Gondan Troopling

[derse]

Name:Gondan Troopling
Race:Human
Age:28
Height:6'2ft
Weight:150lbs
Appearance:Pencil thin beard with cropped hair an eye patch a large tatoo that reads "death to the sith" on his back and a standard linen jedi outfit thats tatered
Birth place:a small vilage on Tatooine

Faction: Jedi
Rank:Knight



Bio: Young Gondon’s child hood was tough. He was born with the force but at the early age of six his parents were walking him to the market on there normal route when two men in black masks with glowing red sabers decended from a large biulding. One threw out his hand and Gondan’s parents flew into a big wall, one swung his saber and slashed Gondans eye,Gondan then surendered and the two sith's took him to the main sith ship "Judjment" to be trained in the dark arts.
One day while his sith master wasn't looking he attempted to escape, but his master cought him and gave him a nice little electrick shock. This hapened alot for young Gondan really wanted to escape, but one day he got lucky and took an escape pod. He landed on the planet Coriscont and there he found a jedi master that would take him under his wing.
Yong Gondan trained long and hard he trained in multiple styles of th force:force sprint,force push, force pull and force choke.He also trained in two diferent saber styles:shii-cho and sub form backhand , every day was a chalange for him he completed brutal missions,he was scared ,burned ,shot, tatooed and his clothes were tatered and his eyes were blood shot and soon he was facing his first sith.
His saber iluminated the darkness of the room and his scars driped blood. He knifed his foot into the sith's chest and sent him hurdleing backwards, he lashed at his oponent but the sith was quick and counter attacked with a blast of force, Gondan sored through the air and landed on his back he quickly regained his balance and tried to blast the sith with his blaster pistol. The sith deflected his lasers and tried to spear him with his saber but the oposite hapened and Gondan speared him with his but sudenly another sith apeared and knocked Gondan's saber out of his hand Gondan then said"Thats all you can do? Well take this!"Gondan threw out his hand and used the force to strangle him "Gaa!"Said the sith as he strugled"Its no use." said Gondan calmly "You can't break free of the force."Soon Gondans oponent fell limp and Gondan returned to his own cruiser.

Lightsaber:double blade
Color:green



Practiced Lightsaber forms:
>>sub-form backhand5 and shii-cho7






Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:


Telekinetic:7
Telepathic:4
Body:8
Sense:6
Protection:4
Healing:4
Destruction:5

Specialized Skills:Force sprint, force push, force pull and force choke.

Attribiutes

Physical Strength:6
Intelligence:5
Speed:5
leadership:6

Unarmed:4
Melee Weapons:5
Ranged Weapons:7

Force Attunement: ##
+6

RP Sample:
”Gondan report to my quorters a-sap!”Gondan sighed as he passed through a door.”Couldn’t you just give my mission to me over the loudspeaker master?”He said under his breath. Soon he arrived at his master’s quorters for his briefing”Ok Gondan I have a very important mission for you to complete.You must go into the sith cruiser “judgement” and plant a detonator on their power core.””consider it done sir.” said Gondan as he raced to his fighter.
Gondan flew like crack lightning to the sith cruiser. He made a swift landing in the ships bay and sprang from his fighter to face the enemies that stood before him. With one swift move he deheaded all of them, he then raced to the power core set the bomb and ran back to his fighter. He took off and returned safely to the the bay of his own ship.”I see you were sucsessful my student!””All in a days work master!”

[derse]

i think my post is awsome!!!

[Deleted]

Height:6.2ft

Should be 6'2"

Appearance:Pencil thin beard with cropped hair and an eye patch.

He has no other significant details? Scars,Tattoos... Cloths?

Birth place:Cloud City on Bespin

Cloud City wasn't built until 400 BBY and it's 3000 BBY (it's counting down not up)

Bio: Young Gondon’s child hood was tough. He was born with the force but at the early age of six his parents were walking him to the market on there normal route when two men in black masks and glowing red sabers decended from a large biulding. One threw out his hand and Gondan’s parents flew into a big wall, one swung his saber and slashed Gondans eye, but gondan was strong and used his lightning fast speed to escape. Soon he had found a jedi master that would train him in the ways of the force. Soon he mastered his skills, but to this day he still seeks revenge on every sith in the galaxy.

I can Assure you this isn't long enough for a 28 year old Jedi. Start at his birth and break his life into five year segments. I would say five to six Paragraphs per five years, and the mods won't accept Vauge details like "He mastered his skills." You need to go into detail about his training.

