Abog Chjac (Finished!)

[Abog Chjac]

Full Name:Abog Chjac

Species:Human

Gender:Male

Age:16

Homeworld:Felucia

BirthPlace: On a ship

Faction:Jedi

Rank:Padawan

Appearance: 5ft 11inch, Brown hair, brown eyes, and a musclar body. He has several scares on his back and on his chest. Some of them are in symbols while others are just from animals.

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 1
Telepathic: 1
Body: 4
Sense: 5
Protection: 2
Healing: 1
Destruction: 1

Attributes:
Physical Strength: 5
Intelligence: 6
Speed: 5
Leadership: 1

Unarmed: 3
Melee Weapons: 3
Ranged Weapons: 4


Alignment: 3

Lightsaber: Training saber



Color: Green

Practiced Lightsaber forms:
Shii-Cho-5
Makashi N/A
Soresu N/A
Ataru-2
Shien / Djem So N/A
>>Sub-form Backhanded
Niman - N/A
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield
Juyo N/A
Double Bladed Combat-N/A
Animal-(had this idea for a long time for him to have a style where he would go on his arms and legs, like an animal, and would attack with his saber either in his hands, toes, or mouth.)-5

History: Abog was born. Of course that's not the whole story. He was born on a ship that was headed towards Charuba, carrying several important people such as merchants, Jedi, and a couple Senators. He barely knew his father, who was a jedi. Or his mother, who was a Doctor. He had found out who they were through ship records that was kept in a computer in the jedi library. And that they died from the ship crashing on a uninhabited planet (not Felucia) after hours of it being chased in outer space by pirates. When the ship was almost capture, they sent two escape pods out. One for his twin brother, the other for himself. These pirates were famous for leaving no survivors. They destroyed the ship by blowing up one of the engines. The ship crash landed on a moon. His pod landed on Felucia inhabited by the Felucians, native humanoids of the planet.
Before they could raise him they brought him to their cheif. The cheif looked at the strange child. Baby Abog looked at the primitive sword that was attached to a belt around the aliens waist. Abog held his hands out and the weapon floated towards him. The cheif was stunned by this, he was amazed that the baby could do this. They raised him well and taught him how to use nature and survive in the jungle. He was immune to many rare diseases that would kill a normal man, sense he would often get them on the planet and would survive miraculously. He spent years learning from the tribe. He was accepted as one of them, even though he did not look like them. He trained in their fighting styles (..........i don't know what they were the sight didn't give me any good information...MOVING ON).When he was 10, he wondered away from his tribe. He suddenly saw a bright light crash down onto the land. When he arrived at where the crash was he saw that giant ship. He thought it was a monster but didn't fear. He thought it was dead from the fire. When he approached the ship three survivors came out. The Captain (Captain Fargos), his first mate (Chilou), and a gunsman (Brutus). When he first came up to them they were shocked. They thought he was abandoned here. Abog just looked at them and took out his wooden sword. The warriors in the tribe thought that he wasnt fully ready to use a realy weapon. After having wrecked the tribes weapons hut, they didn't allow him to use any weapons. He ran at them but the Captain grabed his wrist and took the wooden sword away. Abog was in a fury, he yelled and screamed and kicked as he was being held back by Brutus. He was to far from his tribe for them to hear his screaming. The captain sighed and decided to unload some of the weapons, incase they find anything that can harm them. That's when Abog saw the captains sword. The Captain was a former gaurd for the senate. He was relieved of duty after years of service. He had decided to become a merchant, after his weapons expertise and his smooth talking. He had bought a ship and named it "Shadow Walker" after his nickname for being stealthy.
Brutus, after cleaning a empty cage which the former inhabitant was sold to one of the Huts, had caged Abog in their. Yet Abog kept his eye on the sword. Fascinated by it's shine. The Captain realized that the boy was staring at his sword when he took it out to sharpen it. He was sitting on one of the boxes as he was sharpenig. Abog grabed the bars of the cage and pushed against them. He let go of the bar and held his hand out towards the sword. "What you want this?" Fargos said walking up to the cage and kneeling down towards it. "Take it." He said holding the blade so the handle was facing Abog. Fargos wasn't intended on giving him the blade, he was just going to mess with him. But Abog grabed the handle quickly and pulled, forcing Captain Fargos to hit the top of the cage with his forehead. "Maybe he should keep the blade." Chilou suggested

