Allen walker (sith)

[allenwalker]

Name: Allen walker
Race: human
Age: 22
Height:five foot nine
Weight: one hundred and fifty nine pounds
Appearance:
-hair color- allen has long black hair with spikes.
-eye color- yellow/gold eyes,
-skin color- gray skin tone
-Build- Fit
-clothing- black jedi robes, black leather boots, black leather belt. but when hes out and about he wears a black leather jacket withwit a silver collar, wears black pants and black boots.
-distinguishing features-horizontal line of seven cross-shaped stigmata.
Personality:Allen can be a like able person. He is a very persuasive man and can be charming most of the time. But when angered he is not to be trifled with. For when his anger is set he will kill anyone that gives him bad news or annoys him. But when alone Allen enjoys playing his piano in his private quarters.
Birth place: Dantooine

Faction: Sith
Rank: Initiate

Previous Faction: Grey Jedi
Previous Rank: Padawan

Bio: Allens father was a great jedi knight who followed by all the rules of the jedi council. That is until he meant Allens mother. it was love at first sight. Allens father had great difficulty keeping his emotions under control because of the girl. After a few years Allens father married Allens mom. but before that could happen Allens father left the jedi order so that he could wed his future wife. Allens mother was pregnant not even 3 months after they were married. Allens father decided that they would live on Naboo.

Then Allen was born on the planet naboo. His father was a rouge jedi that left the order so that he may have a family. his mother was a ex soldier for the Naboo guard. Allens family worked as farmers. After a while they had finally bought they're own ranch after much saving and taking a small loan out from the bank. When Allen turned 6 his power of force sensitivity became much more noticeable. He could feel the planets life. Allen asked his dad about the pulsing feeling he could feel through the ground. To his amazement his father smiled and picked Allen up proudly and hugged him. His dad then told Allen that the pulsing was the planet itself.

Allens father took notice of that and decided to train him. at the age of eight Allen had Allen has mastered basic force powers that he learned from his father that most Jedi have such as the force push and force pull. and the Jedi mind trick ability and the telekinesis ability and the force sense ability. As the years passed Allens training became harder and harder. though when Allen wasn't training he was learning how to play his families piano. Allen was very talented player he learned to play the piano very quickly from his teacher his mom.

Allen was only 16 when his father took him to a workbench in the basement of there home and gave him the items necessary to build Allens own lightsaber Allen choose to go with a green crystal. After the ceremony Allen and his dad arrived back at there home the lights were out and there was no sign of Allens mom. Then suddenly a red light ignited behind the door and the dark jedi killed Allens father with a stab through the heart. Allen was taken by surprise but then the surprise quickly turned to anger. Allen ran back towards the cellar in fear and hid himself in the shadows waiting to make his strike.

Allen pulled out his saber and began a duel with the unknown dark jedi. The duel last for what seemed days to him. which only lasted for 15 minutes.

The dark jedi had managed to knock Allen to the ground and disarm him. Allen let loose all of his anger and killed the dark jedi. Allen had unknowingly unleashed the spear of the midnight black power and stabbed the sith through the head. Allens journey to the darkside began but he didn't care he enjoyed the feeling. Allen frantically searched for his mother and found her dead on the floor of his parents room. Allen then built a funeral pyre for his mom and dad and burned there bodies.

Allen kept his fathers saber as a keep sake. Allen then left the planet Naboo and continued his studying and searching for dark jedi so he can learn some dark side abilities. It had taken Allen two years just to learn the force lightning ability. After learning all that he could from his teacher Allen killed the dark jedi while his teacher slept which completed his transformation to the darkside. After allen killed his teacher he left the planet and began his search for the sith he would start his search on the sith homeword of korriban. After days of searching he came upon sith there he trained to become a sith. Allens had his families piano shipped to him on a frieghter ship and had them place the piano in his private chambers. he keeps the piano as a memeento as well as hsi fathers lightsaber though the piano reminds him of the good times when he was with his family.


Lightsaber: single phase
Color: red

Practiced Lightsaber forms:[/b]

Shii-Cho 4
Makashi 1
Soresu 1
Ataru 2
Shien / Djem So
>>Sub-form Backhanded
Niman 0
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield
Juyo 0
Double Bladed Combat

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 5
Telepathic: 4
Body: 2
Sense: 3
Protection: 3
Healing: 2
Destruction: 6

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength:3
Intelligence: 6
Speed: 5
Leadership: 2

Unarmed: 1
Melee Weapons: 1
Ranged Weapons: 1

Force Attunement: -3

RP Sample:The planet Nar shadda had been rocked recently with a earth quake that took out a building, That building had the luck to ram into two others causing a big mess of things on the planet. That tragic event however did not stop the outpouring of drunks from hitting the cantinas'-In fact it heightened such trips.

