High Council Member Si Quan

[Cain]

Mar 3, 2011 17:50:51 GMT -5 Kella said:

Alright, since Twysper has some RL stuff, I'll be answering your questions!

The thing is, if we tell you something needs to be edited... It needs to be edited. There is no way to explain it further, without editing it, that will suffice.

Both myself and Twysper, before we provide any feedback, try to think of ways that something could be plausible. If we find ways, we don't give the feedback.

If we don't, we request an edit. So, any amount of explaining OOC is not going to fix the problem. Period. Just kind of the way things are. xD

I feel I should offer an apology here before I respond to this, I do not intend to be difficult. However, you'll have to forgive me if I do not have absolute faith in the infallibility of you, Twysper, or just about anybody. It is possible that there could be a misunderstanding or misinterpretation of what I have intended in my bio and what you have understood it to mean. If I feel that this is a possibility I will attempt to explain myself.

Mar 3, 2011 17:50:51 GMT -5 Kella said:

So. Here we go.

--"but I'll go back and mod that to say the "violent" nature of the Epicanthix, which is what I intended in saying savage, to imply they were cut-throats, not uncivilized."
But the Epicanthix are not violent. They are not cut-throats. That is the problem. xD They are honorable warriors. That doesn't mean they go trying to kill people at any chance. So yes, this still needs to be edited, as it gives the wrong impression.

If that word is still giving the wrong impression then I'll remove that sentence from the bio.

Mar 3, 2011 17:50:51 GMT -5 Kella said:

--"I don't see why Jal couldn't have shown his son how to handle a blaster, especially when Jal had every intention to raise the boy to be a hunter like his father."
I live with three six year olds. xD So, not gonna happen. Period. I hardly even trust them with Nerf guns...

Well seeing as how this will become an issue later in the bio, I'll ask the question here. Is there anything Jal CAN do with his son at this age? Because you've told me he can't teach him to use a blaster (even though I know personally of people whose parents let them handle guns as early as six), he can't teach him to hunt or track, and he can't even take him along to watch on his hunting trips (again, I know of people who have taken their kids at ages as young as Si was on hunting trips). I can understand a lot of where you guys are coming from with your advice, but things like this, it just seems like you writing my character for me. If I say Jal took his son hunting, and showed him how to handle a blaster, who are you to tell me he didn't, or that he wouldn't? Just because you think it's irresponsible doesn't mean I do or that Jal would.

Mar 3, 2011 17:50:51 GMT -5 Kella said:

--"Indeed, I am aware of that. The point here is that Si finds the peacefulness of nature to be calming, whatever that nature may be. "
Buuuuuuuuut he's never seen waterfalls or trees. So it sounds to me like you're just making excuses not to have to edit it. ;D Prove me wrong.

Well aside from the fact that editing that would take less than thirty seconds, you don't need to have seen waterfalls or trees to enjoy a peaceful, natural silence. If you're still not convinced, tell me, I'll edit it for you.

Mar 3, 2011 17:50:51 GMT -5 Kella said:

--"There's nothing wrong with the plan, while it may not solve every problem on Panatha, it isn't without it's own logic. Which means it's not absurd to conclude that it would happen, which also means it probably doesn't need to be radically modded, which I believe is the heart of this matter."
The arrest of Kade may be kept as it is, but you need to make mention to how the Jedi solved the problems resulting from the anarchy that followed. You need to make it clear that killing Kade did not solve all the problems or save the planet. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Unless you want to change them going after Kade, of course.

The final outcome of the situation on Panatha isn't terribly relevant to the rest of the story, which is why I hadn't mentioned it. Though if you feel it is, I'll go ahead and add it.

The elimination of Kade was followed swiftly by Lun Quan taking over control of the Panatha military. While a good deal of displeasure with the Republic still existed on Panatha, the immediate threat of war had been dealt a significant blow with the loss of Kade. The PIM was now without a leader holding high office on Panatha and would need a good deal of time to reorganize if there was to be any further threat. In the meantime the Jedi would leave representatives with Senator Quan to watch over the situation and continue to assist him in maintaining the peace.

