Scowie

[caedus]

Thank you

[Jace]

1.

As they descended down to the planets surface they noticed that the planet was covered in ice

FYI, Ziost is still covered in forests, the ice age hasn't happened yet in our timeline

2.

700 men and women to become one of the most feared beings in the galaxy

700 people? really? I don't think so. Hes skill more people than a bunch of tanks could. When a man kills one person he is hunted by the police, he kills 5+ it most likely goes federal, 10+ and hes most likely got Jedi trouble. He may be talented but hes not going to stop that many Jedi, and nowhere near killing 700 people.

3.

He is a minotaur of sorts

errrr there are no minotaurs in star wars

4.

he used force lightning to hurt him.

Uhh sorry you said he learned Force lightning when he was 13...yeah thats not happening.

5.

lightning had transformed over the years, it had taken a purple color

Uhh sorry no purple lightning, stick to the regular lightning.

6.Alright that whole middle bit where you just put it in quotes and started writing first person. Get rid of that. Go back through and write it all in 3rd person.

7. Bring Makashi and Shien both down to 2 considering he started lightsaber training years after a normal jedi would.

8.You need to make a different RP sample, you can't pull the same stuff from your bio.

[caedus]

Im sorry for the trouble but can this character be moved to inactive for a bit because I have a lot to fix and school is crazy at the moment so he wont be done probaly for a couple weeks........

Thanks, Caedus

[Mara]

Moved per request.

[caedus]

Ok finally have tiime to work on him, theres a couple questions though. The seven hundred ppl dead from the bounty hunter is kinda over zealous but I do think it should be at the most 100 because in a lifetime of killing there are many instances that would be suitable for him to kill many weaker civilians at a time or something. And one moe thing, the purple lightning doesnt seem so far fetched in my point of view, there are many cases of purple lightning around but still it os something I will change, I jjust wanted to personalize him a bit

Thank you for the tips ill try having him done within the next two hours

[caedus]

Whew, I think its all cleared up but if there is anything else regarding the character then please by all means share it. I only want this character to be great.

[Jace]

<Approved>

[sparrow]

Moving in Inactive.