"No, Chilou, this blade has been with me sense my days as a gaurd, I will not give it up to some barbaric child." The Captain replied. Abog lifted the blade up, staring at it's shine. "I guess he likes weapons......" She said, getting off a box she was sitting on. "Fine" Fargos said, going to the box he had left and sat on. Abog waved the blade in the air and jumped in the small cage. Night came and the tribe began to look for Abog. Brutus and the Captain were asleep while Chilou kept watch for anything that would kill them. She then sat down on a crate that was infront of Abog and watched him. He was curled up, still holding the blade, asleep. Chilou smiled at him. He looked so innocent, as if he wasn't a barbaric child. She walked up to the cage and unlocked it. Abog quickly woke up and stumbled to the back of the cage. Chilou crouched infront of the cage and held her hand out, thinking that he would be friendly if she showed kindness. Abog looked at her hand, moved foreward a bit, and just sniffed it. She sighed and decided to give him something. She took out a small ration bar from her pocket and handed it to him. He looked at the bar and went closer and closer to her hand. He sniffed at it then took it from her quickly, backing back into the cage. Chilou just smiled at him and left the cage open. She watched him as he slowly left the cage. He quickly ran towards where he thought his village was.

But something stoped him, a strange emotion. He stoped suddenly, as if a wall had been placed infront of him. He looked back and saw Chilou, crying. To be honest she use to be an actor....but found a bigger calling. Abog began to feel guilty. As if it was his fault. But for what he didn't know. He went back to the camp and layed on Chilou's lap as if he was a pet.

After a two days, he had mimiced everything they had were doing in his cage. Intell he started to mimic the way they talked. He could understand some of them through their tone. He would ask what some words mean, still having his scratchy voice, and Chilou would do what he asks. She started to teach him both the Twi' lek and the human language. The Captain thought it was a waste of time, intell Abog told him to shut up. Which even scared Brutus, who had been in the millitary for years as a soldier. When his tribe found him he was still in the cage. They were about to attack the humans when Abog broke through the cage by pushing against it with his force. It broke and he went between the humans and his tribe, facing towards them. He told them they didn't harm him. That they had been teaching him there ways. The tribe didn't want the foreigners to stay. They wanted them to leave.

Abog told them, "If you kill them, if you even touch them. I will use my magic to destroy you." He was lieing of course. The tribe, out of fear, backed away from them. When they had left Abog began to cry. He had never yelled at his tribe, his family. Chilou went over and hugged Abog.

Two months passed and Abog had helped the foreigners with the land. He had become good friends with Brutus, the gunsman. Brutus showed Abog how to use a rifle and brought Abog to hunt with him. It was a tragedy, they had encountered a Rancor. Now during the two months the chief of the tribe has been tolerable of the foreigners. They left the tribe alone and he left the foreigners alone. The tribe still allowed Abog to stay in the tribe. But usually Abog would stay with the foreigners, feeling like one of them. The tribe greatly respected the Rancor. Brutus fired at the Rancor but no luck. The rancor grabed brutus and broke his spine in half. Abog just watched in horror. But then the horror turned into rage. He ran towards the rancor, jumped into it's mouth and started to cut through the insides. He bursted through the stomach and killed the Rancor. (This was with the Captain's blade) After realizing what he had done he left Rancor body and went back to camp. After a long explaination, Chilou weeped for Brutus as The Captain stood their, hiding his eyes with his hat. Only a day later the tribe had found the Rancor's body next to Brutus's. They headed towards the camp grounds of the foreigners.