Mar 3, 2011 17:50:51 GMT -5 Kella said:

--"Well it might have something to do with the woman and child that Kade had pointed his blaster at and the possibility that charging forward in order to slice his blaster might provoke a shot at some innocents... which Kade did anyway before Maha could attack, and Maha defended them and disabled Kade at the same time."
Jedi are trained to be above emotion, so he would not hesitate out of lack of confidence or clear mind. Furthermore, as a Jedi, he's much faster than Kade. So, there still needs to be an explicitly stated, sensical reason as to why a Jedi master was rendered incapable.

Ok, again here's one of those situations where I have to question whether you've really considered all the possibilities. You're suggesting that it's unreasonable that Maha would decide to keep himself between Kade and Yu and simply deflect the blaster bolt that ensued, and therefore the only possible thing he could have done that makes any sense is charge at Kade and slice his blaster. I do not understand why the former is impossible, because Maha isn't necessarily hesitating, he's making a strategic choice to try and perhaps reason with Kade instead of attacking him. It is a choice that Kade negates by firing his weapon without listening to reason, but that is an outcome Maha is ready for.

Again, Maha did what he did because he's my character and I'm saying that's what he did. His actions are not illogical. Sure, there may have been an alternative solution he could have explored that may have generated a better outcome, but he didn't do that. He did what I've explained he did, and I'm not convinced there's anything wrong with it that requires modification. Jedi are not automatons that can only react one way.

Mar 3, 2011 17:50:51 GMT -5 Kella said:

--"It absolutely makes sense that he would feel regretful that such violence was necessary."
If it were necessary, as a Jedi, he would feel no regret. Regret is an undesired emotion. Sorrow, perhaps, that it was necessary, but not regret.

The exact word I use in my bio is that Maha is "disappointed" that they were unable to capture Kade peacefully. Can he be disappointed?

Mar 3, 2011 17:50:51 GMT -5 Kella said:

--"Does this really make so little sense that it needs to be mentioned? Maybe the point of this part of the story is setting up Si's use of Force Repulse for a future event, and in that case having him not have the lightsaber is a necessary plot device."
There are Jedi in and out of the caves all the time looking for and cataloging saber crystals. There might be small nasties, but nothing big and deadly like this. Also, the bit about lightsabers taking a month to construct stands.

I never argued that Si took less than a month. He spent a week in the cave focusing on his crystal... do you mean it takes a month to focus a crystal or to construct the whole lightsaber. Because if it's the whole lightsaber then we have no issue.

Mar 3, 2011 17:50:51 GMT -5 Kella said:

However, he could get the crystals in the cave, and mediate on them/build the saber elsewhere. There's even a little temple over the crystal caves. Now, I know Wookiee says it's not constantly occupied, but that's in reference to the Clone Wars era, I believe, and there are a LOT more Jedi in this era. So enough hustle and bustle to keep the Monsters off. If you want to keep the monster encounter, he must be accompanied by his master for the duration of his time in the caves. Period.

Well clearly I did not know that the caves would be so crowded. Though I am curious, what does his master being with him have to do with the monster encounter? I am willing to add it, I'm just not clear as to what one has to do with the other.

Mar 3, 2011 17:50:51 GMT -5 Kella said:

--"Why is what Alex is and is not able to do prudent to my character? "
It's prudent, because what Alex DOES to your character, is prudent to your character. xD You're the one who put him in the bio, with an extensive backstory, which must mean you think he's an important character. And what he can do is an important part of that.

I agree, but as I understand it, forbidden powers are forbidden because of the possibility of misuse in the RP. A character from Si Quan's past knowing such an ability leaves no chance for me to misuse said power in the RP. That is the point I was making here. Obviously there are some powers that have more to them, like Sith Magic since there are no Sith, and if the powers I've mentioned fit into that same category then I would understand the reasoning for not including them.

Mar 3, 2011 17:50:51 GMT -5 Kella said:

That being said, I'd like you to take out the confusing language where you mention that their minds are becoming one, and change it into something more like Alex trying to simply infiltrate his mind and flip through his memories and such. The second is much more acceptable, but achieves the same plot purpose.

