Liam 'Passive Fist' McAdam

[Liam McAdam]

Name: Liam 'Echo' McAdam
Race: Human
Age: 17
Height: 5' 10"
Weight: 150lbs

Appearance: Height and weight aside, Liam has golden blond hair kept in a style resembling Leonardo Dicaprio from Titanic. His soft, light blue eyes have a periwinkle rim (near the outside of the iris) and a lavender tinge toward the pupils. He has a somewhat decent physique, not one to brag about but still allows for good looks. His clothing is the typical padawan outfit, with some makeshift modifications such as a purple metal shoulder-pad on his right arm.

Personality: On the immediate outside, Liam seems to be a quiet and passive individual, as he doesn't start conversations unless he needed to find something out. It is obvious, however, that he is somewhat troubled with the force due to a biological impediment. To his superiors (teachers, masters, knights, ect), he is a very polite individual who does not find reason to argue, even if he had been wronged by an individual.

To those he formed a friendly bond with, he is shown to be very loyal and would not sell them out (on purpose anyway). He does not argue with the orders of a higher rank, nor does he retaliate to domestic fights (being pushed around by an older person, ect)

If it is one thing he can follow of the Jedi Order, it is the fact he doesn't respond to love (more so passion), especially when it comes to women. It is not because he wishes to isolate himself from that, it is just that he is completely oblivious to such things like flirting.

Birth place: Ralltiir

Faction: Jedi Order
Rank: Padawan

Bio: Like most who become padawans, Liam was taken at about the age of 2 (approaching his third birthday) as a youngling and robbed of his family memories, where he was trained in the basics of the Jedi Order, such as how to wield a lightsaber. Born on Ralltiir, he was the second youngest child in a middle class family, and during a routine visit to Liam's home, one of the Jedi had requested to test their son's midi-chlorian count. Not ones to disobey a member of the Jedi Order, his parents obliged. Once the test proved positive, the mother and father instantly gave permission for their son to be taken into the Jedi Order. They were proud, more so because they were able to keep molding their oldest son and not focus on their younger son.

At the temple, he had no real trouble getting used to the lightsaber practice of Shii-cho, nor did he have any issues academically, as these were natural strong-points to him. He suffered from a biological impediment that hindered his usage of the force. This condition is best explained by an unequal count of Midi-chlorians in various cells within him. A case in point being his skin cells containing 13400 while his blood cells contained 14700, his muscle cells containing 10000, ect. This resulted in him being incapable of using the force as efficiently as most as it 'short circuits' and causes a 'shock', a painful yet non-fatal experience close to his heart.

As a result, Liam was left with just barely showing his colors as a jedi through his swordplay and his wits. While he continued training in Shii-Cho, as was the regiment of the younglings, he ignored the obstacles as he believed it was much simpler to focus on what he could do, rather than worry about his inefficiencies.

At about age six, he began to use a lightsaber like the other younglings. While his initial abilities were adequate at best, he focused more on that than The Force, something the other younglings saw as a flaw in him. This, and due to the childish nature of sticking with people who are alike, Liam was left out of the 'circle' of friends that was formed. Regardless, the youngling focused only on himself and getting through his learning experience and secluding himself from others. Often being in the 'back of the class', he spoke only when spoken to, which was rare as he was only called on by the instructor as a means to check if he was paying attention.

Having barely becoming a padawan at the age of 13, Liam was paired with a nautolan master, Nautalia. This choice was made by Nautalia, who saw Liam as a
'power type', or someone more suited for melee combat rather than a balance of lightsaber combat and usage of The Force. She also shared the belief in playing on one's strengths to make up for the short-comings. For the next four years, Liam followed his master diligently. Most of their tasks were domestic, such as keeping peace between civilians and helping with delivery. This is where his passive nature had been shown.

While on more war-torn planets, Liam had been more often than not the butt of civilian's jokes, and was even beaten up for trying to defend someone else without unnecessary force (not using the borrowed lightsaber). While he was being reduced to a punchbag, he did not lift a single fist up at the assailant. When asked by Nautalia why he didn't put up a fight, he simply replied "Because I did not need to.", stating that despite being on the receiving end of a physical attack, he wouldn't fight back unless absolutely necessary: such as a case of life or death.