Abog told them to run, he could hear the tribe approaching, and they sounded angry. They ran through the forest, hoping to escape. They stoped to a rocky wall and saw that they were traped. With no where to go Abog, Chilou, and Captain Fargos made there stand. Just then, a ship had arrived. It was a explorer ship, sent out to research every secret about Felucia. The tribe, who were approaching ever so close, had seen the giant metal ship, thinking that it was a monster. The ship landed and the group of survivors went in the ship. But Abog stood there infront of the ramp of the ship, thinking of what he was about to leave. He couldn't stay, he had brought shame upon himself. He breathed in and went on the ship.
He spent six years in space and on other planets. He had joined
Captain Fargos's crew as their new gunsman. He stayed on the "Shadow Walker II" and soon was starting to be like family to Chilou and the Captain. In the six years he had been from trading post to trading post. Planet to Planet. Trading with other people and learning new languages.

He had encountered a padawan during his years as a crew member. It was mainly for escort and he wanted to know everything about these Jedi's. He had heard a few things but he wanted to hear it from a Jedi. Any type of jedi even a padawan. She had told him everything she knew about the jedi. She even showed him her lightsaber. He stared at it and had wanted to become a jedi. During the escort he asked if she could teach him some moves. He didn't know anybody who knew how to use the blade. The Padawan smiled with excitment, she had never taught anybody anything. She realy just followed and learned everything her master did. So she taught him some of the basics of using a lightsaber (well sword or blade realy...he didn't use a actual lightsaber) After the escourt he asked where the Jedi Temple was. She told him that it was in Coruscant. Funny thing was, he had been to Coruscant and never had seen the temple.

What shocked him during the space travel, mainly after the sixth year, was what he saw on one of the trading stations. A halogram poster of Goba. The deferances between them was that Goba had three scars down his right eye. Goba had been wanted for the assassination of a senator, the sabotage of several millitary ships, and the murder of seven Jedis (the poster wouldn't specifiy the ranks of the Jedi). He swore that he would find his brother. He didn't believe that he had done such things. He could tell that Goba was his brother. First with the backwards name and then the fact that he practicly looks like him. Minus the three scars. He left his mother figure Chilou and his father figure Fargos to start his training on Coruscant.

Personality:Ounce you get to know Abog you'll love him. He is friendly and kind to alot of people, even his enemies. He has a problem with talking in the the human language and at times would talk in his tribe's language but he is an interesting person.

Relationships:
Captain Fargos: Father figure to Abog. Had helped him out and fought with him through thick and thin. Captain of the Cargo ship "Shadow Walker"
Goba Chjac: Abog's missing brother Who walks down the path of the dark side. But Abog doesn't know it
First Mate Chilou: the Twi'lek first mate of the cargo ship "Shadow Walker". Mother figure to Abog

Password: Vornskr
(i have no idea what this means i just saw it on a profile.....)

RP sample: "You will never defeat me, Goba." A man yelled. He wore jedi robes and had a green saber, holding the lightsaber towards Goba. Goba just laughed as his blackened cloak flowed with the wind. His grey skin made him look evil. "Foolish, Abog. You still think you can defeat me. After Thirty years you think you can defeat me." He turned his double bladed lightsaber on and went in his fighting stance. "No Goba. You will be defeated. And this time, I will show no mercy upon you." Abog said, his beared flowing with the hot vapors. They stood on the path of a Mustafar mining station.

Goba charged at him. Abog charged as well. As soon as their sabers hit each other saber. Abog slashed at Goba's chest but Goba blocked it, turned around, and slashed horizontally at his stomach. Abog blocked and used the force to push him away. He went on his hands and knees, puting the saber in his mouth. It was a small one so it was easy to do some. He charged at him and droping the saber in his hand while he and slashing verticly. As he was attacking, Goba stabed towards Abog's chest.

Abog woke up. He breathed heavily as he looked around his room, the schmatics of ships glowed on the wall. "Just a dream?" Abog said, crosing his legs and holding his head. "But it felt so real." He looked out in outerspace. "Shadow Walker II" Was about to land on Corruscant.