I can do this.

Si could hear Alex in his head. As a last resort the Dark Lord was attempting to influence Si's mind as well. Though physically much more sturdy than Alex, Si's telepathic abilities still were not up to par with the Dark Master's. His mind was being infiltrated by Alex, he would have to think of something quickly or both he and Ganner would be killed.

Mar 3, 2011 17:50:51 GMT -5 Kella said:

--"1) At the time Si is doing this, he is not aware he has any ability called "Crucitorn". You will note that Crucitorn is never mentioned to Si by name, his ability to use it is gained through years of intense physical training which forces him to use the Force to augment his physicality in order to extend his endurance far beyond it's normal limits."
Yes, but that's small stuff. He's never been stabbed in the chest by a lightsaber before. There's no just 'coming across that pain in training', or the like. You have to be specifically trained, in special conditions, to be able to withstand this amount of pain when it finally comes. Canon or not, I feel that is a fair limit on this ability. One you need to implement.

--"3) When you do something like say, driving a foreign object through your chest cavity, the pain generated will tend to send most people into shock. This is where we find Alex, this is why he did that rather then just burn his skin."
Except, as soon as the mind connection is broken, as it would be, as soon as Alex felt that pain, his pain would stop. Furthermore, there is no actual damage to his tissues, so the lasting damage would be minimal. And if Quan gets his pain-resisting abilities just through intense training, Alex would have the same ones. There's no reason Alex wouldn't be able to stand through the attack -- especially since he'd be undergoing less stress and pain than Quan.

Well for one, he doesn't need the pain to continue after going into shock for him to be incapacitated. If the pain stops after he passes out, he still passed out.

Two, if you feel Si Quan's training is insufficient for him to know Crucitorn then I can always add to it so that it is sufficient. Just say so.

Mar 3, 2011 17:50:51 GMT -5 Kella said:

--"[WARNING]: If you're at all squeamish, it is recommended that you forgo the reading of this section of the bio."
I am neither impressed by the size, nor the obvious-ness. Nor is this really acceptable. I'm not squeamish, in any definition of the word, but I did not necessarily enjoy reading that bit. It's not about being squeamish, or not being able to take it, it's about wanting to spend time reading something like that.
You need to make it clear that that section involves graphic and violent content. This is a serious matter, so do not try to make it 'fun' or 'interesting' -- make it clear.

I'm sorry, I had intended the warning to be serious. Perhaps this is an instance where you could tell me what sort of warning you would like to see there.

Mar 3, 2011 17:50:51 GMT -5 Kella said:

--"The scene in the hanger before him was a dazzling light show, a stream of glowing red converging on a single man who appeared to be swaddled in a cocoon of furious green light."
Because of the edits that have been made, this is no longer consistent with what's happened. While dramatic, it's -too- dramatic. :3 Tone it down a bit, otherwise, it's going to sound pretentious.

Fine. Deleted it.

