Jazen Solari

[projectsunfire]

Ok FZ Knight,
You don’t know me. And you don’t know it yet, but you and I are about to become best friends, or worst enemies. But before we get to the unpleasant parts, let me drop a little disclaimer here.
First of all, to all previous moderates. I am by no means going over your heads, and I will try to incorporate your suggestions into my response. Those of you who are merely good Samaritans, do not post anymore suggestions. You’re not mods, and you do not have that trusted privilege to give advice yet. Not publicly anyway. If you want to advise someone Via Pm you are by all means allowed to do so. However do not clutter up the App thread with None Mod advice. It does not matter how correct your advice may be.
Now for FZknight. The mods give their suggestions and advice based on some predictable, and reasonable factors. They are not there to argue against you. To the contrary they are there to ensure that your RP experience, and the other members RP experience is fun and entertaining.
“Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more” –W. Shakespear (Henry IV)
Appearance:
1.) Fix: Padi hair in this era is trimmed cut short, just like Obi Wan, and Anakins in the prequels.
2.) Fix: Mechanics in this paragraph need some flow work. Read it out loud to someone.
Cool pic.
Bio:
3.) Fix: “Questioning her about what she knew about her family, he found out her father had been a Jedi who had abandoned the Order to be with a woman he had fallen, her mother.” This sentence needs work.
4.) Fix: The Mandalorians Do not hate the Jedi. Why do people seem to think this? Yes they have fought wars. But if you have ever played KOTOR 1 and 2 Canderous Ordo talks at length about how he respected Revan and the other Jedi that fought against them in the wars. They see Jedi as a dangerous and worthy opponent. Not a hated enemy.
5.) Fix: “Although still too young to fully understand what they meant, Jazen remembered the word only one word from the conversation: Jedi.” This sentence needs work.
6.) Fix: “Two years later, the first event that would shape his life occurred. His father was to head off on a mission off world, one that would be quick, easy and would make him some easy money for his family.” This sentence needs work.
7.) Fix: “Two years later, the first event that would shape his life occurred. His father was to head off on a mission off world, one that would be quick, easy and would make him some easy money for his family. He brought his wife along as she wanted to make sure her skills were still sharp, intending to leave Jazen with a family friend while they were away. While preparing their ship, they did not notice little Jazen, who snuck into the ship while playing with the other children. The job indeed was simple: a man had stolen money and a holo-cube from a corrupt politician and the politician hired them to catch him and bring him back before he could get too far away. Tracking the man wasn't hard, he was obviously in a rush, his tracks clear and easy to follow. Catching up to the man, Raze dropped him with relative ease and then took the holo-cube which the man had been clinging so desperately too. Knowing better, Raze pocketed the item, intending to return it to its owner. However, the politician was unsure if they had looked at what was inside the cube and being an extremely paranoid man, who decided that he would have to get rid of the both of them to protect his secret. He also found that he could benefit from this as well. He contacted the Jedi through one of his innocent assistants, as to hide the fact that he was wicked. He had the assistant inform them of a pair of bounty hunters that were heading out to assassinate a fellow politician who was preventing them from reaching a planet they wished to occupy. The Jedi were unsure at first, but sensing the man was not lying, they sent a master and his padawan to investigate, while the politician sent his own contracted men to kill the man. Right after this, he contacted the pair again and told them of a huge bounty(which he had just then placed) on the same politician.” This paragraph needs to be looked over and the mechanics need to be addressed.
8.) Fix: “It was in this moment that the Jedi arrived and assumed he had committed the crime, as the evidence was heavily against him.” Jedi do not assume anything. Consider how long it takes Jedi to realize anything. They are naturally inquisitive.
9.) Comment: You need to go over this bio and work on the mechanics. Research cultures, and don’t make assumptions yourself. Do not make plot device for convenience sake.
As of now this App is not approved. PM me when you think it’s ready again.

[Jazen]

Made the edits you requested.

[projectsunfire]

First off, I took the liberty of changing the (finished) tag to (WIP) cause that's what this app is until its ready. You can change it to finished when its approved.

