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last online May 12, 2024 2:49:05 GMT -5
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Aug 6, 2014 22:37:31 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2014 22:37:31 GMT -5
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Thaddeus
Double Majoring in Moonfire and Neology
282 posts
89 likes
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last online Jan 16, 2015 2:57:43 GMT -5
Padawan
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Aug 6, 2014 23:32:20 GMT -5
Post by Thaddeus on Aug 6, 2014 23:32:20 GMT -5
(In point of fact, this whole section is confusing as hell. What are these numbers?? Why are they important? Neither this or that explain why we record stats, and how they impact my RP, yet I have seen many bio reviews where stats are a prime issue. Please explain, as my mod said they were not a big deal, yet these pages said to be realistic, so how are they not a big deal? (>.>) Stats "What Are You!!") Hey Vas Just going to quickly weigh in on this question, with the caveat that I am not staff, but here goes. Stats are designed as a quick and easy guide for the ability of your character in an area, they are not hard and fast (i.e. someone with a 9 in strength will not always win an arm wrestle with someone who has a 6 in strength) nor are they distinct from your writing ability (so say your character has a 9 in intelligence but your writing is unable to make him sound like a genius then the 9 ain't going to fly). They are there for when people are mid thread with you, and want to quickly check how good your character is at something without trawling through the bio or pestering you with a message on their accuracy with a blaster. For me personally I find it easiest to think of stats as how your character is in that particularly area on their best day, and of course not every day is their best day; thus meaning that sometimes the guy who knows more or is stronger or quicker or whatever goes down anyway, because hey nobody is perfect. Hope that makes sense somewhat, ultimately don't stress over them too much I say no one really pays them a massive amount of attention, what is more important is your writing - and hey your bio looks pretty cool! Haven't read it all yet, but will do! Thad
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Thaddeus
Double Majoring in Moonfire and Neology
282 posts
89 likes
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last online Jan 16, 2015 2:57:43 GMT -5
Padawan
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Aug 11, 2014 1:59:24 GMT -5
Post by Thaddeus on Aug 11, 2014 1:59:24 GMT -5
Hey Vas! Let’s hop straight into the review shall we? Name, Age, Race, Birth place, Height, Weight, Eye colour, and Hair colour are all solid. Before addressing the particulars of the Appearance, and Personality sections I want to just mention that with these sections try to keep the style more objective. For example, “He does keep a pair of sunglasses that are pretty beast though” while an amusing line is more a subjective opinion than an objective statement about his appearance. Feel free to add that he believes them to look “beast” but try to separate what your character believes about their appearance or themselves from what is the objective truth. Okay apart from that the Appearance is pretty good, well done. Personality you will have to excuse me my bluntness here, but it appears that Vas literally has no fault for which he does not also possess the ability to compensate for. You say he is a “planner” and yet is capable to adapt to situations on the fly, or that he is “bang on” in terms of the training and duty and all things about being a Jedi but yet he left the Order, or that he has a temper but it never gets out of hand. Further you say he hates being made to stand down, and add that when he pushes on he “saves the day.” This is where you really need to bring the objectivity in, Vas may believe he is saving day, but does he in reality? Does he not just compound violence with violence, does he not set off untold consequences for his actions, and for whom does he save the day, and does he necessarily accomplish it? I think a lot of these problems with the personality are because you have taken a subjective style with your writing, which while amusing, is not really what is called for in these two sections. Profession, Mastery Level, Previous Faction/Rank, Equipment, Starship, Skills, Lightsaber & colour are all ace so no worries there. I will come back to the Practiced Lightsaber forms, Force-Sensitive Attributes, Specialised Powers, and Attributes after we have gone through the bio. You give a nice and detailed family for him, which is nice to see, and you add a cool little origin story for his name also cool. No problems with how he came to the Jedi, a fairly stock standard way. You lay a nice little foundation stone for his eventual departure from the Order in his youngling years so very