[Twysper]

~~~~~~

-"but I'll go back and mod that to say the "violent" nature of the Epicanthix, which is what I intended in saying savage, to imply they were cut-throats, not uncivilized." But the Epicanthix are not violent. They are not cut-throats. That is the problem. xD They are honorable warriors. That doesn't mean they go trying to kill people at any chance. So yes, this still needs to be edited, as it gives the wrong impression.

If that word is still giving the wrong impression then I'll remove that sentence from the bio.

The Epicanthix were known to the inhabitants of nearby planets as fierce warriors.

Thank you. ^^

--"I don't see why Jal couldn't have shown his son how to handle a blaster, especially when Jal had every intention to raise the boy to be a hunter like his father."
I live with three six year olds. xD So, not gonna happen. Period. I hardly even trust them with Nerf guns...

Well seeing as how this will become an issue later in the bio, I'll ask the question here. Is there anything Jal CAN do with his son at this age? Because you've told me he can't teach him to use a blaster (even though I know personally of people whose parents let them handle guns as early as six), he can't teach him to hunt or track, and he can't even take him along to watch on his hunting trips (again, I know of people who have taken their kids at ages as young as Si was on hunting trips). I can understand a lot of where you guys are coming from with your advice, but things like this, it just seems like you writing my character for me. If I say Jal took his son hunting, and showed him how to handle a blaster, who are you to tell me he didn't, or that he wouldn't? Just because you think it's irresponsible doesn't mean I do or that Jal would.

It's funny how your own example actually doesn't meet the criteria you're using to back it up.

And yeah, there is a difference between the capacities of a five year old and a six year old.

But let me ask you another question here, are they letting their kids shoot .22 rifles and target pistols or 9 mm. and .380 handguns?

There's a difference between simply handling a gun enough to be comfortable with it and being taught to shoot with it frequently.

Now, with that said, let's address the matter of Si going hunting with his dad at age five.

Let's just establish something right off the bat; Tatooine isn't a hunting preserve in the Pennsylvanian woods.

Worst thing you're going to run into out there is probably a bear, and that's relatively unlikely.

Bears, while claimed to be godless killing machines, are not armored, 45 meter long (average) Krayt Dragons.

And unless there's a clan of hobos dressed in brown robes with semi-automatic rifles that like to shoot people and take slaves hanging out around there, that's a bit different than conventional hunting in America too.

Then there's the sandstorms, wraids, the womp rats that would love to snack on a little kid...

You want to argue on the basis that hunting in America is about the same as fictional hunting on Tatooine, and so 5-6 year olds should be able to help out, ball's in your court now.

However, I see no problems with Jal teaching Si a bit of how to track, as long as it's relatively close to home, or showing him how a blaster works so he's comfortable with it.

Now, on to questioning what we do....

If I say Jal took his son hunting, and showed him how to handle a blaster, who are you to tell me he didn't, or that he wouldn't?

Using this logic, you do realize that there would be absolutely no need for moderators, the approval process, etc., right?

It's our job to point out things that are unlikely and illogical. We provide feedback to hopefully help people become better writers. We don't get paid, we give up our free time to keep the site flowing because we genuinely like the community.

The final outcome of the situation on Panatha isn't terribly relevant to the rest of the story, which is why I hadn't mentioned it. Though if you feel it is, I'll go ahead and add it.

I see that you wrote it already, but I'll clarify the 'why' of it...

In terms of closure for a mission, it's important. :3 It's about what your character takes away from the experience.

Because if the entire planet went to hell in a hand-basket after the direct actions of the Jedi, you'd think that's going to affect your character's personality and viewpoint some.

If on the other hand, it doesn't devolve into chaos, then Si could be open to understand that killing someone deemed a potential threat to the galaxy instead of arresting and giving them a trial is occasionally an acceptable way to do things.

But like I said, that's the 'why' of us asking for closure like this in Jedi missions, what you have is fine.

--"[WARNING]: If you're at all squeamish, it is recommended that you forgo the reading of this section of the bio."
I am neither impressed by the size, nor the obvious-ness. Nor is this really acceptable. I'm not squeamish, in any definition of the word, but I did not necessarily enjoy reading that bit. It's not about being squeamish, or not being able to take it, it's about wanting to spend time reading something like that.
