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last online Dec 28, 2015 2:36:26 GMT -5
Padawan
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Aug 6, 2011 13:18:39 GMT -5
Post by ninjabot on Aug 6, 2011 13:18:39 GMT -5
Xell blushed for a moment. If he wasn't squeezing her shoulder, what was he squeezing? Rather than dwell on it he opened his eyes and mouthed an apology before helping her to place an arm around him while he wrapped his own around her back. He kneeled down and after a 3 count, lifted up along with her. They were both standing now.
Xell smiled and reached with his other arm to guide Sherasti's second arm upward and onto his shoulder.
"Grab hold." he instructed his master inorder for her to aid in keeping in his arms. Her weak arm would not be much help, but it would be out of the way as he carried her. With her arms around his neck and his hands on her waist he stood there for a while, enjoying to closeness. He remembered this position from a book. Young people danced like this in school functions. Well, not young jedi. Regular young people. Normal people.
Likewise, the girls in the magazines didn't tower over the men, even in high heeled shoes. It made the boy wonder though. If they were normal people... normal young people out there in the world. Would this feel as wrong and as right as it did all at once. Or would it just be... right?
Xell shook the image of he and Sherasti from his mind and without warning, pivoted to her unhurt side and scooped her up. He didn't do so to quickly to keep his balance, even with the slick floor. "And you thought I couldn't sweep you off your feet." joked Xell again. He began walking toward the bed, his right eye wincing as he began to feel the effects of lifting an amazon without stretching first.
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last online Apr 19, 2013 18:45:53 GMT -5
Master
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Aug 6, 2011 15:18:35 GMT -5
Post by Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy on Aug 6, 2011 15:18:35 GMT -5
For a moment Sherasti's eyes softened as her arms were draped around Xell's neck and his hands rested lightly on her waist. The contact was soothing. And it reminded her of the time they'd spent together on the shuttle, when she'd had him simply hold her close to prove it could be done. But it had felt awkward then. Now was something entirely different.
She simply stood there, arms loosely resting around Xell's neck, unwilling to move them away. A strange expression played out on her face, and if not for Xell scooping her up again, she might have stood still, contented with the moment.
Sherasti laughed at the joke. But it was a distracted laugh, a weary laugh. Internally her mind had started racing.
Was she feeling what she thought she was feeling? How could she be? It wasn't possible. She knew he was attracted to her, but was it possible she had just felt attraction to him? It was more than simply surreal. It was wrong. She was his master. He was her Padawan. She was a Jedi and had responsibilities. They weren't ordinary people.
She stifled her thoughts and locked them away, working to keep that aura of peace and serenity she always had. It wasn't easy.
The Togruta didn't even notice they'd reached her bed until she felt her lekku brush against the soft surface. As she was set down she was still distracted. Too distracted to cover herself up. She was heavily exposed and glistening. And her shirt was clinging to her and leaving very little to the imagination.
Maybe it was because she was tired, or because she was distracted, or because of their 'moment,' but she didn't mind being seen for once.
But her sense of propriety did mind. She covered herself with the sheet and managed to smile halfheartedly, but it was clear her thoughts were elsewhere.
She forced herself back to the present and away from her own thoughts.
"Thank you, for the help." Her voice almost cracked at first, but regained a degree of confidence as she went on. "I- I might have trouble accepting it, but I do need it. If you don't mind, I'd like it if you came every day to visit me."
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last online Dec 28, 2015 2:36:26 GMT -5
Padawan
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Aug 7, 2011 21:02:40 GMT -5
Post by ninjabot on Aug 7, 2011 21:02:40 GMT -5
Xell's stare wasn't one of a lecherous young boy or a oggling buffoon this time. It was more of a frightened, thoughtful look. One of a man trying desperately to seek out any answer at all to the question he dare not ask. Maybe a curling of her lips into a smile. Or a nod in affirmation of his thoughts. But no, that was hoping too much.
