Hiro (UNFinished :D)

[Zaine]

Not a mod, but your skills are, like, really overpowered, especially for a 23 year old man. No one is that strong or that smart with the exception of, like, SW jesus's. Plus, red crystals aren't allowed in the jedi as far as I remember. And guard shotos are unbelievably uncommon. They may be restricted.

[Dutch]

Only saying this quick bit:

Red is ok for color, but guard shoto's are not yet allowed.

[hiro]

Lol ok, no SW jesus and no Guard Shoto.

[Zaine]

Physical Strength, Speed, and Body power are all still WAY too high.

At age 23, jedi are just mastering Shii-cho. None of those other two should be a four. One should be a one and one should be a 2 or a 3.

[sparrow]

The maximum age to enter the Jedi Order as a youngling is six. This is a rule so you will have to change this part of the bio.

There are no Sith allowed in the bios, as the Sith Order has been considered extinct for the past several centuries, and has only recently reformed very very recently in RP time.

Your saber stats are too high. Generally acceptable saber stats for a character of this age are 4-5 in Shii-cho and 3-5 points distributed among other forms.

I'm not sure whether guard shotos are allowed or not I think there might have been an accepted character who used them. Either Jenno or Meira should be able to give you an official verdict on that. If such a weapon is allowed however, you will have to write about him learning and training with such a weapon, since using a guard shoto is very very different from using a normal lightsaber.

You should lower either strength or speed (or both), unless you can provide justification on why he's both very strong and very fast.

Melee weapons does not cover lightsabers, so unless he is especially skilled in vibroblades and other non-lightsaber melee weapons (which should be explained in-bio if he is), you should lower that number. A general rule of thumb is that every stat over seven should have some sort of in-bio justification.

[hiro]

Ok explained why he's strong and fast

and editted out sith people lol

if you feel the abilities are still bad give me a set to go with.

[Ä©ε]

I think the Abbilities are better, though thats not my call....

You still do have quite a few mentions of Sith In your Bio....as well as a war that hasn't started.

Also You make quite a large skip from when he first joined the order to 18, you also might want to explain where he acquired a Orange Lightsaber Crystal.

[Kella]

Heya! I'm your friendly neighborhood Kellaishleya, resident NGT of all things Jedai. ;D And I'm here to pass judgment... dun dun dun... we've quite a few wrinkles to iron out, so I'll take this in small steps, but we'll get there eventually. Don't worry! Alright, here we go.


Firstly, if you could unbold everything except the categories, that'd be awesome. As of right now, it's a bit hard to read. X)

~~~

Appearance: Hiro's appearance is very un-jedi like. Usually, they are very emotionally in control, and would have no reason to hide a mask. If a Jedi were wearing a mask to hide his Shame, then the members of the council would know right away, and they would work with him until he got over his Shame, or ended up becoming fed up and quitting the Order. Also, Jedi of this period rarely wear special armor, since they are discouraged from owning any possessions.

Also, at this point in time, the human colony on Naboo is quite small, and they aren't manufacturing any sort of Blast armor.

In addition, if a Jedi has a tattoo, you'd need a very good reason, especially considering a word such as 'love'. The Jedi tend to discourage attachments and relationships, so it doesn't strike me as a word a Jedi would prefer.

~~~

There are some smaller issues here and there with your bio, but two big ones stand out to me:

First of all, you completely skip the ages between 6 and 18. This is a gap of twelve years. This time of late childhood is hugely instrumental in determining how a person turns out. There are a lot of questions to be answered here, namely:

What was his time as a youngling like?

Did he get along well with his peers?

Who was his master, and why did his master choose him?

How well did he get along with his master?

What skills did he favor when he was young?

What sort of missions did he go on with his master?