You need to make it clear that that section involves graphic and violent content. This is a serious matter, so do not try to make it 'fun' or 'interesting' -- make it clear.

I'm sorry, I had intended the warning to be serious. Perhaps this is an instance where you could tell me what sort of warning you would like to see there.

Alright then. =3

"Warning, the following section has graphic and potentially disturbing content.

There's your coding, replace the current.

--"Well it might have something to do with the woman and child that Kade had pointed his blaster at and the possibility that charging forward in order to slice his blaster might provoke a shot at some innocents... which Kade did anyway before Maha could attack, and Maha defended them and disabled Kade at the same time."

Ok, again here's one of those situations where I have to question whether you've really considered all the possibilities.

I reflect your last concern back at you, actually.

You do realize there's nothing stopping Maha from deflecting the shot, and then disarming Kade (via slicing his blaster [or telekinesis for that matter]) to arrest him, right?

Which was what I was referring to back when this point was raised...

But again, whatever. x)

--"Does this really make so little sense that it needs to be mentioned? Maybe the point of this part of the story is setting up Si's use of Force Repulse for a future event, and in that case having him not have the lightsaber is a necessary plot device."
There are Jedi in and out of the caves all the time looking for and cataloging saber crystals. There might be small nasties, but nothing big and deadly like this. Also, the bit about lightsabers taking a month to construct stands.

I never argued that Si took less than a month. He spent a week in the cave focusing on his crystal... do you mean it takes a month to focus a crystal or to construct the whole lightsaber. Because if it's the whole lightsaber then we have no issue.

Jedi focus on their crystals for about a month before putting them in their lightsaber. The point about it taking a month was to say that Si going to Ilum alone would leave him weaponless for at least that long a period of time, which would frankly be stupid if there were giant monsters roaming through the areas frequently traversed by Jedi going to get lightsaber crystals.

And while we're on about plot devices, having a lightsaber in no way impedes Si's usage of the force, so if you want him to repulse some creature on Ilum while he's got a lightsaber, no one's stopping you. :3

I'm just saying the situation is only made out to be this dramatic because Si didn't have the foresight to bring a back up lightsaber in the event something happened.

And yeah, I also think it's odd no one at the Temple said anything about it (since there are giant beasties on Ilum) before Si took off by himself.

Kella mentioned him going to Ilum with his master because the master usually attends these sorts of things, and because Maha would probably be able to help in such a situation, no?

Si is only eighteen right now, for the record.

For this mission Si would need to go alone

So why does he need to go alone?

Well let's keep this in the context of what I have written in the bio; Si notices a puddle is disturbed and claw marks on a stalagmite, and from that infers the presence of a creature. You're saying that he could not have learned that much when he was five. (or even have the common sense to infer it without such instruction) Why not?

Finding his way around on a barren wasteland of a planet was something Si was not totally unfamiliar with, after all.

Since you're pushing for context, there it is for you.

You say pretty clearly that he's comfortable with going to Ilum by himself... Because he's familiar with finding his way around barren wastelands of planets... Because he lived on Tatooine when he was five.

Now you'll notice, when I brought this up in my review, I wasn't even referring to the tracking, you went off and assumed that.

I'll go ahead and post it here for you so you can just scroll right down and read it again. =)

For the last piece of his new lightsaber, Si would venture, as many Jedi had, to the crystal caves of the ice world Ilum. For this mission Si would need to go alone, though this was not as daunting to Si as it may have been to others. Finding his way around on a barren wasteland of a planet was something Si was not totally unfamiliar with, after all.


Living on Tatooine at age five does not equal survival skills get. =3 But if you're referencing something else, by all means, show me. xD

All cleared up now? =3

"3) When you do something like say, driving a foreign object through your chest cavity, the pain generated will tend to send most people into shock. This is where we find Alex, this is why he did that rather then just burn his skin."
