Zachariah Crow Revised

[raven420]

  
Name: Zachariah Crow

Age: 20

Race: Human

Birth place: Mandalore (Rural village)

Height: 6’0”

Weight: 175 lbs.

Eye Color: light blue (color of Siberian husky)

Hair Color: Jet black



Appearance: Zachariah stands 6'0" and weighs 200 lbs. Zachariah is considered handsome by most and is mostly known for his eyes which are very light blue. Zachariah also has jet black which is very thick and a little more than a crew cut. Zachariah tall and built his height is misguiding because he came move with exceptional speed and skill. 



Zachariah's skin is a little lighter than olive and he tans very easily. Zachariah has armor made of beskar and is black and red (the red is were the orange is and the rest is black) He carries twin blaster pistols and a rifle. Zachariah has a rounded chin and a small nose his ears are meiduim sized ears. and his cheek bone are a little below his eyes he has a little stubble around his face. 



Personality: Zachariah is calm and collected in moments of great stress he has great trust in his abilities.Zachariah is usually not very trusting of people he first meets of. He is also very trustworthy and honest with his closer friends. Zachariah is also very easygoing and sometimes generous.



Zachariah is also very stubborn when he puts his mind to something he usually gets whatever it is done. He is also very loyal when it come to friends he will never go and stab anyone of his friends in the back. Zachariah is a very joking when the time is right and very serious when he needs to be. People when the usually see him they think him a very happy person when around him but that can switch very quickly if need be 



Profession: Ex-assassian; and freelance



Equipment: Zachariah has his mandalorian Beskar armor, some sleek rounded pistols that fire laser bursts kill or stun and a laser rifle/sniper rifle and his fathers vibroblade and a vibro dagger





Starship: The Falcon





Skills:

-Skilled pilot

-Mandalorian fighting style 

-Skilled sword fighter

-Skilled Starship engineer





Attributes:

Physical Strength: 7

Intelligence: 7

Speed: 6

Leadership: 6



Unarmed: 8

Melee Weapons: 8

Ranged Weapons: 8





Bio:(0-3)



Zachariah was born to a slave mother and a Great Mandalorian warrior known as Dred but as he was born his mother passed. And he was left to his father who grieved over the passing of his wife even though she was a slave the both loved each other very much. So his father went back to his small tribe of warrior nomads who made it by as bounty hunters. So from a young age Zachariah was exposed to death



(3-8)



Zachariah's father showed him how to use a blaster as soon as his 5th birthday came. Dred told Zachariah that it was time to start pulling his weight around the tribe and gave him to the hunters of the tribe which use to warriors until they were the elders around 50-60 so for the next year Zachariah hunted with them until his blaster skills where one of the best in the tribe. When the word spread to Dred he brought his son back to him and started to teach him the mandalorian fighting style and how to fight with a blade for the next year.





(8-14)



Zachariah was naturally talented in both things his father showed him. Zachariah gained the respect of the whole tribe including Novac his father’s best friend who was in the mandalorian army and once again Dred sent Zachariah away except this time Novac took him with him on all of his assignments sometimes giving Novac covering fire from Novac's ship as Zachariah had the ship started as soon as he saw Novac and Zachariah would fly and even man the ship through fire fights. To Zachariah Novac was more of a father figure than Dred had ever been when Zachariah fell ill Novac would nurse him back to health and Zachariah would also nurse Novac back to health also. By age eleven Zachariah would follow Novac off the ship and help with the contracts. On one of Novac's contracts which is on of the most memorable was where the target was a wookie named Arri who stood at 7'6 this was on of the largest bounties Zachariah had ever seen it was 120,000 credits for the wookiee alive that was why Novac asked Zachariah to come along to show him that size doesn't always matter. the next day after they had rested they set out to watch Arri's movements to find a place to take him as they watched the wookiee through their electro binoculars seeing the large wookiee tower over all except a few very unhappy trandoshians. This would be way to easy Zachariah said to Novac but he only laughed and said just wait. After a couple of over watch switches Novac pointed to where Arri went into a alley. As Novac and Zachariah got to the end of the alley Arri came out He didn't look the least bit surprised to see the two armored mandalorians aiming at him with blasters drawn then the wookiee charged Zachariah and Novac with startling speed Novac from years of experience side stepped the wookiee but Zachariah was hit with the force that felt like a ton of bricks knocking Zachariah back fifteen meters. By that time Novac already had his blaster up and hit the wookiee with two stun shots but the wookiee didn't slow one bit this time catching Novac in the shoulder. Novac let out a curse while falling to the ground. Zachariah still reeling after the blow saw Novac go down. The wookiee walked over to Zachariah bowcaster in hand and picked him up Novac went to get up when a bolt smashed into his already broken shoulder. As Zachariah was being carried his vision kept coming in blurs first he saw the alley then the market then after a longer blackout a hanger then to a cell. after a three day hyperspace Zachariah ended up being thrown into a mine striped down to nothing but his flight suit he wore under his armor. Every man women and child stared at his dull grey suit as if it where a kingly robe which it was compared to the rags these people where wearing.after some fighting over his flight suit the whole torso was ripped off leaving only from the waist down left after weeks of grueling work which was hard on his body always working from sunup to sundown but no body except the guards knew when it was sunup and when it was sundown but the guards pushed and pushed until even the strongest could not work and by the time they went to sleep they where only given about a half a hour or a hour rest before waking them all again. all of this grueling work built Zachariah and it seem that killing was natural every new comer was striped of a article of clothing or killed and if they where killed the guards would take the bodies and burn all the bodies from the week after 3 months of backbreaking work Zachariah heard that the prisoners where planing a uprising and they where recruiting as many prisoners as they could to help with the revolt and they finally got around to Zachariah after weeks of planning they where ready and it happened when the guards where waking them they over powered them killed them and the other guards and made it to the ships as some of the other prisoner got on the ship Zachariah once they had lifted off Zachariah and they were on there way Zachariah killed each of them. And when he made it back to his village he went back to working with Novac.