nicely done. I will say though that, “what little is known” is not going to pass muster sorry. His early life doesn’t have to be filled with detail or awesome events, after all for the most part life in the Temple as a youngling is monotonous. However the unreliable narrator just isn’t permissible. You give a nice description of how egotistical he was during his youngling years, which suits the age of the character nicely. Okay the next section and a half of the bio is going to need a wee bit of work. Because you introduce Jedi Knight Padraigin saying, Which is fine, but then much later at the end of the Stones section you have Now this is more than a little confusing, because basically it appears as if you have Vas being taken as a padawan twice by the same master with 11 intervening years between the two events – which makes him old enough to be a knight by the second time, or way too young to be a padawan the first time. This needs to be cleared up. Nice first mission for the pair, and well written. However at the end while I understand the symbolism of his master giving him her old blade this really ain’t going to work. For two reasons: firstly during the creation process a lightsaber’s crystal is changed via the Force, and is attuned to the person who created it, so while it might work it wouldn’t work as well for him as one he made himself; secondly, and most importantly, the creation of a lightsaber from scratch is an essential step in becoming a Jedi Knight. This line here from Master Padraigin makes it sound like she subscribes to the Potentium belief. For the record the Potentium belief is not accepted by the Jedi, they believe that Light and Dark sides were distinct aspects of the Force, not the more consequentialist approach of Potentium believers. Just a heads up that this would make her exceptionally unorthodox, almost iconoclastic. The Jedi Temple is exceptionally well equipped for the training of Jedi; there is no need for him to have built this. You can reliable say there were walls and heavy objects for him to practice with. Also I would be willing to bet heavy construction in the training rooms is a no-no, like running with scissors. Pushing on then (get it? Hehe). Right. This reference to Odan-Urr doesn’t really make much sense in the context, he was a scholar and librarian who refined the Jedi Code, not a great warrior. If you are referring to his encounter and demise at the hands of Exar Kun he was entirely on the defensive. Okay next, A longer hilt would not make the weapon swing with any greater force, unless you are adding length so as to make it easier to grasp with two hands – though this would make more unwieldy with one hand. Also a lightsaber is not a normal sword, its blade is actually weightless the only weight coming from the hilt (this is why a melee swordsmanship doesn’t directly translate into skill with a lightsaber), and doesn’t take much strength to wield. So I am not sure what a longer hilt would do for the strength of his strokes. The Force conceived of as the Unifying Force is what the Jedi believed granted visions; the metaphysical concept of the Living Force is not really seen as being part of that. Okay this is going to need to be clarified, because I have no idea what he is asking his former master and the Grandmaster of the Jedi Order to do… Also you have his master still training him after his knighting, now while the relationship may continue and no doubt she would continue to offer him advice, the actually minutiae of training him would not. He is a Jedi Knight not a padawan, he has duties to attend to and is considered able enough to continue his studies independently. If he is not up to this then they won’t promote him. So I would suggest moving the extra training that his master is given him to before he is knighted, or else alter it so it isn’t training but instead advice offered between peers. However I do have one particular point from this I want to pick up on, Okay Force Grip is a Dark Side power, and if you are using it to hurt a living being then that goes against everything the Jedi teach – no Jedi would use it thusly, and they would never advise someone to. While some of her teachings may walk the line, to teach this is to cross so far over it you would no longer be able to see it. Sorry but this just can’t happen. Anyway pushing on, Seeing as there no date nearby I just wanted to make sure that you are aware that on SWU the Sith Order has only returned in the last 3 years, so perhaps just clarify that this occurs within the last 3 years. Righto that is the major stuff I can see at the moment, let’s return to the stats. Practiced Lightsaber forms; right the Shii-Cho is all good obviously though I am not sure there is enough evidence or reason for both Soresu and Shien. Also I would like you to take a moment to consider the fact that the philosophy behind the two forms is actually quite distinct. Soresu being far more defensive, while Shien more