Post by Talau the Ever-Lurking on Feb 5, 2009 17:47:50 GMT -5
"awaiting upon above Coruscant was bombarded by a small Sith battalion."
I still don't think that the sith would attack any ships above coruscant...not yet...change the planet to a different one please and that will be all fixed. (actually, try to pick a planet that wouldn't be in the middle of Republic Territory...because an attack like that could be considered an act of war....and obviously, we're only getting to a war now)
"The Dark Jedi swung his saber in a large flurry of, one strike that hadn’t been dodged by Tyler slashed him right across the jaw. This enraged Tyler and he pounced on the unsuspecting DJ, causing them both to tumble to the ground. Tyler repeatedly slugged the man in the face, until his jaw was dislocated. Tyler got up, picked up the DJ’s saber which he had dropped, and plunged it through his skull. He got into an escape pod, and rode it down onto the Planet below."
sorry, but this whole thing is just unlikely. a normal person would barely be able to keep up with a jedi, if even that was possible, unless the jedi (dark jedi..whatever) was toying with them. He more than likely would have received much more damage, especially considering he has an injured side. if you need a reference, I rp'ed something similar to this on Manaan with my force sensitive major and even SHE barely stood a chance.
swrponline2.proboards107.com/index.cgi?board=manaan&action=display&thread=2493
also, the beginning of your thought was cut off just before your comma...fix that please.
"because they were practically SW versions of Neo Nazis and Anarchists. "
stay in character.
"shot down by an automated air defense turret,"
I doubt that mercs would have such a thing. 1) funding. 2) they wouldn't have had time to BUILD it.
"The Freighter landed in the ocean, just off the coast where the Mercenaries were. His unconscious body nearly drowned when he reawakened, quickly responding to the situation by hauling his nearly dead men to the surface, up the beach, and into the jungle where he revived them and bandaged their wounds."
If he were unconscious and had nearly drown, he wouldn't be able to rescue any of his men...he would have had to fight to save his own life, compounded with the fact that one would not have enough strength or oxygen in the body to swim with his own body weight, plus the dead weight of another member of the crew. If he had been able to start immediately, this might have been possible. I suggest revising this paragraph with that in mind.
A few other things:
why are the mercs in a building? they wouldn't have had time to build one and the wookies didn't have buildings like that.
why don't you mention getting married? you would think it would be a happy part in his life, but the first time you mention having a wife is at the end when she announces she's pregnant...we're all left wondering..."wait, what? Since when was HE married?"
Also, I dont think that they would have bumped him two ranks for that little mission...that should have been a 'day in the life' type of mission. I could deal with one rank, but two?...I don't think so.
I still don't think that the sith would attack any ships above coruscant...not yet...change the planet to a different one please and that will be all fixed. (actually, try to pick a planet that wouldn't be in the middle of Republic Territory...because an attack like that could be considered an act of war....and obviously, we're only getting to a war now)
"The Dark Jedi swung his saber in a large flurry of, one strike that hadn’t been dodged by Tyler slashed him right across the jaw. This enraged Tyler and he pounced on the unsuspecting DJ, causing them both to tumble to the ground. Tyler repeatedly slugged the man in the face, until his jaw was dislocated. Tyler got up, picked up the DJ’s saber which he had dropped, and plunged it through his skull. He got into an escape pod, and rode it down onto the Planet below."
sorry, but this whole thing is just unlikely. a normal person would barely be able to keep up with a jedi, if even that was possible, unless the jedi (dark jedi..whatever) was toying with them. He more than likely would have received much more damage, especially considering he has an injured side. if you need a reference, I rp'ed something similar to this on Manaan with my force sensitive major and even SHE barely stood a chance.
swrponline2.proboards107.com/index.cgi?board=manaan&action=display&thread=2493
also, the beginning of your thought was cut off just before your comma...fix that please.
"because they were practically SW versions of Neo Nazis and Anarchists. "
stay in character.
"shot down by an automated air defense turret,"
I doubt that mercs would have such a thing. 1) funding. 2) they wouldn't have had time to BUILD it.
"The Freighter landed in the ocean, just off the coast where the Mercenaries were. His unconscious body nearly drowned when he reawakened, quickly responding to the situation by hauling his nearly dead men to the surface, up the beach, and into the jungle where he revived them and bandaged their wounds."
If he were unconscious and had nearly drown, he wouldn't be able to rescue any of his men...he would have had to fight to save his own life, compounded with the fact that one would not have enough strength or oxygen in the body to swim with his own body weight, plus the dead weight of another member of the crew. If he had been able to start immediately, this might have been possible. I suggest revising this paragraph with that in mind.
A few other things:
why are the mercs in a building? they wouldn't have had time to build one and the wookies didn't have buildings like that.
why don't you mention getting married? you would think it would be a happy part in his life, but the first time you mention having a wife is at the end when she announces she's pregnant...we're all left wondering..."wait, what? Since when was HE married?"
Also, I dont think that they would have bumped him two ranks for that little mission...that should have been a 'day in the life' type of mission. I could deal with one rank, but two?...I don't think so.
