Private Shalek Joran

[shalekjoran]

Name: Shalek Joran
Species:Human
Age:20
Height:6'2"
Weight:150
Birth place: Duxn
Appearance: Skinny , short hair. scrawny to look at.


Biography: Shalek Joran was the only child of two smugglers hiding from bounty hunters on duxn. he learned at an early age that to live you had to eat , and to eat on duxn you had to fish or hunt. Shalek's insinctive talent with a blaster rifle made him a much more efficient hunter that fisherman. by the age of 16 he was beyond sick of the lonley jungle on duxn and swore that he would not die on that planet. 3 days after Shalek's 20th birthday the long awaited bounty hunters finally caught up with the Joran family and killed both shalek's parents while he was out hunting. Knowing that no matter how much anger he had with his parents murders they were his only ticket of duxn and convinced them that he was merely stranded on this planet and that he needed a transport to corruscant. arriving at corruscant shalek didnt know what to do , so he did the only thing he knew would feed him. became the republic newest private (Sniper Specialist)

Faction: Republic Military,
Department: Army


Physical Strength
--------------------------
5

Intelligence
------------------
5

Speed
-------------
8

Unarmed
-----------------------
4


Melee Weapons
-----------------------
4

Ranged Weapons
-----------------
9

Leadership
----------------
2

Alignment
Evil <-----> Good
-------------------------
5 4 3 2 1 0 1 (2) 3 4 5

[Corstar]

Um.

Well, you could try putting some work into it.

First off, you miss spelled Dxun. That's easy enough to do, even I had to look it up. But...yeah. You have a paragraph of information on your character that's 20 years old. Come on. You can do better than that. You really need to spell check and grammar check your posts also. You have some sentences that don't really run well, or just decide to keep going.

The bounty hunter story is sort of cliche but you pulled something slightly new at the end. First time I've seen one where you fake out the guys who killed your parents. Feasible I guess... but you have to make the rest of your bio up to par if you want it accepted.

This Profile Is: Not Accepted[/b]

[shalekjoran]

Thank you very much for the constructive criticism. I will work on changing the beginning and adding more this evening.