(15-16)





By age fifteen Zachariah was beyond skilled than any other his age. One of the days Novac and Zachariah contract they were contacted by Dral who had worked with Zachariah's father as leaders of the clan telling them that some of the clan members had revolted against Dred. And killed Dred and claimed his leader ship and only twelve men and women loyal to Zachariah's father had gotten away the rest were killed or captured and they had made it to a small moon and set up a small outpost nothing more than a few tents and a watch tower . As Zachariah and Novac made it to the camp Dral and a few other men. Dral had told Zachariah and Novac how Dred had been killed. After which Dral gave Zachariah his father’s vibroblade to replace the one he had had over the years he had been with Novac. Even though Zachariah knew he should be mourning Dred hadn't really been much of a father figure to him. after Zachariah and Novac had been at the outpost for a couple days Dral had come to Zachariah's tent and told him it was time for the choosing of the leader and Zachariah followed Dral to the pavilion all the people at the camp where gathered there and Dral stood in the middle and spoke loud enough for all to hear "we need a leader does anyone have a decision" someone yelled Kote which didn't surprise Zachariah kote was a great warrior and a good leader and three more names where called until Novac called Zachariah and two others did also Zachariah accepted the responsibilities of being the leader after which he took great pride staying in tiptop physical condition walking up at 5 o'clock standard time every day and would train with Novac from Five to Ten o'clock it was very grueling training but it's results were great Zachariah was the best of all the warriors even kote everyone respected him.



(17-20)



A year after Zachariah was named leader he had kept his training regimen still working with Novac and sometimes Dral honing everyone of his skills  they had amassed twenty more men and women to their cause. Finally with thirty three men and women ready to die for Zachariah they went back to mandalore for revenge. When they made it there the traitor weren't ready for them but the element of surprise quickly faded away as the traitors scrambled to their ships and weapons to meet the attackers but Zachariah had already landed and Dral and Novac where at his side. Zachariah with blade in hand cut through the line of defenders stupid or battleraged enough to charge  With only 20 warriors left with the battle over they rebuilt until the village was whole again. Also some of the villager made him some armor since there was a armor smith. since his own armor was wrecked from the battle and Zachariah took Novac's ship to honor him and his memory along with a vibro dagger. But when Zachariah was twenty one of the larger tribes sacked there village only Zachariah survived this time with being an ex-assassin under his belt he tries to find work or just get by.

Rp example:

As Zachariah walked down the hall to the contact he had a strange feeling he was being watched he had already scanned the facility and only a few signatures where in the middle of it and Zachariah knew the reason they had set the coordinates in his navcomputer. Someone needed to be dead or they wanted him dead either way he'd be walking out alive that was all that mattered  and if he made a few credits all the better for him. As he reached the center he saw a large Trandoshin. A single thought flashed through his mind he's a bounty hunter. Zachariah had his blaster pistols in his hands with in a second trained on the Trandoshin. It's tounge flickered out of his mouth around his lips. The large lizard spoke "Iffff I wanted you dead you would alredy beee." All with some hisses "Then what do you want?" Zachariah asked. "I want a rival dead and you sssseem like the man for the job." "Just give me the name of him and the price and well see if you got yourself a deal."

