Post by Stephen on Oct 17, 2014 6:35:13 GMT -5
Hey. My name is Stephen and I was asked to once over your bio.
Height: 6’1”
Weight: 170 lbs
This seems a bit on the thin side to me. Expecially for a man stronger than average. I suppose it works if you want to keep it though.
Appearance : You could do a bit more with appearance, maybe describe his skin tone but once again, fine for the most part.
Personality : This is extremely short. I have a hard time grasping how your character acts and why. Keep in mind, this isn't a list of the tools your character has in personal interactions but the impression your character gives off. Also if you don't know what a film Noir hero is, all that you can really say about your character is that they change moods without reason. Try to include body language, and try to specify how they act in different social situations, i.e. groups, one on one etc.
Profession: Just current profession
Equipment :How was your CDEF pistol modified? Is it just better than an average CDEF pistol or does it do neat tricks? I'm assuming by brawling glove, you mean some type of sap glove or perhaps a cestus. That's more or less fine.
Skills: I would like some indication as to what level of skill you have in these four skills, but they seem well chosen.
Stats: 6 in strengh for a man who's lost a step due to age is mostly fine, assuming they were at the peak of human condition when they were in their prime. The 8 in int seems high but I'll let a mod actually decide if your stats are appropriate
The early years part of your bio is too short. Your character doesn't really exsist till they were 5.
How did he feel about his actual parents? I'd like this fleshed out a bit more. Also Madine is cannonical star wars name, it's probably fine to use it though. I'd have to ask for clarification.
How did he prove he was a genius? That seems like it might be a good story.
What was he working on? A superweapon? Keep in mind, you are the narrator for this, not your character, so you know the answer to this question.
How?
Do they teach boxing at Corsec? Honestly I don't know, but I feel you could spend some time on what the training was
You skim from 19 to 26 in the blink of an eye. How did you become a Corsec inspector?
Both of these require explanation I feel
It would be intersting to know how the mask maker slipped out or you outsmarted him.
Before I say that you shouldn't denote 15 years of your life to one sentence let me say, I love that your character went to jail and served his sentence. I really do. But 15 years of jail probably change a man in profound ways. It'd be good to see them.
I'd also like to see a bit more on you setting up in the undercity.
Overall notes
I really like this story as an outline, but it needs more. A lot of my problems with it come down to me saying “Don't just say this happens, show me.” A character bio isn't just the last step to being able to rp, it's the basis to which you build your story. It has to be strong and large enough to support growth. That being said, a good once over could fix my issues fairly quickly.
Height: 6’1”
Weight: 170 lbs
This seems a bit on the thin side to me. Expecially for a man stronger than average. I suppose it works if you want to keep it though.
Appearance : You could do a bit more with appearance, maybe describe his skin tone but once again, fine for the most part.
Personality : This is extremely short. I have a hard time grasping how your character acts and why. Keep in mind, this isn't a list of the tools your character has in personal interactions but the impression your character gives off. Also if you don't know what a film Noir hero is, all that you can really say about your character is that they change moods without reason. Try to include body language, and try to specify how they act in different social situations, i.e. groups, one on one etc.
Profession: Just current profession
Equipment :How was your CDEF pistol modified? Is it just better than an average CDEF pistol or does it do neat tricks? I'm assuming by brawling glove, you mean some type of sap glove or perhaps a cestus. That's more or less fine.
Skills: I would like some indication as to what level of skill you have in these four skills, but they seem well chosen.
Stats: 6 in strengh for a man who's lost a step due to age is mostly fine, assuming they were at the peak of human condition when they were in their prime. The 8 in int seems high but I'll let a mod actually decide if your stats are appropriate
The early years part of your bio is too short. Your character doesn't really exsist till they were 5.
His father was a major in CorSec, and his mother worked for the Corellia Times. Saracin’s parents weren’t around for most of the time, so they employed someone to take care of the young Saracin. Her name was Scerra Madine, and was almost like a second mother to Saracin
He went through primary without any true incident, proving his intellectual genius time and time again, but that all changed when he was thirteen.
How did he prove he was a genius? That seems like it might be a good story.
. An assassin hired by the Exchange assassinated Saracin’s father, while he was working on something that could potentially destroy the crime syndicate.
What was he working on? A superweapon? Keep in mind, you are the narrator for this, not your character, so you know the answer to this question.
making use of his genius level intellect.
He became a very good boxer in about five months, because of his constant dedication.
Do they teach boxing at Corsec? Honestly I don't know, but I feel you could spend some time on what the training was
You skim from 19 to 26 in the blink of an eye. How did you become a Corsec inspector?
They soon fell deeply in love with each other, and managed to find the Maskmaker
Both of these require explanation I feel
Saracin worked day and night, without sleep, until he finally traced the Maskmaker to an unregistered hangar.
It would be intersting to know how the mask maker slipped out or you outsmarted him.
After he had recovered from his great rage, Saracin knew that he had done what was right for him, but not what was right according to his superiors. He was court-martialled, found guilty, and was imprisoned for 15 years.
I'd also like to see a bit more on you setting up in the undercity.
Overall notes
I really like this story as an outline, but it needs more. A lot of my problems with it come down to me saying “Don't just say this happens, show me.” A character bio isn't just the last step to being able to rp, it's the basis to which you build your story. It has to be strong and large enough to support growth. That being said, a good once over could fix my issues fairly quickly.
I also think that the CorSec do at least some military training, so for me, it made sense that boxing would have been something that would be part of what CorSec officers had to do.