Except, as soon as the mind connection is broken, as it would be, as soon as Alex felt that pain, his pain would stop. Furthermore, there is no actual damage to his tissues, so the lasting damage would be minimal. And if Quan gets his pain-resisting abilities just through intense training, Alex would have the same ones. There's no reason Alex wouldn't be able to stand through the attack -- especially since he'd be undergoing less stress and pain than Quan.

Well for one, he doesn't need the pain to continue after going into shock for him to be incapacitated. If the pain stops after he passes out, he still passed out.

The symptoms of shock are dizziness, cold sweat, paleness, passing out, etc. All of these would pass within a few minutes of the pain ending, especially if he fell on the ground and his heart wasn't above his legs.

"In compensated shock, the brain reroutes all of the blood in the body to go to your heart, brain, lungs and kidneys. These are your most vital organs, so your body is going to try to preserve what's most important."

So because nothing was really wrong with Alex's body, he'd stop at compensated shock, which would reverse itself pretty quick, if he were even in pain long enough to go into shock at all.

And with no real trauma.... Alex'd be shocked, but he wouldn't go into incapacitating shock.

Dizziness, paleness, maybe for a minute or two, as the body would quickly realize there's been no trauma, and then he'd recover.

Which still leaves you with a badly wounded Si carrying his padawan out of a ship crashing through the atmosphere with a really pissed off but physically unharmed Dark Jedi after him.

You've already mentioned a number of times in the bio that Alex is extremely fast.

Here's the Ultimatum: If Si stabs himself, he must barely survive. Crucitorn would only explain him not dying, not him being able to stand and rescue his Padawan. So, if Si is stabbed, you will need to find another way to get him off the ship.

If Si remains standing and gets his Paddy off the ship, then he must only clip himself with the blade, using the pain to distract Alex, then dealing with him in a permanent way, not just leaving him behind.

In both cases, Alex needs to be dealt with in a final way, as he would recover quickly from the assault.

^ Still there.

--"1) At the time Si is doing this, he is not aware he has any ability called "Crucitorn". You will note that Crucitorn is never mentioned to Si by name, his ability to use it is gained through years of intense physical training which forces him to use the Force to augment his physicality in order to extend his endurance far beyond it's normal limits."

Yes, but that's small stuff. He's never been stabbed in the chest by a lightsaber before. There's no just 'coming across that pain in training', or the like. You have to be specifically trained, in special conditions, to be able to withstand this amount of pain when it finally comes. Canon or not, I feel that is a fair limit on this ability. One you need to implement.

Two, if you feel Si Quan's training is insufficient for him to know Crucitorn then I can always add to it so that it is sufficient. Just say so.

I do think that's what Kella was getting at, so yep, add that, and quote it plox.

[Cain]

Mar 4, 2011 21:36:29 GMT -5 Twysper said:

It's funny how your own example actually doesn't meet the criteria you're using to back it up.

And yeah, there is a difference between the capacities of a five year old and a six year old.

But let me ask you another question here, are they letting their kids shoot .22 rifles and target pistols or 9 mm. and .380 handguns?

There's a difference between simply handling a gun enough to be comfortable with it and being taught to shoot with it frequently.

I actually do not know that information for sure. I know for sure that they were taught to handle the guns and went hunting, but I wasn't present, so I couldn't tell you for sure if they shot the guns or not. I realize this is the internet and I could easily just lie and say I do know for a fact they did, but I feel the whole subject of what a father would or would not responsibly let his son do isn't quite the core of the matter I was getting at. My point: It's irresponsible to let a five year old shoot a blaster. Ok. That doesn't mean it can't, or doesn't happen. Jal might just be an irresponsible father. That may just be how I want to write him.

Mar 4, 2011 21:36:29 GMT -5 Twysper said:

Now, with that said, let's address the matter of Si going hunting with his dad at age five.

Let's just establish something right off the bat; Tatooine isn't a hunting preserve in the Pennsylvanian woods.

Worst thing you're going to run into out there is probably a bear, and that's relatively unlikely.

Bears, while claimed to be godless killing machines, are not armored, 45 meter long (average) Krayt Dragons.

And unless there's a clan of hobos dressed in brown robes with semi-automatic rifles that like to shoot people and take slaves hanging out around there, that's a bit different than conventional hunting in America too.

Then there's the sandstorms, wraids, the womp rats that would love to snack on a little kid...

