Yharaskrik

[kozeph]

Character Name: Yharaskrik (<--click)
Character Source: SWU (pending)
Character Faction/Alignment: Jedi order
Type of Roleplay: General with a bit of mystery as a side dish
Roleplay Requirements: you can use what ever you want, PC's and NPC's are fine by me of any type or alignment
Reason for Request: So as you can see I'm trying to make a little odd ball within the Jedi order, but I'm not sure if I can RP Yhara to the level he should be played.. so before I keep spending time working on him in the profile section I'd like a good old polishing and advice before I go around and finish Yharaskrik application so I can rp him how he deserves. I want to give Yharaskrik that aura that he knows much but tells little...
Notes: let it flow :3
Roleplay:

The boarding plank was soon lowered and a small figured walked out of the small shuttle in the mist covered world. The old Gand looked around the landing platform for any sign of a welcoming party, but there was none... Yharaskrik looked back at the port view of the Shuttle and for a couple of seconds of silence the Gand kept looking until a small beeping noise came from the communicator the little green Gand carried around his belt. The old Seer took the beeping machine and pressed a bottom to accept the incoming signal.

"Something the matter Yharaskrik?" Said the wary voice of the Shuttle pilot a Zabrak the old Gand had hired in a nearby space sport in another backwater planet."Yes... I just feel little in this town... Something is amiss here" Yharaskrik answered soon enough, his voice held little emotion unlike his heart. "Well I'm gonna pull out and return in one day like we agreed, see ya here at the same hour" Even the pilot who was not attuned to the force like the old Gand Seer could feel something was just wrong with this place, this mist covered planet.

The Gand walked away a couple of meters and turned around to see the small spaceship take off, one last sound came from the communicator in the small hard hands of the Jedi Seer "For what is worth, May the Force be with you, Jedi" If the old Gand could smile he probably would have, such a kind pilot that Zabrak was it was rare to honest people this far out from the core of the galaxy. Here in the unknown regions pilot like that was such a rare sight indeed.

For a couple more seconds Yharaskrik watched the curtain of fog ahead of him, this place felt empty and abandoned... it was an oppressive feeling that this world gave, it was not the darkside that ruled this place... no far from that, this place was just heavy and full of... sorrow. The Gand tilted his head, a world that was sad? a great tragedy happened here not too long ago, and the world had suffered from it... the force had suffered from it. Yharaskrik came to this world because of a pull in his dreams, for weeks this region of space called out and the Gand decided to answer it's call... for a second Yharaskrik had to wonder if someone else had heard this place call.

Reaching deep into his robes, the Gand procured a small metal rod, no bigger than half a feet long. Pressing one small red bottom the small rod expanded and it was now long enough to be used as a walking stick for the small Gand. He really didn't need a walking stick to move around, he merely decided to use it as a third leg to avoid any holes in the ground. The old Jedi began making his way through the dense fog that only allowed sight for no more than a couple of meters, slowly enough Yharaskrik made his out the landing platform and after some minutes the Seer found himself in a small town, by a rough estimate this empty town had no more than two or three streets with less than a dozen buildings... all of them as far as Yharaskrik senses could tell, all but one house at the end of the street were empty ... Upon reaching the house the Jedi found no door bell so instead he used the head of his stick to knock the door, he did so thrice and with Patience he waited for someone to answer the door.

[Silas]

{{ As far as content you have a good grasp on English as a language (funny story the first time I heard English was your third language I almost called BS. So, you're good in that aspect :3 ). Anyway, I would like to tell you about one thing that I can see going on here that you might want to consider. A ellipse which is '...' only indicates that something is missing. It doesn't indicate a pause, which seems to be what you're using it for. In many cases people seem to confuse the ellipse with -- <-- (a dash) or a colon, or semi-colon. So, I'd suggest trying to avoid the ellipse, because the way you use it is not quite correct! Anyway, I couldn't see any other glaring problems in your writing grammatically.

As far as content goes I think you did a nice job of building up suspense and setting the mood. You stylized quite well without going too overboard, which many people will tend to do. Be cautious of that because an over stylized piece can be distracting, and confusing in many cases. Anyway, you handled this post well in my mind. Keep up the good work!

As far as it goes, you've definitely set up a mysterious atmosphere as if there's some kind of threat looming just around the corner. We can easily keep that measure of suspense, so my character will be the one survivor of whatever this was which will ultimately be revealed through rp. To keep this style I will play a woman who is about 21 with a young child that isn’t her own that she is forced to provide for since everything has obviously gone wrong. }}

“I—I don’t want to! I—I j-just want to go home. P—please?”

The small voice sent sorrow through her entire body as it blossomed into agony as the small sniffles turned once again to a steady stream of tears. This had become routine yet even now as she walked with his hand in hers it felt as if every tear that fell upon his cheeks were like a hole being torn into her heart. Before yesterday she’d never seen this boy, but everything changed after what had happened the day before. In the few hours they had known each other she felt as though part of her had become attached to the boy and had a sense protection over him. Be this folly or simply a mother’s instinct kicking into play with the sight of a defenseless child, she did not know but in the end it was this child who she led through the town.

