Arkoh Altunen

[Thaddeus]

Faction:
Republic
Department:
Navy
Rank:
Captain


Name:
Arkoh Altunen
Race:
Arkanian
Age:
36
Height:
5ft 11in
Weight:
140lbs
Birth place:
Arkania


Appearance:

Arkoh takes great care to always maintain a perfect and manicured appearance, all the while going to great lengths to make it seem like his cultivated look was utterly effortless. To an extent, like all vain people, it was effortless in that to not ensure his hair was sitting perfectly or that his coat hung in just the right manner was not a chore for him but a pleasure.

His clothes are all tailored, he long ago got special dispensation to have his uniforms handmade, and it shows. While military uniforms naturally make the wearer look taller, sharper, stronger, and generally more delicious when they are just off-the-rack they all look a little duller, they pull in the wrong places, and just don't sit right. Arkoh's uniforms, and indeed all his clothes, flatter his muscular and strong frame perfectly. They make him look taller, they accentuate the powerful thighs and legs which can propel him in a standing somersault, they hang just right on broad shoulders.

This haute couture is almost par for the course for an Arkanian, and indeed he does have all the elite and cool looks of the best of his species. But a long scar which cuts vertically across his lips add a rougher and more wordly feel to the man that nearly every other Arkanian lacks.

Cutting such a figure it is rare for people not to notice Arkoh, coupled with the rarity of seeing any pure Arkanian outside of the highest echelons of society. His mannerisms and walk is always calm and sure, even when sprinting, he makes every step and movement of the hand the most graceful and calm thing you had ever seen. Indeed much of this flows from his practice of Teras Kasi and Echani martial arts.

Personality:
Arkoh is, or perhaps it would be better to say was designed to be calm, controlled, and utterly sure of his own abilities. And indeed in this at least the Arkanian geneticists outdid themselves. Even when he does lose his temper or his not entirely confident he never displays it, this deception is done as much for the good of his vanity as it is for the good of his subordinates.

Intelligent and adaptive Arkoh can sometimes appear cold or calculating, though he never needlessly wastes lives or resources - he will do so if it is necessary. Sentimentalists who believe war must have some rule of honour or restriction of morality are absurd and unsound to him; war is a state where morality has been done away with, where in order to preserve the peace and the morality of such times there must be undertaken actions which would be otherwise unconscionable.

Having been designed to be a perfect physical specimen and eminently qualified for war service in the Republic navy seemed only natural. Therefore there was no trauma that drove him into the arms of service which would provide some quasi-disembodied father figure. He merely saw his talents and natural aptitude, and from there concluded that the Republic Navy would benefit from his membership - and he like all beings needing a fulfilling life that used his own skills and abilities would be best served too by joining. There was no angst, no rebellion, simply it made sense.

If you will call the first half of this personality profile the design of the Arkanian geneticists then what follows is the development of his own experiences and existence. He is not as aloof as most Arkanians, though many other species view his calm demeanor and cold intelligence as arrogance this is not so. He does not believe that his species is the pinnacle of all, rather that every species has certain traits, talents, and has a history which mark them all out in some way as remarkable. Further his exposure to the wider society of the Republic has made him far more inured to what would be seen by other Arkanians as a lack of social graces - and more over has made him aware of the etiquette of other civilisations.

Further his life before joining the service also shaped his personality, born the second son and so decided by his parents that he would not inherit the bulk of their wealth or titles. Thus his childhood and youth was orientated around making the young Arkoh into a loyal (but not subservient, for that would not do for an Arkanian) aide to his elder brother. So where his brother was designed and raised to be pinnacle of intellectualism, Arkoh was designed and raised to be the epitome of thoughtful action.

Skills:
Advanced space-combat tactics & strategy, basic ground-combat tactics & strategy, and Teras Kasi & Echani martial arts.

Languages:
Basic, & Arkanian

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 5
Intelligence: 6
Speed: 6
Leadership: 6

Unarmed: 7
Melee Weapons: 4
Ranged Weapons: 4

Bio:

Infancy & childhood

Born into the Altunen family, of Altunen Eugenics Pty. Ltd. fame, Arkoh was the third child - and the second son. He was not entirely planned, but when his parents became aware of his conception they decided that their eldest could use a loyal partner in stewarding the family business after their own demise. So they naturally altered his genetic code somewhat, eradicating any physical deficiencies or deformities, ensuring that his physical construction was the very pinnacle of the Arkanian species. He would take over security for the respected Arkanian company, or so was his parent's plan from his womb.

Born without complications and perfectly healthy - was there ever any doubt? - Arkoh was soon taken away to be raised by specially constructed maternity droids. The infant grew strong and fast, and walking before the end of his second year. By the time he showed the intellectual development appropriate he was moved from the maternity droids' care into the hands of Arkanian tutors and instructors - along with his older brother and sister. Here the tutors and instructors followed the regime designed by his parents; while his brother learnt the intricacies of biology and genetics, his sister of economics, he learnt to push his body further and harder. But his mind was not neglected, the tutors taught him Basic and Arkanian, and the great works therein.

