Post by Talau the Ever-Lurking on Apr 11, 2010 22:56:52 GMT -5
She’d listened silently as he spoke and had to admit that he had a point. A sigh escaped her and she watched him prepare to leave, and then begin to walk away. If he stepped out that door…what then? The confused woman lowered her head a bit and closed her eyes, reaching out to the force as well as looking within.
Scared…I…I suppose I am. I don’t know what might come of this or if it’s right. I'm confused and lost, Theron, and everything is so unclear that I don’t even know what feels right to me any more…not fully.
One hand reached up to grip the opposite upper arm as her eyes gazed, unfocused, at the soft cream-colored carpet. She didn’t bother turning to face him this time, if he left she would know it, but so far he hadn’t…so far. Carefully she kept her emotions quiet…just enough for him to sense if he chose, without being overbearing. Sihara herself was testing them, sifting through them still, to try and figure out just what she wanted…to sort out just how she felt.
I didn’t mean to have it sound like I was attempting to make a decision for you…I just…I am concerned about you, Therron…I…care about you and I only know how I feel now, all the turmoil my leaving the Order has left me in. I just don’t want you to feel the same thing…it isn’t a pleasant feeling. It…hurrts...but, maybe you’rre already feeling that by staying. I don’t know…
I just know that I…I don’t want you to leave…especially not because my fearr made me foolishly drrive you away.
For another few moments she stood like that, working to accept the still loitering pain from leaving the Order, as well as the new and slightly unexpected fear that came from her feelings for Theron and the fact that she might well have succeeded in pushing him away. That had been her original intention, after all, hadn’t it? To push him away to help him stay with the Jedi and (hopefully) with the light? Yes…that had been the intention…why, then, did the thought that it might have worked hurt her so? Because she cared about him…she didn’t WANT to push him away, but some part of her mind had told her it would be better for him even if it hurt her…so she’d followed through with it. Now that he was at the door, prepared to leave and not look back…she was having second thoughts.
Frustration roiled through her…frustration at herself and the whole situation. There were a great many emotions she dealt with daily, ones she could accept, and deal with, and understand…even love…but that was love for a padawan, and compassion…love for others as a whole…not this. She didn’t understand this…this kind of deep caring, like what she felt for Theron, it made no sense to her and made her act stupidly, and say stupid things…things that made no sense. Her pushing him away was the best example of that: it made no sense and was foolish. He was certainly more than capable of understanding what might or might not be right for him…obviously more so than she was capable of doing for herself. Yes, Sihara was certainly beginning to have doubts about if she knew in the slightest what was good for her. That brought one, rueful, chuckle and a slight shake of her head as she rubbed her upper arm a few times.
Forrgive me forr acting so foolishly Therrron…
Slowly that trill had started to work its way back into her words without her even noticing it as she slowly worked at accepting her emotions, and laying out the truth of them (as best she could at the moment) for Theron. Dusky red features remained closed off, an almost stony neutral though her eyes glinted oddly from time to time as she shifted her weight. If he was going to leave, she wouldn’t stop him…Sihara knew she would want to, that all of her would beg her to stop him, but she wouldn’t. Some mistakes couldn’t be undone, the togruta woman just hoped that he had caught her mistake before too much damage had been done…that even a little of it could be reversed.