Well, grammatically speaking this is almost perfect. In a completely technical sense the first sentences in your first and last paragraphs are fragments, but in the first paragraph it’s more of a matter of style, than actual incorrect grammar. Ilum is the actual subject of the sentence, so it should simply have a comma after it, but the period is more about style, so it’s fine. In the second paragraph ‘which’ should probably be ‘this,’ because which is a conjunction and should be used as such to combine two sentences. In your sentence it’s used as a subject, which is incorrect, and makes it a fragment.
Still, you have to consider style into the occasion. Many great poets and writers sacrifice a little perfection for the sake of making it sound more dramatic, or convey their thoughts. So, like the first one was probably on purpose, it was more of the second one I wanted to make sure you realised. Sorry for the long windedness of all of it.
Now onto content, so the biggest problem you have here is that you simply aren’t describing anything more than the general setting, and telling about Ilum. You say her body was glowing with a soft light, but that is about all you say about her appearance over all. You don’t say anything about her thoughts, the general appearance of the particular cave she’s in, or anything. I realise that you should leave some things up to the person imagination, but part of growing as a writer is giving the reader a picture. You want to let them see in their mind what you see, and so you use words to describe everything about the place. Thoughts are part of this, because every character is going to interpret their world differently, and the reader wants to know what that interpretation is.
Really, the biggest problem I have with this post is that it is so bare thin. I would like to see you put detail into Sigourney’s thoughts, and her actions. I want to see those crystals which are around her in the cave, and I want to be able to feel the cold which covers Ilum. Use your five senses when you post to actually make the reader see what you see. That’s what you mostly need to work on in your next post.
I’ll be using
Mordin Al’Cauthron for my portion of the Rp. He’s still a padawan, but he’s an older one so he might be able to keep up with Sigourney. Not to mention he’s the only Jedi I have. Anyway, here we go.
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Cold burned at his heart, it ripped at his fingers, and chilled him to the very core of his being. With a step in the snow which whipped all around him he left a solitary print behind him to be swept under the blizzard within just seconds of him lifting it from the ground. All around him this storm tore at him, it wasn’t often he came to this place, to this ice ridden planet, but now a certain tug in the force brought him here. It was all around him, it danced in the wind, and it hummed from the coldness which tormented him so. Thousands of feet had been on this planet, and each one had been in search of the precious gems which it hid inside its dark caves. These crystals were so valuable to the Jedi, but it was difficult to find them. Part of Mordin remembered his first time here, and part of him didn’t want to at all. When he’d first constructed his lightsaber pike, his master had rooted into his mind the idea, and he’d gone with it not truly knowing what to expect. Right now he wished he had his master’s wisdom, but he might never hear her soothing words any more.
As he made his way through this planet in hopes for only the Force knew what his mind wondered to a happier place as he pulled placed his pike into the snow. Used like a staff it wouldn’t be hard to turn it quickly into a weapon if something were too attack, and the force tugged at the back of his mind. Something about this scene wasn’t right, there was a part of him which sensed danger, and he was poised ready for an attack.
From out of the darkness he heard a blood curdling scream rip through the snow, the cold, and attack his senses in one fell swoop. Quickly a thunderous sound followed, and in the distance he could see a large figure making its way through the snowy lowlands of Ilum. Loudly Mordin gulped as he spun the staff in his hands whilst he thought of the best tactic to kill this gorgodon. Once a long time ago he’d heard that if you sliced the vertebrae behind their head it would render them incapacitated, but the padawan wasn’t about to take that chance. With a hiss the lightsaber end of his staff sprung to life as he looked at the beast coming at him full sprint on all four of its legs. As it got close slowed down to a stop, and a hazy mist came from its nose as it snorted. This creature quite suddenly sent a brownish tar spewing from its mouth, and in a quick decisive move the young Aquitan sent the staff sailing through the air towards the beast as he leapt through the air, as he flew over the creature. Once he landed on the other side with a concise roll he pulled the lightsaber which had been batted aside by the creature before it could hit, and began to run away as fast as he could.
Wind whipped past his face as the young sentinel moved as quickly as he could as the force pushed him along to quicken his pace. It might be even colder this way, but it was much better than just letting that creature squeeze the life out of him after it spit its glue spit at him. After he had ran for some time he slowed down, certain the creature wouldn’t have been able to keep up with the pace he’d set. Staggered breathes exited his mouth as he observed what was around him, and curiously noted that he had stopped just feet from the Crystal Caves.
With a wicked smile Mordin took a step towards the entrance, for he knew this was what he’d been sent here for, there was no doubt in his mind. Inside he could sense a being anyway, a sentient which was of the light, and he smiled. All of this had played out quite nicely in the grand scheme of things, but he knew the will of the Force was strong, and he could only hope he followed it correctly. Today he thought he could successfully say he’d accomplished that task, and with he entered the cave.
Within sat a young woman, who looked to be a Jedi as well, and a Wrooian at that. Few times in his life had the padawan seen races with such light blue skin, he’d once thought his own dark steely blue pigment would adorn a Ferroan, but he was mistaken. They had both turned out to have a icy colour to their skin, and it made him once again think of the cold as well as how much he longed to be warm once more. It’d probably be best to talk to this woman, and move on. Perhaps she was the reason he was to be here, and if that was the case then it would be all the better. All he could hope after this was that he could once again find his way back to his ship, which might prove to be interesting, but he would find it eventually.
With that smile on his face he walked a bit closer to her and spoke softly as he asked,
”Hello, I don’t believe I’ve ever met you before.” Calmly he extended his hand in hopes she might shake it,
”It is odd to meet you here, but I suppose the Force has a will of its own.”// Forgive if its kind of short, I had to kind of fluff it up to make it this long. Have fun! Also, remember to be detailed.