By the time he was 10 Arkoh was as well-read as most graduates from the core-world's universities - his mental education never stretching to the depths of phenomenology or any deep philosophy or science, just rather the erudite and cultured education expected of an Arkanian. Meanwhile his physical body was a masterpiece - indeed he was featured in several advertisements for Altunen Eugenics. This hard childhood produced in all the children a powerful drive to succeed, verging on pathological. But never did their desires to succeed become competitive, all understood that they were meant to succeed together - but separately. There was a solidarity among them all, Arkoh and his older brother Sero grew particularly close - Sero was 15 to Arkoh's 10, meanwhile their sister Aure split the difference at 13 - often playing tricks on their sister and their tutors.

Arkoh's relation to his family was more along the lines of what most would call a professional relationship. Sentiment was not often found, he could not ever recall being hugged by his mother or reassuringly patted on the shoulder by his father. And this was normal. His parents were figures of importance and authority, not dotting nursemaids. Among the siblings however there was everything that would commonly be called love and affection, they played and argued, pouted and poked.

However the little brood knew that with Sero turning 15 he would move away and begin to work in Altunen Eugenics and study at the university. Arkoh and Aure both vividly recalled their older sibling's farewell, the first time any of them had been apart since Arkoh had joined the family. But Arkoh had little time to be sad for his training and learning picked up now that the testosterone of adolescence began to infuse his muscles.

Youth

With the onset of his teenage years Arkoh's training stepped up, and began to focus more and more on his physical perfection and future profession; for now his parents brought in the foremost masters of Teras Kasi and Echani martial arts. He learnt the two arts alongside each other, and anytime he confused a movement from one in the other he was quickly reprimanded - often being throw onto his arse, at least by the Echani instructor. His teachers would take him out of the family compound into the freezing landscape of Arkania, they would run him for days, make him stand motionless or in one particular guard of their art for hours, meanwhile the Teras Kasi instructor would meditate with the young boy and teach him the finer and more refined philosophic elements of the martial art.

He hated them, every lesson he took only so that he could eventually master his tutors. In between these physical lessons he studied furiously every compendium of military tactics and strategy - he often wondered if it was here that he first found the idea of joining the Republic. His scrawny and lanky frame was turning into something impressive, and he noticed it too... this much of his training he did love. He loved the giggles that the girls would give him when he took off his shirt to spar, he began to deliberately choose clothes which flattered him, and he bought his grooming droid to ensure that his looks were never anything less than perfect.

What free time he had he would spend chatting up some lovely little thing, he never wanted a partner or anything like that, no he found the young women positively repulsive in that way. They wanted to know his feelings, what he thought, they wanted to cuddle next to him, none of which he cared for. No he just wanted their sighs and moans, their adoration and to get his pleasure, he cared not a jot for any one of the girls he had. Whenever one of them would tearfully leave his room they would shout that he was a vain and selfish boy - among many other things - but was it vain to know that you were undeniably the picture of Arkanian perfection? And if so how could it be selfish to love someone like that above all else? He never did understand.

Whether this vanity would be his undoing only time would tell, as the young Arkanian was very confident of himself... and up until now he had never met his equal, how his mind and spirit would react if he was beaten were a matter of debate. Oh his tutors beat him, but that was a skill, something that could be learned, and eventually mastered. His vanity was more centred around his genetic perfection, and the fact that he could master anything and anyone... what would happen when his unstoppable force met his immovable object the young Arkoh preferred not to think about.

Philandering aside his training continued unabated and relentlessly. In time he was besting his instructors in Teras Kasi and Echani, and his parents hired better ones, so that in his 17th year he was once again a novice. Infuriated at being humiliated again by teachers, he pushed himself only harder. He would best these too, and he did in the end, but more were found.

Further now that he was an adult he began to work in the family business, Deputy Head of Security, he was apprenticed virtually to the current Head of Security. He took the challenges on eagerly, and accomplished everything he was set to. Alongside his training in unarmed combat, which was second to none, it was here that he first handled a blaster. He discovered that the corporate world was constantly at war, always some business rival wanting your latest discovery or advance. He was called on to foil abductions as often as he was asked to call on to stop theft.

Despite the excitement there was something about it which did not challenge him, Arkoh found himself constantly going back to his military manuals and reading anew the great strategies and wars that had embroiled the galaxy. 

On leaving Arkania

It was in his 23rd year that he strode purposefully into his father's office and tendered his resignation, his brother looked on shocked, and his mother was promptly called in from her latest project. He stood there resolute and answered every question they threw at him, and shrugged at every threat, he replied passively that he no longer wished to work for Altunen Eugenics - and that he was not contractually obliged to. Sero looked on and had not said a word for or against, Arkoh looked to him often for in truth it was his opinion that could have swayed the younger brother. Sero eventually heaved a sigh that caught everyone's attention, the older brother replied that it was obvious that Arkoh wanted this, and there was nothing to stop him, given this then it was better to support him. Arkoh threw a wide and honest smile at his beloved brother, Sero nodded serenely but a smile twitched at the corner of his mouth.