[Mara]

Welcome to our forum.

Please note that this takes place in the Old Republic, 3602 BBY; check out our Story Thread in Announcements for more details.

I suggest you read through the Jedi notes then edit your profile accordingly.
Also, make sure you are using the template found on this site, not just copy/pasting. I think you are missing a category or two.

[Rugs]

Hello there, welcome to SWU.

Alright, in addition to what Mara has already said, I would advise taking a look at accepted profiles to get a feel for what a character of this age should have. I can already tell you that many of your stats are going to have to be lowered considerably, and all of the tens will have to be dropped. Also, you should probably give him some points in lightsaber forms, since he is a Jedi after all And here, melee weapons =/= lightsabers, if that's why his melee stat is so high.

That's my little tidbit for the time being.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to jump into the cbox and ask. We're generally a pretty nice bunch.

[Abog Chjac]

Okay thank you for explaining but one of you didn't ask if I knew any of the jedi styles.............okay I'll go ahead and change th profile. Oh and nice avatar where it the guy goes nuts over swiming (doesn't watch Deathnote that much)

[Charlie Sharper]

Also, a +10 in force alignment is pretty high, you might want to bump that down a little

[Abog Chjac]

okay i edited it

[Mara]

I refer you again to the Jedi template. There is at least one thing you missed: Birthplace.

[Abog Chjac]

...........that i will need a map.......cause I forgot the name of that planet.....





okay i got it.

[Val - Warning:Contains Sarcasm]

Hey, am here having a look through your bio

At first one would look at Abog and think he is a normal human being. Wrong, he is not one of the normal human species. His mind has been warped and he would see things. His tan skin makes him look as if he belonged on a beach. He doesn't care if his hair is neat or if he takes a bath. After years of being in jungles, he has no sense of smell.

Try to stick to just physical appearances in this. Hair colour, eye colour, height, body type, skin tone, any distinguishing features like scars. The warped mind and lack of sense of smell could probably be brought up under personality (with reasons why he has both of them and how the affect him) or just in the bio.

Physical Strength: 7

I think a 15 year old wouldn't be able to reach this realistically, not until he was a little older, as that strength is probably stronger than most adults. Although he may be potentially at that stage, or you think his lifestyle may reflect that, unless he's constantly fighting 8 foot tall animals you might wanna drop it to a 6.

Unarmed: 5
Melee Weapons: 8
Ranged Weapons: 5

These stats seem incredibly high for a 15 year old who I can gather was from the jungle. i'll probably refer to these when I look over your bio, but I can't imagine why he'd be so good at melee and why his ranged and unarmed combat would both be average in a jungle.

6 to for alignment

This needs the formatting changed to:
Alignment: +6
Though a 6 is rather high and higher than some Jedi Knights and masters, so this child must be either really sheltered, or he'll probably need this decking down 2 or 3 points unless you intend to play him as a saint.

Practiced Lightsaber forms:
Shii-Cho-3


Had made a style of his own that involves using a blaster, his fists, and his lightsaber.

You'll need to put the rest of the saber styles down even if they're just 0s or N/A. Also that style he made sounds a lot like Niman though I might be wrong.

Bio

OK just an overall thing, is this could benefit from a general read-over just to catch spelling and grammatical errors that might be present, though perfect English isn't compulsory.

When the ship was almost capture, they sent two escape pods out. One for his twin brother, the other for himself.

Was this in space, and at what point? The way the bio came across was that this was after the ship had crash landed, which seems rather pointless to have the pots jettisoned. Also why were his parents not in the pods too?

His pod landed on a jungle planet inhabited by tribes of aliens (I have no idea what the species is but oh well).

You'll want to just start clarifying things instead of just saying "jungle planet", etc. Felucia, probably, and the aliens would be the Felucians.

starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Felucia
starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Felucian

They raised him well and taught him how to use nature and survive in the jungle.

I'm not sure whether the Felucians would have just taken him in so readily, especially without consulting their Chieftains and feeling the Force power from him.

