Kimy234

[kimy234]

Character Name: Analla Illesar
Character Source: Swu - Pending,  link
Character Faction/Alignment: Republic/Light Side
Type of Roleplay: If it's possible I'd like to practice a bit of everything really.
Roleplay Requirements: I'd like to leave everything up to the mentor.
Reason for Request: I've just joined and almost finished my character profile, I just wanted to have a go at roleplaying with a mentor first before I actually make the Rp sample for my profile.
Notes: Although I've read around this forum for quite a bit I don't have any real experience roleplaying, although I do really enjoy English at school and have some experience writing stories.
Roleplay: I'm happy to start but I'd prefer a roleplay mentor set the scene a bit, I don't really know where or how to start and to get the best learning experience I'd like to have it initiated for me by the mentor.

[Jazen]

Alright then, sorry about the wait. (Weekend came and I get like...nothing done on the weekends xD) Anyway, I'm Jazen, pleasure pleasure. I'll be your RP mentor for this session.

Now, I gotta say, you shouldn't need to wait on me to make a rp sample. The rp sample is there for us, in a way, to see what your level of experience is. Plus, if you wait on me to make it, oh gawd, you'll be here forever and we don't want that. So just go ahead and write something with your character, maybe her reaction during an assignment or after. You don't need a massive masterpiece, just a snip of whats to come. Its easy, trust me. ^_^

Now, onto the actual RPM stuff. Ill start simple and work from there; seeing as your Republic, I think Ill have this happen between your character and my fringe lad, Shine(he's getting antsy in my brain to do stuff), meeting maybe at a bar on Coruscant and after some banter, things get hectic and action needs to take place. Something simple, couple of guys causing trouble. Anyway...kicking off for you then;

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No matter how many times I leave it, Coruscant is still one of the best places to come back to.

Shine let that thought roll about in his mind as he stood there, amongst the masses of the Republic center, his eyes to the sky that never seemed to grow dark. Night had fallen for sure, but for Coruscant, night was merely another form of day for some. The planet never truly slept and for all but a few dark corners, the city at night could be just as bright as the city during the day.

Shine loved coming back to this place; from the view to the assortment of markets he could explore for supplies and parts, Coruscant always held a reason for him to justify having a small place for himself to return too. But for this night, the main reason he was glad to be back was simple; the planet had plenty of night bars he could visit and get a solid drink without worrying about a bolt in the back. Or in the face, depending on the situation. It was a good place to relax and simply let some of the worries of his job slip away...maybe with the help of a cold ones and a warm companion.

If he was lucky, that was.

It didn't take him long to find a half decent bar near one of the planet's many spaceports; any respectable owner would know a killing could be made being so close to a place where Republic soldiers and independent pilots would go to take some well needed R&R. Slipping inside the place, Shine found it was decently packed, with people of all sorts conversing and drinking in high spirits. Not a bad pick for a man in need of both drink and company.

Finding a place at the bar to order a drink, Shine let his eyes wander the place, studying its inhabitants. One of these patrons had him lingering a bit longer, mainly because she was sitting right next to him. Smiling to her when she glanced his way, Shine made a slight bow with his head before raising his drink to her. "A fine night to have a cold drink, wouldn't you say? Ah, but then, yours is looking a little empty...if you'll allow it, perhaps I might be able to fix that?"

[kimy234]

Analla sat down in the closest bar she could find, happy to be on land again after the long time she'd spent in space. Her drink was half empty when she heard the door swing open behind her, she chose to ignore it and look once more upon her newly gifted sergeant rank badge on her shoulder. However this newcomer wouldn't allow her to ignore him so he chose to sit right next to her, obviously coming on to her.
"A fine night to have a cold drink, wouldn't you say?" Well Analla couldn't disagree but she still turned to look at him, however he was looking at something else. "Ah, but then, yours is looking a little empty... if you'll allow it, perhaps I might be able to fix that?"
Analla looked at her drink, and then back to him. She would like another drink, and getting it for free would be just perfect. But then however she's owe this guy, and he wasn't exactly as appetising as he thought he was.
"Are you offering to buy me a drink?" She said the obvious, knowing the answer before it came but she might as well check just to be sure. She weighed up her options, ever so tempted to say yes and just let him have one over her. She wouldn't mind that too much would she? He didn't look like the kind of person to just be kind and let her have a drink though, this was a man on the prowl and he obviously wanted her to repay him for the drink in a way only she could. Analla wasn't one to judge a book by it's cover though, and after deciding he probably wouldn't be the worst thing to happen to her she answered his question.
"Sure, it's your credits after all and I have to agree mine is looking rather empty."

(Also I took note of your other point and I've finished up my profile with the RP sample as you suggested.)

[Jazen]

[Okay, now I don't do this often, but I'm going to break down your reply a bit. It's a good reply, don't get me wrong. Let's just see if we can't make it prettier, shall we?

First things first...spacing. New paragraphs should have a space between them at least. Breaks up the post a bit and helps avoid the dreaded "wall of text" that sometimes happens to show up. And nobody wants that. xD

Second, and don't take this the wrong way, but grammar. There are places here that could use a little work to make it nicer.(and if English isn't your first language, my apologies) A couple of examples that I see are (and I'm nitpicking probably but it's all for the greater good):

Her drink was half empty when she heard the door swing open behind her, she chose to ignore it and look once more upon her newly gifted sergeant rank badge on her shoulder.

