So I lied, but... here you go! Copy/pasted from my other computer, so hopefully there's not too terribly many inconsistencies...
All right… I’m back. I’m doing this without my other review nearby, so hopefully I don’t repeat myself too much. But if you reworked this as much as you did, this shouldn’t prove too much of a problem. Either way, here comes a review. ;p
* Name/race/age:
-- All fine.
* Height/weight:
-- All fine.
* Birth place:
-- Good. I know that this was approved already before I started this, so no worries there.
* Appearance:
-- A bit scant, but all the right details are there, so this is fine.
* Personality:
-- Fine.
* Occupation/rank:
-- Good.
* Skills:
-- Good enough. It’s an optional category, so I don’t deal too harshly with it.
* Stats:
-- Strength seems a bit low, maybe up to 6. A 5 is average. Leadership is a bit high; if you add some more details to the missions he lead in the bio, I could see it being a 7 or 8. But right now, there’s just not enough to warrant the high number. So bump this to 4 or 5. Same for unarmed and ranged—put something in the bio where he learns these, otherwise bump both to about 2 or 3. Remember that any stat 7 or higher needs extensive proof in the bio. The other stats are fine.
* Alignment:
-- Seems a bit high, maybe go down at least to +5.
* Ship:
-- I can’t remember if I looked at this app or not, but I believe I saw it had been approved. Anyway, I’ll assume all things are go, and just double-check it when I get to some interwebs again.
And.... I just now rechecked it and everything's good here.
* Bio:
Part Father:
-- Maybe just clarify where the Cloran Tech Institute is. I’m assuming it’s on Ralos. Same with Habertine.
-- Details are a bit lack, but since it’s his dad, it’s fine.
Part Mother:
-- Perhaps just add that Acropolis is on Ralos, just for clarity.
Part Jaden:
-- nothing to add here
Part Early Years:
-- There’s a bit of a gap here from when he was born to when he’s 6. Put in some detail for what Jaden is doing during this time. What he does while at home and his brothers are at school. Hobbies, any friends, etc.
-- Another gap with the “few years” here. How did Jaden develop a “loner side”?
-- Also, does he do well in school? Poor? Does he like it? Is he already disinterested in school when he starts it, or does that come later? Why doesn’t he get along with his classmates?
-- The part where his friend Jainy is left alone at 8 worries me… but since it’s a friend, and not the main character, I’ll let it go.
-- Another gap here… if he’s the same age as the others, he’s 8 during the crab scene, and then he’s suddenly 15. Fill in some more details about what he’s doing during this time. Friends, school, hobbies, etc.
-- Also, why does his father neglect him?
-- The accident that kills his mother seems a little sudden… maybe add a bit to it?
-- Why did Jaden choose the Navy? Because he wants to get away from his father? Because school/academics never held his interest, so a ‘normal’ career was never an option? Also, why the Ralos navy? Why not join the Republic Navy? Coruscant would be farther away. Since this is an important point in his life, it should be explained.
-- How does his father feel about the decision? Even if Jaden is angry at his father and barely tolerates him now, not caring what he thinks, his father would be bound to express something about the decision.
Part at the Academy:
-- Why would he want to leave after the first day at the Academy?
-- I think there needs to be a better transition between him feeling he made a mistake, to suddenly deciding further naval education would be interesting. Maybe add another sentence or two here. I dunno, it just seems awkward to me as it is.
-- I’m no military expert, but he could transfer to officer school after just one year in the regular academy?
-- Also… trying to keep track of his age… is he 19 then, when he transfers? Make sure you put in his age throughout, so it’s easier to follow.
-- His final year of officer school… how many years was he there, so which year is this? How old is he?
-- Also, maybe a brief explanation about why the Chiss (to someone not knowing the history of Ralos, it might seem odd).
-- Perhaps a bit more details on his graduation simulation. Show how Jaden is a good leader, give examples, don’t just tell.
Part Career:
-- So this final training is after he graduates officer school? Also, why wouldn’t these things have been taught in officer school, or during his first year at the regular Academy?
-- Again, someone unfamiliar with Ralos history wouldn’t have a clue about the Uprising. Give some details on it. Don't assume someone reading this bio will have read the planet app.
-- Also, explain how Jaden’s team got involved (when he was still apparently doing his final training). How they breached enemy lines and got the pirates. Details are needed here, since it’s an important part of Jaden’s life.
-- I’m confused about the mention of the end of pirate activity in 3607. Jaden starts off as 23, but in this year, he’d be 26. So there’s a bit of a gap. (I have to say I thought originally his strikes against the pirates, including Fregin, were during these three years, until I keep reading on). It’s a little confusing as to what happens when, and how old Jaden is at each event. More details about the Uprising would help (i.e. is the Uprising before 3607 or is that when it happens?).
-- Also, listing his age, instead of the year, would probably help clarify things as well. I would use dates sparingly and only when really important. Seeing Jaden’s age would be an instant marker for how old he is, instead of having to figure out from the year date.
-- Also, give some more details on this strike he made against Fregin. Had Jaden coordinated with another team? Obviously he would be on the command ship, so who shot Fregin? Expand this a bit more.
-- “immediately sends out” “Jaden orders his” “ships converge on” – change these to past tense.
-- Give details on this “masterfully planned attack.”
-- Why was he recalled from his command?
-- Why go home? Was his father’s death enough to send him back to see his family, after all the years he didn’t speak to them?
-- Without any contact for years, why would his brothers include Jaden on this project? Their father’s last wish, perhaps?
-- So after going into the Belt to get pirates, then being recalled back to Ralos, RDF almost immediately sends him away from Ralos again? It seems a little odd.
* RP Sample:
-- This is good.
In summary…
Overall, I like what you did with the changes here.
However, I do think there are a few areas that need some more work, namely the missions he’s apart of after joining the RDF. Go into more details with those, since it’s such an important part of his life. I liked the earlier description of the rock crab event; use that kind of detail with his military career, and you should be all set.
Otherwise, the rest is just mainly housekeeping things to get this app all tightened up and ready to go.
Good job.
take your time