Shadow

[shadowoftheforce]

Dark Jedi

Name:Shadow
Race:Cathar
Age:24
Height:6'10"
Weight:210
Appearance: Shadow is a cathar with black fur with red cat like eyes and traditional dark Jedi robes with no footwear
Birth place: Cathar

Faction: Dark Jedi

Rank:dark Jedi knight

Bio:Shadow was born on cathar moved to dantooine at 5months because his parents were sick of the laws being so strict. They moved into an estate outside the forest. when shadow was age 1 the dark Jedi sensed he was force sensitive and wanted to get to him before The Jedi did but he was to young to start training so they waited to he was 4 and took him from his family while the parents were sleeping.They took him to a secret dark Jedi school outside the forest on Dantooine free from detection from the Jedi to their master Necros.

When shadows parents found him gone from his bed they freaked and went to the authorities who said there was nothing they could do. Shadow's parents searched for shadow themselves for 3 years but they could not find the secret school.

Shadow went through many years of training to learn the power of the dark side, the dark Jedi put shadow through lightsaber training at age 5.Shadow was taught form 1 first as a base for form 3 it took shadow 10 years to become proficient with form 3.

Afterward they started his force training with the basics which took about a year or two and they started more advanced training with shock and combustion. It took about 2 more years for him to be proficient with those. and then by age 19 he was ready for more advanced lightsaber techniques so they started form 5 training shadow was halfway through form 5 training when Necros wanted him to go on his first mission at age 22 going on 23.

Shadows first mission was to sever the last bond to the galaxy besides his anger. His final bond was his parents so he was told to kill the parents that he thought abandoned him so he took the mission willingly. It took shadow 2 months to find his parents because they moved from the old estate to the outskirts of dantooine near the crystal cave.He found and killed his parents a month before he turned 23. he cut them down with his double bladed red light saber given to him by necros without mercy then brought the bodies to his master as proof of his success though it took him 2 trips to bring both bodies to the school he was congratulated on his success. Necros then said he was ready to advanced to the next level but he had to build his own lightsaber.

Shadow waited the last 3 weeks before starting to think about the design of his own light saber when he was ready he took some metal from the school to build his hilt then he went to the crystal cave to finish the job. While searching for crystals he found a clear one to use as his color crystal then he found a jenraux and sapith crystal to use as power crystals. he then meditated for a year to gain a link through the force to build his light saber to be original and unique style that resembled his nature. When he finished the light saber it emitted a midnight blue light on either side. He was surprised because the crystal was clear so he thought he did something wrong,but he realized that the crystal was fuel by the darkness in his heart do he called it the Dark Night.He then returned to the school and showed his master the lightsaber he built. Then Necros said that his training was complete.

Afterward Shadow left to learn through his own experience. And so shadow's story begins


Lightsaber: double-bladed

Color: midnight blue

force powers:Shock,and Combustion

[Xaojii]

1. There are no Sith in this era. You cannot have been trained by a Sith. Nor would you be somehow granted the title of Sith anything.

2. Your friend having no name is incredibly convenient and not allowed.

3. You can't be trained by any Jedi, Sith, half sentient lemur and then suddenly become a force user, you are either force sensitive or you're not. A Jedi Master doesn't grant ability to use the force, only fine tunes it. If your character was even remotely force sensitive the Jedi would've taken your character along with Flare.

4. Jedi don't go around just killing people, even if they did then I doubt some punk on the streets would be able to take down even a padawan.

Overall this bio needs to be fleshed out a little more and a bit longer with the appropriate changes before it can be accepted.

[shadowoftheforce]

made the necessary mods so when u get a chance take another look

[Xaojii]

They would have almost certainly taken Shadow and Flare. Jedi don't give up on potential vict... I mean pupils easily. Also BOTH Shadow and Flare are even for this era considered a little old to be taken for training.

Spell and Grammar check would be in order as well.

[shadowoftheforce]

new mods made take a look OK xaojii

[Jenno]

(Stepping in as Shadow wants this character ready asap.)

Okay, first off, 20 is too young to be at the 'Knight' level, 22 is minimum age for getting to that level. So if you put his age to 20, then he's still pretty damn new as a Knight. So you might want to consider the age a bit.

Where did the Dark Jedi take him? If they kept him on Dantooine then eventually they would have been discovered by the Jedi, it would been near enough impossible for them to completely evade the Jedi on a world where they have a sub council filled with fairly strong Masters.

Shadows parents fell into a deep depression and stood in their own estate for 3 years.