[Valcor]

Just a few comments Raven after giving the character a brief read. First, human stats on strength cap at 7, so that number needs to come down. In addition, not saying you can't have this, but the speed stat also seems a bit high to me, as a 6' man weighing 200 pounds is going to be at least 20 pounds overweight even if he is a heavy set man. What I am getting at, is that his staggering speed is gonna need a bit more explanation and justification in the bio or it needs to come down as well.

[raven420]

ok thanks for the over look

[raven420]

changed

[Valcor]

Next comment, you don't seem to have an RP Sample. Basically just include a small snippet of how you plan on Rping this character. The sample does not have to be canon to the character and can simply be a made up situation to show how you would use the charrie. A side note, I see you have referenced Echani Martial arts as one of his skills, and reading through your bio you seem to indicate that he learned this from his clan. There are a few issues with this, one Mandalorians have their own martial arts, and two the mandalorians have little respect for the Echani. They view them as weak warriors, closer to dancers than fighters. What I am getting at is that no clan would teach Echani fighting styles. You can still have this, but you need to change where he learned it and why he chose to learn it over using his own cultures fighting style.

[raven420]

ok i'll change it

[raven420]

Revised

[Valcor]

LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE!

TO THE MEAT! From the top. Scene 1 Take 3. Action!

Firstly, if you could make the titles of each heading (Name:, Age:, etc.) to Bold, it would be much appreciated, the mods tend to like that sort of thing and it does make reading a bit easier.

Name:, Age:, All these look good. 

Race: Human is fine here, no need to include mandalorian, its more of an ideological thing than a biological species.

Birth Place: All good, might want to include a small snippet on where specifically on Mandalore he was born, but not really a requirement.  Something like "Rural village" will do.
 
Height, weight, eye color, hair color: All good here.

Appearance:

 

Okay bud, this section needs to be WAAAAAAAAAY longer.  Aside from his weight, the fact that he is handsome, has tanish skin, and wears armor, I have absolutely no idea what he looks like.  Unless he is going to be wearing his armor 24/7 the site is gonna need a bit of a facial description to go on.  How does his nose look?  How is his chin shaped? Does he have any scars? You really want the reader to be able to visualize this character just as much as you do in your head.  Just a rough goal for you should be another few paragraphs on his description , but truly it should be until someone reading can visualize your character fully just as you would want him to appear.

Personality:  
Yes yes, without repeating myself all over again, the same points still stand for this section.  All I can gather on your character from this is that he is likes his friends is stubborn, and very calm.  This tells me nothing about him as a person however.  Does he joke? Or is he cold and calculating?  Is he snarky? Confident? You mention he is sure of his abilities, but tell me and other readers how he might act around other characters because that is what people will be thinking about primarily when they read this.  Again you really want someone to be able to mentally imagine this man's personality while reading this description.

Profession: Um... When exactly did he become an assassin? From reading your Bio all I see mentioned is that he was a hunter/pilot of some sort (sorta unclear to me :/.) for a while in his childhood, then his clan fell apart.

Equipment:  For clarification can you describe his gear a bit more? "Custom" Does not really tell me about the gear.  For his armor, if you simply put "Mandalorian Beskar'gam armor" it is implied that it is custom made to him, since every suit of it is. For his weaponry, simply putting that the pistols are "custom" makes me a bit wary at giving you the green light.  My point is, I don't want you down the line saying that "Oh since they are custom, they are made of Cortosis, or fire sonic waves etc."  It's fine if they are personalized, but state that they are blaster pistols that he has customized to do/look like ______ or something along those lines. This will really help other readers understand what this guy is bringing to the table.  As for the rifle, please provide more of a description than "The one in the picture." As pictures can fail to load down the road and are prone to other errors.  Pictures are a nice way to visualize something, but a written description is a must on this site for just about everything.  Basically unless the weapon is your run of the mill blaster rifle, you are gonna need to put a bit of description into it as well as post up a weapon app here (http://swrponline2.proboards.com/board/325/pending).  Final note on this, I would also recommend putting in your bio where exactly he got all this stuff, as you have no mention anywhere of him having any kind of weapons, armor, or gear of any kind aside from the vibroblade.

