a Jedi trains in.

- A grand master must have had at least one Padawan.

Bio: Dan-Corr species demanded warriors out of all there kind. When Dan-Corr’s parents choose to no longer be a warrior they were ridiculed and soon exiled off there home planet, thosa. The family moved to Coruscant seeking the riches that democracy had to offer. At the age of 3 Dan-Corr was discovered by a jedI to have a strong mediclorian count. It was advised that he join the JedI council

How could a child of 3 join the Jedi Council? Perhaps rewording this?

Sept 3, 2008 15:43:15 GMT -5 Jiko said:

however there parents left there life of there home world because of the violence. To put there son into violence was not something they planed for and at first decided not to send San-Corr off. Eventually though the parents were swayed by the jedI to allow him to join and with much happiness the 3 year old Dan-Corr accepted.

Through his life as a youngling Dan-Corr’s skilled manifested fast and his force powers grew. Dan-Corr’s quest for knowledge over fighting truly allowed him to thrive in the force and also learn a lot about the past. As he grew more and more his friends at the academy drew further away for his quest for knowledge was unquenchable. For his age he was always considered a man by his teacher.

After going through Padawan Finally The JedI Order has accepted Dan-Corr as a padawan. Although they wanted to graduate him earlier he refused because he wanted more time to gain knowledge. Now one of the Jedi order's master has asked for a Jedi Padawan and Dan-Corr has been chosen as his padawan and join the JedI order in there quest for peace and justice.

This makes no sense. Especially now that you've changed your rank. Can you please fix it, change it, or omit it.

Sept 3, 2008 15:43:15 GMT -5 Jiko said:

Lightsaber: Duel-phase

Your a youngling, even a Padawan would likely be hard pressed to make a duel-phase Lightsaber. Duel Phased Lightsaber denied, a single phase will be fine.

Sept 3, 2008 15:43:15 GMT -5 Jiko said:

Color: Blue

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho 2

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 3
Telepathic: 3
Body: 2
Sense: 2
Protection: 3
Healing: 4
Destruction: 1


Attributes:

Physical Strength: 3
Intelligence: 3
Speed: 3
Leadership: 2

Unarmed: 2
Melee Weapons: 1
Ranged Weapons: 1

Force Attunement: 00

Thats all, please make the appropriate changes.

[Jiko]

ok I think I got it this time. I changed rank back to Padawan.

[projectsunfire]

There are other mistakes you have yet to fix. Reply again after you've reviewed my previous Observations and made the appropriate changes.

[Jiko]

Surely Sherly?

[projectsunfire]

yes things like that.

Sept 3, 2008 15:43:15 GMT -5 Jiko said:

Name: Dan-Corr
Race: Draethos
Age: 12
Height: 1.2 M
Weight: 35kg
Appearance:
Birth place: Thosa

Faction: Jedi
Rank: Youngling

Bio: Dan-Corr species demanded warriors out of all there kind. When Dan-Corr’s parents chose to no longer be a warrior they were ridiculed and soon exiled off there home planet, Thosa. The family moved to Coruscant seeking the riches that democracy had to offer. At the age of 3 Dan-Corr was discovered by a jedI to have a strong mediclorian count. It was advised that he join the JedI Order. however his parents left there life of there home world because of the violence. To put there son into violence was not something they planned for and at first decided not to send San-Corr off. Eventually though the parents were swayed by the jedI to allow him to join.

Through his life as a youngling Dan-Corr’s skills manifested fast and his force powers grew. Dan-Corr’s quest for knowledge over fighting truly allowed him to thrive in the force and also learn a lot about the past. As he grew more and more his friends at the academy drew further away for his quest for knowledge was unquenchable. For his age he was always considered a man by his teacher.

Now after many years as padawan Dan-Corr has finally been chosen to go to a master who has requested it. Although he is excited he keeps his emotions to himself as he finds it much fun to control his emotions, It shows discipline he thought. Dan-Corr was ready to help the Jedi order with bringing peace and justice to the universe under her new Master, Master Shawn

Lightsaber: Single-phase
Color: Blue

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho 2

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 3
Telepathic: 3
Body: 2
Sense: 2
Protection: 3
Healing: 4
Destruction: 1


Attributes:

Physical Strength: 3
Intelligence: 3
Speed: 3
Leadership: 2

Unarmed: 2
Melee Weapons: 1
Ranged Weapons: 1

Force Attunement: 00

Apart from the little mistakes, what gender is your Draethos?

[Iota]

the gender is male.. several "he" and "his" comments are made

[Jiko]

women and done

[projectsunfire]

Approved

[Jenno]

It has been over a month since this user was last active.

Moved profile to Inactive.