GE3 Series Protocol Droid

[Adobi-Wan Kenobi]

Class name: GE3 Series Protocol Droid
Faction: Fringe
Manufacturer: Czerka Corporation/Rebuilt by Zett Rem.
Classification: Protocol Droid
Purpose: Protocol Droid/Aide.

Dimensions
Height: 1.753m
Weight: 90.718kg

Power Source: Rechargeable Power-cell

Movement type: Bipedal

Number of limbs: 4
Arms: Two Arms.
Legs: Two legs.
Other: N/A
Armor: Blast Resistant Durasteel thickness 1.27cm

Armaments:N/A
Other Equipment:
Audio recorder
Com-link


Description:
Looks like a normal Protocol Droid of its time painted Black.
It does have parts that are not Black due to Zett Rem built him from spare parts,
Zett Rem also gave him the name (Shadow).
Zett found him on a jawa sandcrawer, the jawas were selling the main part off and Zett decided that it was in good shape so he fixed it after some looking around for spare sarts he was inded able to fix it up.

Is also capable of some tech feats,such as programing,repair,tech as well as some building.
he can also translate many languages.


this is a link to a droid the one he looks like

swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=civ&action=display&thread=12462

[A®heim]

Protocol droids in this time still came in all sorts of different sizes and exciting new colors and flavors, need some description of images here.

Armor thickness.

METRIC

And since this is Czerka, we need to call our resident Czerka president--XINDEEEEEER!


He'll come.


Eventually.

[Vipervertical]

Czerka has arrived.



The height and weight still need to be changed to metric.

Why is its purpose "recycle?" Does it find materials to recycle? Does it have a furnace built in for this purpose?

So it's mostly black with a mishmash of other parts from modifications and repairs? Alright.

What's the purpose of the night vision lens? Why was that installed?

Uh, get some of this stuff done and I can approve it from the Czerka side.

[A®heim]

Wow that was quick.

[Adobi-Wan Kenobi]

hows this

[Vipervertical]

Still no explanation of the night vision lens, which would NOT be standard equipment.

The description of why its purpose is classified as recycle is a little awkward. It looks like you tried to explain it, but the wording is too confusing. Can you try and clean up the language in the description?

[Adobi-Wan Kenobi]

ok i did what you askedf i think and no more night vision

[Vipervertical]

Just a little neatness thing, you've got a random slash at the end of the class name, as if you were going to add an alternate name. Unless the slash is part of the class name or something...

Alright, you cleaned up the description a little. It looks a little better, could still use some work making it proper spelling and grammar, but I guess that's not what I'm here to grade. What I do see is an explanation on why its purpose is to recycle. Unfortunately, it's a little weak. Did Zett rebuild it/program it for this purpose? Or is it just a thing it does because he asks every once in a while?

If I'm perfectly honest, I'd recommend just taking "recycle" out of the purpose section. It's too difficult to explain and it can do the things you want as part of the "aide" feature, since gathering the materials is mainly to aid Zett, no?

Getting closer now. Hopefully these'll be the last changes you need to make.

[Adobi-Wan Kenobi]

ok hows is that did i mess something?

[Vipervertical]

Back again. Sorry this took so long. I've been busy/distracted.

Jul 27, 2011 14:24:29 GMT -5 Adobi-Wan Kenobi said:

Purpose: Protocol Droid/Aide/cooking

I don't remember seeing cooking in there before. For it to have cooking as a purpose, it would (again) have to have been programmed to cook.

Again, I'll recommend you simply remove it from the purpose. If it's important to you, add an explanation for why it can cook in the description.

Jul 27, 2011 14:24:29 GMT -5 Adobi-Wan Kenobi said:

Description:
Looks like a normal Protocol Droid of its time.
painted Black. It dose have parts that are not Black due to Zett Rem built him from spare parts.
Named (Shadow) By Zett Rem.
the Purpose if and when asked he finds scrap from trash cans when Zett is away from home and brings it back to Zett when he gets back.
Zett and the droids rebuild things out of it.
it's is kind of Zetts hobby.
Is also capeable of some tech feats.
can translate Wookie'Jawa'hutt due to Zett grew up on the planets that are related.

