Veslyin Shada

[Veslyin Shada]

I did listen to Kozeph on most things, and I edited my thing a lot again. One thing, I did research Dathomir a lot and read what I could in the ultimate guide to the force, but it wasn't much. I took what I knew

[Latus]

*puts on (very nice) character criticism hat*

You are going to have to make more changes than a word here or there to make this acceptable. I get that you want a super-sith anti-christ but even Einstein failed at calculus; give her some flaws, give her some character.

My primary concern that you still have not addressed about your first paragraph is the death of the leader. If she could get into the tent quietly to stab the tribe leader the leader would not have stayed silent. She would wake up and see who did the deed before raising hell about it and likely not ran at all.

However, I will say no more about it for now.

Now that I am off my soapbox I will get to your app. I also suggest more than word corrections on this character; try multiple-sentence or paragraph additions. Detail is key here.

TRAINING IN THE JEDI TEMPLE:

Her training was regular, save for a few conspicuous events.

Regular is relative, try going deeper into her training.

Veslyin stole a book written about the dark side of the force from a master-padawan team sent out to recover it. The padawan was the only one who made it back, so thus began Ves's career in cajoling other padawan's into giving her things.

Stole a book written about the dark side... That padawan would have gone directly to the council with such an item, not show it off around the other padawans. Also, I doubt flattering a padawan would give him much incentive to give something to critical away.

Ves saw her before anyone else, and convinced her to say that her master had died with it. She took it for personnal use. She began to learn a few things from the book

A book of the dark side is generally permeated with the dark side and act as a beacon to those looking for it. Its far-fetched that the padawan would give her something like that if it was so critical much less allow her to talk him/her into giving it away willingly.

It was at the temple she became an accomplished liar. To the masters, she presented a brilliant student face. She gained a few "friends" who followed her like puppies. She got her master at the age of 15. The 1st mission to hunt down some pirates she went on with her master and another padawan didn't go so well. The master got seperated from the two. The other padawan kept annoying Ves with things comments that weren't even directed at her.

Some of the wording here is awkward. May want to rewrite.

That mission started her bad feelings toward the jedi, at first, it was only slight annoyance with some other padawans, but the feelings only grew with age.

The tenses here are wonky. It sounds like you leave the present and shift to a future tense. This may be better placed after the act.

Veslyin couldn't take it, so she walked them right into a trap and got the other padawan killed by the pirates, then ran for it.

Why would a master leave padawans alone, ever? Especially the young ones. Also, correct me if I am wrong but is it not impossible for a master to take more than one padawan?

Ves's master could tell something was off with her story of innocence.

Lies, in some canon, are visible as clouds in the force, making some jedi nasty when trying to out-talk them. A trained jedi master who just walked in to see padawans killed would probably be wary for that.

However, Veslyin was about to turn 16, and about to build her first lightsaber, so nothing was pushed.

What do you mean "nothing was pushed?"

When she finished, she had built a simple purple bladed lightsaber with no special attributes. Ves was never good with a lightsaber. She hated training, so she only did what she had to, preferring an easy blaster. Ves actually became very skilled with blasters she managed to gain through a couple illegal ventures.
The masters knew about her ventures to attain blasters, but turned a blind eye because they thought if she wouldn't train with a lightsaber, she may as well use a blaster well.

The jedi view has been called dogmatic. This shift in judgement about such a weapon seems in blatant opposition of the general jedi way.

She figured out how to sometimes control her followers minds, and managed to link them all in a meld under her control.

Also incredibly obvious as well as the power itself being intrinsically tied to the dark side. The jedi are not stupid and controlling someone's mind is not easily concealable. Her acts are blatant and loud, plus with her age she would have been training with many other PC padawans at the same time. Believe you me, Ves, even the other padawans would have noticed the shenanigans.

*takes off character criticism hat*

[sparrow]

Moving to Incomplete.