Okay, here's a start....
*Sex:
-- Just list male or female here. Yes, I know he is a Hutt and is interchangeable, but you will be RPing with him in primarily one gender, yes? So just list the one you will be using the most.
* Appearance:
-- Does he look exactly like this picture or are there differences? Maybe a couple sentences describing him here, as well.
* Birthplace:
-- Okay, since there is not much on it in Wookieepedia, and I have no idea whether or not Hutts actually live here... maybe a little extra in the bio about how/why his family was on that planet. Also, whether they lived in a big city or just in a rural area.
* Occupation/Rank:
-- Again, "Leader of the Trading Guild" is not an occupation, that is more like a rank. So switch it around and fill something in the occupation area as well. Perhaps, trader. Also.. which Trading Guild is this?
* Bio:
-- Birth:
-- More information on his mother, his family... why were they are on Koravii?
-- Okay, 50 years in the pouch... what did he do? Did he ever leave it?
-- His name.. was this traditional for his family or for all Hutts? We need more information on his species/culture, so we can better understand how it is different than humans.
-- He was talkative? Was this when he was still in the pouch? What did he talk about?
This part is interesting, perhaps expand on it.
-- Okay, so his parents have this Trade Guild.. their own private company? Does it had a more specific name? Also, I would put this in the beginning of the paragraph when you talk about his family, instead of just randomly putting it at the end of the paragraph.
-- Some more examples of his family life at home would add more detail.
-- Early life:
-- "Dorn's father Dorn"- is this a mistype?
-- High school, huh... so after he spends 50 years in the pouch, he goes right to secondary education? What about the equivalent to elementary school? Did he learn at home from his mother? Have a formal schooling? Why send him to school at this age?
-- How old was he when he attended this high school?
-- Lonely without much friends, how come? You said earlier he is very talkative. Are there other Hutts in his village/city who went to school with him? Or is it mostly humans/other beings? Perhaps he feels lonely because he is the only Hutt?
-- Why did he excel in business and economics classes? Because they were easy? Or he enjoyed them?
-- What else did he do while in school?
-- First he's lonely, now he is a bully... why is he greedy? Why bully the other students? Because he wishes they were his friends, and this is how he compensates? Did the teachers ever reprimand him or tell his parents?
-- How long was he in school? Did he graduate? How old was he?
-- Navy College:
-- Why did his father send him to the Navy? It seems like an odd place to stick a Hutt, especially one whose parents own their own company.
-- Was this still on Koravii? I wouldn't think a small agricultural world would have a Naval outpost...
-- I'm not sure what you mean with the sacrifices part. "He was found by his leaders at Navy to know that sacrifices must be made in war for the greater good and he would often make unnessasary sacrifices in order to completely secure his work." This sentence confuses me.
-- I'd like more information on what he did while in this naval school... like what else he did besides studying tactics.
-- Republic Navy:
-- So after graduating naval school, he decides to go right on to the Navy? It seemed as though his father was only sending him there for some schooling, not to make his son into a sailor. What about the family trading guild?
-- So there is an outpost in the Koravii system? What is there that is important? Or is it just a scum job for the 'lowliest' Naval personnel?
-- How did Dorn find himself always near the commander? Which ship did he serve on? Who is the commander?
-- Why did the commander take a shine to Dorn and decide to teach him? Why the Hutt and not all the others on the ship?
-- Questionable things? I think if my commander showed me illegal things, I would have reported him for a court martial, not just gone along with it. Why doesn't Dorn report him?
-- Whoa, whoa.... he gives this Hutt, fresh out of naval school, the position of his XO in battles? What rank is Dorn, anyway? He wouldn't even probably have access to the bridge of the ship, let alone be given any power, depending on where he ranked.
-- Okay, even if he has the right to be in control... explain how he defeated this pirates.
-- How did he become a commander? How old is he now?
-- Parents Death:
-- A convoy? Why did the pirates attack it? Something about the cargo?
-- How come their death ended his 10 years in the Navy (if it was ten years, I will need a lot more detail in the previous paragraph about his Navy service, a lot more)? Why not give the Guild to one of their employees? They obviously didn't want their son to run it, if they sent him off to the Navy.
-- Leader of the Trading Guild:
-- He's 80? You might want to do your math again, unless he was older than 50 when he went to high school.. and spent 10 years each in that and in naval college. By my count, 50 in high school, about 5 years there, about 5 years in navy college, 10 years in service, that equals that he is 70 when his parents die/he gets the trading guild.
-- Does he like that he has to leave the navy and lead the guild?
-- Okay, he just gets it, and he's already doing things? Like "expand the mall time Trade Cartel to Private Protection agency," which I don't really understand... What is he doing exactly? And where did the motivation to do this come from?
-- Protecting civilian vessels from Navy attack? Why would the Republic attack civilians? Also, why would a cargo/trade ship even want to help out civilians? Wouldn't they want to just transport their goods as quickly as possible?
-- How did he spread further in the galaxy with the Guild? Any bases on other planets?
-- Why expand to military and agricultural trading? Because the other planets are more military-based or agriculturally based?
-- How did it become successful doing this? Who did they sell to? What did they do?
-- Golden age of the Guild:
-- Why does the guild have military forces? You'd think after spending ten years in the Navy, he would have respect for them and not need to his own army.
-- And what kind of personal use? What did he need war ships and droids for?
-- This Guild surpasses the Republic Navy? How? And is this plausible?
-- Umm.. other galaxies? I'm pretty sure at this time no one has ever figured out intergalatic travel... you'll have to stay in this galaxy.
-- What cold war? Why is Dorn trying to set up his own empire? Does he hate the Republic, even after all his military service? Why the sudden change?
* Stats:
I think physically could be upped to a 4, he is a Hutt after all, but intelligence to 5 and leadership to 5 or 6. And ranged weapons to 1 or 2--no evidence that he was trained in blasters, and melee to 1--how would a Hutt fight with melee weapons?
* RP Sample:
I'd like this to be longer...
Also, which classroom is he in? Is this Naval school?
Okay, overall... I think this has good potential.
However, you need a lot more detail in the bio. Plus, you need to explain all the things Dorn is doing, because, quite frankly, it doesn't make sense to me.
His father sends him to naval school > he excels and joins the Navy > he leaves and builds up the trade guild to take down the Republic.... It really doesn't make sense.
Same goes with the schooling, learning economics and business > learning tactics > using none of this when he gets the Guild.... so why learn tactics?
There's just a few unanswered questions in here, and I'm not always entirely sure of Dorn's motivations for his actions.
Also, I would run through and do a spellcheck, check some of your grammar.
I'll go through this again when you've revised.
I also might ask Wolf to check out the military things, as that's not really my strong point.
((Please do not take this review as a slam against you or the character; I am merely trying to understand who this character is. I am only helping you.
I am willing to work with you if you have any questions... so don't delete your app or something rash like that... let it stay here so we can help you.))