At age 14, the routine was the same, albeit a bit more complicated. He had switched styles unintentionally while in a practice duel with Nautalia. These were often spars with training sabers with the same output as those younglings had used. As he had seen no reason to strike his master, he was always keeping on the defense. Through this habit, Nautalia saw that Soresu: a defensive fighting style, was the most suited for her student and introduced the basics of it to Liam. All throughout his 15th year, Liam focused on practicing Soresu and his supplementing his defenses with patience, but maintained Shii-cho in order to make a 'side-arm' style in case he were to ever need it. He was on one occasion called a pacifist by Nautalia, a joke that inspired his nickname 'passive-fist' due to his habit of fighting only when he was attacked first.

At the age of 16, Liam delved into research about geography or numerous planets, which came in handy for the duo, as Nautalia brought him to different planets for their tasks, only to have Liam navigating them to where they needed to go. This was the year their bond truly strengthened, but this also was where Nautalia was running out of time. She had been ill all during the four years she had known Liam, prolonging her life with medicine in order to realize her goal: to see Liam prove himself as an able jedi even without the use of The Force.

In the waning days of his 16th year, she proposed that her apprentice's 17th birthday would be when he would go to forge his light-saber. The day before his 17th birthday, he and Nautalia visited Ralltiir for one of their assignments. It was there that they met (without realizing it) Liam's younger sister, who instantly hit on the padawan as she had no clue it was her brother. This gained mixed reactions from the teacher and student: Annoyance and disregard respectively. This was only the first time this happened, as his indirect (inadvertent) rejection seemed to make him more interesting to other girls.

On his 17th birthday, he was sent to forge his own lightsaber as planned. .This, however, took about three months to complete, as a chunk of the time was spent meditating on the crystal, while the majority was a combination of actually using the force and to maintain it long enough to construct the hilt.

When it came to using the force in this situation, the process was very long due to how he only used it for small moments of time before he lost focus due to a small spasm near his heart, a somewhat painful, non-threatening 'shock' due to the 'short curcuit'. (think of how weird it would feel having a 'pins and needles' feeling and a muscle spasm at the same time). It took him a good two weeks as he was able to construct the hilt little by little, finally finishing it as he conditioned himself to resist the 'spasms' for a total of 20 seconds before having to wait for about 60 seconds to 'cool down', allowing his body to rest before he is able to use telekinesis again..

It had been a normal single-phase blade with a custom hilt. The hilt had special grooves to fit the fingers for an easier grip. He did this only as he wished to focus more on maintaining a defense rather than worrying about dropping his weapon, which he had noticed would most likely jeopardize him if he were caught in an actual fight.

The crystal, however, was a unique color, resulting in a carnation pink blade. When he picked the pink crystal, it was simply explained in his mind as 'something in-between', as he had known that the Sith of the past had used red light sabers, while white was a symbolic color of good and virtue. Pink was a mixture of red and white, thus being 'neutral'. Where he found it was an easy question: amongst an area where many crystals were cluttered together. This caused some being mixed, forming 'impure' crystals rather than the standard crystal. Judging by the untouched state, the impure crystals were avoided or left alone, something the padawan was able to relate to.

Upon returning from this venture, however, he learned of Nautalia's death. This was most likely the most painful blow the boy could ever suffer, as Nautalia was the only actual friend he had. He was also unable to shake the fact out of his mind that he missed the chance to pay his respects. It was decided by the council that Liam was to return to Coruscant and remain there until he was assigned to a new master, something that made things even more difficult for him to follow the path he was given.