He was immune to many rare diseases that would kill a normal man.

Why? Basically, why was he able to survive?

When he was 10 he had heard a cargo ship crash. He went towards where it crashed and had found only three survivors.

You jumped to 10 very, very quickly and I'd like to see more about his childhood. As a Force sensitive he would have had a massive influence on the natives and that planet, or at least the environment around him. He would also have assumedly learnt things from the natives, such as survival, and done at least a few cultural things with them. Rain dances maybe?

When he first came up to them they were shocked. They thought he was abandoned here. But Abog told them that he lived there and offered to help. The survivors set up a radio transmission and waited for rescue.

How was he suddenly able to speak and understand Galactic Basic after living with an isolated alien race for his entire life?

Two years passed and the gunsman died. But during the two years the gunsman taught Abog how to use a rifle, how to fix a rifle, and everything their was to be an engineer.

OK again you skipped the whole being rescued, being accepted aboard a ship without any sort of interactions with the crew properly, no leaving his home planet behind. Also learning about a gun to that degree would take several weeks, but the engineer thing would take more than 2 years unless it was exclusively engineering work all day.

The Gunsman had died from a Rancor attack.

That was random. Where? Why? How? How did Abog feel? What happened to the Rancor?

Ounce the two years had passed a ship had found them.

OK you didn't mention that they were still on the planet so you'll want to make this clear. Also, you'll need to further talk about how the group adapted to the new life.

He spent 3 years learning how ships worked, how laser rifles worked, and how to build his own lightsaber.

OK it kind of doesn't make sense that he'd go from 12 years on a planet without any people to suddenly living around other people and looking at ship blueprints and... building a lightsaber? He's not had any Force training from what I'm aware previously, so having this here is almost definitely going to be a no at the moment.

The old one had been broken.

What other one? Where did it come from? How did it break?

He decided that he would leave his friends and go to the planet where he heard he could be trained by a the jedi. He had hoped to find a his master. And hoped he would find his brother who, through the records and pictures of wanted signs in the station, he wanted to find.

Why was his brother wanted? How did he know it was his brother? And you do know the Jedi won't accept someone who's 15 years old and looking to join their ranks, yeah?

First Mate Chilou: the Twi'lek first mate of the cargo ship "Shadow Walker". Mother figure to Abog

None of this was mentioned in the bio.

Overall:

The bio needs lengthening and expanding on, and overall just tending to to get it up to scratch and detailed. It is kind of short - the roleplay sample probably needs to longer as well. Your stats don't seem to match up with your bio so one or the other needs to change. Also your character won't be trained by the Jedi if he first approaches them at 15 - unless some rule is there that I'm not aware of. He's shown no Force ability up to now, and the 3 in Shii-cho is also unjustified because no one has taught him it.

It has potential, so you just really gotta plug in at it and get it ready for a second look over

[Abog Chjac]

okay let me see. You didn't ask if I was a complete Star Wars fan. I didn't see any of the styles, I understand that some of it isn't lengthy enough (tryed to speed things up......Science homework is a drag), the lightsaber building i deleted a section and forgot all about that part , Also pointing out that their was three survivors (not two) The First mate, the Captain and The Gunsman. First mate was mentioned. Oh And the felucia thing I had to bring that up on a becuase somebody said I was suppose to put a bloody birthplace so I thought of the only place that I knew that was jungle was Felucia. Okay if I didn't mention that they were still on the planet and said a ship arrived and picked them up off the planet wouldn't that be more self explanitory then going on in a five paragraph description on what they did. Isn't the Bio suppose to summarize his life so far.........well looks like i got something to do after school.......oh and don't put smiley faces on a long.....long.....long description showing how a person on what they did wrong. It makes the person more angry then they should be. I'm already haveing a bloody bad day with people going at me and picking at me intell I'm an emotionless shell of a person.......please I know your doing your "job" but when putting smiley faces on a long list of corrections, this makes the writer feel so.....so stupid. No offense to you and it's not your fault that you made the long long list. I just wanted to go ahead and role play on a site that is based on my favorite movie (not a total fan to the point where I would dress up in a jabba the hut custume and go to a covention). Thank you for the list of errors that I have done. Oh and some of your mods need to warn people about locking threads.......I was posting on one (and thought that the profile was excepted) and after finnalying finishing it I find out that I can't post on it. And it was a long bloody post. It's like doing a long list of chores and having someone say that you did them wrong (wait I'm still on the list subject.......what the hell?). Thank you for the list, please no smiley on error page unless it's a realy realy good compliment. Another thing is that this profile is from another sight as I said in the bottom of the profile. Have a good day.