His parents persuaded by this subsided and offered to support him, he would receive a stipend equivalent to the salary he would have earned - it would not do for an Arkanian to live off the salary of some common officer of the Republic, he would need to live as his birth entitled him. He also asked that his parent's contract his Teras Kasi and Echani instructors to him - he would take them with him, he had yet to beat these two teachers, and he knew that he was still not master of the arts.

Enrollment in the Republic Navy

He arrived on Foerost and immediately found the Republic Navy recruitment offices and signed up as a commissioned officer - his past experience, and training, meant that he would not at least have to work up the ladder from the bottom. Directed to the training barracks for commissioned officers he set out confident that he would stand head and shoulders above all others - after all he was an Arkanian. He would be rudely surprised.

Sharing his barracks were humans, Bothans, Twi'leks, even a Wookie and not one of them relished his company. The pretentious Arkanian did not even notice their disdain, so confident was he that everyone must love him as much as he loved himself. He marched out with the rest of them, in the hideous uniform he had been given, and stood to attention before the drill sergeant. He was 7ft tall, muscle bound, gruff Epicanthix who said he would pass instantly whoever could best him in hand-to-hand. Arkoh eyed him up and down, and knew he could easily overcome the brute, so he stepped forward confidently. The sergeant smiled smugly and as Arkoh bowed respectfully quickly kneed the young man in the groin before bring a mighty hand down upon his neck sending him to the floor. Arkoh groggily got up and protested that he did not behave honourably, the sergeant replied that he was training him for war, their was no honour just victory or death.

His pride sufficiently cowed he pulled back into in the ranks of his fellow recruits. The many months of basic training was not physically demanding on the Arkanian, Arkoh was not incorrect in saying he was better than anyone of his fellows or superiors physically. But he had never been forced to work with others before, his success had never depended on anyone else before. It took him a long time, longer than he'd like to admit, to come down from his high horse and help his comrades. He began to see that they weren't just things for him to pull through, but rather people who could help push all of them further than anyone could achieve alone. It was not until the very end of basic training that he had truly won their respect and admiration, he would never be able to command the love of his men as easily as some, but he never would think that his comrades and subordinates were liabilities again.

Basic training over he moved onto more advanced officer training, and it was here that he began to shine. All those years pouring over military tactics and strategies paid dividends, he outclassed and outmaneuvered all in his class - even his teachers on occasion. But what he credited more than any book or manual was his old drill sergeant's critique which he had heard while still lying bloodied on the ground, that there was no honour just victory or death. This maxim served him well, often in the simulations he would be the only one to pass because only he was willing to seal off half of his ship and kill hundreds to avoid catastrophic loss of structure; or because he would deliberately target the transports forcing the warships to retreat from their offensive posture into a more defensive one. Of course his approach was often criticised by his teachers for verging on cruel, to which he replied,

"You must never imagine that there is an element of civilisation in war, it is barbaric, it is violence pushed to it utmost limit. There can be no moderation, no temperance, no kindness, the worst defeats are born of these peace-time virtues."

This reply always provoked a sense of unease in any who heard it, for some reason they always liked to imagine they were above this, that there was honour in what they did. Arkoh knew it was not so, but it was necessary and he excelled at it, so he saw no reason to bemoan it.

His training continued for a full 3 years, he was 26 by the time he graduated first in his class and was assigned as ensign to a Hammerhead-class cruiser. By this time the Arkoh that proudly delivered the closing address for the class, bedecked in a very fine uniform (custom made, he had attained permission to use his own tailors at last), was very different from the Arkoh that had walked into the Foerost recruitment office. Oh he was still vain, but it wasn't as crippling as it once was, he had been humbled a little. He happily admitted in the speech that when he had arrived he was overconfident but now he left supremely confident in himself, as did all the graduates - a remark which prompted some laughs from the crowd, though he was respected and even liked by a few, he was still known as a pompous sort and they enjoyed joshing him about it.

Distinction & promotion

For the first few years of his active service career he found himself put to work on missions which involved little more than anti-pirate actions. These engagements were short and sharp, no pirate armadas, rather the ship he was posted to was stationed in the outer rim and was designated rapid response. Interspersing these unsatisfying engagements Arkoh was sent on various conferences, seminars, lectures, etc. at first as an attendee. But eventually a few of his papers were published, and by his fourth year in the service, the now Lieutenant Commander Arkoh Altunen was being called on to present. His career had progressed slowly, but steadily, and he had earned the respect and admiration of the entire crew of the Viago - the Hammerhead-class cruiser he had been assigned to since graduation.

Eventually the old executive officer of the ship retired, and the captain recommended Arkoh for promotion to Commander so as to replace the XO. A stellar training and academy record, combined with an unblemished active service record (albeit without any awards beyond several campaign medals) assured his promotion. Arkoh took to the role like a duck to water, easily becoming the captain's confidant and most reliable officer, meanwhile the junior officers and ncos knew that they could rely on the XO to maintain order and be impartial. In many ways his Arkanian reputation for aloofness served him well, for he was not expected to make friends as an Arkanian and so was free to make the tough calls.