quickly riposting. So what I would suggest doing is dropping the 5 in one of them down to a 4. Think about which one’s philosophy better reflects Vas’ psychology in battle. Force-Sensitive Attributes obviously you will need a new explanation for the destruction stat being above 0. I don’t see much evidence of using the Force to heal, bolstering your own physical abilities in combat so as to shrug off wounds is not healing that is why the body stat is there. So to be entirely honest I would say put heal down a couple of points to 1 or 2. You make a big deal out of telekinetic talents so I don’t have an issue with that being an 8. The telepathic though is quite high, and I am not sure why, perhaps bring that down to a 5. Attributes right the intelligence stat is not at all reasonable, I really see no evidence for it. 7 is approaching genius level intellect, so yeah bring that down to a 5. Otherwise they all look good. Okay that is all from me for now, post a reply when you have made those edits and someone will give it another look over. Excited to see Vas out and about. Thad
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Pembleton
Endorsed by Squee, Loved by Dutch, Sort of hated by Dire, Neology's Lizard, Directed by Faeruy
111 posts
54 likes
Board-certified D-Bag
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last online Sept 12, 2014 3:03:44 GMT -5
Padawan
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Aug 11, 2014 15:20:20 GMT -5
Post by Pembleton on Aug 11, 2014 15:20:20 GMT -5
Okeyday, so, Thad has already given you a look (and all of his advice is worth considering, because he is a smartiepants), but here is my belated in-depth review. Where Thad and I may deviate, feel free to pick sides. Some of what I'm looking for is more in the nature of fact-checking for consistency within the bio and compared to canon, so there will be things here that aren't noted in the previous review.
Appearance: Avoid the first person/informal tone. “It's fair enough to say that Makari is handsome, I guess.” “He does keep a pair of sunglasses that are pretty beast though.” “His clothes since leaving the Jedi Order are kept utilitarian, and by that I simply mean…”
Personality: Not sure about your note (also, if you have notes, you might mark them so they’re easily distinguished from the rest of your bio for readability). If your personality isn’t what you think you want, then change it before acceptance; free license to change your bio as needed isn’t really what we do. After it’s accepted, you need a mod to approve changes to major sections like that.
Again, avoid the first and second person/informal tone. “I mean, he has his strengths, yesindeedy.” “He's not against conversation, or like, a hardcore introvert or anything.” “Often times, when you're trying to talk to him…” “But, I note this, because so far in life, his quick thinking attitude doesn't serve, or should I say, hasn't served him well…”
Starship: Needs to be specified, what kind of ship is this?
Lightsaber: Remove your parenthetical about the color, it’s (super awesome brilliant) unnecessary.
Saber Stats: Please note these as just a single number, the staff all know the scales and it’s easier to read that way.
Your note is pretty confusing; I can’t tell exactly what you’re questioning. I’ve seen mods go both ways about what I *think* you're wondering, so here’s my personal feeling; Backhanded, Jar’kai, and double-bladed don’t work exactly the same as full-on Forms. If you’re learning your forms with a style adjustment, then consider them as attached to the rest of the training. As far as Shien/Djem So – I personally consider them separate Forms, and training in one of them does not mean training in the other. However, staff has disagreed on this before, so get somebody higher up than me to verify this.
Force Stats: I sincerely doubt that this character has a 9 at this age. Honestly, I’m leery about the 8. But I’ll have to look at the bio.
I would personally recommend off the bat dropping TP and TK to a 6/7 combo. Force Choke/Grip/Crush would necessitate, I think, higher Destruction scores, and Crush especially would need an exceptional TK score.
Again, stats as one number, please, for readability.
Attributes: These should be fine. Please, stats as one number.
Please see the Fringe Notes (which you should have read before you created this character) for an explanation of how stats work and how we determine what is reasonable for a character based on what is exhibited in the bio.
Bio: I’m gonna say right now that I hope these quotes and pictures aren’t a running thing. Style is all well and good, but they do make your bio harder to read; we prefer it be kept to statements of fact in a technical style. You have your whole RP career with this character to add flash.
Please use the Battle of Yavin as your calendar marker. In-character, we would probably use the Hyperspace War, as you are, but it’s easier for a reader to understand the Yavin calendar.