People who lost family in the wreck, Others who had been helping in the cleanup. some who received a big check from insurance on their speeders complete nonrecognition. The local Bar tenders loved the boom in customers-They were probably one of several services ether increasing profit, Or as others lost it.

The Tall dark figure at the bar fell into none of those categorizes. Allen walker was just your usual run of the mill drunk. "Get me a corellian." He told the woman behind the counter.

"Ale or whiskey?" She asked in response moving down the line of patrons to face him. He raked a hand over his unshaven jaw and neck while in quiet contemplation. "Whiskey, It's a special occasion." the occasion he was referring to was in fact just the charlie horse he got during the night, The pain was killing him.

Just before she reached up for his glass Allen added. "In a clean glass." She turned over eying him. "Oh silly me i was aiming for the dirty section of glasses." She shook her head as she placed the glass on the counter and poured.

It was about this time that a blast of trash cans shaking wafted into the cantina and shortly after a kind who look barely old enough to enter. Though he looked like a punk Allen could tell he was more then just a delinquent. he didn't feel right.

But Allen could careless so long as he left him to his drinking, His hero days were behind him...At least for the moment. But if that damn empire continued to blow up building and tell everyone that it was a quake he'd have a few words with them, It disturbed his drinking.

"And now you shall go down my little friend." Allen slammed the drink back and immediately ordered another.

[Sporky]

Umm..one quick thing. Black lightsabers (Or the darksaber-esque thig you have) aren't allowed. ^^; Sorry.

[somedude]

Just a little friendly advice as you consrtuct your character =)

First off I second Spork on the lightsaber thing: black lightsabers are not allowed.
EDIT: I see you changed that since I posted; if you mean blood red to be distinct from the regular red, then you'll need to explain how you came across such an unusual crystal

Secondly, OMG your stats!!!! I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you feel bad, but this guy is way overpowered, both for his age and his bio. You aren't going to be able to keep those 9s or 10s, I promise you. A 10 is like.....epic beyond all possible belief. Yoda might have a 10, possibly, to give you some perspective. You might be able to keep the 5 and 6, ask a mod about that one, but I bet the rest will have to come down quite a bit.

Also, for your lightsaber stats, you can't have any points in Juyo unless you've mastered at least two other forms, which you haven't. There's no way a 16-year-old would have as many points as you do anyway, though, so it's pretty moot.

Moving onto the bio....

You should run through a spellchecker; there are a few spelling and grammar mistakes, as well as capitalization errors, but I won't dwell on them right now.

Allen turned 7 his power of force sensitivity became much more noticeable

How had it manifested before then? Most Force-sensistives are taken as Younglings at about 5 or 6, so there must have been something.

at the age of eight Allen had mastered the first four of the seven light saber forums

Impossible. It takes decades to master even one of the forms, let alone four. Your stats don't reflect this mastery in any case, possible or not.

at the age of 12 he had mastered the vaaoad style

Vapaad was created by Mace Windu almost four thousand years after this RP. At this point it would be called Juyo. But, again, it's impossible to have mastered it that quickly.

Matthew endured and walked into the temple

Who's Matthew?

When Allen completed making his light saber his father made him into a Jedi knight.

Usually you make a lightsaber before becoming a padawan, not a knight, but since Allen isn't being trained by the Order itself you can probably keep it, I'm not sure.

Allen smiled and gave his father a hug and then stabbed his father through the heart with his new lightsaber. Allen enjoyed killing his father and knew he was on his way to the dark side

WTF? Where did this come from? If you're going to have him fall to the dark side, you need to set it up a bit more

That's about all I've got to say right now. Remember that I'm not trying to get you down, just telling you what isn't going to work out for you. Good luck with your character!

[allenwalker]

there modded even though your not a mod XD

[Sporky]

I should point out that a blood red blade could be achieved with a Qixoni Crystal. Though in KOTOR 2, they enhanced Force abilities..if you used it just for the color then it'd be okay.

Ask Jenno. :3 He told me the same thing for lava crystals.

Oh! Should also say that Qixoni crystals are rare. So you'd probably have to write something epic..or maybe involve a merchant.

[Cadyren]

Hey I'm Cadyren, I saw this character and thought that seeing as I have an accepted sith the same age I could give you a hand.

I noticed you commented on the fact that somedude isn't a mod but he has an accepted character, so he does know about this process and can help you out. Also its kinda easier for other people to find flaws in someones writing then themselves.

