Syaoran Tanso [Finished]

[Zaine]

Please move this back to pending. I made some major changes to it and would like it checked again.

[Mara]

Moved.

[Dutch]

Well, after a big fuss, it seems this character is almost ready for approval. Honestly, for only 22, his abilities seem a bit advanced to me personally, but that's just how I see it.

Lightsaber stats I'd remove the one in Makashi, since it seems unlikely that one who studies as wild an art as Ataru would care much for the preciseness of Makashi.

And for the healing skills, if he's so skilled to use Choke and Shock- dun you think his destruction skill would be higher? I'd get rid of the healing and add another point into Destro. And you do know the melee weapon skill represents his skills with stuff besides lightsabers right? So unless he was trained with vibroblades, knives, etc, he wouldn't have any skill in this at all.

That's all I really have to say, unfortunately the pain killers I'm on make me kinda whoopsy and find it hard to focus enough to read a bio. I'd change what I mentioned, and we'll see what Jace says.

[Zaine]

Thanks, Max. Took all of your suggestions into consideration and changed what needed be. I rearranged the force stats so I think you should check that again. I made his melee skill a 5. I took off Makashi and added 1 to Niman.

Is this alright?

[Jace]

1.

so took Syaoran without the temple's permission back to Dxun where his first mission took place

There is no temple on Korriban. Not at this time. You need to go through the whole bio and rid it of all the mentions of the temple.

2.

Hours went by as this exhausting battle drew to a closing.

Hours of battle? Do you know how straining minutes of lightsaber battle can be? There is a no way an acolyte can keep up a lightsaber battle for hours. I would change it to minutes.

3.I want to see a better RP sample.

Overall your character is close to approval, so just make these changes.

[Zaine]

1. Changed temple to academy.
2. Changed hours to minutes.
3. Rewrote the RP sample.
Added 3 new force powers because on wookiepedia it said we need them to use ataru.

[Jace]

There is no Academy on Korriban either, and you don't need to mention those 3 since they aren't specialized powers but general ones.

[Zaine]

Edited.

[Jace]

<Approved>

[sparrow]

Moving to Inactive.