Gharassk Ran

[Adobi-Wan Kenobi]

Name:
Gharassk Ran

Race:
Togruta

Age:
17

Height:
5ft 7in

Weight:
114lbs

Appearance:

Gharassk Ran is a Scarlet Red Togruta who like many Togrutas has a hate for foot wear. Has no scars due to the fact that he has not been on to many dangerous missions. He is not too skinny but he's not fat in truth just about the right size for his own body.

His Robes are Blue Grey in color and when he has to wear Boots
they are knee high and a slightly darker Blue then his Robes.
His "montrals" are not as long as others due to them not being full grown yet.


Personality:
Gharassk Ran is a very honorable young Padawan who will listen to almost any order of almost any one who has a higher rank. He will almost always be found in the Jedi library studying when not doing any thing else.

Relaxing is often found on the back burner for him as most of his time if not studying he is working with his lightsaber training. Work and training take most of his time.


Birth place:
Shili

Faction:
Jedi Order

Rank:
Padawan

Light-saber:
Gharassk's lightsaber is a single blade, single phase light saber.


Color:
Teal Blue.

Practiced Light saber forms:

Shii-Cho 3
Makashi 1
Soresu 1
Ataru 0
Shien / Djem So 0
>>Sub-form Backhanded 0
Niman 0
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield 0
Juyo 0
Double Bladed Combat 0

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 4
Telepathic: 2
Body: 2
Sense: 3
Protection: 3
Healing: 2
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 4
Intelligence: 5
Speed: 6
Leadership: 2

Unarmed: 2
Melee Weapons: 3
Ranged Weapons: 1

Force Attunement:
+3


Bio:

1-10 (Birth)

Gharassk Rans Birth was as normal as any, with only one thing wrong, both mother and father were Force Sensitive, although the father did not know he was but the mother did, she was a former Jedi Knight, kicked out of the order for her slowly falling in love with Gharassk's father. She and he had met on one of her missions he as an informant and from that point on he was an informant many more times after that, but, soon they started to meet alone and soon she began to drift from the ways of the Jedi. His father was a traveling Cargo Merchant who also was a great smuggler, and at times did do smuggling, so would often be away from home and would bring the family on some of the cargo missions.

After a while his parents did settle down on Shili, their own home world and they wanted it to be Gharassk's home as well, though he was almost born off-world coming home from one trip to the planet of Nar Shadda just a cargo run. On the way back she went into labor and got a quick escort down to planet and straight to the ER.


More then once Gharassk's mother had to pull him out from a tree, or a bush, or a wasp hive, or out of a cave. He was an explorer and no matter where he was in the galaxy it was home and not scary. Gharassk often got to go with his father on his trips around the galaxy the farthest with him was to Kashyyyk, which was a cargo run to a family of travelers that ran low on supplies on Kashyyyk.

Gharassk's mother wanted him to someday become a Jedi so she allowed him to be taken into the order of the Jedi. Gharassk's family of three went on a trip that led them to Coruscant, where Gharassk would be taken in be the Jedi order who already knew about him being a force sensitive due to him being born on Shili and the doctors takeing his midi chlorian count. He was about 4 years old at this point.

Even though he was able to be comfortable anywhere he still needed to get used to the Temple. It was not until he was about five years old that he Finally got use to it and it began to be home to Gharassk.

His time of youngling hood was well for Gharassk. He was a great study and student. The master that would teach the young-lings almost never had to address things the young Gharassk was not learning.

He listened well, learned fast, and studied hard. All of this helped in his being picked as a Padawan at the age of 10 by a Rodian by the name of Gwaldosa. His training at this point was good he was just starting out on the field when it came to training, most of his masters missions were only on Coruscant.

11-16 the fall of a master

Gharassk's master was a good master that taught Gharassk a lot about the force and quickly let him build a light saber at the age of 13,his saber was silver with two gold rings and tan cloth tied aroung the lower halve of the hilt. and practice even more, he was not working, he was training, he did take the time to talk with the others and not just those of his own age but of all other ages and races he did not have any prejudice of any type. but only a little time went into any thing that took away from him improving himself.

A lot of his light saber combat skill came from his self teaching from the archives, although his master pushed his training farther than it had been or ever could have been without and was still the top source. He was often brought on all his masters missions with almost any types of missions even a small gang problem in the lower levels of Coruscant that led him under cover with his master, the gang had been attacking many police, and cops using there information that they had on them for even worst things several robberies, kidnapings and even killings.

Gharassk and his master went under cover, his master as a police officer, Gharassk went in as a member wanting to join the gang, however only Gharassk got in his master was discovered and brought into the gangs hide-out as a captive it was now that Gharassk's cover was blown. It was his task to kill the 'cop' who was actually his master, but between the two of them fighting there way to the leader the problem was over soon with little fighting after the first wave of goons. all this Field training gave him great experience, and helped him on his own.

It was when he was about about 14 years old that his master was starting to drift from the light side and the Jedi Order, it was due to an old friend that his master knew, he was also now a Dark Jedi and was now meeting him on his own missions that Gharassk would not get to come and he slowly started to turn him.

As to how his master kept it from him and the Jedi Order, he had found out and was tought by his old friend how to cloak his feelings though the Jedi did start to pick up the fact that he was hiding something. though Gharassk did get to come on some missions and it was around this time that Gharassk was finding out he was hiding something from him, the Jedi council started to give Gharassk the job to spy on his master, but he could not pick up on his trail to the dark side. Gharassk did feel bad about spying on his master but took on the task without any truble for two reasons first, if his master was doing anything wrong this would be the only way to save him, and second the orders came straight from the council and they out rank his master.

Gharassk would spend his spare time in the library or seeing what other Padawans had been learning he knew quite a few of the other Padawans well. he thought of most any one around the Temple as friends along with his master not only friends, but brothers and sisters.

Around the time he was about to turn 16 years old he started to learn that his time that he was spending alone or studying was just as good as spending it with his brothers in the force, so, around this time he began spending more time out side of the study halls, and more time with his fellow Jedi.

Gharassk met several Jedi even one padawan the same age as him that had lost his master in death and was looking for a master himself. the two of them spent much time together and each one had something to teach the other, that padawan went on to join the Med corps by choise after a year of not being able to find a master.

