Jordon Bailey

[jordonbailey]

Faction: Republic Military.
Department: Army.
Rank: Private.

Name: Jordon Bailey.
Race: Human.
Age: 19.
Height:6ft.
Weight: 13stone. (If any mods do want this changed could you just pm me and ill change it over)
Birth place: Tatioone.

Appearance: 6ft, muscly, short brown hair and green eyes, one scar running down his right thigh where it was cut open in a bar fight and another one just below his left ear where he was hit around the head with a glass bottle both prior to joining the army. He has deep eyes and a warming smile


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Personality:Bubbly, short temper, funny, friendly, outgoing, finds it hard to be serious, sarcastic. He is a genuinly likeable guy with lots of friends but his short temper does let him down, he has a tendency to see the red mist early and lose it. He does not respond well to authority and is seen as a rebel, he has an unorthadox way of of doing things and is very out of the box thinking.

Skills: Computers Skills, Snipers Aim, Rapid Shot.

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 8
Intelligence: 7
Speed: 6
Leadership: 4

Unarmed: 6
Melee Weapons: 1
Ranged Weapons: 8

Alignment: +3

Bio:Jordon was born and raised on a moisture farm on Tatioone, so he was doing manual labour from a very young age and had to learn to use computers before he was 9. Jordon had always wanted to be in the military, his uncle Leear was in the military for years and reached the rank of captain, he was killed on patrol just before Jordon was born. Jordon was not a popular child because his intelligence and sense of humour was ahead of other kids his age, so they picked on him for being smart, he didnt find popularity until he was 15. It was when he was 13 he learned to fight as the bullies had gone from verbal to physical abuse, so he faught back and eventually it did stop.

When he hit 15 his popularity seemed to shoot up at random, wether it was his sense of humour or the fact he had beaten up nearly every guy in his school was up for dispute he didnt care. He was not popular in the sense that everyone was obsessed with him, he was popular in the sense that everyone seemed to like him exept the odd person and any parties he was usually invited too. He had a main group of three other friends all four of them went onto do very different things there was:
Jordon who went on to join the army at 18 after finding that nothing else suited him or gave him fufillment.
Sam who went onto work in mos eisly cantina.
Hawk who joined the army before Jordon but was sadly shot on his first mission and then the only girl of the group Osila, Jordons girlfriend.

The group starting hanging around together and fourteen and didnt stop until they were all eighteen. It was orriginally the three guys until when they were walking together they saw Osila getting beaten up by her boyfriend, it was ironically the first time Jordon was beaten up, he was trying to protect her. They got together shortly after and became a genuine couple when they were 16. Jordon joined the army a year after Hawk did so he could have time to get other personal things sorted out. His dad died of a heart attack just before Hawk and him were meant to sign up and Jordon stayed behind to help his mum.

Jordon eventually signed up when he was 19 to the sever anger of his mum, girlfriend, friends and Hawks family who Jordon was very close too. He soon proved to be a pain in the ass for the drill sergents and what not. They soon got used to him and let him do his own unorthadox thing as 9/10 times it did work, other than the times where he accidentally blew things up or nearly shot a superier officer in the foot.

Password: Kylah.
RP Sample: Jordon picked up the sniper rifle he had been handed and smiled at his drill sergent "I thaught you would NEVER let me loose with one of these babies again" The drill sergent gave him a dirty look and told him to shoot at the targets, Jordon winked at him cockily and laughed "Come on, you screamed like a girl when I nearly hit you, it was pretty funny" Jordon looked down the sites and fired a shot straight in the middle of the dummies head. He smiled giving the sergent the rifle back, he was cocky, very cocky about his own abilities.
There was a three minute delay where the drill sergent just looked at him, sizing him up and just nodded, Jordon smiled and held his hand up for a high five "COME ON! No? No? Shame" He turned around to walk away, he walked a few steps as a laser nearly hit his right foot, the sergent had shot right next to his foot, Jordon screamed before turning around to see him grinning broadly "Not funny, not not funny" He walked backwards until he was out of the door and walked back to his room.