Atleast his eyesight was focused on her own, rather than the rest of her form. Though somehow Xell had the feeling that she would feel less terrified if he were just focusing on her body this time. This past moment was more real than either of them would likely ever admit.
"Thank you, for the help." Sherasti's voice almost cracked at first, but regained a degree of confidence as she went on. "I- I might have trouble accepting it, but I do need it. If you don't mind, I'd like it if you came every day to visit me." Xell was prepared to answer quickly with an honest and enthusiastic "Yes master, ofcourse!" But hearing her say that she would like him to come every day took him by surprise. It made him happy. Greatly so.
"Again, it hurts to think you'd have to ask. I would've come even if you told me not to."
The Padawan rolled his sleeves back down and sat on the bed next to Sherasti's bare feet and began removing a blanket from the adjacent dresser.
"So, what would you have me do before I head out for training? You won't be hunting thimiar anytime soon so how about some food?"
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last online Apr 19, 2013 18:45:53 GMT -5
Master
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Aug 7, 2011 21:27:33 GMT -5
Post by Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy on Aug 7, 2011 21:27:33 GMT -5
"Thank you Xell,"Sherasti said as she held out her hand to the human almost subconsciously. It was her way of saying 'thank you' to Xell, letting him know she was grateful for everything he'd done for her.
At his mention of food she looked at him apologetically. "I have a few thimiars in a box in the corner, but you won't want to stay here with me while I eat. I know you're sensitive, and I don't want you to think I'm some kind of monster."
It was the way of nature. All things died, and everything had its place. All Togruta accepted that as a fact of life. They were carnivores. It was their nature to eat prey animals, their 'place' to do so.
But if it was perfectly inside her comfort zone, it was undoubtedly not in Xell's. And it made her feel guilty. Not only had he saved her life, but he'd also taken time to be at her side. Time he could be spending away training with other Jedi, or meditating.
But she was still asking, for the simple reason that she was hungry. And she couldn't deny her nature. Xell would have to come to terms with the fact that his master was gentle, peace-loving, and kind; but still a predator. She couldn't simply not be herself around him.
"I'm sorry Xell. I can't change who I am and what I am."
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last online Dec 28, 2015 2:36:26 GMT -5
Padawan
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Aug 7, 2011 22:35:15 GMT -5
Post by ninjabot on Aug 7, 2011 22:35:15 GMT -5
Xell sat attentively and waited for Sherasti to justify her eating habits. While he was not one to judge, he could not help but notice this was the second time that he noticed a hypocrisy. Jedi did not kill. They did, but it was frowned upon and avoided at all costs. Yet, Sherasti was all too comfortable blaiming her food preferences on her carnivorous background.
Xell however had yet to kill anything as he was trained not to from birth. Still, he ate dead animals, but he didn't kill them himself. Maybe he was looking too deeply into the morality of survival of the fittest, but there had to be some way to get sustenance without ending the life of another. Even more bothersome to Xell however was his master's unwillingness to adress the hypocrisy of her views.
"I'm sorry Xell. I can't change who I am or what I am."
"I asked once before and never got an answer master..." said Xell as he stood up and made his way to her wooden box in the corner. "How do you decide which of your baser instincts are okay to ignore in favor of your vows as a Jedi, and which are okay to indulge in? Couldn't you settle for already prepared food? Maybe thimiar you didn't kill with your own hands, or some kind of vegetarian diet? You absolutely have to kill?"
Xell opened the box and grabbed hold of a thimiar quickly. It was a larger one, thicker than Timmy with a darker coat and as Xell soon found out the hard way, sharper claws. The padawan winced and held tight to the wriggling prey and walked over to Sherasti with it in his hand.
"Could you not just as easily decide one day that if it's okay to give in to your whims as a carnivore, maybe there are other physical indulgences you don't have to abstain from? Just as long as you can justify it as perfectly natural or, who you are?" asked Xell as he sat next to her this time after motioning for her to scoot over across the bed. He looked over to his resting master, hoping his meaning wasn't lost.