Lightsaber: Single phase, custom-grip hilt
Color: pink

Practiced Lightsaber forms:
Shii-cho 4

Soresu: 2

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 3
Telepathic: 1
Body: 2
Sense: 1
Protection: 1
Healing: 1
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 5
Intelligence: 5
Speed:5
Leadership: 3 (only due to him helping his master)

Unarmed: 4 (enough only for defense)
Melee Weapons: 3 (Average)
Ranged Weapons: 1

Force Attunement: 2 (due to his education and his lack of usage of the force)

RP Sample: "Three months..." he muttered to himself as he looked below at the many structures below him. He was being flown back to Ralltiir, the place he and his master visited before he was sent to forge his light saber. Fiddling with the hilt, Liam smiled to himself. He could finally see Nautalia, his closest friend and his superior, for the first time in two months. Once the carrier ship landed, the teenage padawan exited, waving to the driver. "Thanks for the lift!" he thanked him, and soon parted ways, walking to look around for someone. This search did not last too long, as Liam's leg hit something and he tripped over what he thought was a trash can.

"Crud.." he spoke to himself before he got up, hearing beeping as he looked to see it was not a trashcan that he tripped over. It was an astromech-droid, and he was anxious to ask something as he recognized it immediately. "R-8, have you seen Master Nautalia?" he asked, and the droid gave a sound as if being upset to say 'no', but made a projection of a figure. The sight of the figure made the boy instantly stand up straight, left hand to his side as he used his right hand to make some sort of polite salute.

"H-Hello." he spoke, the council member chuckling over the means of communication. From the looks of it, the council member was human- but that was only due to the hologram that he was able to guess from. "Hello young padawan...relax, you're not in trouble or anything." the council member joked as Liam felt a little more at ease and relaxed slightly. "Listen to me, I have to tell you something in regards to your Master, Nautalia." the council member went straight to the point, making the padawan get his hopes up.

"Have you seen her? Is she alright?" he asked, and the council member shook his head. "That is what I was going to tell you. She died a month ago of terminal illness." the council member replied and Liam felt a sort of strange pain in his chest. As if something just vanished from inside of him. His eyes burned as he held back tears "We require you to return to the temple of Coruscant and wait there until you are paired with a new Jedi Master." he added and Liam nodded and took a breath, trying to calm down. "I'm sorry...I know how important she was to you." the council member finished, the hologram ending before Liam looked at R-8 and nodded. "Let's just go..." he spoke, following the droid. He couldn't believe it- his best and only real friend was dead.

[kozeph]

Hello im here to drop some advice on ya (: (im no mod btw)
padawans generaly make their lightsabers way sooner that their 17th birthday, the usually make them around the time they become a padawan.

if he is 17 then shii cho should be around 4 o 3 and you can have a second form of lightsaber I believe...

some stats are extremely high.. like the 9 in intelligence (a 5 is your average person, a six is someone smart.. and a 9 well that would make smarter than a rocket cientist well more than a whole crew of them XD) anyways the mods will likely ask drop that.. unless you make a great profile...

also the force stats are at the level of a knight or even a Jedi masters so you should drop them, keep up the hard work man!

[Anna]

Stats will have to be lowered. Every stat should only be around a 5 max.

Keep in mind he's a Padawan. You explain none of your stats much, and you need to do that to get more than a 6 in anything. You should expand on your bio as well, right now you have very little. You should be looking at other bios plz. Also please take out the bold in your bio and leave it only for the stuff that's already there. You should read the section notes again.

I dun want to go in a lot of detail because right now (and no offense) you have a vastly incomplete bio here, which you should finish, think about the missions he goes on how he responds to the Jedi etc.

[Rugs]

Hey Liam. As you requested, here I am to take a look at what you've got

Okay, first things first, you need to fix your bold tags. The only things that need to be bolded are the categories, i.e. Name, Weight, Height, etc. You might have missed one of the ending tags or something; it's a simple enough thing to fix, though

Now, for the bio, what you have is alright, but you need to expand on things. We're a detail-oriented group of people here at SWU, and we ask to see details put into the backstory for the character. Now, with what you're shooting for, with this whole fear of the Force thing, it shouldn't be too hard to put something together, since that's something that's rich in possibilities. For example, it's obviously something that Liam would have to struggle with, especially since he's being trained to be a Jedi. You could illustrate a few of these, and you could even expand a bit on what it's like for Liam to feel the Force in the way he does.

Also, once he gets paired with his first master, you could tell a bit about how their training went, and how they worked together as a duo. Obviously, the thing with being afraid of the Force could play in here as well, as it's something that would probably be a big hurtle for both of them.