During the clearing out of a smuggler's station in the mid-rim the ship was attacked by several pirate corvettes and frigates, the captain was leading the marines aboard the station - an unusual tactic that Arkoh had advised against, but did not strongly object as this station had not been used in sometime. The pirates targeted the landing linking the cruiser to the station and succeeded in severing it. With all eyes turning to him Arkoh calmly strode forward and ordered the fighter squadrons launched and for the Viago to move away from the station.

The battle was fast and furious, while the pirate vessels were old they had been heavily modified and moved faster than expected. The shields of the Viago held back most of the damage, the ship lurching only every so often when the pirates bothered to concentrate fire. Arkoh ordered for the comms to be monitored and the most heavily broadcasting vessel to be targeted, and so the pirate gang died from the top down. They were shocked to see their leader's ship being the first targeted, that couldn't have been random, then the squadrons and the focused fire of the Republic ship bristled against his second, none of this was random. In the end he had destroyed only 5 out 12 vessels, but those 5 counted and the pirates scurried off... in silence, none of them wanted to take over for fear of their ship being targeted next.

It was not a new tactic by any means, but not many first time commanding officers are cool enough in the moment to deliberately analyse the enemy and the best tactic to defeat them. Arkoh was awarded a medal for valour, and all his shipmates cheered him. For all his vain posturing in his youth this moment would remain for him his proudest. Sure it was not some grand ceremony before the Senate, nor was it some medal that would win renown around the galaxy, but to have the accolades of these beings who he served with... that was more than any of that.

Career plateau

Arkoh was 34 by the time the new Supreme Chancellor declared war, and he had been awarded a command of his own. Being a first time captain though, even with his active service and stellar record, he was not awarded any great ship of the line but rather an Axehead frigate. He was not however snubbed by this as the Axehead frigate, named Aegis, presented him with a unique challenge. For the Axehead class was designed to not only operate as a frigate for ship-to-ship combat but also its horizontal hammerhead bow section allowed it another function as troop transport. Arkoh was excited to participate in an aspect of warfare that he had only the most cursory study of.

As the Republic lurched under the Sith assault, and the few victories they had won lit the fires of hope, Arkoh and the Aegis were ordered this way and that. They landed troops on a dozen battlefronts, Arkoh was considered one of the more daring officers and possessed of a capability to land where others couldn't. Meaning that on occasion he would be seconded to special forces, he never enjoyed these assignments nor did his 200 or so crew. Not because he thought the tactics that spec-ops used were wrong, but because he was never given the full picture. He had to operate partially blinded, something he loathed. His crew meanwhile just bristled whenever they had to share their ship with the prissy spec-op fellows.

During one landing a Republic armoured transport had been destroyed on the gangway, meaning the Aegis could not take off until it was cleared. Taking advantage of this several Mandalorians boarded the ship and had managed to cut, burn, and blast their way to the bridge. It was here for the first time that his crew got to see Arkoh as something more than the cold but brilliant captain. For as the two remaining Mandalorians blast through the doors Arkoh did not even reach for his blaster. Moving forward with such speed that none had imagined he had in him Arkoh quickly attacked both of the Mandalorians. Despite the prowess of these two warriors, they were weary, and they certainly had not expected to encounter a master of two martial arts - but they gave a good account of themselves, they were Mandalorians after all. One even managed to split open Arkoh's lip, but paid dearly for it as the Arkanian then redirected the blow and drove his elbow hard into the neck of the man. With one Mandalorian struggling to breathe Arkoh turned to the other, he was more tired than the other, and the Arkanian disarmed him and then at pointblank shot him through the head. His fellow charged, but Arkoh simply sidestepped and hit him on the back of the neck with the butt of the pistol, he crumpled to the ground. Another shot, and Arkoh turned to face the eyes of his bridge,

"Is that transport clear yet?"

He asked perfectly and almost seemingly not out of breath, someone hurriedly checked a console and nodded.

"Good then get us off the ground, and send me a medical droid."

The ship lurched and quickly made for space. His men would not forget the sight of their captain calmly seated after dispatching two members of the most feared warrior peoples in the galaxy. The Arkanian knew that in that moment his men would never doubt him, he had proven that he not only possessed the mind to lead but the body too.

As the war dragged on for another year Arkoh and the Aegis saw plenty of service, but never seemed to find the main front of the war. Moreover Arkoh had been denied promotion to Rear-Admiral, a post he desperately wanted as he believed the war needed his insight - and a captain had little say over the grand strategy or even the tactics of battle.

The Mandalorians desired freedom, that was the call of their new crusader and their new Mandalore. Some in the Republic may say that the Mandalorians were unfairly treated, or if only we had greater dialogue with them that peace and freedom for all could be achieved. Arkoh did not hold to such specious things, he understood the way of things; that what is right is only in question between equals in power, in all other cases the strong do what they can and the weak suffer what they must. Oh how some posturing senator may pretend otherwise, but this was the rule before the Republic, this is the rule of the Republic, and it shall remain after the Republic. Arkoh was a realist, not some simpering idealist. He fought for the Republic because its rule was more gentle than others would be with the same power, but it was still rule by the strongest nonetheless.