Appearence:Pictures are awesome but you also need a description.

Bio:

Wow your character has the same background I had for my first draft of Cadyren, but had to change it becuase soemthing didn't work out. You'll have to change your bio if you don't want him to have been trained as a Jedi because the Jedi Enclave has been rebuilt so the Jedi would have noticed Allen and taken him as an apprentice

Vaapad has not been created yet so he can't learn it, and even if it was a sixteen year old cannot learn the form as you cannot master three forms at such a young age.

You cannot master the basic force powers at eight, you can say he learned them but mastery implies that he is powerful at everything, so change that part.

His dad made him a Jedi Knight? I'm hoping you don't actually mean that his father said he was finished with his training at thirteen, and that he was jsut trying to make his son happy by making him think he was as powerful as a Knight.

He just fell to the Dark side like that? Most people go through a a very bad experience to fall to the Dark Side, like their family dying or having a friend betray them or something, not just randomly killing people. It would make more sense if someone killed his parents (I'm sure someone would want to kill a former Jedi) then Allen killed his parents murderers then began his pilgrimage for Dark power.

Sith holocrons are not allowed and if you want him to learn Drain knowlege (which I believe is not allowed for younger characters) then you have to have a few detailed paragraphs about how he learned it.


Stats:

At his age he would have five points to put in Lightsaber stats, no more. Every other sixteen year old on this site that I know of (my own and Jazen) have the same. don't worry though, I put way to many points in my Lightsaber stats when I joined the site to. i suggest putting three points in Shii-Cho then two in one other form. Rememebr Juyo requires you to master three forms.

Force stats are way to high, lease lower them. Please remember that in the Jedi Order hewould still be a Padawan and make sure his stats reflect that.

As for his other Attributes, sevens need to be explained in bio so either do so or lower the stats.

I didn't see anything about unarmed training, melee weapon training (as in actual swords and such, not a Lightsaber), or ranged training. These stats should be at ones or twos unless their is something about him training in the bio.

Alright so good luck with the bio, and if you get accepted soon would you like to join a little miniplot that is set up for some of the younger members of the Sith Order and Jedi Order? PM me if your interested and I'll tell you more about it.

[sparrow]

Just have a few things to add to what Cadyren said above, which is all sound advice.

The minimum age for character to be a Jedi Knight, or its equivalent in other Force-based organization, is 22. Younger characters are generally padawans or acolytes.

He just fell to the Dark side like that? Most people go through a a very bad experience to fall to the Dark Side, like their family dying or having a friend betray them or something, not just randomly killing people. It would make more sense if someone killed his parents (I'm sure someone would want to kill a former Jedi) then Allen killed his parents murderers then began his pilgrimage for Dark power.

Dark Jedi/Sith characters are either born bad or become bad. Either way, it doesn't come from nowhere. If it's the latter, then there needs to be some event or process that turns them to the dark side, like Cadryen said. Or if it's the former, then their personality in the beginning of the bio should reflect their bad-ness. Going from normal kid to suddenly murdering his dad sudden transition that needs explanation and justification.

Stats:
A good character generally has a balance of different strengths and weaknesses. Right now your character only has one of those.

It is generally a good idea to check out the bios of some already accepted characters to get a sense of the stat system on this site

[allenwalker]

*modded*

[Cadyren]

Alright let's see what you've done with this guy.

Appearence: You still need a description

Rank: Allen was never a real Jedi Knight so he would not have previously been one.

Bio:

As I said earlier, if he lived near the old Jedi temple he would have been found by the Jedi, because they Enclave was rebuilt and Jedi live there now.

Please change Sith Assassin to Dark Jedi, as the Sith weren't around when he was sixteen.

Sith Holocrons are not allowed in bio's, so if he did start looking for them he would never find any.

If you want him to learn Drain Knowlege your going to have to write about him learning it, one liners don't count.

He would not have found Freedon Nadd's temple, even if he did he wouldn't be able to get into the Holocron chamber. Darth Bane had extreme trouble getting into the Holocron chamber of Freedon Nadd's temple and he was a Sith Lord, your character at his current age is no where near as powerful as him.

You already said he had learned Drain Knowlege in a previous paragraph, and I believe your character could learn Force Lightning in less then a year actually.

I't not entirely sure if he would be able to get the crystal from a Sith tomb, especially if it was that easy to get in. Scavengers have been coming to this planet for the past three hundred years to get old Sith objects to sell on the black market, and most likely Jedi as well so that they can lock away all of the dark secrets of the Sith.


also heres another thing. If he hasn't had a master since he was sixteen he wouldn't be that much more powerful then a sixteen year old due to the fact tat no one was teaching him anything. I would suggest that you have him find a Dark Jedi instead of a holocron so that he can still become powerful.


