Despin R'or (WIP)

[Squee]

Moved back to pending by member request! Welcome back!

[xlepermessiahxx]

ready for review! looking to get this finished as soon as possible so any and all reviews are welcome

[Faeruy]

Okie doke, I promised you a review on Monday, so here it is.

He has a strong jaw line that squared out, and deep eyes blacker than the belly of the sarlaac.

Humans don't have black eyes. What color are they really? Really dark brown?

Telekinetic: 1
Telepathic: 2
Body: 2
Sense: 3
Protection:1
Healing: 0
Destruction: 0

Okay, these stats seem a tad high for someone as untrained as he is. 6 points total, and 3 points max in one category for untrained Force-users is the standard. Now, on the one hand, he's been trained over the last three months, but on the other, there's nothing in the bio that indicates he had even 6 points to begin with (you only mentioned his taste of the force like twice before meeting Ka'sim). I would drop at least one point somewhere.

Attributes: 

Physical Strength: 4
Intelligence: 3
Speed: 3
Leadership: 1
Unarmed: 2
Melee Weapons: 4
Ranged Weapons: 1

Not bad attributes, though given what I read in the bio, I would say he could warrant a 5 in Strength. You also talk about his cunning in the bio, and yet give him an intelligence of 3? You could probably bump that one up to 4.

Kaida Hodren had been a jedi knight serving in the war against the Sith empire.

Um... don't think this can be a thing. First of all, unless was either 100 OR 3 years ago, there was no “Sith Empire”, at least not one populated by Sith force users. The last one died 100 years ago, and the new siths came about 2-3 years ago. There is the Sith Empire that is composed of the Sith Aristocracy (non-force users) but because of politics and economy, there is no war against them. It's all there in the Prologue.

but no amount of cunning could hide the growing bulge in her stomach.

Please don't ever refer to a pregnancy as this ever again. Pregnancies do not happen in the stomach. Belly and midsection are both better choices.

After months of running, Sen found transportation to Tatooine,

Due to their lack of money, their next few months were spent scrounging for food, and a constant search for shelter.

Kaida did what she could to help, but the months of malnourishment in the desert had left her weak. They knew it was only a matter of time before their child was born, and they had begun to make necessary preparations for the childbirth.

She was already showing when they left the Jedi, which means she had to be at least in her second trimester. And yet they spent months running, and then another several months starving, And the thing that stops her from helping out is the fact that she's malnourished, rather than pregnant enough to burst? Do you know how a pregnancy works? What the timeline is for a human one?

He looked down at the baby, noticing something silver protruding from the blanket he was wrapped in. Lifting the small chain from the baby’s chest he read what he assumed was his given name.

Where the heck did this come from? You have two parents who are on the run and starving to death, middle of nowhere, with farmers, and yet they feel the need to keep a chain that they could have sold instead, and somehow put Despin's name on it? And they thought it was a good idea to put around a baby's neck? Look, I understand why you did it (to keep Despin's name consistent) but in this case the presence of a silver chain makes no sense.

As they approached their teen years (around 9)

Sand people may be “teenagers” here, but Despin would still be very much a child. Especially since the word “teen” is derived from numbers that end in 'teen', like thirteen, fourteen, fifteen. Wouldn't he start to notice that he wasn't growing as fast as his friends? Or was he unusual for a human?

Through the teachings of his father, as well as training on his own, he quickly became recognized as one of the more promising young hunters of the tribe. 

I know he's been raised from birth to be a Sand Person, but remember that while it's possible that Humans and Sand People are very, very distantly related – the connection is so weak that they cannot interbreed. Remember that the Sand People have had centuries to adapt to the Tatooine climate. Des is a human, and has not had that benefit. While it is possible he's a promising hunter, you need to take into account that Des is different, and that the Sand People most likely have advantages that he does not. Right now, you seem to be looking at them as one and the same.

He lifted the blunt end of his gaffi and bludgeoned the boy to the ground. The boy dropped his knife, and fell to the ground yelping and clutching the laceration on his forehead. Des quickly moved in for the kill, repeatedly stabbing the boy in the chest before finally putting an end to his life. 

You mentioned bludgeoning. Blunt objects don't leave lacerations. There are parts of the gaffi that stab, and chop, and have sharp edges, but if you're going to use those, don't mention the bludgeoning or blunt edges.

As soon as the ship had left Tatooine’s atmosphere, Des climbed out of the cargo hold, still careful to mask his presence.

Where did Des come from? Do you mean Ka'sim? Also this entire section could be condensed quite a bit. We don't need to know every detail about Ka'sim's encounter with the planet, a short summary would do. Generally speaking, we tend to discourage the use of dialogue in the bio itself – it's unnecessary, it tends to be filler, especially in a section like this, which has almost nothing to do with your character. Well written though, I'll give you that.

“Impressive” Kas’im muttered in the tongue of the sand people, glancing over Des’ shoulder and motioning to the dying Jedi Padawan.

Sooo.. you spend five paragraphs on a single encounter with a Jedi, and yet you don't mention how Kas'im just happens to know the Sand people language? And like I said before, we generally don't like seeing a lot of dialogue in the bio.

Slaughter

This whole section is ridiculously implausible. Not one Sand Person woke up and sounded the alarm? A fourteen year old human untrained in the force, and younger than most of the (very well trained) Sand people managed to slaughter an entire camp by himself? I don't think so.

RP SAMPLE:

This isn't bad, shows off a nice bit of combat.

[xlepermessiahxx]

Thanks for the review! It's been a really busy week for me so I'm going to work on this over the weekend.

[Rugs]

Moved to inactive pending