Round 2>

Appearance-

1) Black combat suits are not part of the traditional Jedi load out, and its definitely not something a Padawan would have, regardless of what cultural past he may have.

Bio-

2) "Intending to have a family friend babysit Jazen with while they were away, he snuck out of site and onto his parents ship." This sentence has a grammatical error and a spelling error.

3) "Upon arriving, Raze quickly dealt with his assigned target, killing the man before he had a chance to speak a work." work or word?

4) "Trying to flee, he found noticed that the only exit was the way he and the Jedi had entered, the other way sealed off somehow." Fix this sentence.

5) "They countered, which forced him to fight against both Jedi but was unable to overtake them, resulting in his body being heavily injured and knocked out." Fix this sentence.

6) "While the Jedi had been tracking the ship, he politician's men had been observing from another building and after informing the man that they had captured the Mando instead of killing him, he told them to remove them all." Fix this sentence.

7) "His wife told Jazen to hid in the ship, while she ran to her injured husband." Tense mistake "hid, hide" fix please.

8) You need to mention the cybernetic Eye in the appearance.

9) "Although he got along fine with other students, he preferred to keep to himself, either to study or wonder about why he knew nothing about his younger years." fix this sentence.

Fix this stuff in the Bio and its done.

Lightsaber forms-

10) Raise Ataru to 2, and give him 2 more points in a form of your chooseing.

These are the last things I will ask you to change. As long as you don't try to slip anything in under my nose. Otherwise you have 10 issues to fix, and then you'll be ready for approval.

Good work.

[Jazen]

Okay, made the requested changes.

Question though - for #10, you asked me to change Ataru to 2 and add two points to another style. Ataru was already at 2, so I may have done this wrong, but I added one to Shi Cho and one to Ataru. Is that okay?

[projectsunfire]

Nah, I actually meant raise Ataru a point and add 2 points to whatever style/s you please.

[Jazen]

Ah, edited as such then.

[projectsunfire]

As of now this character is approved for public consumption. Good luck out there.

[Jazen]

Public consumption? Sounds fun. XD Thanks.

[Meira]

Jazen had chosen to try and follow the way of Ataru

After this sentence, you describe Jazen using techniques he should not have learned yet. Acrobatics are not part of Shii-Cho, and though he might express interest in Ataru, that does not mean he can use it. Take this out.

I'm going to have to disagree with PSF on lightsaber stats, at this age, I would say a 3 in Shii-Cho and a 2 in Ataru. No other forms are mentioned in the bio, so all others should be blank.

And the whole thing with his master leaving at the end still seems very vague and confusing.

I do commend you on the editing of his transition from Mando to Jedi life.

[Jazen]

Edited that area and made the requested stat changes as well.

As for the Master thing, I don't know what else to do there. Best way I can explain it is his Master planned to leave the Order but wanted Jazen to have nothing to do with it. Therefore, he lied to him about it. That's pretty much it. If you have any advice for that area, I'll gladly take it to make that area more understandable.

And thanks. Most of it was because of Ashi's help for the Mando/Jedi thing and to my friend for helping me with my grammar.

[Meira]

*shrugs*


APPROVED

[Jazen]

Hey there. I have some adjustments/add on's I would like to add to my profile, which are listed and written below.

1.Age to 17(and a half)

2. Modification to Appearance: As of recent events, Jazen now has a scar on the left side of his head, descending from the upper part of his forward to rest just above his left eye. Several scars from his recent torture on Umgul still remain; one from his left shoulder down to his mid back, along with one that crosses from his chest up to his lower neck.

3.Bio modification: Not long after Jazen lost his first master, a new one was assigned to him. Jazen met his new master, Locke Nemsee, within the temples vast training halls. It didn't take long for both Jazen and Locke to become acquainted with one another, although it took a battle of sabers and wits for them to accept one another fully. Despite losing to his new master, Jazen found the event enlightening in a way and looked forward to learning what his new and very high spirited master had to teach him.

