Lord Necronix

[Nihilicus]

Okay. I'll put the code on it later today. Sorry for my stupidity.

[Nihilicus]

Is that good?

[Faeruy]

Not quite yet dude, sorry. Only the subject headers should be bolded. The rest of it should be unbolded.

[Nihilicus]

How do I cancel the coding?

[Nihilicus]

Nevermind.

[Nihilicus]

How about now?

[Faeruy]

Okay Nihilicus, you finally got the format right, so now, let's look at everything else. This is just a first review.

Race: 

Human, but a duel left him ravaged and deformed physically 

Did the duel turn him into something not-human? No? Then just put down human and leave the rest out.

Height:5'8 

Weight:100 lbs 

That is about 40lbs underweight. How does he function at all?

Appearance: 

Xaen is slender, and thin. His appearance was changed because of a Sith torture session, he is a grotesque collection of flesh and bones.

This is more than just slender and thin. This is grotesquely underweight. Also above you say he was ravaged from a duel, but here you say it was because of a Sith torture session? I'm assuming the “Sith torture session” is from your previous version of this, so I suggest getting rid of it.

He wears a heavy, black robe equipped with a hood to conceal himself and always covers his mutilated face with a black respirator helmet. Fully clothed in black robes, gloves, boots, belt, and mask, it gives his enemies and allies an uneasy feeling. 

Sooo... he's Darth Vader? Just checking. Also this is a very short appearance section. We need a bit more; like what does he look like under the respirator helmet. Does he have scars elsewhere? What color are his eyes? How does he walk and move? Does he look imposing, or, given that he's ridiculously underweight, does he look like a skeleton wearing all black? Please read other accepted bios to get an idea of what we're looking for.

Personality: 

He is cunning, never having to answer to moral restrictions. This was not due to the Sith experimentation, but it had been amplified by it.

Again, this looks like something that you forgot to get rid of when we told you that there could be no mention of the Sith prior to two years ago. Get rid of it, or explain it in your bio.


 Bio:
I'm going to say this right off the bat; this bio is way too short. Please read other accepted bios to get an idea of what we're looking for. A good rule of thumb, (though not an absolute requirement) is about on good paragraph for every 2-3 years of life. Major events need to be covered, as well as family, friends, and training. You're going to have to do a lot more work.

 One day, when he was 12 years old, a transport ship arrived on a landing pad relatively close to their apartment. Curious, he went to investigate. A figure walked out of the ship on a boarding ramp. This person looked mysterious. The figure looked male. He was clad in robes, but what caught his attention was the cylindrical, metal object he was holding in his wrinkled right hand, which he quickly stowed away into his robes. It was a lightsaber! Xaen had heard rumors about the Jedi Order and the mystical Force they wielded from his friends. They said that the Jedi were purely good, and used their power for the protection of others. Intrigued by the thought that there could a Jedi here, and find a way out of this place, he started to follow the person, hoping that he could maybe achieve his goals.

Two things. First of all Courscant is a Core World. That means all children, regardless of circumstance, are tested at birth. That means Xaen would have been discovered as being Force Sensitive when he was a newborn and taken to the temple. Now, if you decide to change planets so that he's not on a Core World, the oldest a child can be enlisted as a Jedi is 6. Any older than 6 and they are too old to become full Jedi. So change his location, change his age, or change this part of the bio altogether.

Since Master Auadimus had found him in the Underworld, Xaen had followed his commands very well, which showed his ambitious qualities, which Auadimus expressed with concern.

Um.... Jedi Padawans are expected to follow orders. That's expected. It doesn't actually prove anything about Xaen.

Although his arrival was sudden, the Jedi masters accepted him in the order, knowing that their war with the Sith Empire (the non-force Sith Empire) will require all the help they could get. He rose through the ranks of the Jedi quickly, becoming a Jedi Knight at the age of 24 years. Xaen was an obedient student, and could follow their instructions, but he had no moral code of his own, and that was what led to Xaen's eventually escape from the Jedi, and his arrival to the Sith (the Force-using ones, and by this time, they had emerged, and also, I hope this is ok, because he wasn't taught by the Sith, but by the Jedi, and then joined the Sith, later). Xaen escaped, beacuse of his swelling ambition, and saw that the Jedi were holding him back. So, when the Sith reemerged, he joined their ranks, and became a Sith Prophet. 

This is way way too rushed. You cover 13 years in one paragraph, you never talk about what lead to Xaen being mutilated, and there is just not enough about his training, his experience with the Jedi, his gaining a lightsaber, his fall to the Dark Side, anything. Also

 (the Force-using ones, and by this time, they had emerged, and also, I hope this is ok, because he wasn't taught by the Sith, but by the Jedi, and then joined the Sith, later).

Take this out. Just present the bio as it is don't ask if things look okay in the middle of it.



Force-Sensitive Abilities or Practices: 

 Telekinetic: 7 
 Telepathic: 8 
 Body: 5 
 Sense: 7 
 Protection: 5 
 Healing: 4 
 Destruction: 8 

These stats are far too high for a 25 year old; and you have too many points in too many areas. Jedi are highly specialized creatures. For one, Jedi don't learn destruction – only Dark Jedi and Sith do. If he's only been Darkside for a year, his points in Destruction are not going to be at an 8. You are certainly not going to be allowed two sevens and two eights as your stats. I'm not sure what a better build would be – I'd take a look at other accepted bios to see what would be acceptable. I'd drop Destruction down for sure, as well as a few others.


Attributes: 
 

Physical Strength: 4 
 Intelligence: 8 
 Speed: 5 
 Leadership: 8 

Again, some of these stats are too high, and the bio doesn't support them. An 8 in intelligence is considered genius-level to the point of being nonfunctional in society. I would say it's impossible to have an 8 in intelligence AND an 8 in leadership – since leadership requires a person to be able to actually interact with people. Also given how severely underweight he is, I would drop physical strength down even more – a 3 at most – Seriously, at that height and weight, he is going to have no muscle tone whatsoever and I would think could barely make it through the day without passing out.

Unarmed: 7 
Melee Weapons: 7 
Ranged Weapons: 5 

These are also too high. If he is a Jedi, than the only thing he would be trained in is lightsaber – which covers none of these things. He may have learned one as a hobby, but there's no way he would have learned all three, and there's no way he would have anywhere near a 7 in any of these. Drop them down.

 RP Sample:

 Lord Necronix walked into the cantina of Mos Eisley and looked around. He was here to recruit a bounty hunter for a mission. [this will require several bounty hunter or smuggler chracater for Necronix to recruit and hire]. 

This is not an RP Sample. A roleplay sample is an example of how you plan on writing your character; you write it like you would write a post in a thread. Take out the brackets, and give me more than two sentences of actual post. I recommend reading some of the actual in character threads to get a sense of style and also read RP Samples from Accepted bios to get an idea of what we're looking for.

I hope you will accept my application.
Thank you for your time.
-Nihilicus

Please remove this note

Final Suggestions

You need to add a lot more your to your bio. Right now it's way too short.

Lower your stats – most of them, except for the lightsaber forms, are way too high.

You're going to have to make some major adjustments to his early life – he's born on a Core World, which means he should have been with the Jedi practically from birth. Even on the other worlds, if he was over the age of 6, he would not have been trained as a full Jedi.

I STRONGLY recommend reading the bios of the other accepted Sith, Dark Jedi, and normal Jedi to get an idea of the level of information and detail that we're looking for, and especially what we're looking for in the RP samples. It's going to take a lot of work to get this bio up to snuff.

[Squee]

Ya around to work on this?

[Squee]

Moved to Incomplete. Can be moved back to Pending upon request.