Answer these questions for me, and you'll have a lot of great new meat in your bio. :D

The second big issue I notice is your mention of the battle with the Mandolorians. At this point in history, the Mandolorians are attacking the Republic, but the Jedi are not involved. In fact, there's not much war going on at all. All mention of this, the battles and such, is going to have to be removed. Sorry. :/

A Jedi Guardian of this time would spend most of his time Chasing down the plentiful Dark Jedi, or looking for criminals that the local police can't catch. I'd recommend replacing the part in your bio about the war, with a few of his missions as a Padawan and as a Knight.

~~~

Lightsaber Stats: I'd expect Hiro to have a 5 in Shii-Cho, and 3-4 points distributed between 1-2 other forms. Go ahead and adjust this for me. :D


Force Stats: The most I'd give him for body would be a 7... so go ahead and drop that 8 to a 7 or a 6. Also, I'd say you could go ahead and bring his protection up to a 4 or a 5: Guardians will use this ability quite a bit. :P


Strength vs Speed: These are too high, and too close. He's either going to be about a 4/5 in both of them, or he's going to favor one over the other. Since he's a human, and you don't mention much about strength, I'd say... 7 in Strength, and 4/5 in Speed. Since he's a Guardian, he'll naturally be a bit higher in those areas than most, but you're going to want to show us which one he prefers.

Unarmed: Since you don't specifically mention this, and he's only 23, I think it'd be wise to bring this down to a 6, but I'm not totally sure... up to you, unless a mod says different. :P


~~~


Force Attunement: Since he seems to have a lot of inner struggle, I'd think his attunement would be closer to a +1 or +2... but you know him better than I do, roffle. :P

~~~

Revision: I get the feeling that grammar and English aren't your forte... which is totally alright. :D However, if you could go ahead and re-read things, and try to make sure everything's in past-tense, that'd be awesome. ^^ It'll help you catch your own mistake, and improve yourself while you're at it. :D


~~~


Go ahead and take care of everything I've mentioned above. When you're done, post again, and I'll give it another look over, go through your bio again, and let you know if I notice any smaller things that need working on. :D It'll take some work, but I think this bio has potential. We'll get it nice and shiny in no time! If you have any questions about the Jedi, or the Site, just zap me a PM and I'll do my best to help you out. :D

Good luck!

[hiro]

Name: Hiro Hozuki
Race: Human
Age: 23
Height: 5’11
Weight: 165
Appearance:
Almost never seen with out some type of mask on. Whether or not it is a plain cloth to hide his face or a type of facial Armor. The mask covering from his nose down.
His skin is lightly tanned and has a scar line from his left eyebrow down to the center of his left cheek.
He keeps his padawan ponytail feeling it is a sense of respect for his deceased master and mentor. His hair is medium up front and short with the ponytail on the back.
If angered is eyes turn completely red. (Not because he is possessed or anything, just the veins in his burst from the heat. But it eventually heals back up. With his eyes back to normal.)
His attire varies on the setting, if it is a formal occasion of course he wears his Jedi outfit. During a mission he wears three layers his Jedi outfit under it light blast armor that covers his back, chest, shoulders and thighs. His hood up always up.
If seen without robes it reveals he has many a few scars from battles or duels. And a tattoo on the back of his neck of kenji saying 'Strength and Honor'.

Birth place: A small village in Yavin 4

Faction: Jedi
Rank: Knight- Guardian

Bio:

Childhood

Being born in the troical forest of Yavin 4, the young boy is well adapt to the great and humid heat. He lived with his family of two parents, two older brothers and two little sisters. He was the middle child and youngest son so honestly he didn't really do much for the family, unlike his brothers, free from responbility. It was a small home and a big family, still they managed to stay happy. The family got along with the other people in the village as well. The place was peaceful, nice, and free from battles and wars or so they thought.

A few happy years passes on by quickly the boy was now ten years old. Still free from responsibilities, always fooling around having fun with life as best as a young boy could. Flirting with cute girls, picking fights with kids twice his size and getting beat but always getting back up, get on the families nerves, climb on trees and swing from branch to branch, and he always did everything with a smile. Then on his eleventh birthday bandits and raiders attacked his home. The people of his village, unprepared still tried to fight back, many were slaughtered, including his entire family, or were enslaved. Amidst the fighting the young boy wanted to fight alongside his brothers, but his father told him to pack his things and run away with his mother and sisters. But Instead he stayed only because he wanted to prove himself not protect anyone, for him a grave mistake.