At the middle part of him being 16 years old his master went on a mission to Corellia that finally led him to the dark side.
With many temptations and behind the councils orders his master had been breaking the code for years, what hit Gharassk even more was that his master was able to hide it from him as well. It was a mission that was to track down a Dark Jedi once the two got to the Dark Jedi Gharassk thought it was over but the Dark Jedi managed to push him to the dark side after all this time.

His master tried to turn Gharassk to the dark side as well but he would not turn. a small battle took place but Gharassk was not strong enough to take his master back nor turn him back. At the end of the fight his master won but could not call on any amount of anger to kill the boy. Garassk was able to escape then and got to a city where he bought a passage onto a ship leaving Corellia and back to Coruscant. This was the only place Gharassk thought he had failed his whole life, to him this was the only time he lost.
After he managed to escape from his former masters trap he returned to the Temple with all haste. He now had no master, no one to continue teaching him. He did not know even if he was to do something, he did not know how much of his training was right, he did not know if his master was slowly trying to train him in the dark side all along... This took a lot of an emotional toll on Gharassk.

RP Sample:

Another day on the sprawling metropolis of Coruscant...
No one caring for one another, just there own self, This was not however a normal day for Gharassk he was in the under city of the busy planet, he wished he could remember how he got here....
He remembered...... Fallowing.....Who? He could not remember any thing, was he drudged? All he knew was that were he was wasn't home at the Temple were he so badly wanted to be, for some reason. And then the door opened to three men, with guns interd. And the back of Garassks mind went blank into slow mode.
Seeing the three of the men chasing him some time yesterday.
His mind came back to were he was. To see the leader having Gharassk's light-saber on his belt.

"You boy up " The leader said with a commanding voice.

Let me go, i don't want to hurt you.
Was Gharassk's only response but the men only laughed at the boy and pulled there guns out to attack.

Gharassk simply touched the mind of the weakest of the three and tricked it into starting a fight with the other two. Then pulled the light-saber back to himself. He leaped up from off the Flore.

The Snap-Hiss of the blade that now made the dark room glow, it did not take long for the men to start to back off. Though one did try to attack by fireing the blaster off toward Gharassk. He Flicked The shot off the blade the others started to fire as well but Gharassk simply stopped those shots as well. He blocked one shot that came to his right and spun around with a swing cutting the gun in two halves then keeping the spin going did a round house kick using the force to enhance it at another who had tried to attack, the force kick sent him flying into the hall way.
The last man stepped back to charge up the stun shot on his blaster and Gharassk pulled the blaster out of the mans hands setting it off the bolt flew past Gharassk's head and he force pushed the man down the hall way into the other man.

Then three other men came into the hall way from the door that was locked Gharassk threw the saber at the door switch to make sure it did not re-lock as the saber was on the other side of the hall-way one of the men got a shot off as Gharassk was unarmed to there eyes, but to him a Jedi well in tuned with the force was never unarmed, Gharassk outstretched his hand using a force Bubble to block the shot sending it back into the man. Gharassk now called the saber to him from out of the computer cutting one of the men on its way back to Gharassk.

Gharassk had a few of the thugs try and stop him on his way to the upper levels, he took them out in a similar form. After that he had no problems getting his way back to the upper levels of the planet but had a few try to pursue him but none really wanted to. So after only a few goons he was home free back to the Temple.

[Meira]

While this character is young, we require more detail within the bio. Have a look at accepted characters around the same age to get an idea. Also, I would suggest looking at accepted stats for this age as well.

Lastly, I strongly suggest the use of a word processor to catch and correct spelling and grammar mistakes.

Post when the edits have been made.

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

Are you still working on this Zett?

[Adobi-Wan Kenobi]

Ok two things lmr
just a heads up i dont have a good word processor so i have to relly on SWUs i know but i got no choose
Second I'm adding to it little by little.
and could you point out the spots you want me to add to in the bio please?

[Adobi-Wan Kenobi]

ok iadded things to it and changed the rp sample what next?

[Iota]

Name:
Gharassk Ran

Race:
Togruta

Age:
16

Height:
5ft 7in

Weight:
114lbs

Appearance:

Gharassk Ran is an Scarlet Red Togruta who like many Togruta's has a hate for foot ware.
his Robes are Blue Grey in color and when he has to ware Boots
they are knee high and a slightly darker Blue then his Robes.
his horns are not as long as others due to them not being full grown yet.
Has no scars due to the fact that he has not been on to many dangerous missions.
He is not to<-too skinny but he's not fat in truth just about the right size for his own body.


Personality:
Gharassk Ran is a vary honorable young Padawan who will Listen to almost any order of almost any one who has a higher rank.
he will almost always be found in the Jedi library studding when not doing any thing else.
relaxing is often found on the back burner for him as most of his time if not studding working with his saber training.
work and training is most of his time.
Trys tries to please his master or who ever happens to be in charge of him.


Birth place:
Shili

Faction:
Jedi Order

Rank:
Padawan

Light-saber:
his hilt is silver with two gold stripes.
his button is bronze and has a second switch for locking it on and off.

Color:
Light blue.

Practiced Light saber forms:
okay, too many points here for his age, Schii Cho can be a five, perhaps a 2 in one form and a 1 in another form and perhaps a 1 inanother form if this jedi is combat orientated, but that is up to the moderator ultimately
Shii-Cho 3
Makashi 1
Soresu 1
Ataru 1
Shien / Djem So 1
>>Sub-form Backhanded 2
Niman 2
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield 0
Juyo 0
Double Bladed Combat 0

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:
decent enough for a lightsaber combat orientated jedi
Telekinetic: 4
Telepathic: 3
Body: 2
Sense: 2
Protection: 2
Healing: 1
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 4
Intelligence: 5
Speed: 6
Leadership: 1

Unarmed: 2
Melee Weapons: 3
Ranged Weapons: 1(uses force to add to ---2)

Force Attunement:
+5
Bio:
1-10 (Birth)


Gharassk Ran's Birth was as normal as any, with only one thing wrong,
both mother and father were Force Sensitive, although the father did not know he was but the mother did,
she was a former Jedi Knight,
kicked out of the order for her slowly falling in love with Gharassk's father.
his father was a traveling Cargo Merchant who also was a great smugler, and at times did do smugleing, so would often be away from home and would bring the family on some of the less dangerous missions.
After a wile his parent settled down on Shili there own home world and they wanted it to be Gharassk's home as well,
though he was almost born off-world coming home from one trip
to the planet of Nar-Shadda just a cargo run,
on the way back she went into labor and got a quick escort down to planet and straight to the ER.