Could I have saved him? She asked herself once again as tears began to well at the edges of her own eyes. Memories of her own baby danced through her mind, images of him lying… (correct usage of an ellipse involves breaking off an idea before it is finished but when used too much it can be unappealing) No, she could not think like that anymore. She grabbed the sleeve of her shirt as she brought it up to wipe the unformed tears. If she could not be strong herself, how could she even hope to save the boy that clutched at her arm?

“You can’t go home, not now,” She left the ‘ever’ out of the sentence. For now she allowed him to have some form of hope to cling on to as she continued, “We have to stay together so we can look for your mommy later, okay?”

Sniffle after sniffle he wiped his nose on his shirt as he told her, “O—okay.” That simple word was broken through a cacophony of sniffs and sobs.

Small steps were made for the boy could not keep up with her long stride if she allowed for it, instead she kept pace with him through the dark alley way. Fog twisted its way in front of them as it clung to her like a blanket. Already her auburn hair was soaked by the dense moisture and her grip on the boy’s hand was slick at best. Then, what looked like a speck far in the distance seemed to grow. It was a light that expanded but it wasn’t so much the light that caught her off guard as the sound. That sound! Oh such hideous a sound had never been dreamed in the darkest climes of her imagination. That which had torn asunder the delicacies of slumber to bring her into a world of earth shattering screams and the grotesque picture she now lived in. As it began to get closer, to shake the ground slightly she grabbed the little child’s hand tighter before she whisked him quickly into her arms.

A mop of blond hair met her eyes as she ran quick as her feet could take her for the needed to find somewhere to hide. To escape that which might bring more of the pain she’d felt and break apart the fear which lingered so deeply in her mind. A fear for herself, the child, and most of all what they would do before they killed her arose in her whilst she looked around on the empty street she now found herself in. Back and forth her head turned whilst she desperately looked for somewhere safe to hide.

The first door she came to wouldn’t budge no matter her persistence so she quickly moved down to the last one on the street where the door easily opened upon her beckon. In her arms the child felt the urgency as it welled in the air like the looming breath of a leopard just as one realized it was upon their back. Adrenaline rushed through her ever pulse as she dashed to set down the child as the engines seemed to set down upon the planet. The noise had hit a crescendo as her eyes darted around the room in a desperate haze. Not a second through went through her head as she saw a table flipped over with one of the legs all but blown off. First she went over towards it as her bloodied hands wrapped around the support as she wrenched the few splinters left free from the rest of the table. It was surprisingly hard, but after a little twisting it broke away. With both hands she pushed the table up on its side, and then heaved it over to the corner where the child was to safely conceal him inside.

“Stay here, everything’s going to be alright,” She told him trying to act calm as the world blew up around her. Nervously she went to stand by the door with the makeshift club in her hand as she heard the knocking begin. They hadn’t done that last time, but they might be trying to trick her. They had tried to last time. When it persisted she yelled, “Go away, we don’t want no trouble. Just leave us be and we’ll not hurt no one.” There was a rasp to her voice that told of her sorrow, and she hoped they got the message. In case they didn’t she hefted her bat in preparation to bash the first person who was so foolish as to come through that door. If she knocked a few down in the midst of all this she would feel happy.

[kozeph]

Well thanks haha... and thanks Silas I have now know the purpose of the '...' I always thought that the ellipse was used for pauses and not the dash. So I shall now uses the colons on this text lemme know if I'm using it right.

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Yharaskrik finished knocking the door and waited in ssilencelike he always did. The old Gand seer allowed tendrils of the force through travel across the shut gate, this tendrils sought life and like parasites they attached themselves to the living in the other side of the door.

A child, and a young woman trapped in fear and the desire for survival. While the young and bright light of the child was blurred with insecurity and the wish to find someone dear to him. The stocky insectoid creature tilted his head by instinct like he always did when sensing emotions, some of them had become alien to him but others resonated deeply below the hard shell that covered Yharaskrik.

The Gand keen senses both the physical ones and the ones granted by the force could tell that his knocking on the door had startled the inhabitants of this abandoned village.


“Go away, we don’t want no trouble. Just leave us be and we’ll not hurt no one.”

A voice soon was heard behind the door, the female had spoken and her voice was muffled by the iron fortress and the fog that dominated this tragic world. The Jedi seer remained in silance for a while considering the best approached to this situation.

He could knock again, but this would further startle the girl behind the door. He could call out, but he did not know what the girl was talking about her mind was to startled to make a clear image at the moment.

There was a long pause, in the end Yharaskirk decided for a direct approach. The Gand took a moment to put away his metallic walking stick before his wrist flicked in a small swirling motion. Yharaskirk used the force to move the gears of the door signaling to open and the iron panel slided to a side, revealing a dark interior with only one light.

Yharaskirk raised his arms showing that he was no threat to the residents of the place. He had to play this situation carefully, if done right the girl would not be startle enough to attack. She was a cornered animal and Yharaskirk could be considered the animal handler he had to do this carefully.

"Worry not, this one is no enemy of yours" The little Gand spoke in a broken basic while he stepped inside slowly showing his three hands.

"A traveler I be no danger I bring" The Gand spoke again once he was inside, using the force to make his broken basic more smoothing and less threatening. The large white eye lids kept watching unblinking at the girl...