It didn't take long for Jazen and Locke to head out on missions together, the first of which was a trip to the planet Alderaan about a month after their first meeting. Upon request, they headed to the planet to take a young Arkanian by the name of Blanche into Jedi protection. Blanche, a translator for the a local Hutt, had escaped and offered them information in exchange for the protection the Jedi could afford. Along with his master were two other Jedi, another Padawan and Master combination. However, they were forced to leave the task to Jazen and Locke as another matter called for their attention. It didn't take long for Jazen and Locke to not only discover her whereabouts but learn that they weren't the only ones looking for her. After a disastrous first meeting and rescue attempt at an Alderaan University, Jazen and Locke separated in order to track the woman and a bounty hunter that had taken her. After a harrowing chase through the city, which included one bounty hunter leaving her only to be take by another, both Jedi faced the remaining hunter atop a spaceport bridge. Luckily, due to Jazen's quick thinking, Locke's combat skills and a fluke from Blanche herself, the situation was resolved. As they returned home, Jazen realized the mission had strained both his physical and mental abilities. He would need to change that for next time.

A chance to test himself came again a few months later, this time in the form of the Jedi group calling itself the Blades. The group, filled with Jedi and Military alike, wanted to engage the Sith who had suddenly emerged directly, instead of waiting peacefully like the Order wished. Locke wished to join the Blades and asked his apprentice if he wanted to still follow him. Despite some initial conflict, Jazen chose to follow his master into the Blades, hoping that by joining them he could not only overcome his shortcomings, but learn from the other Jedi within it. Their first battle came shortly thereafter, on the icy world of Rhen Var. Sith and Blades members clashed in a violent showing of lightsabers, blasters and ships. Within the icy temple, Jazen waited with his master for the sith to arrive and after a tense period of waiting, were rushing headlong into battle. Lost amongst the chaos, Jazen was quickly separated from Locke and was forced to hold his own against Sith and soldiers alike. During this event, Locke suddenly emitted distress, distracting Jazen for a moment, which led to a him taking a serious head injury. Despite the injury, Jazen continued onward to find his master, fighting through whoever dared cross his path.

Downtime after the battle allowed Jazen some time to think about his actions on Rhen Var. A month passed, plenty of time to recover and ponder. A newly acquired scar would serve as his reminder to what happens to those who allow themselves to be distracted so easily in battle. Unfortunately for Jedi during a wartime, peace often didn't last long and Jedi were often called upon. In this case, an investigation of a series of kidnappings on Umgul. Along with Jazen and Locke, another Jedi Knight was dispatched to the planet, by the name of Gabriel Alaris. Shortly after arriving on the planet, all three Jedi noticed something was amiss; some dark being who's presence they could not sense. Still, they had a mission to accomplish and if this presence wanted itself to be known, it would probably do so eventually.

The mission started out normally enough aside from that. The three Jedi landed on the mist covered planet and made their way to Umgul City to meet their contact for the mission. Since the mist prevented vision in almost any direction, Jazen spread the Force out around him, a second set of eyes that would spot any that entered its reach. It didn't take them long to reach their destination and meet a young woman who appeared to be the contact. She ushered them through the streets to a speeder that would take them to their destination; the small village of Kriezna. The woman, who chose to name herself Roua, explained what she could of the kidnappings, or at least what she knew. She also enjoyed toying with all three of them, via seductive glances and humbling words. What caught Jazen's attention about her, however, was that she gave almost no feeling to the Force. He could not read her emotions and he could barely feel her presence even though she was not two feet from him. Gabe and Locke had felt it too, but decided to discover the reason for it later.

And that's when the mission took a terrible turn. Shortly after arriving and beginning their investigation into the kidnappings, all three Jedi were ambushed by unknown assailants and taken captive. When Jazen awoke, he was bound by the hands and legs by energy binding's, stretching him out in a star shape. His upper clothing had been removed, along with his footwear and tools. His Master and Gabe were bound as well, but with their arms and legs behind their back and to the wall, facing his back. Their captors, who revealed themselves as Dark Jedi, intended to prove themselves to the Sith leader by providing information about the Jedi: information they hoped the three of the them would provide. The three Dark Jedi knew that the older Knights would be better trained against pain and harder to break. But Jazen would be a much easier mark and through his pain, they might weaken the older knights.