How did people know Jaku was Force-sensitive, and thusly attribute his piloting skills to that?
Your years seem off – the first heading says 1400, but apparently his parents were already married in the late 1350s. If he was born in 1400, his mother would be pretty old to be having a child. But then at the same time, you throw out the number 1362/63.
Not sure where you’re getting this system of naming conventions, because I don’t see it on the Wookiee. These are Corellians, the people who churned out such distinguished names as “Wedge” and “Jagged,” so what you’re trying to say doesn’t make much sense to me. It’s also a huge block of unnecessary text that doesn’t add much, imo.
Please avoid mid-bio dialogue, even if you decide to keep the section quotes.
Please avoid the ellipses; again, we want this in a formal, technical style.
I honestly have no idea what any of this means.
And none of the Jedi tried to curtail this? You’re more or less saying that he ignored all the important stuff about being a Jedi; how did this kid ever make Padawan?
You seem to be trying to say there’s no “official” records of his youth, and that “little is known” about it. That may be the case in-character, but make sure the bio is all-inclusive. Even if his closest friends don’t know something about him (even if he doesn’t know something about himself), we need to know it. Besides which, he’s a Corellian kid who was a Jedi; why wouldn’t there be records of him? Neither Coruscant nor Corellia is a backwater.
Again, avoid the 1st/2nd person.
You’re saying the Jedi played favorites, to the extent that it impacted his socialization with other younglings? Doesn’t sound very wise of the wisest guys around.
Acceptualism isn’t a word.
What coming trials are younglings preparing for? Those typically happen when they’re around 18-22.
He’s described as an extremely prideful youngling. Not sure if I remember that in the personality section, and again, why didn’t the Jedi discourage this?
Padraigin seems quite willing to indulge his need for praise. This is not how Jedi work.
We know what a remote is and how Jedi train with them, you don’t need to describe it. It just takes up space. I also have no idea why hearing he’s good at it forces him to go super-gung-ho about it, or what is meant by him using it as a crutch.
Is this throwaway line about a Kiffar able to defend against 7 droids meaningful in any way?
Avoid mid-bio dialogue.
You’ve got a lot of randomly-italicized words that detract from the tone of the bio.
I have no idea what these realizations have to do with him lifting the stone.
I don’t think lightsaber training is technically referred to in terms of katas, but I’m more surprised by the random insertion of form 3 – you haven’t mentioned it before this point.
You don’t keep a very clean timeline – please refrain from jumping back and forth between different points in training, youngling years, Padawanship, etc. Keep it in a straight chronological order.
Please specify the names of planets that he visits.
His master just…doesn’t seem very Masterly to me. If I were the Council, I would have some major reservations about giving this person a Padawan, since she apparently can’t even keep herself calm during very important, very delicate diplomatic negotiations.
Please refrain from mid-bio dialogue.
Can’t stop you from using pictures entirely, but pictures from the canon are forbidden, for obvious reasons.
Padawans typically build their first lightsabers, but I don’t know that this is something anybody would hold you back for. You'll find that lightsabers not attuned to the wielder don't work as well. I am slightly amused by the name, though, and its lack of explanation.
Again, why is this not-very-Jedi-like person thought responsible enough for a Padawan?
Any means necessary =/= the Jedi way.
SHE IS TELLING HIM TO EMBRACE THE DARK SIDE THAT IS NOT WHAT JEDI DO
Honestly, all of your Force Philosophy and mystic pronouncements are self-contradictory and hard to understand.
Avoid mid-bio dialogue.
His skill really shouldn’t be her main concern – she more or less ignored his impulsive attack, which is something he’d be reprimanded for before anybody thought he was ready for more fighting, especially aggressive forms.
Mid-bio dialogue.
You introduce Soresu at age 18, but I recall previously noting that it had been mentioned earlier in the bio.
This seems a little inaccurate. Plenty of students of all philosophies have used Soresu.
