Neology likes this
Post by Moonfire on Aug 11, 2014 7:41:04 GMT -5
Hello, Nin and welcome to SWU! I'm Moonfire one of our darling Honored Vets and I'm going to be reviewing your characters here today! Yaaaaaay~!
Okay, so lets get into the meat of the things.
Name-Hair color: Looks good, looks good.
Appearance: Well great job with expanding this! Thank you very much, you certainly expanded above and beyond and painted a picture for me! Only note I have for this part is the mention of her, ummm, assets. In an application we can have no unknowns. So you can either straight up say shes had a boob job, or just leave that to the readers imagination by not mentioning it XD. Other than that, lookin' good so far.
Personality: Okay-dokie, so this was very detailed and well-worded! Always nice to see :3 Now, that said, I do have some questions. With your last line you said that Nin can kill, steal, etc with out regret. That doesn't seem to fit very well with impression you gave in the rest off it. She comes across, to me, as a very dependent personality and people like that generally desperately wish to be liked, at nearly all costs. Even if put in a position where she'd have to kill a person, would it make sense with that sort of base personality for her to react so coldly? Something to think about, anyways.
Moving right along~
Skills: No need to list the species-specific skills, let whoever you're RPing with check out Zeltrons on Wookiepedia or find out the hard way during the RP :3
Other skills look find to me, though you really don't need to explain them in that section. All your skills should be, in theory, sufficiently backed up in the bio. A word or two, if absolutely necessary, is fine.
Stats: I'll check these out one I get through the bio.
And here we gooooo!
Bio: Okay... Reading... Reading... Genesis looks fine, Exodus is good...
This voyage, however, Scarbe was killed in the action. Ni had shot his murderer, and hacked apart the body once the life support was switched off.
"]Okay, maybe a little more detail here XD What happened? No unknowns! I must know everrrryyythiiiing.
This she gave to the Miraluka to cover his eyeless sockets (they weren't empty holes, as they contained skin, but she did find herself as unsettled by them as the other creatures.)
This is unnecessary :3 You've already described in detail about the Miraluka facial structure, as well for the reader, if they can be bothered to look it up on Wookiepedia then screw 'em.
When she quietly expressed her paranoia to Merrik, he started roaming around the room. He stopped on the opposite side. She'd never seen him move so fast, but he kicked a vented panel in the wall as hard as he could. She heard a growling hiss and the vent panel flung open, and in seconds, a Nautolan was out and grappling with Merrik.
The Nautolan was one who'd made a lot of overt threats, often in the company of a male Twi'leck – who was joining him against Merrik, apparently behind him in the vent. They had been waiting for the two of them, it seemed.
The Nautolan was one who'd made a lot of overt threats, often in the company of a male Twi'leck – who was joining him against Merrik, apparently behind him in the vent. They had been waiting for the two of them, it seemed.
Well, thats something alright. I think it might be a little more believable to have had them wander into the shower area (because if Orange is the New Black has taught me anything its that beating people up in the bathrooms alone is super easy in prison) rather than hiding and crawling hundreds of feet through air vents XD
Also, for the neural whateveryacallit mentioned on Merrick, do we have a source for this being an actual star wars canon thing?
Immediately following this scene you have Nin and Merrick kill the dudes and then... Well no consequences. Explanation for why prisons being murdered in the showers is just kinda glossed over, please?
Eventually, the time came and Merrik, through whatever means, had another inmate suited up like him and going out to the asteroid.
That kind I said about 'No unknowns', that goes here as well. Quick explanation please ^^
OKAY! WE'RE DONE WITH THE BIO, YAAAAAAAAAY!
Overall thoughts; well written and fairly solid over all. Just those issues I mentioned above to my old, rusty eyes.
Now onto everyones favorite part...
Stats:
Okay, definitely need to change some stuff to reflect the bio!
For what you have in the bio currently, may I recommend these stats?
Attributes:
Physical Strength: 5
Intelligence: 5
Speed: 6
Leadership: 4
Unarmed: 3
Melee Weapons: 7
Ranged Weapons: 5
I took leadership down to a 4 because you have no real examples of her leadership abilities, and frankly, pheromones and bio-manipulations don't really count towards this. Especially with her dependent personality, I don't see her being much of a leader.
Intelligence is also brought down to a very healthy (and occasionally witty~!)5. Since she doesn't really study much beyond childhood and you show no real examples of her using her brain for much outside of being tricksy!
I also bumped down unarmed combat to even out your stats a bit more.
This is what I'd recommend anyways, please remember that stats are relative and have little bearing on how you play the character. I'm just adjusting them to what you've already shown me in your bio ^^
RP Sample: Looks good to me!
So over all just a few details and a good once over, plus some changes in stats and you're well on your way!
Good luck and please let me know if you need anything :3