She wouldn't have to think long about it. What could he be referring to that Sherasti wanted, that was perfectly natural for her to desire as a young woman often would?
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last online Apr 19, 2013 18:45:53 GMT -5
Master
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Aug 7, 2011 23:10:39 GMT -5
Post by Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy on Aug 7, 2011 23:10:39 GMT -5
Sherasti sighed as she folded her legs under her to allow Xell more room at her feet. She reached out and gently but firmly took the thimiar from her Padawan's hand. It squirmed slightly in her clutches, but with the right practiced touches it quickly became still and at ease again.
The Togruta Jedi looked at the rodent sitting in the palm of her hand. Its life was in her hands. And that wasn't something she took lightly. It was a responsibility and a duty to the natural order of things.
"All life is connected Xell. All of it is precious. But all things end, and each thing has its own purpose. This is more than just the way of nature, this is the way of my people. Everything is alive. The plant no less so than the animal. Do you think the Force is so narrow and shallow to exclude the whole of nature? We exist in balance with it all. In harmony and peace with it, accepting of the way it is. We take only what we need, and we do what we must to survive.
Sometimes we have to take life. It isn't always a choice we can make. Sometimes it is made for us, because it is our purpose. The purpose of a thimiar is to sustain the life of other beings. Without Togrutas to feed on the thimiars, the balance would be lost. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't change. My body can't live without meat, I must eat in order to survive. And what would it accomplish having another kill it for me? Not facing my prey is a disgrace to it and to me. This way I know for a fact it will die without pain. This- this is something my father taught me when I was very young. I still remember it. I still remember him. Bits and pieces of what it was like, snippets of songs almost forgotten. But I remember my first thimiar clearly. I was afraid to do it, afraid the way you are now. But it is a part of my blood. It is the way it is. It is the way it must be."
She lapsed into silence as she directed her thoughts to what Xell had alluded. It was a difficult dilemma for her. One she'd thought about only in passing before. Togruta were hardly immune from the natural drive all species had to reproduce. Sherasti was no exception. She had the same instincts of any other young sentient. She simply had the training and discipline to withstand those impulses.
True to their belief of open honesty, she replied with her true feelings. It was... liberating to be able to speak freely.
"I am not immune from the same desires of any other person. But there are choices we are all called to make as Jedi. I forfeited any chance for that life. It doesn't lessen me any as a Togruta, or as a woman. I- I can be lonely at times yes. And I can wonder what companionship would have been like, what having a mate would make me feel. What having children could be for me. But I can't have any of those things. I can't dwell on that. Wishing only wounds the heart. But this is why there are many of us in the Order. We are all one family. One tribe. We band together in all things, and even when I feel at my loneliest there is always someone close by, to stay by my side."
Sherasti directed her violet eyes toward Xell. They had a far-away look in them. She was reliving the dreams of what could have been in another life. But they ended, like all things.
"I hope you can understand Xell..."
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last online Dec 28, 2015 2:36:26 GMT -5
Padawan
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Aug 8, 2011 14:39:16 GMT -5
Post by ninjabot on Aug 8, 2011 14:39:16 GMT -5
Xell locked eyes with Sherasti as she spoke to him. If there was ever a question as to whether she was worthy to be his guardian; his master, there would be no more after this conversation. The sage advice that seemed to flow from her words naturally were things that he had not thought enough about with Orren, as he seemed more concerned with molding him into a warrior rather than a diplomat.
Sometimes we have to take life. It isn't always a choice we can make. Sometimes it is made for us, because it is our purpose. The purpose of a thimiar is to sustain the life of other beings. Without Togrutas to feed on the thimiars, the balance would be lost. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't change. My body can't live without meat, I must eat in order to survive. And what would it accomplish having another kill it for me? Not facing my prey is a disgrace to it and to me. This way I know for a fact it will die without pain. This- this is something my father taught me when I was very young. I still remember it. I still remember him. Bits and pieces of what it was like, snippets of songs almost forgotten. But I remember my first thimiar clearly. I was afraid to do it, afraid the way you are now. But it is a part of my blood. It is the way it is. It is the way it must be."