After Birth Gharassk's family of three went on a trip that led them to Coruscant, where Gharassk would be found by the Jedi order and taken in.
His mother knew what the force was and also did not want the same fate to fall on Gharassk, of not being able to learn as much about the force as he could.
She wanted him to someday become a Jedi so she aloud allowed him to be ta kin into the order of the Jedi.

His time of young-ling hood were well for Gharassk.
He was a great study and student.
he Liston well, learned fast, and studied hard. all of this helped in his being picked as a Pedawan at the age of 10.

His training at this point was good he was just starting out on the field when it came to training, most of his masters missions were only and Coruscant.

i would say add two more paragraphs describing his younger years and perhaps write some more about the mother being kicked out of the jedi order

11-16


Gharassk's master was a good master that taught Gharassk allot about the force and quickly let him build a light saber,
and practice even more, he was not working, he was training,
he did take the time to talk with the others and not just those of his own age but of all other ages and races he did not have any prejudice of any type.

But only a little time went into any thing that took away from him improving himself. a rogue sentence? attach to previous paragraph

Most allot of his light saber combat skill came from his self teaching from the archives, although his master pushed his training farther than it had been, or ever could have been without.
He was often brought on all his masters missions with almost any types of missions even a small gang problem in the lower levels of Coruscant that led him under cover with his master
this mission was slow get the information, get in, and stop the plot This is one of few times he got to use his light-saber. go into more detail about the mission, what happened? did it go to plan? etc etc.. flesh it out more

All this Field training gave him grate Experience, helped him on his own.
Even though he had this Experience he would some times get left on the Temple on more dangerous missions.
Gharassk would spend this time in the library or seeing what other Padawans had been learning he knew quite a few of the other Padawans well.
he thought of most any one around the Temple as friends along with his master not only friends, but brothers and sisters.
towards the time he was about to turn 16 years old he started to learn that his time that he was spending alone or studying was just as good as spending it with his brothers in the force, so, around this time he began spending more time out side of the study halls, and more time with his fellow Jedi.

At the middle part of him being 16 years old his master went on a mission that led him to the dark side, hold the phone.. you need to explain what the mission was and how on earth it made a master turn.. i think it would be justified if there were perhaps two paragraphs to this bit
His master try ed to turn Gharassk to the dark side as well but he would not turn a small battle took place but Gharassk was not strong enough to take his master back nor turn him back,
this was the only place Gharassk thought he had failed his whole life, to him this was the only time he lost.
After he managed to escape from his former masters trap he returned to the Temple with all hace. haste?
He now had no master, no one to continue teaching him,
he did mot know even if he was to do something he did not know how much of his training was right, he did not know if his master was slowly trying to train him in the dark side all along.

This took allot of an emotional toll on Gharassk, he soon got over the problem, after all to him the only way to win now was to show that he was not going to turn, and the only way to do that was to become the emblem of light it self.

okay, you seemed to have skipped a year or two, you need to flesh out those years so there aren't as any gaps in the bio.

RP Sample:


Another day on the sprawling metropolis of Coruscant...
no one caring for one another, just there own self,
This was not however a normal day for Gharassk he was in the under city of the busy planet, he wish he could remember how he got here....
he remembered...... fallowing.....who?
he could not remember any thing, was he drudged?
All he knew was that were he was wasn't home at the Temple were he so badly wanted to be, for some reason.

And then the door opened to three men, with guns and the back of Garassk's mind went blank into slow mode.
Seeing the three of the men chasing him some time yesterday.
His mind came back to were he was.
to see the leader having Gharassk's light-saber on him belt.
Gharassk simply touched the mind of the weakest of the three and tricked it into starting a fight with the other two,
then pulled the light-saber back to himself.

The snap-hiss of the blade that now made the room glow it did not take long for the men to start to back off. though one did try to attack by fireing the blaster off toward Gharassk.
He Flicked The shot off the blade and swung cutting the gun in two halves.
After that he had no problems getting his way back to the upper levels of the planet and back to the Temple.okay, i would suggest adding two more paragraphs, go into detail about the fight, it is to show how you would perhaps rp this character in a fight for the moderators to determine if it is suitable, more detail the better

Also, i would go through this app word for word and check for spelling and grammar mistakes, for which there are a lot, i see you do not have word etc, so you will have to do it the hard way unfortunatley.

make the suggested changes and post when you wish to be reviewed again

[Adobi-Wan Kenobi]

ok i fixed it i hope *now my eyes hurt*

[Iota]

my notes in Green

sections i am refering to in Yellow

Name:
Gharassk Ran

Race:
Togruta

Age:
16

Height:
5ft 7in

Weight:
114lbs

Appearance:

Gharassk Ran is an Scarlet Red Togruta who like many Togruta's has a hate for foot ware.
his Robes are Blue Grey in color and when he has to ware Boots
they are knee high and a slightly darker Blue then his Robes.
his horns are not as long as others due to them not being full grown yet.
Has no scars due to the fact that he has not been on to many dangerous missions.
He is not too skinny but he's not fat in truth just about the right size for his own body.


Personality:
Gharassk Ran is a vary honorable young Padawan who will Liston to almost any order of almost any one who has a higher rank.
he will almost always be found in the Jedi library studding when not doing any thing else.
relaxing is often found on the back burner for him as most of his time if not studding working with his saber training.
work and training is most of his time.
Tries to please his master or who ever happens to be in charge of him.


Birth place:
Shili

Faction:
Jedi Order

Rank:
Padawan

Light-saber:
his hilt is silver with two gold stripes.
his button is bronze and has a second switch for locking it on and off.

Color:
Light blue.