Here are some examples of bios for Jedi characters that are near the same age as Liam, so you can get a feel for what's usually looked for:

Jazen Solari (up to the section 'One Teacher for Another,' since everything from that point on are things that have happened out on the boards)


Mordin Al'Cauthron

Also, as far as lightsaber construction goes, it can be done at any time during the padawan years. It doesn't have to be at the beginning; my own Jedi didn't build his until he was 18. Until they build their own, they just use one that their master provides.

And while I'm on that subject, I also want to note that, in my opinion, it might be best to wait until he gets over his fear, since the process of building a lightsaber is a very force-focused one. That's because one the Jedi finds a crystal, they spend about a month meditating over it and imbuing it with their presence, to bind it to themself. That is, of course, a process that would be steeped in the usage of the Force. Those are just my thoughts, though.

You can also use those to get a feel for what Liam's stats should look like. Now, I will say that if he's wary of using the Force, he's not going to be very strong in those areas. Obviously, if you don't do something often, you can't grow to be very good at it, y'know? That's how Force powers work: there more you use them, or train them, the better you get at them.

And as for things that need to come down, sense and intelligence definitely do. An 8 in Sense is something you'd see in a master-level force user, and a 9 in intelligence is something you'd expect to see in like... Stephen Hawkings or something xD

Just so you know, stats here can be a bit odd at first. Here, anything above a 7 needs mention in-bio, and the higher the score, the better the explanation needs to be. Now, they only go up to 9, since a 10 is considered perfection, and just something we don't allow in anything but strength. And even with strength, unless you're a multi-ton construction droid, you're not gonna get one xD A Wookiee would be about an 8, for example.

That's it for now. If you have any questions, you can feel free to ask, either down in the box, or through PMs. Twysper and Kellaishleya are the mods for the section, so they're good people to go to for help. You can feel free to ask me anything as well, and I'll be glad to help you as I can

[Liam McAdam]

I think that should suffice ^^

Edit: I know I forgot to put the RP sample, proboards F*cked up while I was typing it and it didn't register as a modification.

[Liam McAdam]

Sorry for the double post, but this is just an update: the RP sample has been added.

[Twysper]

Herro there Liam! ^^

I are Twysper, Jedi mod, and I'm here to LOOK OVER YOUR BIO.

Are you psyched yet? =3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Like most who become padawans, Liam was taken at an extremely young age as a youngling and robbed of his family memories, where he was trained in the basics of the Jedi Order, such as how to wield a lightsaber. He excelled in wielding a lightsaber and academically, the only problem was his refusal to utilize the force. This stemmed from his hyper-sensitivity to The Force, or a state of paranoia due to the callings of both sides. This put a mental strain on him, and as such resulted in him being fearful of The Force as a whole.

INSERT MORE THINGS ON LIFE AT THE TEMPLE HERE!

Having barely becoming a padawan at the age of 13, Liam was paired with a nautolan master, Nautalia.

Alright, you skip from birth to age 13 very, very quickly here, without much in the way of development for Liam here. A lot of development is hinted at here, but not expanded upon. Like his adversity to the Force. Why and how did this occur? A specific incident? Detail, detail, detail. xD

Upon returning from this venture, however, he learned that his master had vanished with no trace of where she went. As it was about two months since her disappearance, however, she was considered lost and the others seemed to forget about her. This event robbed Liam of the only person he considered a friend, and forced him to return to Coruscant to find a new master.

There are no unknowns in the bio, so what happened to his master? Where did she go; presumably she was on a mission? You're going to have to detail this a little more for me to accept it. It's okay for Liam to not know, but we should. x)

And ftr, others would not forget about her. The Jedi take very good care of their own. It's okay if you want Liam to feel helpless or similar, and maybe get a little angry that no one's found his master yet, but there would definitely be an ongoing effort to find her.


~~~~~~

Aaaaaaand I'm going to sleep now, for I am tired, but I will probably update this post to include anything else I see in the bio, plus a stats review tomorrow. x)

My apologies. v.v

[Liam McAdam]

Ok, I did everything I could see that fit that critique. If I missed anything, please let me know.

[Twysper]

Opting to post, because editing the other post now would be confusing.

Time for a second go through...