Her drink was half empty when she heard the door swing open behind her. Choosing to ignore it, Analla choose instead to look once more upon the new gifted rank badge upon her shoulder. (Perhaps to add meat to a future post, you could speak about how happy she felt about getting it, maybe a little detail as to how hard she'd worked for it or what not. Again, don't have to, that's just some meat)

But then however she's owe this guy, and he wasn't exactly as appetizing as he thought he was.

But then, however, she'd(or she would, whichever you prefer) owe this guy and he wasn't exactly as appetizing as he thought himself to be. (Just have to watch certain words and punctuation. It can make allllll the difference in making things not only clear, but pretty and flow well. Though I'm one to talk xD. Anyway, keep those in mind when posting next; here comes the reply.)
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Shine's smile grew ever so slightly at the woman's question, taking the moment she glanced to her drink to give her a quick look now that he had her attention. She was attractive, of that he had no doubt. Her body language, at least the quick glance he managed before his attention returned to her eyes, told him that she was on guard to a degree. Like any young woman in a bar should be he mused silently to himself. He'd have to try and take her concerns away about him, at least if he hoped to earn any points with her. But what really caught his eye for a moment was the badge upon her shoulder; a sergeant's badge for the Republic military.

Part of Shine knew it would be best if he ran for the hills now. While he wasn't wanted by the law, to his knowledge anyway, his profession still wasn't one that got along well with the military either. Heck, half the time he was slipping past the Republic military into a place to deliver his trade, which could be a sour spot if he wasn't careful. Still, it wasn't his first time doing the dance and it surely wouldn't be his last. Besides; the badge looked new and that gave him something he could use in conversation.

"Why, you must have read my mind. I would be more than happy to get you a refill." Chuckling, Shine waved over the bartender to refill her drink, waiting until the man had poured the liquor before continuing. "Apologies; I'm buying you a drink and I haven't even given you my name. I'm Shine; Shine Albatros. " Offering his free hand for her to shake, he smiled as he motioned with his glass to her shoulder. "Pardon me for asking, but would you be here celebrating that rather new looking badge on your shoulder...sergeant?"

[kimy234]

"Apologies; I'm buying you a drink and I haven't even given you my name. I'm Shine; Shine Albatros." The instant Analla heard his name she went over her walk to the bar once more in her head. After a brief pause she was glad to attain that the name didn't ring any bells, not from any wanted posters she's glanced at anyhow. That at least was one good point about him, though not the only good point mind you. It might have been the drink talking, but this Shine was looking better in Analla's eyes every time she looked at him.

She wavered when he offered her his hand, only for a heartbeat, but she knew he'd noticed it. She was distracted by going over everything in her head, thinking far too much about, well, everything. She tried her best not to be too firm with the handshake, men don't like that do they? And then he was already on to the next thing, moving too fast for her to have time to think. The question hit her unguarded and she stumbled for words.

"Pardon me for asking, but would you be here celebrating that rather new looking badge on your shoulder... sergeant?" Before she'd looked at the badge with thoughts about the future, about how she'd be great one day. But the way he worded it she couldn't help but remember the time she was gifted it. The memories flooded back and it took all of Analla's control to keep a straight face.

"Well.. uh. You see, it's more that I'm mourning the sudden demise of it's predecessor." The instant she said it Analla was already regretting her choice of words. Why did I mention that, it's not exactly polite conversation is it? However Analla felt that kicking herself in this public place was not the best idea. Instead Analla decided to pass the focus back to Shine, glad to be out of the limelight. "But less about me and more about you. What does a man like you do, when he's not busy hitting on women like myself that is."

[Jazen]

(Muuuuuch better this time. ^_^ The only things I can see now are that your posts flow as if they are rushed(but that could just be me) and adding a bit more meat to each post. But still, very good.)

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This woman was quickly becoming both more interesting and possibly worrisome by the minute. It had been a very momentary thing, but when Shine had offered his hand to her, she had seemed to waver at the sight. Now, what the reason for that could be any number of things, but there were only two that worried Shine; that she knew who he was somehow, in which case the flinching away from him could be bad. Or she was afraid of him, or at least his intentions, which Shine didn't like at all.

When she did take his hand, Shine matched the firmness in her grip with his own, giving her a little wink to show his appreciation of the force she'd used. To his amusement, the woman seemed to be caught off guard by his comments. Either she was wonderfully buzzed already or she wasn't used to this much attention. Either way, it made her reactions sublime and made her even more appealing in Shine's eyes.

There was a slight change in her after Shine had commented about her badge, a flicker barely noticeable in the lines of her face. Frowning, Shine put a hand to his chest, reducing the level of his smile to one of shock, yet understanding. "Oh...my condolences on the loss. Still, I'm sure there were others they could have picked, yet they chose you, right? That's something to be proud of. I'm sure your predecessor wouldn't want you to feel bad about it."

As quickly as he'd started the conversation about her, the woman hit him with a reversal, changing the topic to discuss things about him. It was a situation Shine had encountered hundreds of times, against all types of people. Heck, he pretty much had a cover to answer that question with just about anyone, from lies to half-truths, to full-truths. In this situation, a half-truth was the best bet. Not only would it keep him hopefully out of trouble, it might also score him some points for this conversation continuing privately later.

"Now that's hardly fair...asking me about myself when I haven't even learned your name. Buuuuuut...I'll let you have this one for free. When I do when I'm not spending time in such lovely company such as yourself, is fly. I'm a pilot, both in practice and at heart. I work in independent transport. Got my own ship and everything.

Your turn; you owe me a name at least. And perhaps why someone as lovely as yourself is here all on her own."