Okays... I'll see what I think when I get to it.
Here goes, critiques, plus a few comments:
* Her weight seems a bit low for her height. (I weigh more than that and I'm 3 inches shorter
).
* You need to have at least a planet for her birth planet. Not just a sector. If there is no city for your planet of choice, that's fine. But I would like a specific planet. If you want to list the sector, just put that under her occupation: Minister, etc., of Taris sector.
* Rank: you just describe her occupation here, instead of giving a rank.
Just FYI. You could probably just discuss the roles of the different occupations in the bio later.
Maybe just occupation: government minister or something; rank: Minster of State/ Minister of Security and Intelligence
Or whatever. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between the two, lol.
* Age birth to age 5. There is nothing here. I need to know more about her childhood. How she was raised. What she did. Etc. Etc.
* Second paragraph, you list her brother as Jo, instead of Lo.
* How come at such a young age she could accompany her mother? Was this so Ty didn't have to be in daycare or something? Why wasn't she in school? And what kind of trade did she work in? At the edge of the sector--so they had to travel to a different plant just for her to work?
* I still would prefer no dialogue and would rather you explained in prose what happens. Like, a strange man barged in and started telling her father that the minister of state had passed, etc. etc. I just personally think dialogue is a lazy way to incorporate events in a bio.
* What does Onderon and Alderaan have to do with Taris and the minister of state?
* Again, just explain that her father tells her to go with her brother; no need for dialogue here. It doesn't add to the story.
* Why does her father send her with her brother to Naboo?
* Big gap from age 6 to 16. There is no such thing as "uneventful." There are ten years here, and obviously something happens here. Probably another couple paragraphs here talking about her schooling. Why did she like school? Why no friends?
* Not sure why isolated herself socially would isolate her from her family/brother. Why wouldn't she care about her own brother?
* Why did she like politics? What speeches? More details about her university life.
* Why was she offered the position with the Queen? Just being the top of her class wouldn't grant her this. Also--top of her class? There is no indication before this that she was a good student, grades-wise. I need some reason for this.
* I like the part where she adores the queen, but upon meeting her face-to-face, this is shattered.
* Why would her reputation be destroyed? Just for bad-mouthing the queen?
*
Change to "seemed." Need past tense.
* She goes back home, though she had completely forgotten her brother and family.... She must be desperate.
* Senator? I thought her father was the ministry of state? How did he lose it and become senator instead?
Why would she be surprised at hearing her father's name, when she had asked to see a Mr Jing?
* Long paragraph of dialogue not needed. Just have her father be telling her all this without the dialogue.
* If her father was the one up for the job, why would his opponents kill off his wife and son?
* Okay, so after ten years plus, they still hadn't named a successor for the Ministry of State?
* "And this was true." -- There is no need for this, because we should believe that what her father tells her IS true. Unless she thinks otherwise. The bio is about facts.
* Why did she work with her father?
* Okay, so just when she feels the current minister of security is failing, the position just happens to empty when she wants it? And why does she go to Coruscant for the position? Isn't she the minister still for the Taris sector?
* Wait... she's not the minister but just has a position in the ministry? Okay....
* Again, dialogue not needed with the bounty hunter. Just simply explain it. I do think, though, that you could expand on this area, since it is obviously a turning point in her life--to agree to go against the Jedi. A hard task, while she is on Coruscant....
* Why would they not investigate her if she became minister?
* Comment to the press can stay, since it's not really a dialogue... And I think it's kind of necessary.
* Why did she want to destroy the republic? When did this decision happen? All because of the bounty hunter/Jedi talk?
* Okay... so how can she be a minister on two separate planets: Coruscant and some place in the Taris sector?
* Last paragraph: "currently holds"-- this is present tense and should be in past tense. More in this paragraph as well to be changed to past tense.
* To overthrow the governement-- so she wants to overthrow the Chancellor (ruler of the galaxy) or just the leader of Taris/her local government? Enemy government? I don't know that the Sith have a government yet, but I could ask about it.
Okay, I have to say that this bio confused the heck out of me, to be honest. I'm not sure I understand the whole ministry thing and the whole hierarchy of power within it.
My guess is that the ministers work under the Chancellor on Coruscant and then they have various assistant in their respective ministry. And then there are the senators from various planets.
However, it seems you have also made a separate set of ministers just for this Taris sector... so that is why I'm mainly confused. I'm not sure who is working for who or where they are working.
Plus, I am having a hard time understanding her motivations at the end of the bio, for wanting to involve herself in treasonous acts against the Republic. There is explanation of her going against the Jedi--but then she never follows up on what she tells the bounty hunter. No further mention of it.
* Stats seem okay, just make sure to put in a break, so each is on its own line.
* RP sample is fine.
Okay, overall.. I can understand what you want this character to be. I just need a lot more detail about her life and her motivations for what she ends up doing.
).