[Ashi]

No offense man, if you want to RP here you've got to conform to our standards. They're not particularly intensive or overly demanding (this coming from someone who's spent a long time on RP boards). The average time most of our members spend making one of these chars is two or three days. During this time they're researching, thinking about whether elements of their profiles are meeting the limitations, and adjusting stuff to fit. It's not a simple "hey, I'm going to spend ten minutes and be done" thing.

We post links to the wiki like crazy to get people to think about things, particularly different elements and concepts that they're not familiar with. If you don't know how to do something, or you don't know jack about something, ask us. That's what we're here for. We'll give you links to the information and we're more than happy (in most circumstances) to even explain the whole concept to you. Whether you're a star wars nerd or not, this role-play board is in the star wars universe. To that end, you need to make stuff fit into the universe. With the resources available, it's a simple matter of expending the effort to learn a bit of lore. Val even gave you a link to a large amount of information specific to the problem he presented about you not being grounded in SW lore.

The ball is your court now. You can adjust the bio to incorporate elements previously discussed, or you can not get a character in. It's that simple. You can retry as many times as you like, but you really need to understand some of the lore before you're going to get anywhere.

If you have questions, ask us in the Cbox or PM someone with a colored name (or even myself, I'm more than happy to help). By the way, I got my member title by telling it like it is, with no concern for feelings or emotions. It's not like this world is a kind, feeling place, and I'm not a particularly kind or feeling person. I'm blunt, honest, and have no need or use for going out of my way to assuage those emotions.

[Abog Chjac]

I am very sorry for the way I acted to you. It was rude of me and it won't happen again. I just get over dramatic about something that I worked on that seemed long to me had to be corrected for that many errors. It was foolish for me to be rude and I hope you accept my apology. I am sorry.

[Kella]

You're quite forgiven. ;D

And if you still intend to complete your character, you're more than welcome to do so. Toss up a post when it's ready for review, and I'll give it a good looking-over.

Don't let this sully your stay here at SWU. X) We've all felt the same frustration, so you're definitely not alone. Though, you will have to put up with a good deal of randomness... we're a wild bunch. Ah, but ce la vie.

[Abog Chjac]

Thanks atleast someone forgives me.....and believe me I've been with random and wild bunches.


Okay I'm ready for a review of the bio....hopefully i don't get stumped if I have to add on the history part ^_^

[Arc <3 (who is a girl)]

Hey there! I'm going to go ahead and review your bio. I'm not a mod though, so don't sue me.


The first thing that caught my eye was the alignment. I wouldn't think a 16 year old Padawan who was raised on a jungle planet would have a +6 alignment. Lower this to a 2 or a 3 and you should be good to go. Mostly only Jedi Masters have an alignment that high (maybe someone like Obi-Wan Kenobi). And I doubt your character is that attuned to the Force.

Then, I noticed that your character wasn't born on Felucia. He was born on a ship that later went to Felucia. Change this and you should be good.