Practiced Light saber forms:
Acceptable
Shii-Cho 5
Makashi 1
Soresu 1
Ataru 0
Shien / Djem So 1
>>Sub-form Backhanded 0
Niman 1
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield 0
Juyo 0
Double Bladed Combat 0

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:
Acceptable
Telekinetic: 4
Telepathic: 3
Body: 2
Sense: 2
Protection: 2
Healing: 1
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 4
Intelligence: 5
Speed: 6
Leadership: 1

Unarmed: 2
Melee Weapons: 3
Ranged Weapons: 1(uses force to add to ---2)

Force Attunement:
+5
Bio:

1-10 (Birth)

Okay, before i carry on you need to clean this up, it seems that when ever you finish a sentence or come across a comma, you start a new line, this is not what should be done, you should write, write and write and let it flow. Also your paragraphs are all over the place.

Gharassk Ran's Birth was as normal as any, with only one thing wrong, both mother and father were Force Sensitive, although the father did not know he was but the mother did, she was a former Jedi Knight, kicked out of the order for her slowly falling in love with Gharassk's father. She and he had met on one of her missions he as an informant and from that point he was an informant many more times after that, but, soon they started to meet alone and soon she began to drift from the ways of the Jedi.

i went to the liberty to condense the paragraphing for the first two paragraphs and made them into one, to show you what i meant... do this for all the others please.

His father was a traveling Cargo Merchant who also was a great smuggler, and at times did do smuggling, so would often be away from home and would bring the family on some of the less dangerous missions.
After a wile his parent settled down on Shili there own home world and they wanted it to be Gharassk's home as well,
though he was almost born off-world coming home from one trip
to the planet of Nar-Shad just a cargo run,
on the way back she went into labor and got a quick escort down to planet and straight to the ER.

More then once Gharassk's mother had to pull him out from a tree, or a bush, or a wasp hive, or out of a cave.
He was an explorer and no matter where he was in the galaxy it was home and not scary.

Gharassk often got to go with his father on his trips around the galaxy the farthest with him was to Kashyyyk, witch was a cargo run to a family of travelers that ran low on supplies on Kashyyk

After Birthhasn't he already been born? Gharassk's family of three went on a trip that led them to Coruscant, where Gharassk would be found by the Jedi order and taken in.

His mother knew what the force was and also did not want the same fate to fall on Gharassk, of not being able to learn as much about the force as he could.
She wanted him to someday become a Jedi so she allowed him to be taken into the order of the Jedi. Doesn't make sense, she didn't want him to have the same fate and not being able to learn aout the force.. ecven though his mother was a jedi knight?,,odd

His time of young-ling hood were well for Gharassk.
He was a great study and student.
he Liston well, learned fast, and studied hard. all of this helped in his being picked as a Padawan at the age of 10.

His training at this point was good he was just starting out on the field when it came to training, most of his masters missions were only and Coruscant.

once again it seems you have skipped a few years, it seems he joined the academy then flash, he is 10.. you mentioned what he did here and there, but it is very vague and needs filling in, 3or 4 PROPER paragraphs i would suggest.

11-16

Gharassk's master was a good master that taught Gharassk allot about the force and quickly let him build a light saber,
and practice even more, he was not working, he was training,
he did take the time to talk with the others and not just those of his own age but of all other ages and races he did not have any prejudice of any type.
But only a little time went into any thing that took away from him improving himself.

Most allot of his light saber combat skill came from his self teaching from the archives, although his master pushed his training farther than it had been, or ever could have been without.

He was often brought on all his masters missions with almost any types of missions even a small gang problem in the lower levels of Coruscant that led him under cover with his master
the gang had been attacking many police, and cops using there information that they had on them for Even worst things several robberies, killings, even kidnappings. almost makes it sound that killing some one is a lesser crime than kidnapping them? hmmm..
Gharassk and his master went under cover, him master as a officer himself, Gharassk went in as a member wanting to join the gang, however only Gharassk got in his master was discovered and brought into the gangs hide-out as a captive it was now that Gharassk's cover was blown it was his task to kill the 'cop' who was his master, between the two of them fighting there way to the leader the problem was over soon with little fighting after the first wave of goons.

At about 14 years old Gharassk was learning more about the sith war, he was also training himself,
it was also about this time that his master was starting to drift from the light side and the Jedi order, on his own missions that Gharassk would not come on he started to fall into using the dark side but still managed to keep it from the Jedi. how so? why? where? what? explain in more detail as to why he was falling, as it is a rather important event. will need 2 or 3 paragraphs, in full to describe his fall and your character's reaction and how he copes etc.

All this Field training gave him grate Experience, helped him on his own.
Even though he had this Experience he would some times get left on the Temple on more dangerous missions.
Gharassk would spend this time in the library or seeing what other Padawans had been learning he knew quite a few of the other Padawans well.
he thought of most any one around the Temple as friends along with his master not only friends, but brothers and sisters.
around the time he was about to turn 16 years old he started to learn that his time that he was spending alone or studying was just as good as spending it with his brothers in the force, so, around this time he began spending more time out side of the study halls, and more time with his fellow Jedi.

One time around the age of 15 Gharassk met several Jedi even one padawan the same age as him that had lost his master in death and was looking for a master himself.
The two of the spent much time together and each one had something to teach the other, that padawan went on to join the med corps after a year of not being able to find a master.


At the middle part of him being 16 years old his master went on a mission that led him to the dark side,
with many temptations and behind the councils orders His master had been breaking the code for years, what hit Gharassk even more was that his master was able to hide it from him as well.
same as i mentioned earlier on, how, why, what when, where? it just seemed to have happened that a master fell, which is not an every day thing.. so it must have been a big event as to whhy he fell, you need to explain this in fine detail, 2-3 paragraphs atleast

i think these sections need altering, editing and re-shaping, talks about being almost 15, to being fifteen and a half then being 16..all over the place.
His master tried to turn Gharassk to the dark side as well but he would not turn. a small battle took place but Gharassk was not strong enough to take his master back nor turn him back,
this was the only place Gharassk thought he had failed his whole life, to him this was the only time he lost.
After he managed to escape from his former masters trap he returned to the Temple with all haste.
He now had no master, no one to continue teaching him,
he did not know even if he was to do something, he did not know how much of his training was right, he did not know if his master was slowly trying to train him in the dark side all along...