Ship:  Similar to before, but a few differences.  One, where exactly did this guy get this ship? I ask this because your bio for this guy has no mention of it, nor does it mention him being in a position to buy one.  What I gather from your bio is that this dude barely survived his entire clan being destroyed and now sells his abilities "just to get by".  From the sound of that, this guy is not rolling in dough, and well a ship is rather expensive.  My point being that you need to add where he got this ship from.  Side note, since this is not a stock ship you also need to post up an app for it richeer> swrponline2.proboards.com/board/319/pending

Once you've finished up these changes I will get into the REAL real meat of your app X).  PM me if you gots any questions lad.

[raven420]

ok let's see if i got it right this time

[Valcor]

Alright boyo, as for when this is all ready to go...



Down to business.  Firstly, Bold, you gotta do that  for your headings man, really helpful, makes everything look pretty and all.

Everything looks good with your description, could be a bit longer in my opinion, but it is enough to visualize so I'll lay off.

Personality is a bit short to me as well, but again it seems sufficient soooo laying off.

Equipment: I'm not really the tech guy (or really any guy XD) but the sniper rifle and pistols don't seem to stray too far from the average so I'd give you the okay on those as well.

Profession: Again I don't see any reference anywhere of him being an assassin in your bio, but I will leave the bio reviewing to when I actually get around to that.  

Skills: Alright this needs a little bit of work.  Firstly, both sword fighting and shooting are already covered in attributes so saying he is "a skilled shooter" is kinda redundant.  The piloting and engineering are both valid skills, but again as before, they need explanation in the bio for sure.  All I really see as far as explanation is a small snippet of him being a pilot around the age of 13 or so.  While he would be familiar with piloting, it would not make him skilled.  What I'm asking is you give me a bit more about his past, a few missions where he learned and grew as a pilot and engineer to really convince me that he is as skilled as you claim.

Attributes:  Okay I'm gonna go ahead and say that these are all WAAAAAY to high, some of the best assassins on this site don't have these kinds of stats.  These need to...

come down.  When you give someone a number above a 7 in something it means that their skill in that area is venturing into the realm of "Best in the Galaxy" and for him to be that level in every form of combat is just... well impossible.  A 7 in just melee weapons is a feat.  A 7 equates to daily dedicated training as well as a substantial amount of skill already possessed.  An eight means that this form of combat is practically this person's life blood, they live, breathe and work on this skill, and well a 9 means this person is unbeatable at it.  For the average Mandalorian warrior, a 7 in ranged weapons is pretty much the norm, 4's 5's and 6's for unarmed and melee are just as common as well.  As for that 9 in leadership... well that needs to come wayheyhey down.  A 9 in leadership means his word could sway nations and armies to his will, and well... I don't find justification for that.

I know that all this is probably not what you intended for his stats to mean, so consider that a littler lesson on what the numbers mean on this site. 

Last comment for this round of reviewing, I can already tell after reading your bio a few times that it needs to be significantly longer.  For every skill you want this fellow to have, you should have a story in the bio that explains why he is good at it other than, "he trained".  Why did he train? If he simply trained as a normal Mando would, than his skills are not going to be terribly exceptional.  Notable yes, but not exceptional.  What I'm saying is, give this guy some fleshing out, clearly the destruction of his entire clan is an important part of his life, elaborate give us all the juicy details.  Talk about the battles, tell us how his skills were lacking so to avenge his father's death he practically killed himself with training etc.  Again, convince me this guy is as skilled as his stats claim.

[raven420]

like you said i didn't mean for that kind of stats lol

[Valcor]

NP just PM me when you've made all the changes and are ready for the next bit of review XD

[Neology]

I see you've got a (somewhat) recent edit here, raven420. Are you ready for another review pass?

[Neology]

Moved to incomplete.

[raven21]

if someone could move this back to where i could revise it that would be great
thanks

[Dutch]

Moved to Pending

[Valcor]

Just shoot me a PM when you're ready for another round of review bud.

[raven21]

could you check it

[Valcor]

Okay Zacharia round... 3?

Name:, Age:, Race:, Birthplace:, Height:, Weight:, Eye and hair color: all look good so any further review I'll just leave those out unless for some reason you change them up

Appearance:, Personality: Could use another paragraph for both in my opinion for descriptions sake, but there isn't anything you're lacking with what you got so continuing on!


Profession: I don't see anything wrong with what you have just yet, but I will get to the bio and let you know in that section. 

Equipment: You don't really need to describe the weapons in this section since you have a whole page in the tech section already for that.  Simply putting a link to that page next to the weapon will do. Just helps with the general clutter of the app since most people will be looking at the beginning for info on your character.

Starship: You will need to do a vehicle app for this before I can give you the OK to let you use it.  I think you are familiar enough with the site to know how that process rolls XD

Skills: You can probably cut the sword fighter one since there is a stat for Melee already, unless you want to put some specific type of sword fighting that would be important in a thread.