But he could test none of his ideas or strategies, he just had to follow orders. Without some great battle to his name and the popular opinion that followed there was little chance that he would be promoted any time soon. So Arkoh set his teeth and along with the crew of the Aegis set to work. They would do their duty, and the Force be with them, because they would destroy their and the Republic's foes - Arkoh was determined on this course.

Password:
(Couldn't find this in either the rules, plot, or the app guideline, if I have missed it sorry)

RP Sample:
Arkoh sat across from the little Rodian journalist, her fingers tapping across the holopad rapidly, crossing a leg over Arkoh inclined his head with a smile,

"Mind if I smoke?"

The Rodian shook her head and looked slightly puzzled, Arkoh opened a little silver case and tapping the cigarette on the case then produced a lighter from another pocket. Inhaling deeply and savouring the taste for sometime before exhaling with a shrug,

"A bad habit I picked up from a Corellian smuggler I transported back to Coruscant once, I think he thought he could buy off the impressionable young ensign." He smiled and motioning for a waiter to bring him an ashtray. "Now I believe you had some questions regarding certain budget items?"

The Rodian twitched as if waking up and nodded enthusiatically, and then launched into what was clearly a prepared speech,

"Yes, and my readers - I write for the largest holo news network in the core to be clear - shan't be swayed from having the truth. I have sniffed out senatorial scandals, and I assure you the military cannot be immune from oversight just because of a war."

Arkoh nodded as if in agreement, the tattoo he tapped with a finger on his knee and the slightly more frequent puffs of his cigarette the only indication of his annoyance - and seeing as the Rodian had never met him before today Arkoh felt confident that she would not notice, and she hadn't.

The conversation droned on, he answered her questions as he had been told to, their drinks came and still she hammered on; the drinks were refilled and the meals arrived, and not even the shoveling of food into her mouth seemed to stop her questions. He wondered if she would notice if he got up and left, because by now it seemed her questions followed so closely on each other that he barely had time to answer. Finally as their meals were carried away, Arkoh put out his third cigarette, and he asked for some lovely Corellian whisky to be brought, the Rodian stopped. He could not help himself, and with a smirk asked,

"All done, or just finally stopping for a breath?"

The Rodian was good natured enough to laugh, and put down the holopad as the two glasses arrived. Raising a glass she offered a toast,

"To the Republic?"

"The Republic." Arkoh replied and took a deep draught, the warm and spicy liquid flowed down his throat, and he let out a contented sigh.

"What is your opinion on the war?"

"On or off the record?"

"Fine, off the record then."

"We are losing, the mid-rim itself is exposed for attack, we are in for a long and difficult war... and our winning is not certain."

"Are things that bad?"

"They could be worse, but yes they are not in a good place. Our forces are tired, stretched, fighting two foes and without the full support of the Jedi Order..."

The Rodian nursed her whiskey, and the Arkanian lent back and shrugged. "Of course I could be wrong..." He offered, but he knew otherwise.

After some more time of general chatter, Arkoh was politic enough to understand that offending the press would not serve the Republic Navy, so even though he had not been able to answer her questions as fully as she would have liked; nonetheless the Rodian was sufficiently charmed and mollified by the Arkanian captain's charms and good looks - the Rear-Admiral for Media Relations knew his man.

Eventually Arkoh got up and left, his strides purposeful and the gentle click of his military boots on the floor echoed around him. The journalist watched the picturesque Arkanian leave for longer than she would admit. As he wander back towards the Republic Navy offices Arkoh mentally went over what else he had to do that day.

[Thaddeus]

Completed and awaiting review

Hopefully I haven't done anything too horribly wrong, let me know if I have and I will change it straight away. Can't wait to get writing with you all.

Thad

[Neology]

Hello, Thaddeus! Once again, welcome to SWU! I hope you stick around for a long time. Let's get started, here.

Appearance
The interview premise is interesting, but I have to ask you to redo this section. We're looking for a factual account of what your character looks like, preferably without too much opinion. Also, would you mind removing the italics? Putting large sections in a specialized typeface tends to make it difficult to read.

Personality
This section looks more or less fine to me. Kudos, by the way. It's interesting to see someone really take strongly to one of the near-humans cultures.

Skills
You can trim this down a bit. You don't need to mention basic training and such, since it's inferred by your character's position as a Republic officer.

Attributes
I would consider bringing speed down and bringing leadership up a little bit. Your character seems quite ambitious about raising in the ranks; higher than average leadership skills might do him some good there.

I'd also consider bringing melee weapons and strength down, since you do go to some trouble to describe him as a agile unarmed fighter. Strength being slightly lower would also fit with the characters low-side of average weight.

Overall, I want you be aware that your stats here are pretty good, with nothing lower than a 4 in something he should be competently trained in. To a certain extent, this makes sense, Arkanian geneticists being what they are. Just don't be surprised if a mod asks you to change something here later.

Bio
The content here looks good, I think. Someone that knows a little bit more about the military might have better insight then me, though.

You could benefit from a proofread, as some of your sentences are a little difficult to follow. Try reading it aloud to yourself or check out this site. Do note that stylistic choices wont preclude you from character approval.

