Delete

[Mara]

So in a few days it'll have been a month since my review, and if I don't hear from you by then, I'll have to move him into Incomplete till you can go over him again.

[Sheppard]

-EDITED- Extreme amount of detail added to bio/history

[Dutch]

Moved to Pending

[Dutch]

Alright Shepp, let's take a lil' look here.

Appearance: I'd really like to see more description here. I'd recommend you take a look at previously accepted characters to get an idea of what we like to see. You put more description into his clothing here than the man himself. Also, not quite sure what you mean by professional yet laid back. A bit of an oxymoron there. Some things to ask yourself/ show us are as follows: How does he carry himself? What is is body type like? Does he have scars/other markings? What are some ticks/ tells of his? Details details details! The more there are the more believable Jaden is.

Personality: Def falls under the trope of 'headstrong hero' from the beginning. Doesn't stop from being accepted, but also something seen quite a lot when it comes to rp. Again though you kinda have something that doesn't really make sense. Great at tactics but not with strategy? Are they not one in the same? You kinda describe him, but it's more stuff that'd be seen in the bio, not so much the personality section. Here we're looking for his likes/dislikes, desires, fears, etc etc. Basically, more details would be nice to see.

Skills look fine

Attributes: You describe him as being quite smart above, yet only has an intel of five? That is slightly above average but hardly indicative of someone known to be intelligent, y'know? His strength and speed are a little too even as well, rarely are people both fast and strong. Humans generally tend to favor a type of build. Check some previously accepted characters to get an idea of this balance. From personality I really don't see a Charisma of 8. That is near legendary levels of charismatic, equivalent to Churchill, Obama, Neil Patrick Harris, etc.

Onto the more combat oriented stats.

So... you mention that he's not so good with unarmed, which is shown, but that he is quite good with firearms, which is shown. But then randomly, melee weapons are tossed in there with a trained score. Really, especially in military (let alone naval military) melee weapons wouldn't really be taught at all. Unarmed makes sense since all boots learn at least disarming/grappling for self defense. I'd bump it down to something more akin to a one or two in it, and should def not be higher than unarmed.

Gonna leave it at that for now, got some work to do but nothing horrendously marring was seen. Just some tweaks/ added detail. I'm sure I said it before, but just in case I'll say it again: Definitely look at previously accepted bios to get a grasp on what we want/ need to see to be accepted. Lemme know if you got any questions Shepp.

[Dutch]

Moved to Incomplete

[Sheppard]

Moderator, please delete this thread

[Dutch]

Moved to Archive