Stats:

Even for a twenty two year old his saber stats are to high. The guideline is one point for every two years he has practiced a form. I'm guessing that his father gave him a training saber or something to practice with until he got his own saber? If not then he would never have even learned how to use a Lightsaber seeing as his only teacher died right after he made it. Also you need to master three forms to even get one point in Juyo, so take those points off.

I would sugesst having some variety in your Force stats, there is nothing wrong with having a few fours or even threes here or there.

I see you put that he knows Force Absorption, you need some explanation in bio for him to have that power as it is a very difficult power to learn.
--------------

Alright, this is all the stuff I could find, good luck with the edits.

[allenwalker]

*modded again*

[sparrow]

As Cadyren said above, the Jedi Enclave on Dantoonine, at the time your character was born, was still active. Next to an active Enclave is a horrible place for a rogue jedi to hide.

As I said earlier, the minimum age to be a Jedi Knight is 22, not 16. Also, the rank of Jedi Knight isn't for a rogue Jedi like Allen's father to give, since he wouldn't be part of the Jedi Order.

Why does a dark jedi randomly show up at his house to kill his parents? Why doesn't he kill Allen while he is lost in despair? And why does having his parents killed by a dark jedi make Allen want to become a dark jedi?

Force lightning is an advanced Force power that cannot be mastered in one year.

How does he find out about the crystal and why does he want it so badly? Also, the Sith tombs on Korribban have all been looted in the 300 years since the Sith were last active.

For his personality, you should make try to make his charm and persuasiveness show a bit more in the bio. I gotta say though that his piano hobby is a nice touch. Why is that never mentioned in the bio?

In his appearance section, you mention that he was seven marks on his head, one for each dark jedi that he killed. Where are the rest of the seven in the bio?

Have you noticed a pattern yet?




Stats:

There is a rule that no form can have a higher number than Shii-cho.

Many of the specialized skills that you have listed should not be listed. For example, Force pull and push fall under the umbrella of telekinesis. Force Jump is in the category of Body. Lightning is destruction, and Persuasion is Telepathy.

Force Fear, Illusion, Psychometry, Deflection, Scream, Deadly Sight, and Levitation are specialized powers. And the training for specialized powers needs to be described in the bio. Also, you have too many.

[Isan]

Actually next to an active enclave could be the idea place for a rogue Jedi to hide. Usually you can't pinpoint an exact presence out in the crowd of force-sensitives without some concentration and with that many force users running around they may not have been actively running checks. Though rogue Jedi could also be simply someone that left the order which aren't exactly hunted down like dogs as they don't all run into the embrace of the dark side. Some simply view their service differently or feel that the force is calling them somewhere else. Though given the reference I'm thinking it deserves a bit of back story more as to why he left and how it was he remained close to the temple. Maybe he wanted to breed and have a legacy. Maybe he felt love and decided to step away from duty so the strong emotion wouldn't cloud his judgement and jeopardize anything. Maybe he just felt to deny love was to deny the will of the force. Would be really cool to see where he's coming from and make his father a larger part of his life. Really paint it up so that his fall and subsequent murder of his father is that more tragic and shocking and shows just how drastic his fall was.

There's also a manner they could go from generally a good person to dark-side rather quickly without any real trauma, but it would require being tainted by something. A powerful artifact, a wayward dark side spirit leaving its mark or some other massive work of the dark side. Again it would be something that would have to be approached and put forth in a manner that is really striking instead of simply dismissing glancing over it. Might I suggest the use of foreshadowing here where he finds a saber (perhaps explaining the blade color) and keeps it hidden becoming obsessed with a strange design or what have you. The obsession becomes the gateway to corruption and maybe cue in some dreams that at first are frightening, but grow into something a bit more pleasing in his mind. Slowly tearing away his embrace on the light and opening him to the dark side of the force. Maybe he would pick up the weapon and set to bring the dreams to life.

Basically as Sparrow was running down it would take a fantastic story to really pull things off instead of just passing references. You've got a rough draft and some feedback that shows a little interest in it. Now is the point where you really flush it out and write what happened between those points and what led up to them and compound on those times if you want to run with the story. I've thrown an example of how it could be done, but it needs a lot of depth into it to really make the story something spectacular. Primo stats aren't always the sign of a good character. The true sign is a story that is unique and captivating and that no matter how wicked the character may become we almost want to see him succeed. That's the key to a good bad guy. Look at Vader, Maul and Fett. They were good bad guys because they were just so captivating. We wanted to know more about them and after we learn more we still want to see more from them. They are characters that are just infinitely captivating with a commanding presence that has you leaving the theatre making pew pew noises with a finger gun or mock saber fighting in the parking lot.