Password
Uh... I don't really know anything about this, other than that it's not on the apps for any of the other sections. A mod will have to weigh in.

RP Sample
Proofread. As is, Arkoh smiles three times in the first sentence. :3


Overall, very nice for your first app! Mostly, I just need you to redo the appearance section. Let me know when you've done that.

[Thaddeus]

Woot

Thanks for those suggestions, edits and changes made as directed by Neo. Hopefully that is more acceptable now.

Thanks again,

Thad

[Talau the Ever-Lurking]

Just some notes from an old hand. Decided to drop by after seeing your convo with Neo in the cbox…

WARNING: I have claws and I use them...

Appearance: ‘Echani’ is a race/species…not a martial art. The martial art the Echani themselves practiced really had no name because it wasn’t exactly specific…it was, simply, that the art of martial combat was more ritualistic and had strict rules and etiquette that had to be followed. This, coupled with the year and years of training in martial arts (specifically unarmed combat) allowed them to read others in combat much more effectively. So, if you’re going to use this in his appearance section, you’re going to have to specify what exactly it was from the echani martial practice/arts that he took that made him so graceful. –get my meaning? If you don’t want to do all that =shrug= I suppose you could cut it down to ‘Echani martial arts’….either way, just ‘Echani’ doesn’t cut it there as a description of what you want.

Personality: well done.

Stats: meh…no thanks, I’m not in the business any more xD

Bio:

By the time he was 10 Arkoh was as well-read and erudite as most graduates from the core-world's universities

Might want to tone that statement down a bit. Even as a genetic ‘masterpiece’ that ‘masterpiece’ is subjective to the parents (arkinians, remember? Of course their child would be a masterpiece and the smartest one around) …but I digress. The point here is that that’s illogical. /Spock. First, by looking at your stats, he’s not a genius…I was well read by 10, reading (more or less) at college level…but that doesn’t mean I was as well learned as a college graduate. Furthermore, as you’ve stated yourself, he wasn’t enhanced to be a genius, his brain was ‘wired’ for other pursuits. It’s well and good that you build him up to be a well read, ‘erudite’ as you put it, person (even at a young age) but…let’s be realistic. Without having a ‘genius’ stat in there (I know I said I wouldn’t touch the stats, but old habits…I looked at them), and building him up as a genius, a ten year old wouldn’t be able to keep up with a college grad who’s worth their salt. To further that point, his older brother (at 15) and who was ‘built’ to be brains…is STILL only going off to the university at 15. How did Arkoh surpass him in learning enough to be equal to those who’ve already passed college?

He learnt the two arts alongside each other

This is really more of a personal opinion than something I would know first hand…however, I do know several people who’ve studied martial arts, and one who teaches, so I feel fairly confident in my opinion. While I totally understand your desire to have Arkoh fly through the chosen martial arts together, it’s not a good idea. I know you’ve said that he got a good, swift, whalloping when he got things twisted…but that really isn’t my point. The point here is that, when learning most things (and trying to master them) it’s a good idea to do them one at a time. People spend almost their whole lives attempting to master a martial art, those who simply want to be good at their specific art spend years at it (and by ‘good’ I mean good enough to be in a competition and win), focusing solely on one, specific, art…then, if they wish, they might move on to the next.

Now, maybe others would feel differently about this, but personally? I think martial arts are hard. They require a lot of focus, a lot of training, a lot of dedication and a lot is required of your body. Even for an enhanced arkinian it would still be a lot, especially while suffering growing pains. It’s easy for a person to injure themselves while they’re body is further developing…it can either end up very good for them or very bad. If his parents were wise, they likely would have known enough that if they wanted Arkoh to be the best, he should dedicate himself fully to one art, and then use that knowledge to help him more swiftly develop the other instead of him trying to balance both at once and have more than a few problems getting them down without getting mixed up.

Now, with that I move on to my next…erm…opinion. (Very opinionated, aren’t I?)

they would run him for days, make him stand motionless or in one particular guard of their art for hours, and if he relented or asked for something they would beat him mercilessly

Run him for hours, yes! Stand in a particular stance, yes! Hours?…debatable, very debatable. Here’s my true problem, however…unless you have the masters from hell it is very, very extremely unlikely that they would ‘beat him mercilessly.’ Now, if his parents specifically found masters who would provide a sound and exceptionally bad beating for something so stupid, please specify that…otherwise, the point of a martial art is not to bet the pupil to a pulp when they show a lapse after ‘hours’ or ask for something, it is to harden yourself, hone yourself.