If he had ran away, his mother and sister would of survived but in his stubbornness his entire family was killed before his eyes. It was then he ran off and hid in a stump of a huge tree, feeling strong emotion of love for his family, hate for the bandits, sorrow for his loss, and anger the urge of revenge. A small sense of absolute power. Before he could truly understand this feeling was surrounded by the bandits. At that moment he only felt fear, he thought that his family was really alive and would come to safe him. But as the bandits laughed, the thought that he would die came in mind supremely.

Then a human male who looked to be in his early 40's appeared between the boy and the bandits. A man against a platoon of armed men was impossible. The young boy watched as the man stood tall and strong, stronger than even his own father. The man warns the bandits leave but when they refused the man takes out is lightsaber and defeats them all easily. Amazed by this the boy looked in awe of his savior. The man told the boy his name, Master Rusan'ji. The jedi master and the boy talked for a few moments then gives the boy a choice to become a jedi or return home. With his family killed and no where else to go, the boy had no choice but to do so, but it was of his own free will. After that, he vowed never to show fear again.

The Youngling and Padawan Years

After being saved by Master Rusan'ji. The young boy was taken to a jedi academy enrolled as a youngling. Learning to enhance his skills in the force and have a better control of his emotions. Also being taught how to use a saber, which he was more used to and liked more compared to the long talks and boring meditations. With his admiration of Master Rusan'ji and the man‘s skills with the saber, the young boy wanted to be even greater and worked harder to beat his peers, although being really shy the first moment he met them. Then this sense of innocent rivalry grew among with him and his fellow peers made his time in the academy very enjoyable. After two years of balanced and stable training for becoming a great Jedi. He was of age to trained in new levels of the force. But who was to be his mentor?

One day the boy was sparring a peer for an exercise unknowing that the man he had admiration for was watching closely, impressed with the boy’s skill with the saber. The only thing that worried the master was the lack of control of the emotions the boy had. But the master kept his worries in mind as he was then greeted by his future padawan once more. The young boy greeted the master with a hug before they spoke. After some small talk, Master Rusan'ji offered to mentor the young boy as a padawan since the boy was now of age to do so. With much enthusiasm the boy accepted the offer.

While in training leading up to now the young adult had enough free time. Meaning he skipped many of the book lessons and meditations he had to do when his master was away. Doing things he liked to learn more about by hands on training. Like using the force to help push his limited body movement doing amazing aerobatics. And with much grief that he had for the loss of his family and he had to somehow unleash it some how. So thinking of a somewhat positive way to relief much of his built up anger and stress by fighting people hand to hand in a test of strength men in a fair fight and beast stronger than himself. Or racing superior runners. Until he, himself became much stronger, faster and intuned with the force in body. Also picked up many different martial arts during missions with his master, training with whoever allowed him to do so.

The more he spent time with his master the closer he grew to him. After missions like escorting people from place to place, the young boy found himself sometime having little crushes on the girls and whenever Master Rusan’ji, he often scolded the boy. Or missions to fight off raiders, they counted each person they defeated like a little contest. Master Rusan’ji became like his father figure, many often mistaken them as father and some with the way the act towards one and other. The young boy highly respected his master and the master treated him as though the young boy was his own son. With that being the case, one day the master had a long talk with the padawan about having a better control of his emotions. Curious why they were having this talk the padawan asks his master if anything was wrong. The master responds telling his pupil that he was dying from sickness. The padawan was shocked at the master’s answer but kept his emotions in check and had to only await his master’s death.