Practiced Lightsaber forms:
>>sub-form backhand and shii-cho

You need numbers next to the forms to show his skill in them. Same as the Attributes. 1,2,3,ect,ect

Telekinetic:10
Telepathic:4
Body:8
Sense:10
Protection:4
Healing:10
Destruction:5]

Tens are incredibly high levels of skill, With those two tens your pretty much a god. Long story short the mods aren't going to let you have them. The 8 is probably a little too high as well. Jedi masters who have trained for decades don't usually have tens. Just so you have a refrence.

Specialized Skills:Force sprint, force push, force pull and force choke.

You don't mention anywhere in your bio where he was trained in any of these skills.

Physical Strength:6
Intelligence:8
Speed:9
Leadership:9

Unarmed:4
Melee Weapons:8
Ranged Weapons:8

again those 8s and 9s are no goes. You don't talk about him training in Firearms,Melee weapons or anything like that in your bio and I get the feeling the mods wouldn't accept it for a Jedi as young as 28 anyway

and I will leave your RP sample to someone else to look over. I don't see any real problem with it other then some misspellings and it's choppy. Remember though everything is refered to in past tense. Helps keep things organized.

Edit: Also you need to read the character notes. Mods won't read this until you do.

[Jenno]

Also, Mandalorian isn't a race, it's a religion/way of life, Mandalorians are built from many races, human, rodian, twi'lek, etc. Also, the beliefs of the Mandalorian and Jedi are pretty much opposite so it'll come down to a choice between one or the other.

~Alpha

[Twysper]

Hello Derse, welcome to SWU! ;D

I ish Twysper, and I'll be reviewing your bio today.

Note, I'm not a mod, just a jedi obsessed member, so you're completely free to ignore this post.

So here we go. x)



Appearance-

Alright, we're going to need a little more here. For example, what's his skin color? What do his eyes look like? What's his hair and beard color? Where's his tattoo at? Where'd he get the tattoo at, and why? Why are his jedi robes currently tattered? Does he just like tattered clothes, has he neglected to change in a while? Remember, you're trying to write what he usually looks like here.

Bio-

Young Gondon’s child hood was tough. He was born with the force but at the early age of six his parents were walking him to the market on there normal route when two men in black masks and glowing red sabers decended from a large biulding. One threw out his hand and Gondan’s parents flew into a big wall, one swung his saber and slashed Gondans eye,Gondan then surendered and the two sith's took him to the main sith ship "Judjment" to be trained in the dark arts.

Alright, you just skipped a whole chunk of his life. From birth to age six, what was Gondon like?

Furthermore, Gondon was six, surrendering is an interesting word choice here, and usually implies that the one asking for the surrender is either extremely polite and formal, or is liable to sustain some form of injury if the defender opts to fight. I'd recommend changing this to something realistically more like, "-Gondon broke down crying at seeing his parents violently thrown into the wall, and was then abducted by the Sith."

Plus, why would the Sith slash his eye? Were they just that evil? Uncontrolled? Detail.

And then we have the mention of the Sith. In the current timeline, the Sith aren't around 22 years ago. It's a pretty common mistake, and I think you merely want the term "Dark Jedi."

Last point here, what do you mean by "main Sith ship?" You mean the previously established Dark Jedi' ship?

One day while his sith master wasn't looking he attempted to escape, but his master cought him and gave him a nice little electrick shock. This hapened alot for young Gondan really wanted to escape, but one day he got lucky and took an escape pod. He landed on the planet Coriscont and there he found a jedi master that would take him under his wing.
Yong Gondan trained long and hard he trained in multiple styles of th force:force sprint,force push, force pull and force choke.

Again, no Sith. They'd be Dark Jedi.

What's the time period here? How old was Gondan? How long did he stay with the Sith Dark Jedi before he managed to escape? Did he just get lucky with the escape pod? I'd think the Dark Jedi would be careful about that type of thing. Now, since you're probably thinking of something different than me, let's level here. If you're thinking they have something approaching star destroyer size, that's not going to fly. <- Unintentional pun.
I'd say, if you want to keep the basic framework, they could probably have an armed freighter, that might have one or two escape pods.

How did the escape pod get from Tatooine to Coruscant? There's no mention of the Dark Jedi moving from point A, to point B. If I'm correct, escape pods don't exactly fly that far. (Outer Rim to Core world.)

Secondly, this Jedi Master would probably be located at the temple normally unless he was on a mission, just for clarification.