Alright, gonna have to put in a few complaints. First off, there's some issues with spelling and grammar. I'd highly recommend you put this thing through a word processor to find spelling mistakes. In fact, the site itself has a spell check button under the posting box. It would really clean the thing up. It won't check for grammar, however, which you also have a problem with. Minor mistakes here and there aren't noticeable, but the amount you have here make it difficult to understand what you're trying to say. Run over it with a fine tooth comb over what you learned in English class. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to look...understandable.

That said, I'll review what I can understand of it. It appears you left the bit about recycling in there. It can stay, I suppose, but it would need to be cleaned up better. I'd recommend just remove it entirely and mention it in-character at some point. It just doesn't seem worthy of mention here.

Saying the droid is capable of tech feats is useless information. Describe what kind of tech feats it is capable of and why.

I'll presume the last sentence is meant to say "It can translate Shryiiwook, Jawaese, and Huttese because Zett grew up on planets where these languages were commonly spoken."

A quick Wookieepedia search brought me the names of those languages in ten seconds flat. Sometimes it pays to do a bit of research. It makes no sense for the droid to understand these languages just because its master grew up on planets it was spoken. However, it being a protocol droid means it is only natural that it knows many, many languages. As such, the mere fact that it is a protocol droid makes this sentence superfluous. Just take it out to avoid confusion.

Getting closer to the end here and things are getting a little harder. With a little elbow grease, this should be done pretty quickly and easily. Good luck.

[Adobi-Wan Kenobi]

ok i did a little bit of work to it is this all or did i mess something?

[Vipervertical]

Looking better now. Description is still where most of the problems lie. There's still a lot of grammar mistakes (mostly fragmented sentences) and a few spelling problems which make it hard to read, however. I'll work with what I can.

Jul 27, 2011 14:24:29 GMT -5 Adobi-Wan Kenobi said:

Description:
Looks like a normal Protocol Droid of its time.
painted Black.
It dose have parts that are not Black due to Zett Rem built him from spare parts.
Named (Shadow) By Zett Rem.

This whole bit here could be easily put into a single sentence. If it were, it would read a lot better and look much more organized.

Jul 27, 2011 14:24:29 GMT -5 Adobi-Wan Kenobi said:

the Purpose if and when asked he finds scrap from trash cans when Zett is away from home and brings it back to Zett when he gets back.
Zett and the droids rebuild things out of it.
it is is kind of Zetts hobby.

This doesn't seem at all important enough to put here. Like I said before, it would make the most sense to just take out this extraneous information and mention at some point during an rp.

Jul 27, 2011 14:24:29 GMT -5 Adobi-Wan Kenobi said:

Is also capable of some tech feats.
such as programing and can build some small bits of almost any thing with the help of a blueprint.
he can also translate many languages.

The tech feats part is fine, but I'd like to see you put it into a single sentence rather than split into the awkward fragments it is now.

It may seem like I'm being too rough on you right now, but I'm really not seeing much effort into making this work. Show me what you can really do.

[Adobi-Wan Kenobi]

I am trying as hard as i can but i am doing quitea bit and i am haveing a hard time understanding but how is this.

[Vipervertical]

Here we go again...

Jul 27, 2011 14:24:29 GMT -5 Adobi-Wan Kenobi said:

Description:
Looks like a normal Protocol Droid of its time painted Black.
It dose have parts that are not Black due to Zett Rem built him from spare parts,
Zett Rem also gave him the name (Shadow).

I suppose this is passable. I can understand what you're trying to say here, so that's good. It could look a little neater, though. Still at least one obvious spelling error, and I'm not looking for those.

Jul 27, 2011 14:24:29 GMT -5 Adobi-Wan Kenobi said:

Is also capable of some tech feats.
such as programing,repair,tech as well as some building.

Again, please make this a single sentence. It's just jarring to see it split so awkwardly like that.

Now, I'm gonna make this a little harder here because I've noticed one problem here. From what I understand, this droid is a unique model. Originally a stock Czerka protocol droid, but salvaged and repaired with nonstandard parts. This creates questions that weren't answered in your description.

I'd like to see you add a single paragraph to the description explaining how the droid fell into Zett's hands in the first place. Where was it before? Where did he find it? Why did he decide to fix it up? It shouldn't be too hard, just a quick little paragraph to shed some light.

And please, make it neat and legible the first time. Fractured sentences and awkward linebreaks make it really hard to read. I'd hate to hold you up over something so silly.

[Adobi-Wan Kenobi]

i think i did what you want i did not see the error tho could you point it out?