~~~~~~~~~~

First... Bold tags in name:, race:, age:, height:, weight:, and appearance: still need to be moved to only encompass the category name, not any of the content. =3

Personality:, birthplace:, faction:, rank:, and bio: should have these added, but again only to the category names.

Moving on....

He does not argue with the orders of a higher rank, nor does he retaliate to domestic fights (being pushed around by an older person, ect)

If it is one thing he can follow of the Jedi Order, it is the fact he doesn't respond to love (more so passion), especially when it comes to women. It is not because he wishes to isolate himself from that, it is just that he is completely oblivious to such things like flirting.

Errrrrr... I'm confused as to how the first bit's mention came about. Something in particular happen in Liam's life? If so, what? You seem to be hinting (with your use of domestic) that an older Jedi pushed him around at some point. (That's probably not going to fly, for the record. xP)

Second bit; it'd help if you could show an example of this in the bio. how would he know that he doesn't respond to love/passion/whatever? Did one of the female students in the temple have a crush on him at some time?

^ Just a few aspects of the character that are hinted at, but aren't shown in the bio. =3

I want reasons for his behavior and personality, darn it all! xD

Anyhooo...

~~~~~

Like most who become padawans, Liam was taken at an extremely young age as a youngling and robbed of his family memories, where he was trained in the basics of the Jedi Order, such as how to wield a lightsaber. This was a typical scenario, however it would be

What planet was he born on(mention in bio)? How did the Jedi find him? How did his parents react to the Jedi's request to take their likkle son to the temple?

The first experience Liam would have using a lightsaber is around age 5 or 6.

Did he have any friends?

Also, there's a cut-off sentence right at the end. =3


Next bit!

At the temple, he had no real trouble getting used to the lightsaber practice of Shii-cho, nor did he have any issues academically, as these were natural strong-points to him. However, he suffered from a mental stress that some labeled as a reaction 'hyper-sensitivity', which was just an advanced version of a 'force sensitive'. The reaction was due to a confusion, as he claims, from two voices. In actuality, these were callings from both the 'Light side' and the 'Dark side', which was making him more wary about The Force as a whole. This resulted in him just barely making it through the trial to becoming a padawan, relying on only his fighting and his wits.

So... Is he just majorly sensitive to the force? I'm not quite sure I follow here.

However, he suffered from a mental stress that some labeled as a reaction 'hyper-sensitivity'

^ is not a grammatically correct bit of writing. Some words need to be changed, added, or removed to make it so, and then I imagine I'll understand better. x)

Also, there is not a trial to become a padawan. =3 Liam would have to be selected by a master before his 13th birthday, or else he'd be shipped off to the medicorps or agricorps.

It helps even more if you give a viable reason why Nautalia chose Liam. =3 As I understand it, he's sort of... force-impaired, which would limit his appeal, more than anything. xD


Then there's the pink lightsaber. Call me stereotypical or whatever, but errr, was he -going- for pink? He'd be able to know the color of the crystal as soon as he looked at it. Also, where did he find a pink crystal? =3

In reality, the Jedi had ran off to cut the ties between herself and her student in order to prevent any possibility of falling to the dark-side due to the chance of a romantic bond being formed. It was decided by the council that Liam was to return to Coruscant and remain there until he was assigned to a new master, something that made things even more difficult for him to follow the path he was given.

By running off, I assume she actually left the Order, effectively going 'grey?' I'm kind of mrrr, though. Did she tell the council why she was leaving, or just up and disappear all of a sudden? =3

The rest of the bio is fine, though I'd like a mention of him training in Soresu somewhere in thar. =3

As far as saber stats go, lower Soresu by 1 point, and you'll be good there.

Force stats are sorta underpowered, but I think that's what you have in mind for the character...

Other attribs. are okay, except for melee, which is a bit of an oddity for a Jedi padawan, and needs mention in the bio if it's to stay. Alternatively, you could just move it to a 2-3 and let it ride. =3

Specialized Skills: Force push (After the first rp thread he is in)

^ You can just pull that out. Force push falls under the area of Telekinesis. x)

~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry if any of the above lacks coherency, or needs a better explanation. xD Just ask me to re-explain something if you need too.

It looks like we're all done here this time around. =3

[Liam McAdam]

Fixed, and I added a detail to show that the Jedi Council had helped Nautalia out on it. She was meant to remain in the order, just insured not to see her student again.

[Twysper]

While some of it was indeed fixed, everything I brought up in my last review was important, and needs to be edited accordingly.

Reread my last post carefully, make all the edits, and then post to tell me you're done. =3

I enjoy helping people, but I do not enjoy wasting my time.

Kthxbai. =3

[Liam McAdam]

Things I have fixed:
The explanation of the pink crystal
Why Nautalia chose to be Liam's Master
Examples of Liam being oblivious to romance
The development of Soresu
The passive nature in domestic affairs
More info on the custom grip
Parents reactions

And with the cut-off sentence, I edited that before hand, but my comp messed up and stopped me from updating it.

[Twysper]

^^ Much obliged.

Now onwards to victory/approval! =3