Padraigin continues to seem like a super-duper maverick Jedi, and a pretty irresponsible one to be handling an apprentice. Is she really good at hiding from the Council how radical her views are, or do they just not see that she’s basically sowing mistrust of the Order’s methods into her Padawan?
This seems contrary to Padraigin’s personality, but hey, I guess she can be hypocritical. ‘Do as I say, not as I do!’
I don’t understand precisely what this means. Were they mind-tricked into charging? Please clear it up.
With her hand, or the Force? Cause if it’s the former, ouch – hot!
Picture of Aayla Secura needs to be removed.
I thought we had already said he mastered Shii-Cho earlier? Also, is adding another form (one with a distinctly different focus, and backhanded no less) a good idea, since he’s also only recently started with Soresu?
The combination of these words doesn’t match your definition of the phrase. How about a simple “Learning on the job”?
I see your assertion and raise you with one word – NIMAN, which is designed to present an even approach to all combat.
How can she evaluate Silar’s mastery level when she didn’t see her last fight? Especially considering that unseen fight resulted in Silar beating 4-to-1 odds?
This seems a little quick; not only does he find her almost immediately after leaving Padraigin (story credibility dips as needed, I understand), but you did mention he’d been zipping around on mountaintops, and you’ve gotta factor in a little more time for travel and executing a thorough search pattern of each site.
Avoid mid-bio dialogue, even if you’re sneaky and don’t put quotes around it. :-P
You do say that this fails (thank goodness, because having it work would be ridiculous), but a swordsman of this caliber should be more than aware that it’s absolutely the wrong thing to do, especially in the middle of a fight that you’re actively losing.
None of this section really feels right to me. I don’t think he’d be feeling a significant loss of (physical) power from having a cybernetic hand, and lengthening the hilt of his sword might not have quite the effect you imagine. As Thad notes, lightsabers are weightless anyways – lengthening the fulcrum for the swing doesn’t give you any additional mass at the business end, and so shouldn’t have any effect on the velocity.
I dunno about that one. If he’s actually having doubts, I think maybe some wise figure (his master, maybe…?) should talk to him about them, rather than assuming he’s putting on a humble face.
It certainly is. So much so that I would SERIOUSLY question whether the Jedi would allow any of their members to learn it. Especially since the trial of Spirit showed them that he’s almost 98% certain to go dark.
I don’t know that I’ve ever heard this said about lightsaber/Soresu combat. You seem to be a fan of Christopher Paolini’s work. >.>
Avoid strange tense/tone shifts.
If this is how the Order is handling his assignments…why keep giving them to him? Why not recall him to the Temple and assign him noncombat duties, if they’re so worried about him in a fight? “Why attack Gyndine? Almost nothing was here, or at least, nothing of immediate needs from the Republic.” Didn’t you just describe it as a superior shipyard world?
I have to ask you to clarify exactly how long ago this was. If it was longer than 3 years ago, no mention of Sith Lords is permissible.
Avoid mid-bio dialogue.
Dunno about this statement, since I don’t really recall how old he is at this point, but remember that he wouldn’t be gaining skills as an ex-Jedi as fast as he would if he were still in the Order, so don’t overestimate how far he can progress towards Mastery.
Final Stats Eval: Lightsaber is fine.
I would personally drop a lot of your Force stats, since he’s very saber-oriented. TK I think could be argued as 7 or 8 still, with my recommendation being to drop it. TP seems like it could be much lower, it’s hardly used. Body should go up, that’s more important to Revitalize. Destruction should be dropped, if you're going to lose Force Crush.
Intelligence should definitely go down. A lot. This guy is not nearly as smart as the number implies, I’m thinking make this a 5 and maybe put a point into Strength, since again, he is a pretty martial character.
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Neology
Damsel out of Distress
1,489 posts
711 likes
addicted to bad ideas and all the beauty in this world
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last online Apr 27, 2024 19:36:01 GMT -5
Administrator
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Aug 11, 2014 22:19:25 GMT -5
Post by Neology on Aug 11, 2014 22:19:25 GMT -5
Moved to incomplete.
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