And so, for the next day or so, the Dark Jedi pummeled Jazen with many methods of torture, both physical and mental. The whipped him, beat him, burned him, usually all in succession. They would let him tap into the Force, briefly, for strength, then continue the attacks until he broke free of its grip again. More painful than the physical beating they bestowed upon him was the mental torture. Jedi and Sith alike, on occasion, have broken someone's mind by attempting to influence a stronger one. All three Dark Jedi attempted it on Jazen. The pain of being attacked mentally by three Force probes almost drove Jazen insane and despite his best attempts, he could not help himself from screaming out in pain. It was at this point that he broke for a moment, offering to give them whatever information he could in exchange for the pain to stop. The three Dark Jedi, pleased with themselves, told him they would stop the pain but only if he picked which of the two other Jedi would take his place. Unknown to them, Locke had managed to weaken one of the couplers that powered Jazen's binding's, leaving it weak enough for the young Jedi to break it.

Rage and anger swelled within Jazen as he snapped his hand free while the three Dark Jedi were laughing on Locke and Gabe, who had provided a distraction for him to break free. His lightsaber flew to him and within seconds he was free. And the three Dark Jedi never knew what hit him. Consumed by hate and fueled by the memory of what they had done to him, Jazen snapped. The first fell before he could even realize what happened, Jazen's saber cleaving him in two. Locke and Gabe freed themselves during this moment, although Jazen was so lost in his mind that he didn't notice it at all. The second Dark Jedi spun to face him while the third tended to the now free Jedi Knights. The next few moments were nothing but a blur to Jazen, who lashed out with ferocious strikes at the man. The Dark Jedi did his best to counter Jazen but was overwhelmed by the fury he had awoke and soon lay beside his ally on the floor, his head on the other side of the room. The third Dark Jedi had been subdued by Gabe, while Locke tried to snap Jazen back to himself. Unable to tell friend from foe in his rage, Jazen attacked his Master with the same fury he had used on their captors. After a brief but intense duel, Locke managed to subdue Jazen and snap his mind back to the here and now.

The days that followed the event were hell for Jazen. His touch with the Dark Side haunted him, not because he had let himself slip into it, but because he had enjoyed it. He had killed without mercy, had lost sight of all those around him and had even attacked his own Master. The thought that he could have hurt or even possibly killed Locke because of this weighed heavy on Jazen. Locke, unsure of how to handle his Padawan's problem, brought him back to the temple for training, hoping to find an answer in the calm.

4. Got the idea from other bios to add in stuff for certain skills, like languages. So here goes. (can only do languages till I advance more)

Languages ((Jazen studies other cultures and species in his spare time, allowing him some knowledge into their native tongue))

Rodese - 2
Twi'leki - 1
Huttese - 2
Durese - 3

[Kella]

Everything looks good! Except, well, for the fact that Blanche was his translator, not a dancer. If she heard you call her a dancer, she'd probably kill you. >.>

But anyway! Just a little technicality, and it's an easy enough misconception, (dun tell her I said that), that I'll letcha get away with it, though 'twould be wonderful if you'd fix it for continuity's sake.

And for policy's sake, the language thing is fine, since we don't have anything against adding extra sections to the bio -- However, be aware that the stats won't hold any official weight in RP, and are, of course, only for reference.

Oh, and you're cool on those as long as the scale is 1-10. :3

Therefore, you revisions are deemed approved!

[Jazen]

Love ya Kella. Thanks. (Ill make that correction, my bad D:)

[Kella]

Accepted Stats:

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho - 3
Makashi - N/A
Soresu - N/A
Ataru - 2
Shien / Djem So -N/A
>>Sub-form Backhanded - N/A
Niman - N/A
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield - N/A
Juyo - N/A
Double Bladed Combat - N/A

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 4
Telepathic: 2
Body: 4
Sense: 5
Protection: 3
Healing: 2
Destruction: N/A
Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 5
Intelligence: 4
Speed: 5
Leadership: 3

Unarmed: 6
Melee Weapons: 5
Ranged Weapons: N/A

Force Attunement: 3

[Jazen]

Sense to 5

Unarmed to 6

[Kella]

Approved Stats Updated. :3

[Jazen]

Edited in a lightsaber image.