Many years pass by the young boy now a young adult of eighteen even has his very own lightsaber, two actually at the Masters advice to do so. Seeing as he was a very aggressive when it came to battle with his saber. It was also curious why the young man chose the color red as a saber. The answer was while many saw it as blood and a sign of violence he saw it as passion and the willingness to fight for what he believed in. With much training in Shii-Cho and branching off to the more aggressive forms such as Ataru. When he felt that was great in those form trained with dual sabers, and with is already great skill in aggressive fighting he became well adapted to the stance. Easily defeating many with his sabers in battle. The young adult now more confident in himself kept to his promise, so far, never showing fear in the face of battle, facing many challenges alongside is mentor. And with the teachings of his mentor, he valued Honor and Compassion for others above all else. And to show compassion and honor to even to those who were unworthy of it. It was their way.

Another five years passed, nothing truly important happens but his missions and training. Becoming stronger and stronger with each passing day. On the day he turned 23, his master surprised him with a formal meeting with the Jedi council. It was a happy day until minutes but before the ritual would commence, his master suffered a heart attack and his last word to his padawan was ’strength and honor’. Meaning to have the strength to overcome anger and evil and be able to show compassion to all. The man asked that his master should have a formal funeral before continuing with the ritual. The council complied and did as the man asked. On the day of burial he was the only one he didn’t shed a tear as much as he wanted to, he didn’t in honor of his mentor’s teachings. When it was time for his ritual to knighthood he again asked if he was allowed to keep his ponytail as a sign of respect to his fallen master. The council complied once more but only if he never let his emotions or feelings of his fallen master get in the way of his judgment. He complied and was made a knight of the order.

Personality

Kind- He is kind and gentle but rowdy and fun-loving at the same time. Is extremely flirtatious without really knowing it, which can sometimes put him in a awkward position with female Jedi.
Respectful- Although being the rowdy person that he is respectful to all. Formality is key for first impressions. Whether it is with the meeting of the council or for a casual first meeting with a stranger through a friend. One can never go wrong with politeness.
Calm- He is calm only when the occasion calls for it. Like being given an order or facing an angry person yelling in his face.

Lightsaber: Standard Phased
Color: Orange

Lightsaber: Standard Phased
Color: Red

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho 5
Ataru 4
Jar-kai or Dual Wield 3


Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 2
Telepathic: None
Body: 7
Sense: 5
Protection: 4
Healing: None
Destruction: None

Specialized Skills: N/A

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 7
Intelligence: 3
Speed: 5
Leadership: 1

Unarmed: 7
Melee Weapons: 1
Ranged Weapons: 1

Force Attunement: +2

RP Sample:

"Hiro! If this battle continues there will be too many losses! Think of life not death! You must retreat now!" Shouted Master Rusan'ji to his padawan pupil while fighting off a few troopers. A thought surged into Hiro's mind, the words of the council before the battle.

"This will be you last chance to prove to us you are worthy of becoming a knight. You have a good heart and you are a great warrior. But you show a lack of discipline, that leads to failure. We have much faith in you, do not prove us wrong."

'I can't fail now. The council put to much faith in me to fail.' Hiro thought before turning around to face his Master. "Master! I can do this! I am not the same child as before hiding in a tree from some bandits. I know I can do this, I am strong enough! I won't let you or the council down!" With that Hiro charges through hearing a faint 'no' from his master. His mind said to stop but his body kept moving, eventually his mind submitted and continued.

--------

The two on one battle with the sith jedi took it's toll on Hiro, both good and bad. A smile on his face appeared when he came victorious from the fight. He felt he could beat anyone even his own master. Thought the fight left him with wounds on his body he ignored the pain and continued against the Sith lord. "I beat your knights. Both of them. Surely I can beat you!" He said, with his logic flawed. The sith lord laughed amusingly at Hiro as if he were merely a toy waiting to break.

"You take me as a fool boy. I, a sith lord, be defeated by stupid little padawan like you with your two little lightsabers? How foolish youth can be!" The sith lord said with a wicked smile. "But if death is what you wish for than I shall grant it for you!" The sith lord takes out his saber and getting into a Juyo stance. Waiting for the foolish padawan to make his move.

[Kella]

Moved to Incomplete Profiles due to more than a month as a WIP, and user inactivity. Can be restored at any time upon request.