~~~~~~~

Liam was taken at an extremely young age as a youngling

Actual age? =3 I'd hate to assume.

Born on Ralltiir, he was the second youngest child in a middle class family, and during a routine visit, one of the Jedi had requested to test their son's midi-chlorian count.

Routine visit to Ralltiir, or Liam's home? =3

The former would make sense if the Jedi was on a mission that required him being there frequently, the latter would not make much sense in most situations. x)

He suffered from 'hypersensitivity' , which was just an advanced version of a 'force sensitive'. The reaction was due to a confusion, as he claims, from two voices. In actuality, these were callings from both the 'Light side' and the 'Dark side', which was making him more wary about The Force as a whole. This condition is best explained by an unequal count of Midi-chlorians in various cells within him. A case in point being his skin cells containing 3400 while his blood cells contained 5700, his muscle cells containing 3000. Theoretically, this imbalance causes a 'leak', or a 'short-circuit', where the cells on the receiving end have a lower midi-chlorian count than the 'sending' cells, the larger counting ones. The excess 'force charge', or the 'unfiltered' force being channeled by the midi-chlorian, is then sent to the brain as it has nowhere else to go. This causes The Force to have a direct route to his brain and subsequently his mind: causing the 'echoes' to be heard.

Now, first off, I believe most Jedi have midi-counts of around 10k+. But that's really a moot point, except to say that your character would be barely FS with those numbers. =3

This causes The Force to have a direct route to his brain and subsequently his mind: causing the 'echoes' to be heard.

Alright, first off, every Jedi technically has the above force connection. Hearing the 'echoes,' not so much. The Force doesn't ever really communicate with Force-users outside the occasional vision, and having the Force talk to your character isn't going to fly. :/

With this being the case, Liam quickly became paranoid when he researched The Force, as he knew the Dark Side was a constant calling, yet he figured the Light Side would be the same.

Just a note; the Jedi are technically 'indoctrinating' the children that are in their Order towards the side of the Light as soon as they get them. The Dark side would be mentioned only in a very negative light during a Jedi's time as a youngling, and certain knowledge in the archives is reserved for older Knights and Masters.

he had often been found in situations where girls had flirted with him, much to the latter's confusion as he claimed they were acting 'strange'. This was a confirmation to the council that him falling prey to the dark side due to romance was not to be worried about- as he just didn't get it.

Errrr, (assuming the bio moves chronologically) in this section of the bio, Liam isn't even six yet. =3

Those are some darn flirty girls. xDDDD

Perhaps move this to a bit later in life? (or ignore me if the bio doesn't always follow chrono. order) x)

As he had seen no reason to strike his master, he was always keeping on the defense. With his intention to make sure he didn't get hit, he figured out Soresu, a style meant for defense and patience rather than aggressive attacks. As these exercises were meant to get the padawan used to fighting, they dragged on for quite some time, often ending in Nautalia getting tired and Liam winning by default as he exerted little energy in defending.

Tone this down? =3

Naut. is going to be about 25 years old minimum here, maybe older, and a 14 year old paddy, even one using Soresu, is going to get tired before her. Another note on switching styles unintentionally; going from using, assumably, Shii-cho to Soresu is similar to going from a striking martial art, say karate, to wrestling.