This took allot of an emotional toll on Gharassk, he soon got over the problem, after all to him the only way to win now was to show that he was not going to turn, and the only way to do that was to become the emblem of light it self. a massive emotional toll you say, but he got over the problem soon? not how the mind works and even a jedi who was not properly discipline would still have slight issues for a fair while

RP Sample:

Another day on the sprawling metropolis of Coruscant...
no one caring for one another, just there own self,
This was not however a normal day for Gharassk he was in the under city of the busy planet, he wished he could remember how he got here....
he remembered...... fallowing.....who?
he could not remember any thing, was he drudged?
All he knew was that were he was wasn't home at the Temple were he so badly wanted to be, for some reason.

And then the door opened to three men, with guns and the back of Garassk's mind went blank into slow mode.
Seeing the three of the men chasing him some time yesterday.
His mind came back to were he was.
to see the leader having Gharassk's light-saber on him belt.
Gharassk simply touched the mind of the weakest of the three and tricked it into starting a fight with the other two,
then pulled the light-saber back to himself.

The snap-hiss of the blade that now made the room glow it did not take long for the men to start to back off. though one did try to attack by fireing the blaster off toward Gharassk.
He Flicked The shot off the blade and spun around with a swing cutting the gun in two halves then keeping the spin going did a round house kick using the force to enhance it at another who had tried to attack, the force kick sent him flying into the hall way.
The last man stepped back to charge up the stun shot on his blaster and Gharassk pulled the blaster out of the mans hands setting it off the bolt flew past Gharassk's head and he force pushed the man down the hall way into the other man.

Gharassk had a few of the thugs try and stop him on his way to the upper levels, after taking them out in a similar form.
After that he had no problems getting his way back to the upper levels of the planet but had a few try to pursue him but none really wanted to so after only a few goons he was home free back to the Temple. same as i stated before, flesh out the fight

You still need to sort out all the grammar and spelling and structure issues.. your sentences and paragraphs seem to be all over the place.

post when the changes have been made, then i will review the app again

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

Lightsaber forms not acceptable. Shii Cho won't be mastered for another eight years for a Padawan, so it should be a three.

[Adobi-Wan Kenobi]

OK done *breaths heavy* hows it look?

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

Drop two saber points, lower the attunement since he has little experience making moral decisions, and go through very carefully to make sure you're using correct spelling and correct words.

[Adobi-Wan Kenobi]

ok i've done some touch ups still hunting those misspelings though any way should not be to much longer

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

You've still got some wrong words in there. Vary instead of very, ware instead of wear. You'll want to check those. Also apostrophe + s =/= plural. Pet peeve of mine.

[Adobi-Wan Kenobi]

ok then dose this look any better?

[Ghostie]

Nov 4, 2011 18:11:51 GMT -5 Adobi-Wan Kenobi said:

Name:
Gharassk Ran

Race:
Togruta

Age:
16

Height:
5ft 7in

Weight:
114lbs

Appearance:

Gharassk Ran is a Scarlet Red Togruta who like many Togruta's has a hate for foot wear.
His Robes are Blue Grey in color and when he has to wear Boot's
they are knee high and a slightly darker Blue then his Robe's.
His horns are not as long as others due to them not being full grown yet.
Has no scar's due to the fact that he has not been on to many dangerous missions.
He is not too skinny but he's not fat in truth just about the right size for his own body.

Try to form this into one or two paragraphs as well. You have enough here to do it, it just needs reworked. Usually there's a paragraph for what your character looks like and what he wears.


Personality:
Gharassk Ran is a very honorable young Padawan who will Liston listen, should be lower cased. to almost any order of almost any one who has a higher rank.
He will almost always be found in the Jedi library studding when not doing any thing else.
Relaxing is often found on the back burner for him as most of his time if not studding working with his saber training work and training take most of his time.
Tries to please who ever happens to be in charge of him at that time.

Try to form this into a paragraph or two and you should be good. Just like appearance there's enough here to do it. It just needs to be reworded.


Birth place:
Shili

Faction:
Jedi Order

Rank:
Padawan

Light-saber:
His hilt is silver with two gold rings. His button is bronze and has a second switch for locking it on and off. Also the lower halve is coverd in tan cloth that is tied into a knot at the bottom of the handle and continues on for about 4 inches past the knot.
the blade is Teal Blue

Very nice job on the saber. However, check your spacing. I fixed it above to give you an example. Don't have one sentence paragraphs, it just helps to read the whole app better.

Color:
Light blue.

Practiced Light saber forms:

Looks fine to me, just make sure you says somewhere in your Bio that His master trained him in these types.

Shii-Cho 3
Makashi 1
Soresu 1
Ataru 0
Shien / Djem So 0
>>Sub-form Backhanded 0
Niman 0
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield 0
Juyo 0
Double Bladed Combat 0

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

These seem a bit low for his age (Compared to my padawan, which is the same age) Depending on what you want to focus him in, I would change these. For reference, my padawan has Two fours, two threes, and two twos. Of course, you can keep it how it is.

Telekinetic: 3
Telepathic: 3
Body: 2
Sense: 2
Protection: 3
Healing: 1
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Even for a padawan, Leadership seems low. I would bump it maybe one point. Or leave it how it is. You'r charrie can be however you want.

Physical Strength: 4
Intelligence: 5
Speed: 6
Leadership: 1

I'm not sure how using the Force to modify stats works. I know it can increase speed and strength, but attacks with a blaster? I don't think so. It doesn't make any sense for him to be trained with blasters in the first place, as he has a laser sword that cuts through almost anything, and can deflect blasters. This will need to be explained in the Bio, or probably removed (at staff's discretion.)