Where'd the escape pod land? On the Jedi Temple's steps? Coruscant's a big, immensely populated planet, I'd say you have a better chance of this being slightly feasible if you have it land in the general vicinity, and then write him running into the Jedi master while he (the Master) is on a mission. The master would probably go to look into the scene of a crash, if only to help. Depends on what his mission was. But I'm starting to ramble. Moving on.

Yong Gondan trained long and hard he trained in multiple styles of th force:force sprint,force push, force pull and force choke.

The Jedi order does not teach anything related to destruction, so force choke is out, being seen as a tool of the dark side of the Force. If you'd like your character to be good at telekinesis, (the stat that force push & pull fall under) then write how Gondan was better at this aspect of the Force. Remember, balance is key though, so you might want to mention if he struggled with something too. People (read: mods ;D) like realistic characters that have strengths and weaknesses.

P.S. Force sprint falls under the category of stat named "body."

He also trained in two diferent saber styles:shii-cho and sub form backhand , every day was a chalange for him he completed brutal missions,he was scared ,burned ,shot, tatooed and his clothes were tatered and his eyes were blood shot and soon he was facing his first sith.

The sub-form backhand is a part of the form Djem-so/Shien, so you'd want to mention him learning that too. Plus, since the backhanded form is a bit eccentric, why did he choose to learn that particular one?

starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Lightsaber_combat

^ If you haven't already, you should read that. Clickeh.

Lessee, I sincerely doubt the council sending a... Wait, how old is Gondan at this time? It's left out.

Anyhoo... I doubt the council sending a padawan alone, since that's what level Gondan'd probably be at, on brutal missions. Knights would be the more logical choice, 'specially if there was a Sith Dark Jedi.

His master is never mentioned after that first sentence in Coruscant. The padawan-master relationship is key on how a character develops during the (usual) time period of 12-22. This needs to be expanded upon greatly.

His saber iluminated the darkness of the room and his scars driped blood. He knifed his foot into the sith's chest and sent him hurdleing backwards, he lashed at his oponent but the sith was quick and counter attacked with a blast of force, Gondan sored through the air and landed on his back he quickly regained his balance and tried to blast the sith with his blaster pistol. The sith deflected his lasers and tried to spear him with his saber but the oposite hapened and Gondan speared him with his but sudenly another sith apeared and knocked Gondan's saber out of his hand Gondan then said"Thats all you can do? Well take this!"Gondan threw out his hand and used the force to strangle him "Gaa!"Said the sith as he strugled"Its no use." said Gondan calmly "You can't break free of the force."Soon Gondans oponent fell limp and Gondan returned to his own cruiser.

This is out of place. And since it concludes the bio, I can safely say that you've left out far too many years of this 28 year olds life for it to be accepted as is.

Attributes-

Lightsaber:double blade
Color:green

Why does he have a double bladed lightsaber? He doesn't practice the double-bladed form. He'd want a single or dual phase normal lightsaber.

Practiced Lightsaber forms:
>>sub-form backhand5 and shii-cho7

There is no such thing as a 7 in lightsaber stats, they only go up to -5's.- Djem So/ Shien is part of the subform backhand, so you'd want to skim points out of backhand into Djem So.

Shii-cho-5
Djem So/Shien-2
sub-form backhanded- 4

^ Probably along the lines of what you might want. These'd need to be reflected in a good bio though.


Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:


Telekinetic:7
Telepathic:4
Body:8
Sense:6
Protection:4
Healing:4
Destruction:5

Destruction needs to be explained in bio, or dropped to a 0. Telekinesis and Body are only mentioned once too. I think the most you can get away with is one 7, so body and telekinetic might need to be rearranged. None of the rest of these stats are mentioned in bio either, so they need to be explained, or dropped to 1's.

Specialized Skills:Force sprint, force push, force pull and force choke.

None of those are specialized skills. ^ They are part of body, destruction, and telekinesis. Just write N/A please?


I recommend running the bio through a spellchecker real fast, and actually reading the notes and application on making a Jedi character.

[Kella]

Hello there! I ish Kella, the loverly Jedi mod. Just poking in to say that you've gotten some marvelous advice/suggestions so far. Once you've tidied everything up, go ahead and post again to let me know you're ready. ;D

'til then!
~ Kella

[Kella]

If you would like to keep working on this, please post and let me know. Otherwise, I'll move it to Incomplete Profiles within about a week. It will be restored anytime upon request.