I kind of just wrote something quick to submit for Juroden Kel, but the criticism I got back was really inspiring that I found a community that is actually very interested in the story and not just in concept. Take the opportunity to write something deep into it and make it really interesting. It will help you enjoy the character infinitely more if you run it out like a movie in your mind. Mapping out the highs and lows and what attaches you to the character. Without some connection to your character you're not going to remain very entertained. Trust me.

[sparrow]

Very valid points Kel.

About the Temple, most civilized areas in the galaxy check young children for Force-sensitivity through a blood test. This would've been especially true close to the Temple. Of course, perhaps Allen's father was actively trying to hide his kid, but that would imply that he had some sort of beef with the Order, which means that the Jedi might sense that someone in the area was a bit off. Either way, easier for him to be somewhere nice and far away from the Temple.

It's true that a dark artifact/spirit can cause someone to go down the dark path. However, this usually involves the artifact/spirit magnifying some already existing negative trait within the character. For example, guys like Exar Kun and Ulic Qel-droma were powerful, upstanding Jedi before they went all darkside, but even before you could tell that there were some dark specks in their personality that would get them into later trouble. Point is, even though there is a personality section of the bio, try to show some of it in the actual bio itself as well. It'll make his story that much more convincing.

[allenwalker]

modded cant mod anymore *drops down dead*

[Cadyren]

Alright, i know it sucks to edit stuff but your getting there, don't give up now.

Rank: Please put grey Jedi instead of Jedi, I have no idea what the ranks are but I guess Padawan will do.

Bio:

Please edit out the last two sentences of your second paragraph, it conflicts with the first paagraph.

I don't think the Jedi would let him walk into the temple and make a Lightsaber, just say he did it at home.

You say that he killed the Dark jedi twice, please edit it.

You say he left naboo, did you mean thats where he was headed?

It would be nice to know a little bit more about his training, like what his strengths and weakness's were.

Stats:

I would suggest putting your saber point into two or maybe three forms, but that is entirely up to you.

When I asked you for variety, I didn't mean that his sixes were to high. I think you can bring one maybe two stats up to six.



See there isnt that much left to do. Just make these edits and you should be good, though I may have missed one or two things.

[Cadyren]

Alright, lets see if there is still anything left to fix.

Apr 28, 2010 14:26:10 GMT -5 allenwalker said:

. Allens father decided that they would live on dantooine but on the far side of the planet away from the jedi..

Apr 28, 2010 14:26:10 GMT -5 allenwalker said:

The built they're farm near the old jedi temple. Allens dad felt it was like some sort of sign of good luck.

These contradict each other, just edit one out.

Apr 28, 2010 14:26:10 GMT -5 allenwalker said:

Allen then left the planet Naboo

When did they move to Naboo?

Also in attributes please edit out all of those powers, as most of them fall under one of the Force ability catagories, like Push and pull fall under telekinesis, and Empathy under Telepathy. Also Force Defelction is a specilized skill and would need a couple of paragraphs in the bio to explain having it, so I suggest just not having the power.

That's about it. Once you edit the bio again I'll look it over again and if theres anything else I'll point it out.

[allenwalker]

*modded again and again and again*

[sparrow]

Couple things...

Spear of midnight black is a specialized skill and should be listed in that section if you ever intend to use it in RP. If you do however, then I'm going to need some description on how he learns it. He can't just pop it out of nowhere.

On the other hand, if him using the spear is a one-time occurrence, the result of sudden desperation and anger, something he's not going to be able to use again into formally taught, then I'll let you keep it as is.

Knight-level force users typically have a 4 or 5 in Shii-cho. Shii-cho is the basic form after all, and you can't learn advanced stuff without a good grasp on the basics first. So I'm going to ask you to add 2-3 points to Shii-cho to take it up to 4 or 5, and take off the same number of points from your other forms (thus keeping the same number of total points).

Aura of Uneasiness is a Sith magic technique, and sith magic is not allowed.

[allenwalker]

*modded sparrow and yes it was a one time use thing of ddesperation so i will have my character hacve to go adn learn it.*

[sparrow]

When I said "take off" when referring to lightsaber points, I meant subtraction, not addition.

Also, how does he actually join the Sith, since at the end of the bio he's at home playing the piano?

In addition, you never address the seven dark jedi that he supposedly killed.