Also, I noticed that your Shii-Cho stat is a 1, and so is your Juyo stat. Normally a Padawan would master Shii-Cho before going on to study any other lightsaber forms. Why? Because Shii-Cho is the most basic lightsaber form, and all other forms stem from Shii-Cho. I believe it would be suitable to raise your Shii-Cho stat to a 3 or 4 (check with a moderator, though, because I'm not sure which would be best for a Padawan of your character's age). Also, be sure to thoroughly explain why your character has been practicing Juyo and how much they've been practicing it. Juyo can be a difficult lightsaber form to learn. For more info, click here. starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Juyo and here. starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Lightsaber_forms


On to the history:

Immediately I noticed that you've added a lot of annotations to your bio. In other words, you've put a lot of your own thoughts in parenthesis. Get rid of these. They aren't necessary. Just explain to us what happened as best as you can and tell us your thoughts in a separate post. Cleaning up the clutter will help mods review your bio a bit easier (or so I believe).

His pod landed on Felucia inhabited by tribes of aliens (I have no idea what the species is but oh well).

This link should help you out: starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Felucians

They destroyed the ship by blowing it up (can't realy go into extreme detail on how. I mean you can just figure that they blasted the thing to kingdom come. Or I should have just typed that.

\

Saying that they blasted a hole in the ship or some such thing should do nicely. You don't have to go into extreme detail.

Abog held his hands out and the weapon floated towards him.

Normally Force-sensitive human children don't exhibit strange powers. They may have heightened reflexes, but they wouldn't use telekinesis at such an early age. Besides, your stat for Telekinetic abilities is listed as a 1. Unless your character had a real knack for telekinesis, I doubt he would exhibit such strange behavior as a child. Just a minor suggestion.

Also, I want to know more about Abog's training as a Jedi. You say he went off to train at Coruscant, but you don't specify what his training was like or who trained him. I want to know how he learned the lightsaber form Juyo. Why was he taught that form instead of the more basic lightsaber forms? Who was his Master? Did he have many friends at the temple? Details, details, details.

Other than that I don't see many mistakes. I'm sure the mods will accept you soon, and good luck.

[Abog Chjac]

thanks so much....i needed someone to review the bio.

[Kella]

Quick, Random note on Juyo:

A character may not pay any points to Juyo unless they have mastered three other forms. However, Ataru is very similar to Juyo in relation to the focus on physical ability and acrobatics. If you want a Juyo-like form, go ahead and go with Ataru.

However, a 16-year-old character would have any points in anything other than Shii-Cho. One who plans to be a Consular would have a 3, and one who plans to be be a Guardian would have a 4.

And that is all I shall say now, for I shall return at a later date when I have more time! X)

[Abog Chjac]

Okay, I changed it but I put 5 in Shii-Cho......is it bad?

[Kella]