I'm no child. I know what you're talking about! I just... I.. Xell looked saddened by what should be a happy memory from Sherasti. It was pleasant. For her atleast, but it reminded Xell of what he was missing. He had no family. Or rather, he did, but never met them. Sherasti atleast had this memory of her father. But even though it was what he'd consider a good memory, she seemed worried. As if she were trying not to hold the memory as dear to her as it should be. Xell prepared words for her, but she continued on with her explanation.
"I am not immune from the same desires of any other person. But there are choices we are all called to make as Jedi. I forfeited any chance for that life. It doesn't lessen me any as a Togruta, or as a woman. I- I can be lonely at times yes. And I can wonder what companionship would have been like, what having a mate would make me feel. What having children could be for me. But I can't have any of those things. I can't dwell on that. Wishing only wounds the heart. But this is why there are many of us in the Order. We are all one family. One tribe. We band together in all things, and even when I feel at my loneliest there is always someone close by, to stay by my side. I hope you can understand Xell..."
Xell searched her words for a loophole, or a contradiction, or signs she was lying. "...I understand. But understanding is far from accepting. You say that wishing only wounds the heart? Well, I can see how you would feel that way, but... but I've learned something after meeting first Master Orren, and now you've reminded me of it. Do you know the difference between wishing, and hoping? Wishing is just wanting something. Giving in to your desires, fantasizing about what you wish was in your posession, or something you would like changed. Hope however is the feeling that you will someday have what it is you're wishing for based on what you know. It's based on logic and evidence."
Xell smiled brighter, remembering how Master Orren once explained the difference between a wish and hope. Oddly enough, it was when Xell asked his old master if he had ever been in love before.
"Because I know that all sentient life is capable of good, I hope that I can influence them and guide them to make the right decisions in life. That hope is held on the foundation of that truth. I'm getting better at my lightsaber by the day, so my hope that I'll eventually be a master swordsman won't be entirely unfounded. If some nobody who never wielded a saber before hoped to be a master after one day, then that'd be a baseless wish."
Xell placed a palm on Sherasti's hand and smiled before clenching her own hand and slowly letting go. He then walked away toward the exit.
"Meeting Master Orren... meeting you. Events like those give me hope, despite what I've been taught as a child. I hope I'll meet more people like you and him. And I hope someday you'll find something that makes you genuinely happy too Master. I hope we both find that happiness. In whatever way it presents itself. If not one way, then another."
As Xell stepped closer to the door it swung open on it's own, but he stopped short and turned his head back to his resting master. "This umm... this conversation doesn't change anything. You don't have to worry. I wouldn't do anything to risk losing you."
After that, Xell stepped out of his master's room, the door shut behind him with a whoosh. ...before he rushed back in frantically. "AS MY MASTER! Don't want to lose you... as my master." Xell then cleared his throat and left the room again.
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last online Apr 19, 2013 18:45:53 GMT -5
Master
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Aug 8, 2011 14:58:10 GMT -5
Post by Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy on Aug 8, 2011 14:58:10 GMT -5
"Goodbye Xell," Sherasti thought aloud to the closed door as she smiled thinly.
Xell was learning to be wise. Despite Orren's training rooted so heavily in practicality and combat, his mind was still keen. And she could tell he understood what she'd said. His horizons were being broadened. It was possible she could open his eyes more fully to diplomacy, to peace-making rather than fighting. If he could understand something of her culture, then he could learn of other cultures too. And understanding was the first step to true communication.
She was starting to believe the two of them understood each other, in a way even Master Pedara hadn't shared with her. It was profoundly reassuring.
The Togruta propped herself up against the pillows of her bed and set about the task of eating. Once she was done, she would sleep and try to recover some of her strength. And then she'd see Xell again the next day.
And she would enjoy that very much.
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