It's a conscious decision, and 'figuring out' Soresu all of a sudden isn't feasible. =3 Though, he could figure out he preferred it, and that it suited his style as a Jedi.

One last question, did Nautalia teach him Soresu?

The day before his 17th birthday, he and Nautalia visited Ralltiir, Liam's birth planet.

Any particular reason? =3

Upon returning from this venture, however, he learned that his master had vanished with no trace of where she went. It was about two months since she vanished, making things all the more painful for the padawan. In reality, the Jedi had to cut the ties between herself and her student in order to prevent any possibility of falling to the dark-side due to the chance of a romantic bond being formed. She had arranged to fake her disappearance with the Jedi Council, which surprisingly was allowed despite the underhanded method.

I'm glad you note the underhanded method. xD

However, what's detailed isn't going to work, because the council would not approve of such actions. They could be separated, yes, but not in such a dramatic fashion. =3

It might be easier in the long run to make Naut. a Grey Jedi. Or kill her off. >;D

...Just something to consider. x)

~~~~Stats~~~~

Housecleaning! ^^

Just pull out the few little notes next to the numbers, s'all. =3

~~~~~~~~~~~~

And done. x)

[Liam McAdam]

Things I added:
The family reunion
the actual age

Things changed/revised:
The 'force impairment', as it makes more sense to be more biological than mental (building upon the 'short circuit' concept)

Things fixed:
the coherency of the 'flirt' moment
the reason for Nautalia and Liam's separation.

[Liam McAdam]

Bump: just so this thread doesn't get buried and the profile 'dies'

[Twysper]