[WWFF]

Well, let me start with a reminder that I am no mod, and that you don't have to listen to what I say, and all that rot. This is just an attempt at helping you make the character more likely to be approved. I don't mean to hurt feelings if I do and hope you understand that this is just me trying to help. None of this should be taken personally.

I’ll just start by saying that ’Weight’ would be better served if measured in lbs (pounds), just a note before I get going.

You made mention in his description that he had a large scar on his thigh; would make more sense if it were battle related, rather than a bar fight. While they happen, he’s a trained soldier, and (depending on the odds) he probably wouldn’t have been easily taken with a broken bottle. Just something to think about, doesn’t mean you have to change it I don’t think.

personality: Bubbly, short temper, funny, friendly, outgoing, finds it hard to be serious, sarcastic. He is a genuinly likeable guy with lots of friends but his short temper does let him down, he has a tendency to see the red mist early and lose it. He does not respond well to authority and is seen as a rebel.

Probably not. I understand that this is the character which your seeing, and all looks alright until the end. As a private in the military, he would be forced to respond well with authority. It would be so engrained into his subconscious that authority would register probably better than anything else. Being a rebel is up to dispute, if it mean he does thing in an unorthodox way, maybe, but if it means he openly defies orders and what-not, he would probably be discharged from the service for it.

His stats are pretty high for a human. Remember that a human is baseline. Average in most areas, and maybe slightly higher. The eight in strength, my be able to get away with, though keep in mind that it would probably make him a bit larger than the average person. The ‘9’ in intelligence… short of being an absolute genius (in which case he probably would be a Private in the army more like an uber rocket scientist) I think maybe a ‘6’ would fit him better. He’d still be above average. Speed, would probably be taken down to average with his height and strength. Simply because it tough to move quickly with height and muscle is heavier, so the more muscle the slower. Typically.

Before I go on, it is important to understand that these things all impact the character as a whole. When building your character you have to consider things like give and take. You want speed, take maybe take that strength down to a six or seven. Species is important and as I stated above, Human’s are baseline. Maybe one or two attributes above average. Also… these bios are kinda judged based on the amount of time take in the creation of them. A single paragraph for the history really wont get you in. You know?

Speaking of your history, I’d like to move to that. As stated above… it’s gotta be longer. It is important to remember: “Quality over Quantity”, though as I tend to often say, they usually go hand in hand. When you take time and give a character a good quality bio, it will usually be long; as you have take the time to think through the little details, rather than rushing toward the big finale. I hope that makes sense, because I don’t want you to feel like I’m attacking you as I pick this apart.

Bio:Jordon was born and raised on a moisture farm on Tatioone, so he was doing manual labour from a very young age and had to learn to use computers before he was 9. Jordon was not a popular child because his intelligence and sense of humor was ahead of other kids his age, so they picked on him for being smart, he didnt find popularity until he was 15. It was when he was 13 he learned to fight as the bullies had gone from verbal to physical abuse, so he faught back and eventually it did stop. By his sixteenth birthday he was already studying computers at a high university level and thinking of joining the army. He joined the army on his 19th birthday to the arguments of his girlfriend and mom, everyday he wonders why he left. He originally joined the army to visit different places and to be a hero, he soon realized it was different to that. He stays in contact with family and friends when ever possible and has annoyed a fair share of drill Sergeants already.

Well, it’s fine to be a moisture farmer on Tattooine, it makes sense, same with his knowledge of computers; it would make sense as kids who grow up on farms here tend to have a fantastic knowledge of mechanics.

I’m not sure whether his IQ would be the determining factor with him not having friends, as much as the fact that he lived out on a moisture farm, usually in the middle of nowhere. However you want to do it, it makes sense, as well as the fact that he learned to defend himself from the bullies.