Unarmed: 2
Melee Weapons: 3
Ranged Weapons: 1(uses force to add to ---2)

Force Attunement:
+3
Bio:


1-10 (Birth)


Gharassk Ran's Birth was as normal as any, with only one thing wrong, both mother and father were Force Sensitive, although the father did not know he was but the mother did, she was a former Jedi Knight, kicked out of the order for her slowly falling in love with Gharassk's father. She and he had met on one of her missions he as was an informant and from that point I assume you mean 'from that point on?' he was an informant many more times after that, but, soon they started to meet alone and soon she began to drift from the ways of the Jedi
She and he had met on one of her missions he as an informant
and from that point he was an informant many more times after
that, but, soon they started to meet alone and soon she began to drift from the ways of the Jedi. Redundant. Get rid of the second paragraph. Im sure if you read it you can see.
His father was a traveling Cargo Merchant who also was a great smuggler, and at times did do smuggling, so would often be away from home and would bring the family on some of the less dangerous missions. Most missions are dangerous for a smuggler. Between the customs officials, bounty hunters, pirates, and crime lords, I wouldn't take my family on any smuggling missions.
After a wile his parents did settle down on Shili, there own home world and they wanted it to be Gharassk's home as well,
though he was almost born off-world coming home from one trip
to the planet of Nar-Shad Nar Shadda. No hyphen needed, but it could be there I guess. just a cargo run.
On the way back she went into labor and got a quick escort down to planet and straight to the ER.

More then once Gharassk's mother had to pull him out from a tree, or a bush, or a wasp hive, or out of a cave.
He was an explorer and no matter where he was in the galaxy it was home and not scary.
Gharassk often got to go with his father on his trips around the galaxy the farthest with him was to Kashyyyk, witch which, I know, they can be confusing and spell check doesnt catch those. was a cargo run to a family of travelers that ran low on supplies on Kashyyyk.

Gharassk's mother wanted him to someday become a Jedi so she allowed him to be taken into the order of the Jedi.
Gharassk's family of three went on a trip that led them to Coruscant, where Gharassk would be found by the Jedi order and taken in, He was about 4 years old at this point.

If his mother was taken to the hospital at birth, they would've checked his midi chlorians, most likely at least, especially since she is an ex-Jedi. The Jedi would've known he was force sensitive at birth. And what did his father want for him? Did he want him to become a Jedi?

Even though he was able to be comfortable any were he still needed to get used to the Temple.
It was not in-tell until he was about five years old that he Finally got use to it and it began to be home to Gharassk.
His time of young-ling youngling, no hyphen hood were well for Gharassk.
He was a great study and student. The master that would teach the young-lings almost never had to address things the young Gharassk was not learning.
He Listond listened well, learned fast, and studied hard. All of this helped in his being picked as a Padawan at the age of 10. Ten is the minimal gae to be taken as a padawan. Not a problem, I'm just stating a fact. He may not yet be ready for the training. Up to you.
His training at this point was good he was just starting out on the field when it came to training, most of his masters missions were only and only on. And his master would probably also take missions offplanet, but they can refuse missions that were offplanet I guess. Coruscant.



11-16 the fall of a master


Gharassk's master was a good master that taught Gharassk allot about the force and quickly let him build a light saber, Building a lightsaber at ten would be a miraculous feat. I would wait until he's at least thirteen.
And practice even more, he was not working, he was training,
he did take the time to talk with the others and not just those of his own age but of all other ages and races he did not have any prejudice of any type.
But only a little time went into any thing that took away from him improving himself.
Most allot of his light saber combat skill came from his self teaching from the archives, although his master pushed his training farther than it had been, or ever could have been without. His master would teach him styles, but he can also learn from the archives. But his master would be his number once source.
He was often brought on all his masters missions with almost any types of missions even a small gang problem in the lower levels of Coruscant that led him under cover with his master
the gang had been attacking many police, and cops using there information that they had on them for Even lower case or add a period before even. worst things several robberies, kidnapings and even killings.
Gharassk and his master went under cover, his master as a officer himself, Gharassk went in as a member wanting to join the gang, however only Gharassk got in his master was discovered and brought into the gangs hide-out as a captive it was now that Gharassk's cover was blown it was his task to kill the 'cop' who was his master, a but should be here between the two of them fighting there way to the leader the problem was over soon with little fighting after the first wave of goons.
All this Field training gave him grate Experience great experience, lower case again, and helped him on his own.

At about 14 years old Gharassk was learning more about the sith war, he was also training himself. At this time, everyone would still be learning of the War, as it just started after all. Or do you mean a different Sith War? In which case, what was the point of studying a past war?
It was also about this time that his master was starting to drift from the light side and the Jedi Order, it was due to an old friend that his master knew, he was also now a Dark Jedi and was now meeting him on his own missions that Gharassk would not get to come and he slowly started to turn him. It would take a lot for a master to fall. Be sure you have enough.
As to how his master kept it from him and the Jedi Order,
he had found out and was tought by his old friend how to cloak his filling his feelings though the Jedi did start to pick up the fact that he was hiding something.
Though Gharassk did get to come on some missions and it was around this time that Gharassk was finding out he was hiding something from him, the Jedi council started to give Gharassk the job to spy on his master, but he could not pick up on his trail to the dark side. Wouldn't Gharassk feel bad for spying on his master? How did he accept this task?

Gharassk would spend his spare time in the library or seeing what other Padawans had been learning he knew quite a few of the other Padawans well.
He thought of most any one around the Temple as friends along with his master not only friends, but brothers and sisters.
Around the time he was about to turn 16 years old he started to learn that his time that he was spending alone or studying was just as good as spending it with his brothers in the force, so, around this time he began spending more time out side of the study halls, and more time with his fellow Jedi.

Gharassk met several Jedi even one padawan the same age as him that had lost his master in death and was looking for a master himself.
The two of them spent much time together and each one had something to teach the other, that padawan went on to join the Med corps after a year of not being able to find a master. The Council would assign a new master most likely. Being sent to the Corps because they can't find a second master is just a padawan rumor and fear.
At the middle part of him being 16 years old his master went on a mission that Finlay led him to the dark side.
With many temptations and behind the councils orders His his, lower case again master had been breaking the code for years, what hit Gharassk even more was that his master was able to hide it from him as well.
When he was still 16 years old his master went on a mission that led him to the dark side. What happened during this mission, what took place? Etc etc

His master tried to turn Gharassk to the dark side as well but he would not turn. a small battle took place but Gharassk was not strong enough to take his master back nor turn him back. How'd Gharassk escape? His master could've killed him easily.
This was the only place Gharassk thought he had failed his whole life, to him this was the only time he lost.
After he managed to escape from his former masters trap he returned to the Temple with all haste. How did he return, was he offplanet?
He now had no master, no one to continue teaching him.
He did not know even if he was to do something, he did not know how much of his training was right, he did not know if his master was slowly trying to train him in the dark side all along...
This took allot a lot of an emotional toll on Gharassk.