You want to argue on the basis that hunting in America is about the same as fictional hunting on Tatooine, and so 5-6 year olds should be able to help out, ball's in your court now.

I brought up the comparison of American kids to a fictional universe only after you guys did it first, (something involving kids and nerf guns I recall).

Mar 4, 2011 21:36:29 GMT -5 Twysper said:

Using this logic, you do realize that there would be absolutely no need for moderators, the approval process, etc., right?

It's our job to point out things that are unlikely and illogical. We provide feedback to hopefully help people become better writers. We don't get paid, we give up our free time to keep the site flowing because we genuinely like the community.

Mar 4, 2011 21:36:29 GMT -5 Twysper said:

I reflect your last concern back at you, actually.

You do realize there's nothing stopping Maha from deflecting the shot, and then disarming Kade (via slicing his blaster [or telekinesis for that matter]) to arrest him, right?

Which was what I was referring to back when this point was raised...

But again, whatever. x)

You've misunderstood my logic... that or you're just taking what I said to it's most radical extreme. I understand the need for moderators. There have been aspects of Si Quan's bio here that absolutely needed refining, there were issues with his stats, some chronological issues concerning his age and the rules of the Jedi in this era. That's all fine. My beef was with being told what my characters should be thinking. I found it kind of silly that if I wanted my character to think or feel a certain way I wouldn't be given the benefit of the doubt for knowing how to write my own characters.

But really, this debate has gone on long enough. Arguing like this isn't going to get my bio accepted, and it's wasting your and Kella's time, which, as you've mentioned, is volunteered, and I do appreciate your patience with me considering. I think there may be a way to satisfy both of our needs concerning Jal and Maha respectively.

For Jal, I think we can solve this problem by changing what it is he hunts. Perhaps I could have him be a hunter of rare minerals (such as krayt dragon pearls). While there still may be dangers involved in spelunking, it would be more reasonable for Jal to take Si with him, teach him to appreciate nature, and there'd even still be reason for Jal to wear a pearl around his neck. He wouldn't know how to track, but since the monster scene on Ilum will be removed that probably won't be a big deal. Also there'd be no need for Si to have to use a blaster.

As for the scene with Maha, I want Kade to die in this scene. Originally I had wrote that Si had pinched the barrel of Kade's blaster shut causing it to backfire, but I was informed that at his age Si probably wouldn't have that kind of skill, which I agreed with and then changed it to what it is now. If we can't agree on what Maha should be thinking then perhaps it would be easier to play on Kade's unstable state, and have him turn the blaster on himself and commit suicide upon finding his palace has been surrounded.

Let me know if these solutions sound reasonable to you. I've already gone ahead and made the edits.

Mar 4, 2011 21:36:29 GMT -5 Twysper said:

"Warning, the following section has graphic and potentially disturbing content.

There's your coding, replace the current.

Added that.

Mar 4, 2011 21:36:29 GMT -5 Twysper said:

Jedi focus on their crystals for about a month before putting them in their lightsaber. The point about it taking a month was to say that Si going to Ilum alone would leave him weaponless for at least that long a period of time, which would frankly be stupid if there were giant monsters roaming through the areas frequently traversed by Jedi going to get lightsaber crystals.

Ok, I can amend that then.

Si continued into the crystal caves where he chose a green Ilum crystal for his lightsaber, the color associated with a Jedi Consular. For nearly a month Si remained in the caves, meditating on his crystal and imbuing it with his own unique Force signature.

Mar 4, 2011 21:36:29 GMT -5 Twysper said:

I'm just saying the situation is only made out to be this dramatic because Si didn't have the foresight to bring a back up lightsaber in the event something happened.

And yeah, I also think it's odd no one at the Temple said anything about it (since there are giant beasties on Ilum) before Si took off by himself.

I see your point, I probably should have given some more exposition as to why he didn't bring a lightsaber. Though since I'm going to be cutting out this part with the monster, it's a moot point now.

Mar 4, 2011 21:36:29 GMT -5 Twysper said:

Kella mentioned him going to Ilum with his master because the master usually attends these sorts of things, and because Maha would probably be able to help in such a situation, no?

Si is only eighteen right now, for the record.

Well since I will be removing the bit about the monster and since the Temple will now be occupied by other Jedi, I think I'll have Si still go without Maha. If you think he still should come then let me know.