On teras kasi’s wookiepeedia page the very first thing you see is a quote: “the art of teras kasi is about control and mastery of one’s self.” It says nothing about forceful beatings, it implies nothing about gain through pain…it’s all about mastery. So far you’ve built Arkoh up to be a self-motivated person…by that reasoning alone he would be motivated enough to push through anything. A good master would accept this and forgive small lapses…a great master would welcome his motivation and understand small lapses enough not to beat him. Furthermore, on teras kasi, if you look at the ‘followers of palawa’ page, you would see that the form was created to help defend against force users. To defend against something you have to understand it and how it works (to some degree)…in their case, jedi specifically. They would have an understanding that jedi can be extremely patient and deal without emotion…why would they do something to build up mal emotions in their pupil, then? Also, the followers of palawa (creators and primary practitioners of teras kasi) were able to master a deep trance through meditation…meditation requires a calm mind, not one built and fueled by anger and hate borne of beatings. So, at the very least, the beatings from a teras kasi mentor would be nearly opposite of what they’d want to accomplish with their student: a calm and calculating mind as well as a hardened body.

As for the echani master…while I can see beatings happening, I don’t see them perhaps how you may intend. The echani would want superior fighting skills and ability to read others. Chances are much, much, higher that he would get beatings by his mentor engaging him in duels to teach lessons. Example: if Arkoh decided to mouth off or not pay attention to instruction or was caught bragging or some such, I could completely see his mentor giving him a good solid arse-whooping in a duel that both of them would know he couldn’t win just to get across the point that “hey, kid, STFU and pay attention, don’t mouth off, and don’t brag because there’s always someone who can beat you down”….this could, perhaps, be extended to “hey kid, if you don’t practice how I tell you, you’re gonna be knocked flat on your rear because you won’t be up to snuff” if he slacked off in the middle of doing something because he got tired. Asking for something, however…I just don’t buy it…at all.

Now, moving on:

Question: If his parents hired a master, why on earth did he best them at 17?
Let me explain something: a master, in anything, is just that…nearly the pinnacle of whatever particular subject it is in question…this one is martial arts. Now, in many cases (especially the SWU) the term master is used for any mentor who teaches you. Jedi padawans get masters to teach them…but technically, they only get knights to teach them because true masters are much, much harder to come by. Master, in that case, is just a formality…it’s just another word for teacher. Now, let me rephrase my question from earlier: did his parents hire on masters or did they hire on mentors/instructors? If it’s the latter, you should probably specify that…if they hired real masters those people would be with him through the long haul.

Now, while I can see the pros and cons of both sides, I think that (in this case) his parents might have been better off hiring instructors to start off with. They could be people who were simply meant to teach him the basics and then let go once he caught up to their abilities to teach. It would have been cheaper, more efficient and would have been a good first step in his path, laying the groundwork for later when the real masters were brought in for the long haul. Also, remember, he’s only been training for seven years…while that may seem like a lot, in martial arts…that may not be the case.

Alright – I’m going to pause here with one thing….and this is, for me, a major gripe: I see praise….lots and lots and lots of praise and building up for how great Arkoh is, and will be….but I see no FLAWS!!! Where….where oh where are your flaws? I’m sorry, but I don’t count ‘he’s cold and stern and kind of a stuck up John Thomas, yo’ (pardon the language) as flaws…especially if you don’t reinforce it enough to seem like a flaw. Now, I get it “arkinian”…genetically engineered to be ‘perfect’, and I get that I’m still fairly early on in his life…but c’mon. I’m at 23, and he’s only 36. Unless something really happens in there to give him some real personality, flaws, and body…he’s looking too much like ‘I’m mister cookie cutter perfect’ and not enough like ‘hey, this guy seems pretty well rounded…not too perfect and not too messed up’.

What I’m getting at here is just this: so far you’ve been so focused (it seems) on building up his reasons for having uber martial arts capability that he seems pretty one dimensional, and that dimension is ‘perfect’…which makes my spidey senses tingle in a bad way.

Now…stick with me here!

Your writing is very good, you’ve got kudos for that. His personality and appearance blurbs are excellent save for one or two minor bits (easily fixed!)…and you can totally fill this guy out with what you have already! Also, like I said, I’ve paused in the middle…who knows, maybe I’m missing out on all the juicy character development bits that were lacking in the first part…but I’m calling ‘em like I see ‘em.

So…here’s my suggestion, take or leave it…but at least think it over: find something to focus on as a flaw you want to build up and build into him…or maybe just several smaller flaws that he can carry with him through his life…really think it over. Go back through and build it into your bio. Show us how it develops and really becomes a flaw. REINFORCEMENT FTW!

Also, show us how he is with his family, eh? Yeah, you tell us (sort of) how he feels about them but…idk, it just feels lacking somehow. Can’t put my finger on it.

~*~*~*~

Okay so I half-skimmed the rest of your bio just looking for anything I could pick out as far as flaw development. Didn’t really see a lot, but I did see one thing that concerns me. Easy fix, though. Frigates are not small ships. They’re not meant to be lifting off from a planet, no matter what LucasArt tried to make us believe with that scene in whichever of the ‘new/old trilogy’ nonsense it was….attack of the clones? Idk…the bit at the end where all the ships were lifting off from planet side and clones everywhere…yeahno. There are places like the KDY and Corellian ship rings for a reason…ships that big just aren’t meant to leave atom time and time again…it would be hard enough he first time! Troops would be dropped on drop ships, so sorry hun, but the Aegis would have to stay space bound. Find another way for boarders to get on it…I’m sure there could be one.

