Post by Mara on May 22, 2009 0:29:21 GMT -5
Here I go:
*I wouldn't mind having a written physical description to go along with the image. Like, what does she wear typically? Does she carry anything with her? Weapons? Etc. etc.
*Why did her mother leave? And her father?
* Your third paragraph in "Youth" is one long run-on sentence. Please split it up for easy reading. Also, I think you spell "disease" wrong.
* Why was her brother's body bloody?
* You hardly ever mention her age in the entire bio. I'd like to have a few more of these, just so I know the age related to these events
* How did she almost get captured by slavers?
* Why would she get sent to an orphanage on Alderaan (Alderaan, with two As)? Were there none on Zalso?
* You say she was "soon" adopted, yet, you also say she spent several years in the orphanage, so....
* Why would an old man adopt a girl? Even if he felt sad for her, it doesn't seem very logical for someone his age to adopt a 12 year old girl. Especially if he's single.
* Last sentence of the bio needs to be past tense.
Okay, overall, there is potential in this bio. However, it is mostly pretty vague and without much detail. Perhaps you could read over a couple accepted bios for some examples.
Plus, more details... especially in her early childhood... with the orphanage--what else did she do? ... and when she is adopted--you have five years there with not much detail, then another three with almost none until the man dies.
Also, I would check it over yourself or in a word processor for run-on sentences. I appreciate a good complex sentence myself, but there is no reason to splice together four or more thoughts in one long sentence.
Also, I'm finding it hard to stomach the fact that this girl is a master combat instructor. Just because her father dies and the dojo is left empty, it does not automatically make her a master. She's still basically a student herself. Just because she has become adept at some of the styles.. I wouldn't think anyone would feel she was qualified to teach anyone.
Plus, this is Alderaan, a peaceful planet. Why would there be a combat instructor there? I know he has few students, but I think he would have even less than that. People on this planet have no use for fighting, as far as I know.
Stats are okay for now.
RP sample is okay.
*I wouldn't mind having a written physical description to go along with the image. Like, what does she wear typically? Does she carry anything with her? Weapons? Etc. etc.
*Why did her mother leave? And her father?
* Your third paragraph in "Youth" is one long run-on sentence. Please split it up for easy reading. Also, I think you spell "disease" wrong.
* Why was her brother's body bloody?
* You hardly ever mention her age in the entire bio. I'd like to have a few more of these, just so I know the age related to these events
* How did she almost get captured by slavers?
* Why would she get sent to an orphanage on Alderaan (Alderaan, with two As)? Were there none on Zalso?
* You say she was "soon" adopted, yet, you also say she spent several years in the orphanage, so....
* Why would an old man adopt a girl? Even if he felt sad for her, it doesn't seem very logical for someone his age to adopt a 12 year old girl. Especially if he's single.
* Last sentence of the bio needs to be past tense.
Okay, overall, there is potential in this bio. However, it is mostly pretty vague and without much detail. Perhaps you could read over a couple accepted bios for some examples.
Plus, more details... especially in her early childhood... with the orphanage--what else did she do? ... and when she is adopted--you have five years there with not much detail, then another three with almost none until the man dies.
Also, I would check it over yourself or in a word processor for run-on sentences. I appreciate a good complex sentence myself, but there is no reason to splice together four or more thoughts in one long sentence.
Also, I'm finding it hard to stomach the fact that this girl is a master combat instructor. Just because her father dies and the dojo is left empty, it does not automatically make her a master. She's still basically a student herself. Just because she has become adept at some of the styles.. I wouldn't think anyone would feel she was qualified to teach anyone.
Plus, this is Alderaan, a peaceful planet. Why would there be a combat instructor there? I know he has few students, but I think he would have even less than that. People on this planet have no use for fighting, as far as I know.
Stats are okay for now.
RP sample is okay.