Mar 4, 2011 21:36:29 GMT -5 Twysper said:

Since you're pushing for context, there it is for you.

You say pretty clearly that he's comfortable with going to Ilum by himself... Because he's familiar with finding his way around barren wastelands of planets... Because he lived on Tatooine when he was five.

Now you'll notice, when I brought this up in my review, I wasn't even referring to the tracking, you went off and assumed that.

I'll go ahead and post it here for you so you can just scroll right down and read it again. =)



All cleared up now? =3

Well those things too were "survival skills" so, yes, I did assume you would be bringing that into question. I will remove that sentence.

Mar 4, 2011 21:36:29 GMT -5 Twysper said:

The symptoms of shock are dizziness, cold sweat, paleness, passing out, etc. All of these would pass within a few minutes of the pain ending, especially if he fell on the ground and his heart wasn't above his legs.

"In compensated shock, the brain reroutes all of the blood in the body to go to your heart, brain, lungs and kidneys. These are your most vital organs, so your body is going to try to preserve what's most important."

So because nothing was really wrong with Alex's body, he'd stop at compensated shock, which would reverse itself pretty quick, if he were even in pain long enough to go into shock at all.

And with no real trauma.... Alex'd be shocked, but he wouldn't go into incapacitating shock.

Dizziness, paleness, maybe for a minute or two, as the body would quickly realize there's been no trauma, and then he'd recover.

Which still leaves you with a badly wounded Si carrying his padawan out of a ship crashing through the atmosphere with a really pissed off but physically unharmed Dark Jedi after him.

You've already mentioned a number of times in the bio that Alex is extremely fast.

Well I'm no doctor, so I won't attempt to argue about what sort of shock Alex would have experienced or how the Force might have played into all of this. Considering all the details here, I was wrong on this one. Though I also think I've come up with a way to fix most, if not all, of the issue's you guys have raised with this scene.

When Alex tries to influence Si Quan's mind, what if Si stabbed Alex instead of himself. This way he does kill Alex, Si also does feel the pain, but it's no where near as severe, and from his experience with Crucitorn he would be able to withstand it, then rescue Ganner and escape since he wasn't actually injured.

Mar 4, 2011 21:36:29 GMT -5 Twysper said:

I do think that's what Kella was getting at, so yep, add that, and quote it plox.

Added a whole new section right before Raxis Prime called "Crucitorn". It sets up the battle that is to come, and I think is a nice addition to the story. I've also edited the Raxis Prime part of the bio to include what I mentioned above, and so it would make sense with what I added.

[Kella]

Eeeeeeeeexcellent. ^^

All those sound great. They achieve the same plot purposes, or get rid of the superfluous ones, and they sound very plausible. Exactly what I was looking for.

'specially like having Si's father hunt crystals. O: Not only does it make everything make sense, but it's something I've never heard before, so big kudos there. xD

To quickly quell a qualm, I wasn't trying to tell you that Jal couldn't be an irresponsible parent, just trying to say that if he -was-, Si's bio would have ended then and there. xD Squished by a Wraid or something. And that would have been no fun. But, I think you've fixed that up tidily, and managed to make your bio more original in the process.

These are two softer bits of feedback, ones you can totally ignore if you want to, but ones I offer one writer to another. X) When Si stabs Alex, decribing the pain that Si himself felt more vividly would really make that section very impactful, and make Si's self-sacrifice just as salient as it was when he stabbed himself. Referring back to his time as a captive when you introduce Crucitorn as a skill of his would also bring things full-circle, because Alex's torturing him is what gave him the strength to later defeat Alex.... >D

Anyway, just me rambling a bit. If I didn't think you were a good writer I wouldn't mention them at all. xD So, moving on.

The gods of logic and Willful Suspension of Disbelief have been pleased! D< So I can now happilly (Finally, yay! ^^) stamp this with my....



Go forth, Si Quan Master of Soresu, and deflect!

[Neology]

Moved to inactive.

[Dutch]

Eeeeexcellent!

Update Approved

Accepted stats;

Equipment:

Lightsaber: Single Blade, Singe Phase.
Color: Green (Ilum Crystal)


Stats:

Strength: Above Average
Intelligence: Above Average
Agility: Above Average
Charisma: Superior

Force Stats:

Telekinetic: Master
Telepathic: Adept
Body: Master
Sense: Adept
Protection: Adept
Healing: Apprentice
Destruction: Unskilled

Lightsaber Training:

Shii-Cho - Master
Soresu - Specialist
Djem So - Expert

Combat Training:

Hand to Hand - Expert

Force Training:
Force Repulse - Master
Crucitorn - Master
Force Valor - Master