You need to mention what your character's master's name was, and his species.

Check your grammar and spelling in the Stats, Bio and RP Sample. If you can get your hands on Microsoft Word, use that to type up your app. It catches a lot of mistakes. Or even OpenOffice, which is free.

www.openoffice.org

Reform your paragraphs so you don't have one sentence paragraphs. I would make them at least three sentences long. It makes the whole app easier to read. You have the content, it just needs reworked. And putting a space by simply hitting enter after making a paragraph also makes it easier to read.

I know everyone is telling you this, but look at some accepted apps. Look at their Bios so see what kind of details and elements they put in. Try to do the same for yours. Be creative, and have a lot of detail.

Its getting a lot better Zett, keep working at it and you'll get there. You can do it, it just takes some practice. Don't give up.

[Adobi-Wan Kenobi]

ok i did things you told me to but i cant do down loads and i dont have a word processor

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

Use Chrome, it'll spell-check as you type.

And one thing really bugging me, an apostrophe and an S doesn't make something plural. Please fix those for the sake of my sanity.

[Adobi-Wan Kenobi]

there worked on the '+S

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

Nov 4, 2011 18:11:51 GMT -5 Adobi-Wan Kenobi said:

((OCC-Song for bio video.search.yahoo.com/search/video;_ylt=A0S00Mu0aRdP.TMAcrr7w8QF;_ylu=X3oDMTBncGdyMzQ0BHNlYwNzZWFyY2gEdnRpZAM-?p=tarzan+son+of+man+music&ei=utf-8&n=21&tnr=20))You can drop this part right here.

Name:
Gharassk Ran

Race:
Togruta

Age:
16

Height:
5ft 7in

Weight:
114lbs

Appearance:

Gharassk Ran is a Scarlet Red Togruta who like many Togrutas has a hate for foot wear.
Has no scars due to the fact that he has not been on to many dangerous missions.
He is not too skinny but he's not fat in truth just about the right size for his own body. Please condense these sentences into a paragraph.

His Robes are Blue Grey in color and when he has to wear Boots
they are knee high and a slightly darker Blue then his Robes.
His horns are not as long as others due to them not being full grown yet.


Personality:
Gharassk Ran is a very honorable young Padawan who will Listonlisten to almost any order of almost any one who has a higher rank. He will almost always be found in the Jedi library studdingstudying when not doing any thing else.

Relaxing is often found on the back burner for him as most of his time if not studdingStudying, and this sentence makes no sense. working with his saber training work and training take most of his time.
Tries to please who ever happens to be in charge of him at that time.Incomplete sentence, please revise. Also, try to add more here. I know if you try you can do it, you just have to exert yourself.


Birth place:
Shili

Faction:
Jedi Order

Rank:
Padawan

Light-saber:
His hilt is silver with two gold rings. His button is bronze and has a second switch for locking it on and off. Also the lower halve is coverd in tan cloth that is tied into a knot at the bottom of the handle and continues on for about 4 inches past the knot.
the blade is Teal BlueAll you should put here is "Single blade, single phase" if it's a standard lightsaber.


Color:
Light blue.

Practiced Light saber forms:

Shii-Cho 3
Makashi 1
Soresu 1
Ataru 0
Shien / Djem So 0
>>Sub-form Backhanded 0
Niman 0
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield 0
Juyo 0
Double Bladed Combat 0

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 4
Telepathic: 2
Body: 2
Sense: 3
Protection: 3
Healing: 2
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 4
Intelligence: 5
Speed: 6
Leadership: 2

Unarmed: 2
Melee Weapons: 3
Ranged Weapons: 1

Force Attunement:
+3


Bio:

1-10 (Birth)

Gharassk Ran's Birth was as normal as any, with only one thing wrong, both mother and father were Force Sensitive, although the father did not know he was but the mother did, she was a former Jedi Knight, kicked out of the order for her slowly falling in love with Gharassk's father. She and he had met on one of her missions he as an informant and from that point on he was an informant many more times after that, but, soon they started to meet alone and soon she began to drift from the ways of the Jedi.
His father was a traveling Cargo Merchant who also was a great smuggler, and at times did do smuggling, so would often be away from home and would bring the family on some of the cargo missions.

After a while his parents did settle down on Shili, theretheir own home world and they wanted it to be Gharassks home as well,
though he was almost born off-world coming home from one trip
to the planet of Nar Shadda just a cargo run.
On the way back she went into labor and got a quick escort down to planet and straight to the ER.Your spacing here is all weird, make sure you don't hit enter when you're done with a sentence.


More then once Gharassks mother had to pull him out from a tree, or a bush, or a wasp hive, or out of a cave.
He was an explorer and no matter where he was in the galaxy it was home and not scary. Gharassk often got to go with his father on his trips around the galaxy the farthest with him was to Kashyyyk, which was a cargo run to a family of travelers that ran low on supplies on Kashyyyk.

Gharassks Apostrophe before that s. This will be the last time I correct you on that, so make sure you look through your app for these to correct.mother wanted him to someday become a Jedi so she allowed him to be taken into the order of the Jedi.
Gharassks family of three went on a trip that led them to Coruscant, where Gharassk would be taken in be the Jedi order who already knew about him being a force sensitiveHow?. He was about 4 years old at this point.

Even though he was able to be comfortable any wereanywhere he still needed to get used to the Temple. It was not until he was about five years old that he Finally got use to it and it began to be home to Gharassk.

His time of youngling hood werewas well for Gharassk.
He was a great study and student. The master that would teach the young-lings almost never had to address things the young Gharassk was not learning.

He listened well, learned fast, and studied hard. All of this helped in his being picked as a Padawan at the age of 10 by a Rodian by the name of Gwaldosa. His training at this point was good he was just starting out on the field when it came to training, most of his masters missions were only on Coruscant.

