Post by Rugs on Aug 27, 2013 21:26:10 GMT -5
Alright, let's have a looksee
Basic stuff looks alright. To the bio...
Not entirely sure what the end of this sentence means. Think your wording got a little jumbled. It happens.
I'm not in the business of going through and picking out typos casue everyone makes them, but you call the Jedi Council the Jedi Counsel a few times. Might want to keep in mind that it's the former.
It's an interesting proposition, but the kind of thing that's a bit too major. It would have an effect on other characters who were alive and in the area at the time, and that's not necessarily feasible.
The Meeting- might want to have them interact a little bit before falling in love =P
I don't think the Council would be quite that desperate to have her back. Besides, as you said, it's not really possible, given that she's gone off and started a family. They would know this.
Death in the Milla family- Gonna have to turn this down some. Jedi die all the time serving the Republic, and in worse/greater circumstances than that. Also, the threat of the virus thing is obviously negated, since that's not really gonna work out...
With the mission to Naboo, I have to ask, why can't the government of Naboo take care of anything on its own? Seems it constantly requires Republic intervention. They do have police/peacekeeping force, and an army of their own, after all.
Also kinda have to wonder why everything is on Naboo. It's okay to have a planet play a prominent role, but a little diversity helps as well. He'd be well-traveled as a Jedi, anyway.
Don't have to include insight as a trial.
Anyway, that should be enough to get you started, by looking at some of the broader things before worrying about the nitty-gritty little details
Basic stuff looks alright. To the bio...
....which was contracted by the Republic 50 years of the existence of the business.
Not entirely sure what the end of this sentence means. Think your wording got a little jumbled. It happens.
I'm not in the business of going through and picking out typos casue everyone makes them, but you call the Jedi Council the Jedi Counsel a few times. Might want to keep in mind that it's the former.
One day during a tough time in the Republic's history a deadly pandemic on 2 planet relatively close to the Coruscant was starting to become a danger through many of the core worlds.
It's an interesting proposition, but the kind of thing that's a bit too major. It would have an effect on other characters who were alive and in the area at the time, and that's not necessarily feasible.
The Meeting- might want to have them interact a little bit before falling in love =P
The Jedi Council really indeed were still trying to fix their relationship with Hana. They were starting to consider accepting Hana back within the ranks but however her marriage to Sacrifice was one of the various road blocks that had to be over came.
I don't think the Council would be quite that desperate to have her back. Besides, as you said, it's not really possible, given that she's gone off and started a family. They would know this.
Death in the Milla family- Gonna have to turn this down some. Jedi die all the time serving the Republic, and in worse/greater circumstances than that. Also, the threat of the virus thing is obviously negated, since that's not really gonna work out...
With the mission to Naboo, I have to ask, why can't the government of Naboo take care of anything on its own? Seems it constantly requires Republic intervention. They do have police/peacekeeping force, and an army of their own, after all.
Also kinda have to wonder why everything is on Naboo. It's okay to have a planet play a prominent role, but a little diversity helps as well. He'd be well-traveled as a Jedi, anyway.
Don't have to include insight as a trial.
Anyway, that should be enough to get you started, by looking at some of the broader things before worrying about the nitty-gritty little details