It there that you skipped ahead a great deal of time. It needs to be filled it. Color it all, whether it’s in the lines or not, make it full, and if you get out of the lines, we’ll tell you.

This is all good, I’d say, the ideas anyway. But it’s brief; barely a paragraph in total length. Did he have friends, what were their names. You said he had a girlfriend, What was her name? How did they meet? Was his father ever in the service? Had her ever experienced anything life changing? When did he go through basic training?

You see how all of this is skipped over? And more. It must be fleshed out. You barely have a skeleton here, and it still needs tissue, and flesh, and muscle, before it can be a fully complete profile. I would recommend taking more time to really think about your character. Get a note pad and jot down point in his life that would be interesting, things that make him who he is. Every idea, write it down and then ask questions about it, so that it’s clear to you. Because if it’s not clear to you… it’s not clear to us, and then your character will never be stable, and getting into his head will be the biggest challenge ever. Trust me, I’ve been there.

Just make him a person. People have pasts, no matter how boring or epic, they are there. Unless they’re infants… then they don’t… but he’s not an infant!

Hope this all helps. If you have any questions, ask! Ask me, or a mod, or anyone really. Everyone here helps a lot. Best of luck to you and Jordon!

~WWFF

[jordonbailey]

Edited

[Rugs]

Weight: 13stone

Yes, this needs to be in pounds. It converts to about 182 lbs

Jordon was not a popular child because his intelligence and sense of humour was ahead of other kids his age, so they picked on him for being smart, he didn't find popularity until he was 15.

Yeah, so I've got this thing about people needed to do more than just drop some line about their character being great in some area without anything to back it up. If he was smart, you need to tell give me something that indicates as much and tell me why, because at the moment, he just seems to be a normal farmboy.

When he hit 15 his popularity seemed to shoot up at random, wether it was his sense of humour or the fact he had beaten up nearly every guy in his school was up for dispute he didnt care.

This feels sorta tacked on. Surely there's some concrete reason for this, right? Because at the moment it reads like 'it shot up and I didn't want to think about it so here you go.' Also, as far as the beating up all the other guys in school, no. He's a normal kid just like the rest of 'em, not some unarmed god.

It was orriginally the three guys until when they were walking together they saw Osila getting beaten up by her boyfriend, it was ironically the first time Jordon was beaten up, he was trying to protect her.

So, I'm to believe that he went three years without ever getting beat up, based on you saying that he started getting into fights at the age of 13? Again, I don't think so.

He soon proved to be a pain in the ass for the drill sergents and what not. They soon got used to him and let him do his own unorthadox thing as 9/10 times it did work, other than the times where he accidentally blew things up or nearly shot a superier officer in the foot.

Yeah, see, in the army, you get used to them, not the other way around. And why on earth would they let a private do whatever it is he's doing, especially when it sometimes leads to him blowing things up or shooting officers in the foot? What was he doing?

Stats:

Physical Strength: 8
Intelligence: 7
Speed: 6
Leadership: 4

The highest I allow for humans in physical strength is a 7. That said, we've got a site-wide rule that anything 7 and up needs explanation in the bio. Right now, other than his size, there's nothing to indicate that he's strong enough for a seven. A six, perhaps, but not a 7. Same goes for intelligence. I haven't seen anything that makes that stand out, so at the moment, I'd say it would be a 5.

Unarmed: 6
Melee Weapons: 1
Ranged Weapons: 8

If you mention a little bit more about some formal training in unarmed, perhaps once he joins the army, I'll let you keep the 6, since, even with his scuffles and all that, there's a difference between getting into fights with some other kids and actually being a good unarmed fighter. And I haven't seen a word metioned of ranged training, even though it can be inferred that he got some when he joined the army. Even then, he's way to young for an 8, or even a 7, really, so drop it to a 5.

[Rugs]

Moved to inactive pending