Okie-day! Here it is. X) There were a few issues that kind of got tangled with other issues, so I tried to only mention the issues at the bottom of it all, just to make revisions easier. And yes, I do smile a lot when I review, because I'm a happy person and I like my job. And yes, I can be mildly sarcastic. xD It's all part of the process... Anyway, no further ado!

~~~

Appearance: What does he usually wear?


--"Animal-(had this idea for a long time for him to have a style where he would go on his arms and legs, like an animal, and would attack with his saber either in his hands, toes, or mouth.)-5"
It's an interesting idea, for sure... but very impractical. Humans are bipedal animals, and so they move best when they're on two legs. Due to the fact that a human's back legs are much longer than the front limbs, any sort of walking around on four legs becomes very awkward. (Do not let Tarzan decieve you!) Adding a lightsaber into that mix is just asking to lose a limb. X) You'd have to weave some of these techniques into how he fights with his other forms, but as a self-standing form, it just wouldn't work. :/

Bio:

--"He barely knew his father, who was a jedi. Or his mother, who was a Doctor."
The Jedi are very strict in this time period, and aren't allowed to marry. Those who have romances usually leave the Order, or are kicked out. X)

--"When the ship was almost capture, they sent two escape pods out. One for his twin brother, the other for himself."
There are a couple reasons why this wouldn't quite work... first of all, putting a young child in an escape pod above an uninhabited planet wouldn't be smart -- how would they survive when the pod landed? Secondly, one would probably be able to fit two to three small children per pod, though they wouldn't be adequately protected due to the design of the pod. Lastly, why send two children, with so many important people on board? Why not save a senator who has a chance of survival? And lastly, a ship of that size, with that many people of importance, would have more than two escape pods. X)

--"The ship crash landed on a moon. His pod landed on Felucia inhabited by the Felucians..."
You say that his parents crashed on an uninhabited planet, but then you say the ship crashed on a moon above Felucia. Are you referring to the same thing?

Important Question to answer: Why was the ship even near Felucia?

--"Before they could raise him they brought him to their cheif."
How'd he get out of the escape pod?

--"Abog held his hands out and the weapon floated towards him. "
The Force does not manifest itself so clearly in toddlers. I almost never use Anakin as an example, but he had the highest midichlorian count pretty much anyone had ever seen, and all he had was really fast reflexes. The only way a non-force-sensitive would be able to see a difference in the child would be slightly different behavioral patterns, and nothing more.

--"He was immune to many rare diseases that would kill a normal man, sense he would often get them on the planet and would survive miraculously."
That doesn't really justify his immunity at all... X) How did he survive miraculously?

--"When he was 10..."
A youngling will not be accepted into the Jedi temple after their sixth birthday. The exceptions are extremely rare. So, we have a bit of a problem time-wise here...

--"They were about to attack the humans when Abog broke through the cage by pushing against it with his force."
Firstly, why didn't he do that when they first put him in the cage? xD And also, as previously mentioned, he'd never be able to do anything like this without training.

--"He ran towards the rancor, jumped into it's mouth and started to cut through the insides. He bursted through the stomach and killed the Rancor."
How'd he get past the gnashing teeth without getting chomped? xD And Rancor hide is much to tough to be cut with a simple blade -- outside-in or inside-out. Not to mention, soon as he got to the stomach, the process of digestion would begin... X)

--"After having wrecked the tribes weapons hut, they didn't allow him to use any weapons."
How'd he do that? On another note, I don't think Felucians use swords...

--"He had encountered a padawan during his years as a crew member."
Her master would definitely be with her, and it's very unlikely that he'd allow her to teach Force techniques to Abog.

Overall Comments:
Because of all the rituals and very specific things associated with being a Jedi, putting together a Jedi bio does require a bit of work and research. I see that you've done some -- for example, you did look up the Felucians -- but a coherent Jedi bio takes a bit more than that. X) The biggest issue with Abog's history is the fact that after the sixth birthday, younglings are not accepted into the order. This is because the Jedi believe that they are too heavily influenced by their past to be able to uphold the Jedi code. A 'you can't fill what's already full' sort of mentality. Even if he'd only spent a few years with the Felucians, they wouldn't have accepted him, since that would make such an impression on him.
Most Jedi younglings are discovered in one of two ways: A routine medical test reveals a high midi-chlorian count, or a Jedi master senses the Force within the child. Exceptions to this are very rare, and I suggest sticking to the general form. Because this time in Felucia is such a big part of his history, I don't want to comment on much more, since it's going to be changing quite a bit...

However, you do have another option. It is possible that instead of having a Jedi escort, the escort was a grey Jedi. These Jedi are basically good, but have left the order for various reasons. Such a Jedi would train Aboq. Though, note that he'd be very behind stat-wise, since he would have only been training for a few months. If you want to go ahead and do this, you'll have to re-post him in the Fringe section, under the Grey Jedi app. Make sure you read through all of Tal's notes, though, they're a bit different from the Jedi ones.

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--"Password: Vornskr
(i have no idea what this means i just saw it on a profile.....)"
It's only for Fringe profiles. If you look in the Jedi application, there's no mention of it.

~~~

There may be a long way to go, but there is light at the end of the tunnel! If you're willing to stick with it, I think you'll end up with a very fine Padawan. Once you've incorporated the above, go ahead and post, and I'll look through it again, and tackle the stats.

Until then!
~ Kella

[Kella]

If you would like to keep working on this, please post and let me know. Otherwise, I'll move it to Incomplete Profiles within about a week. It will be restored anytime upon request.