11-16 the fall of a master

Gharassks master was a good master that taught Gharassk a lot about the force and quickly let him build a light saber at the age of 13, and practice even more, he was not working, he was training, he did take the time to talk with the others and not just those of his own age but of all other ages and races he did not have any prejudice of any type. but only a little time went into any thing that took away from him improving himself.

Most allotMost or a lot? of his light saber combat skill came from his self teaching from the archives, although his master pushed his training farther than it had been, or ever could have been without and was still the top source.
He was often brought on all his masters missions with almost any types of missions even a small gang problem in the lower levels of Coruscant that led him under cover with his master
the gang had been attacking many police, and cops using there information that they had on them for even worst things several robberies, kidnapings and even killings.This entire section flows poorly and has errors, please revise.
Gharassk and his master went under cover, his master as a officer himself, Gharassk went in as a member wanting to join the gang, however only Gharassk got in his master was discovered and brought into the gangs hide-out as a captive it was now that Gharassks cover was blown it was his task to kill the 'cop' who was his master, but between the two of them fighting theretheir way to the leader the problem was over soon with little fighting after the first wave of goons. all this Field training gave him great experience, and helped him on his own.

At about 14 years oldIncomplete sentence, please revise.. It was about this time that his master was starting to drift from the light side and the Jedi Order, it was due to an old friend that his master knew, he was also now a Dark Jedi and was now meeting him on his own missions that Gharassk would not get to come and he slowly started to turn him.

As to how his master kept it from him and the Jedi Order,
he had found out and was tought by his old friend how to cloak his feelings though the Jedi did start to pick up the fact that he was hiding something. though Gharassk did get to come on some missions and it was around this time that Gharassk was finding out he was hiding something from him, the Jedi council started to give Gharassk the job to spy on his master, but he could not pick up on his trail to the dark side. Gharassk did fillfeel bad about spying on his master but took on the task without any truble for two reasons first, if his master was doing anything wrong this would be the only way to save him, and second the orders came straight from the council and they out rank his master.

Gharassk would spend his spare time in the library or seeing what other Padawans had been learning he knew quite a few of the other Padawans well. he thought of most any one around the Temple as friends along with his master not only friends, but brothers and sisters.

Around the time he was about to turn 16 years old he started to learn that his time that he was spending alone or studying was just as good as spending it with his brothers in the force, so, around this time he began spending more time out side of the study halls, and more time with his fellow Jedi.

Gharassk met several Jedi even one padawan the same age as him that had lost his master in death and was looking for a master himself. the two of them spent much time together and each one had something to teach the other, that padawan went on to join the Med corps by choise after a year of not being able to find a master.

At the middle part of him being 16 years old his master went on a mission to Corellia that Finlayfinally led him to the dark side.
With many temptations and behind the councils orders his master had been breaking the code for years, what hit Gharassk even more was that his master was able to hide it from him as well. It was a mission that was to track down a Dark Jedisentence break here once the two got to the Dark Jedi Gharassk thought it was over but the Dark Jedi managed to push him to the dark side after all this time. After a while the Dark Jedi got to his master and pushed him over to the dark side.This second sentence is redundant.

His master tried to turn Gharassk to the dark side as well but he would not turn. a small battle took place but Gharassk was not strong enough to take his master back nor turn him back.
At the end of the fight his master onewon but could not call on any amount of anger to kill the boy.
Garassk was able to escape then and got to a city where he bought a passpassage onto a ship leaving Corellia and back to Coruscant.
This was the only place Gharassk thought he had failed his whole life, to him this was the only time he lost.
After he managed to escape from his former masters trap he returned to the Temple with all haste.
He now had no master, no one to continue teaching him.
He did not know even if he was to do something, he did not know how much of his training was right, he did not know if his master was slowly trying to train him in the dark side all along...
This took a lot of an emotional toll on Gharassk.

RP Sample:

Another day on the sprawling metropolis of Coruscant...
No one caring for one another, just there own self,
This was not however a normal day for Gharassk he was in the under city of the busy planet, he wished he could remember how he got here....
He remembered...... Fallowing.....Who?
He could not remember any thing, was he drudged?
All he knew was that were he was wasn't home at the Temple were he so badly wanted to be, for some reason.
And then the door opened to three men, with guns interd. And the back of Garassks mind went blank into slow mode.
Seeing the three of the men chasing him some time yesterday.
His mind came back to were he was.
To see the leader having Gharassks light-saber on his belt.

"You boy up " The leader said with a commanding voice.

Let me go, i don't want to hurt you.
Was Gharassks only response but the men only laughed at the boy and pulled there guns out to attack.

Gharassk simply touched the mind of the weakest of the three and tricked it into starting a fight with the other two.
Then pulled the light-saber back to himself.
He leaped up from off the Flore.

The Snap-Hiss of the blade that now made the dark room glow, it did not take long for the men to start to back off.
Though one did try to attack by fireing the blaster off toward Gharassk. He Flicked The shot off the blade the others started to fire as well but Gharassk simply stopped those shots as well.
He blocked one shot that came to his right and spun around with a swing cutting the gun in two halves then keeping the spin going did a round house kick using the force to enhance it at another who had tried to attack, the force kick sent him flying into the hall way.
The last man stepped back to charge up the stun shot on his blaster and Gharassk pulled the blaster out of the mans hands setting it off the bolt flew past Gharassks head and he force pushed the man down the hall way into the other man.

Then three other men came into the hall way from the door that was locked Gharassk threw the saber at the door switch to make sure it did not re-lock as the saber was on the other side of the hall-way one of the men got a shot off as Gharassk was unarmed to there eyes, but to him a Jedi well in tuned with the force was never unarmed, Gharassk outstretched his hand using a force Bubble to block the shot sending it back into the man.
Gharassk now called the saber to him from out of the computer cutting one of the men on its way back to Gharassk.

Gharassk had a few of the thugs try and stop him on his way to the upper levels, he took them out in a similar form.
After that he had no problems getting his way back to the upper levels of the planet but had a few try to pursue him but none really wanted to. So after only a few goons he was home free back to the Temple.

So, overall thoughts. This is the very best work I've seen from you, and I'm proud of that in a way. There's a lot of errors here and there, but by and large this was good. Good length and good content. Let's just wrap up those errors I pointed out and get you approved.

[Adobi-Wan Kenobi]

ok i think thats it