Did he go through officer school? I’m assuming he did…that would mean a lot of focus on procedure, leadership, tactics, etc and less of a focus on combat outside of strategy. Not sure if the knee-to-nads bit was from enlistment or not, but just putting that out there…like I said, I super skimmed.

So, lastly, on the point of mandalorians…hmm. The reason for the mando side of the war is not from wanting to prove strength. It certainly didn’t start out that way. While true, killing the Mandalore wouldn’t stop the mando forces, it isn’t simply because they would all have to be bested to earn respect…it’s because they’re essentially fighting for their freedom (which is how it started out) and now (from what I’m aware) they’re fighting to pay back the damage that had been done to them. No doubt it’ll morph over time and play but I’m just giving you a heads up as to why the fighting with the mandos started and why they’re going to be so passionate about it this time around.

[Dutch]

Jun 26, 2014 10:49:17 GMT -5 Talau the Ever-Lurking said:

So, lastly, on the point of mandalorians…hmm. The reason for the mando side of the war is not from wanting to prove strength. It certainly didn’t start out that way. While true, killing the Mandalore wouldn’t stop the mando forces, it isn’t simply because they would all have to be bested to earn respect…it’s because they’re essentially fighting for their freedom (which is how it started out) and now (from what I’m aware) they’re fighting to pay back the damage that had been done to them. No doubt it’ll morph over time and play but I’m just giving you a heads up as to why the fighting with the mandos started and why they’re going to be so passionate about it this time around.

What Talau the Ever-Lurking said here is accurate. Once a Mandalore falls, another rises to take their place. Their current incursion started as a bid for their freedom, and through an alliance with the Sith they have finally been able to break their own chains.

Now it is a full blown crusade to conquer worlds and strengthen their standing in the galaxy. They're pretty whipped into a frenzy over how their last Mandalore (who freed them) was killed by the Republic, which was pretty much the straw that broke the bronto's back for them after years of oppression.

Hope that helps clear up the current Mandalorian state for you!

Other than that, both Talau the Ever-Lurking and Neology have been spot on with their reviews for the most part, listen to what they have advised and we'll get Arkoh on the boards soon!

Though a quick note that was brought up to me: If Arkoh is just bloody arrogant, well that's just how he is yes? Though a flaw or two is always something nice to see, it's perfectly normal for a flawed person to still be arrogant

- Dutch

[Thaddeus]

Jun 26, 2014 10:49:17 GMT -5 Talau the Ever-Lurking said:

Okay so I half-skimmed the rest of your bio just looking for anything I could pick out as far as flaw development. Didn’t really see a lot, but I did see one thing that concerns me. Easy fix, though. Frigates are not small ships. They’re not meant to be lifting off from a planet, no matter what LucasArt tried to make us believe with that scene in whichever of the ‘new/old trilogy’ nonsense it was….attack of the clones? Idk…the bit at the end where all the ships were lifting off from planet side and clones everywhere…yeahno. There are places like the KDY and Corellian ship rings for a reason…ships that big just aren’t meant to leave atom time and time again…it would be hard enough he first time! Troops would be dropped on drop ships, so sorry hun, but the Aegis would have to stay space bound. Find another way for boarders to get on it…I’m sure there could be one.

Thanks for the response, will edit the bio and make it clearer as I think a lot of the problem comes from my interminable writing Sorry.

Just responding to the above quotation, the Aegis is an Axehead-class frigate which according to wookieepedia does indeed land and drop off troops, etc. starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Axehead_frigate

Thanks again for the review, changes incoming

And thanks Dutch for your response to that cleared up a lot, hopefully will make my bio clearer to.

Thad

[Talau the Ever-Lurking]

Righto. I didn't look everything up since I was honestly half arsing it...but anyway, clarification goes a long way!

cheers!

[Dutch]

I started a review, but as I got to the bio section I realized that so far I had zero qualms with the app. After giving it more of a look over, I feel happy slapping this on:



Accepted Stats:

Skills:
Advanced space-combat tactics & strategy, basic ground-combat tactics & strategy, and Teras Kasi & Echani martial arts.

Languages:
Basic, & Arkanian

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 5
Intelligence: 6
Speed: 6
Leadership: 6

Unarmed: 7
Melee Weapons: 4
Ranged Weapons: 4

[Mara]

Just a note:

Not sure if this would matter... but a while back we had a ship (a bigger one) named the Aegis, used in a different plot...

Not sure if there would be any confusion; it's been a few years since that ship was even RPed on/with. But just an FYI.

[Talau the Ever-Lurking]

Jun 27, 2014 12:26:41 GMT -5 Mara said:

Just a note:

Not sure if this would matter... but a while back we had a ship (a bigger one) named the Aegis, used in a different plot...

Not sure if there would be any confusion; it's been a few years since that ship was even RPed on/with. But just an FYI.

Yeah, I thought there was too...but since it's not been in use I doubt there'll be any problems, really. =shrug= Whoever's posting will know if they're talking about the other one, should they be referring to it...they can always clarify if there's any need for it should that happen.

[Dutch]

Let us not spam ladies

LOCKED

[Neology]

Moved to inactive.