Apologies for my long absence! >.>

Pesky vacations and all.

~~~~~~~~~

At age 14, the routine was the same, albeit a bit more complicated. He had switched styles unintentionally while in a practice duel with Nautalia. These were often spars with training sabers with the same output as those younglings had used. As he had seen no reason to strike his master, he was always keeping on the defense. Through this habit, Nautalia saw that Soresu: a defensive fighting style, was the most suited for her student and introduced the basics of it to Liam. As these exercises were meant to get the padawan used to fighting, they dragged on for quite some time, often ending in Nautalia getting tired and Liam winning by a quick switch to Shii-cho: the basic combat style. All throughout his 15th year, Liam focused on practicing Soresu and his supplementing his defenses with patience, but maintained Shii-cho in order to make a 'side-arm' style.

Lime Green: the wording of this still needs to be changed, (or this sentence, deleted) for randomly switching to a form not practiced is unfeasible.

Teal: Liam isn't going to be winning any actual fights against his master at 14 or 15, just a note.

This was the year their bond truly strengthened, but this also was a time of fear for Nautalia. She didn't want their bond to be strong enough that if anything happened to her, Liam would be more susceptible to the influence of the Dark Side in his sorrow. In the waning days of his 16th year, she proposed that her apprentice's 17th birthday would be when he would go to forge his light-saber. The day before his 17th birthday, he and Nautalia visited Ralltiir, Liam's birth planet as it seemed like a good idea for Liam to see his family for the first time in at least 12 years.

First thing-- Most to all masters develop strong bonds with their padawans; all deal with such worries. That's part of taking on an apprentice. What made this so different that Nautalia felt the desire to actually abandon Liam and his training? If you're going to pull this off, you're going to need the 'love' aspect back in here. Makes more sense, gives a better reason. x)

Lime Green: I don't know who among the pair had this idea, but it's not going to fly. Jedi severely limit their attachments at worst, and have none at best. Why Nautalia would take him to see his parents is beyond me.

Of lesser importance, but still worth noting;

It was there that they met (without realizing it) Liam's younger sister, who instantly hit on the padawan as she had no clue it was her brother.

So, they went to Ralltiir, because Liam seeing his family seemed like a good idea, and then, without knowing it, they met his sister? I mean, it seems like they'd be able to find out it was his sister if they were going there to meet Liam's parents, right? Mrrrrr... =3

When they met his parents, the reunion wasn't a very great one as his mother and father seemed to have favored his older brother, who had by then become one of the most successful people on Ralltiir. His brother, on the other-hand, was glad to see Liam and was curious as to how his life had been since he was taken by the Jedi Order.

(If the above visit to Raaltiir is still kept) How did this event affect Liam? This bit in particular has some stellar potential for character growth.

On his 17th birthday, he was sent to forge his own lightsaber as planned. Soon after, Nautalia spoke with the Jedi Council, requesting to 'retire' from being Liam's master and having him reassigned with the reasoning that their friendship might end up being the catalyst of him possibly falling to the darkside.

While it would be odd, and probably frowned upon, this explanation for them splitting up could work, (Nautalia 'retiring') although, mrrrr, it'd be really weird. Taking on a padawan isn't something done lightly, and the friendship-being-catalyst-to-dark-side reasoning bit is also kinda strange, because, as stated before, all Jedi master/padawan duos tend to have strong friendships/bonds. =3 Putting forth my recommendation for something involving the word 'love' again. x)

This also had a side benefit, as he could 'invert' his hold on the light saber and have a more solid defense.

I'm assuming this is something akin to backhanded Djem So/Shien?
It's going to need mention that he trained holding his lightsaber backhanded, if you want to keep this. It's quite different (and at least, from my perspective, [might have even been mentioned on wookiee as such] would be harder to defend with) from the usual grip, and changes the angles of defense and attack significantly from what he'd have been learning for most of his life up till then.

Upon returning from this venture, however, he learned that he was to be reassigned due to the possibility of their friendship becoming too strong. The Council had not divulged that it was Nautalia's idea that they were to be separated, as was requested. It was decided by the council that Liam was to return to Coruscant and remain there until he was assigned to a new master, something that made things even more difficult for him to follow the path he was given.

Lime Green: Reassigned because Nautalia was 'retiring'? Reassigned because Nautalia was scared that she loved him? Reassigned because Nautalia had a revelation that she wasn't ready to handle a padawan?

=3 The friendship thing just doesn't make sense; not a good enough reason to end an already five-year apprenticeship, but can be fixed by merely rewording a bit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

And done! ^^

G'luck with your edits and feel free to PM me about anything; you're close to approval!

[Liam McAdam]

Fixed what I could.

1) I figured it is easier to just kill Nautalia off.

2) the Shii-cho is now kept in case he ever needs to change

3) the grip is now meant to prevent (or at least make it easier to avoid) dropping his light saber due to how he can't rely on his already pathetic affinity with The Force.

[Twysper]

This was the year their bond truly strengthened, but this also was a time of fear for Nautalia. She didn't want their bond to be strong enough that if anything happened to her, Liam would be more susceptible to the influence of the Dark Side in his sorrow. In the waning days of his 16th year, she proposed that her apprentice's 17th birthday would be when he would go to forge his light-saber. The day before his 17th birthday, he and Nautalia visited Ralltiir, Liam's birth planet as it seemed like a good idea for Liam to see his family for the first time in at least 12 years.

Lime Green: I don't know who among the pair had this idea, but it's not going to fly. Jedi severely limit their attachments at worst, and have none at best. Why Nautalia would take him to see his parents is beyond me.

Of lesser importance, but still worth noting;

It was there that they met (without realizing it) Liam's younger sister, who instantly hit on the padawan as she had no clue it was her brother.

So, they went to Ralltiir, because Liam seeing his family seemed like a good idea, and then, without knowing it, they met his sister? I mean, it seems like they'd be able to find out it was his sister if they were going there to meet Liam's parents, right? Mrrrrr... =3

When they met his parents, the reunion wasn't a very great one as his mother and father seemed to have favored his older brother, who had by then become one of the most successful people on Ralltiir. His brother, on the other-hand, was glad to see Liam and was curious as to how his life had been since he was taken by the Jedi Order.

(If the above visit to Raaltiir is still kept) How did this event affect Liam? This bit in particular has some stellar potential for character growth.

^ Still needs to be fixed, and then I do believe I can approve Liam.

[Liam McAdam]

Removed: Family reunion

Replaced with: Just another random assignment.

[Twysper]

^^ Very nice.