Now onto the good stuff XD

Attributes: Aaaalright, first thing is first, all of these are simply waaay too high for any character and really need to be brought down.  The strength should come down about a point, since 7 is "peak" human strength, meaning characters that carry around missile launchers and heavy weapons generally rank at a 7 here, so I would drop this one a point or so.  Intelligence is a tricky one, since many characters do not have a formal education to rank them.  Usually I equate this to a person's IQ, with 4-5 running about average, 6 being bright, and 7 being exceptional.  After reading your bio, I don't really see any mention of this fine fellow being exceptionally intelligent, bright maybe, so I would drop this one 2 points to about average. Speed is probably okay since you do explain his affinity for melee, which is generally a speed focused skill.  Leadership should come down A LOT, to put it in perspective, Mandalore the Reclaimer (The current leader of ALL the mandalorians) only has a 6 in leadership.  These stats are meant to be how your character is at the end of his bio, and from what it appears to me, this guy lost his whole clan and is really not a happy camper around others.  So not the kind of guy to inspire troops in the field.  I would drop this one 2-3 points minimum.

Now onto combat stats...

These do not seem to have changed since I last reviewed... Again, these are waaayheyhey too high for ANY mandalorian.  An 8 in ranged means this guy is venturing into the realm of "best in the galaxy", and truly with his background that just doesn't make sense to me.  This stat is usually reserved for people who specialize in ranged weapons (Snipers trained their whole life simply to put blaster rounds in a specific thing).  At most he should have a 7, but that will require serious sacrifices in the other areas.  As for melee weapons, again, an 8 is reserved for the best of the best of the BEST of the best.  All this guy seems to have done is trained with his clan.  Even if he were to become the best in his clan, that still only equates to a 6 or 7  in that skill if he were to work EXCLUSIVELY on melee.  Seeing as he spends a lot of his other time shooting and practicing hand to hand (not to mention being a slave in a mine!), I would knock this down to a 5 or 6, probably 5 for balance.  Now onto Unarmed, after looking up a few other mandalorians for reference, I would bump this down to a 5.  All the other mandos I looked at, trained in the same fighting style and only had 5s in this stat.  I would bump this one down as well since he doesn't seem to have anything specific that they did not.  That's all I got for stats this time around onto the MEAT!



Bioooo *In a deep brooding, gravely voice*:  Right off the bat, you got a few word walls that would be really nice if they were broken up into like 3-4 paragraphs a piece.  I just found myself losing my place in the horde of text, mainly the 8-14 and 15-16.  Second thing, the mandalorians are not barbarians, they have clans, but they never make young children "pull their own weight" especially at the age of 6.  They do train them, but that is usually done by the parents in a safe environment.  I can also guarantee you that no 6 year old is going to be the "best shooter in the [clan]".  The average human 6 year old does not even have a fully developed nervous system and will still likely be struggling with dexterity, much more so wielding a blaster.  Not to mention that his competition for best shot in the clan is 50-60 year olds who have likely been doing the same thing for much much longer (to remark on stats, these guys would probably only have a 7 in ranged to give you some perspective).  Truly I would hold off on any kind of blaster training until at least 11, and ANY kind of physical training until 15 and that is low balling it as intensive training on a child can stunt their growth (and I'm positive you don't want your character being 4 foot nothing).

My recommendation would be, spend his time from birth until those ages I mentioned, on educating the boy, because from what I gathered, this guy barely even knows he is mandalorian or how to write.  So really flesh this guy out, he doesn't have to be the best shot in the clan or the smartest boy genius to get him where you want him as a character.

Next thing, you mention this guy was "given over" to the hunters of the clan, which is fine, but usually hunters return home between trips, which doesn't really make sense when you say that his father "brought [Zachariah] back to him".  Also, leaving a child with no parents or constant caregivers on a regular basis is a really good way to make a sociopath, so again, I would recommend keeping the boy at home for most of his childhood to make the character believable.


(Unless you really want him looking like this sociopath XD)

8-14 I really like this little part of Zacharia's history, but it would be SUPER traumatic for a pre-teen.  Bump it back a few years and try to split up the action a bit so he isn't on Kashyyyk one moment and in a mine the next.

I'm currently running low on time to get to class, but I wanted you to get your review as soon as possible since you've been waiting a while.  If you have any questions or concerns feel free to PM me! I'm happy to help you bud.  I will finish up this review when I return do not fret.

[Neology]

Moved to incomplete.