Eh? That makes no sense.

the dark Jedi taught shadow lightning and rage as his first powers and then he started lightsaber training at age 5.

Whoa there, Force Lightning at 5 years of age? Methinks not, that's an advanced Force technique and I doubt he'd be able to even get a spark at that age. I see how they could be building up to rage but the same problem still applies. Your character is not some unbelievably amazing prodigy who is better than Anakin was. He's been training for about a year and it takes most at least 6-10 to grasp the basics. The starting lightsaber training is fine though.

Shadow was taught form 3 as his first form so he could be more resilient to later master the way of the krayt dragon.at age ten he finally finished the form 3 training. the next step was mastering it which took another 5 years. at age 15 shadow was able to start form5 training which took 4 years and shadow was ready to go on his first mission.

9 years to Master two Lightsaber forms? No, not possible. The fact that he hasn't been taught Shii-Cho would hinder him as well, considering it acts as the basis of all forms. He could have been a practitioner of those forms but it's impossible to Master two of them in 9 years, especially at that age.

force powers:lightning,rage,fear,immolation,combustion,Drain,
jump, push,pull,speed,crush,slow

Okay, you don't need to list the basic ones. But you haven't mentioned learning fear, immolation, combustion, drain, crush or slow. And they're considered as 'other' force powers. Also, I'd like to point out that if you're going to give him that many force powers, he would be extremely inexperienced at all of them. Cut it down to two (or three at a push) that way he'd have had the time to become at least fairly decent at them. So you'd have to mention learning them in your Bio.

By the way, the last paragraph is fine apart from the fact that it needs to start with a capital letter and end with a full stop.

Also, it may be easier if you give his Master a name.

Make these amendments and then I'll take it from there.

~Jenno

[shadowoftheforce]

all set jenno when your ready check the mods

[Jenno]

Right, one thing, the Master's name can't be 'Darth' because that's a Sith title and, well, Xao's already explained that bit to you.

Other than that the bio's fine.

One last thing you've gotta do for me, I take it you didn't see it on the template.

Here's the quote from the last part of the template:

Note: Any character above level of Dark Knight must have a Sample Post involving that character's personality, powers, and overall RPing style.

So, post up a sample of your roleplaying to try and impress, if I deem it of a 'Knight' standard then your profile will be approved.

[shadowoftheforce]

3 months after shadow left the school and traveling through the forest cutting down any non-sentient species in his way. He found an abandoned cave thinking it was another crystal cave he went inside and it was filled with kinrath he cut them down and he finally got to the end where there were two terentateks draining the life force from a dead Jedi and they turned towards shadow.
"i have been waiting for a real challenge in this forsaken forest."Shadow muttered to himself
shadow used combustion to explode the ground making a hole beneath one terentatek. He then drew Dark Night and charged at the terentatek still on the ground. he landed a blow that nearly missed just grazing the beast. He dodged as the beast went to scratch him with it's huge claws. then shadow went for another attack which hit dead on causing the beast to stumble shadow then noticed and opening landing blow after blow and dodging when needed. then hit the final blow through the beast's head. After severing a nail so he could use it as a tool he jumped down the hole landing a blow on the second beast's shoulder. He then dodged as the beast tried to bite him. he kept landing blow after blow on the beast but did not get it to stumble. dodge after dodge strike after strike Shadow finally cut it down after 2 hours of battle.
"wow that was tough man a didn't think it was going to tire me out i guess i was wrong"shadow muttered out of breath

there's the sample take a look

[Jenno]

Right...

Okay, a few things.

1. Grammar, Shadow needs a capital S otherwise you're talking about a person's shadow. There Are places that need commas and full stops.

2. If you're going to post as a Knight, you're going to want to go more in depth, at least a little, more detail will help you write more.

3. Consideration. Combustion that creates a hole out of solid ground? That would mean using combustion on the whole area which you want to be the hole. Also, you need to make things seem like they are work. "he went inside and it was filled with kinrath he cut them down" that makes your character sound extremely strong, as if slaughtering a lot of creatures isn't hard work. You've got to try and consider the situation and be realistic, wont he have got cut or injured fighting so many?

Just try and use some adjectives or adverbs to try and alter the piece. At the moment, it's not quite good enough to be 'Knight' level.

I can't tell you what exactly to change as this should be about you learning.

However, I will just give you one piece of advice. During your writing, it makes it seem more 'professional', if you will, when you write small numbers out in text. So, one opposed to 1. I'm not saying to do the the same for a number like 156 because that's just silly, but it just looks better.

~Jenno

[Jenno]

Moved to Incomplete Profiles.