Post by Arc <3 (who is a girl) on Jan 7, 2010 14:37:21 GMT -5
Ello. I'm Arc, and I'll just be taking a quick look at your bio. I know this is still a work in progress, but I might as well point out a few mistakes before you continue. Just keep in mind that I'm not a moderator, so you don't have to listen to me. Some of my advice is sound, though.
The first thing I noticed is your lightsaber stats. Jedi who wield lightsabers with a curved hilt study Makashi. Now, I could allow a slight curve in the hilt, since this has been done before, but not a complete curve. Lightsabers are normally only curved to aide the Jedi in their Makashi style. So unless you plan on adding points to Makashi, I would leave his lightsabers as plain old standard lightsabers.
Also, I don't know if you're aware, but a Jedi does not have to study Niman to be able to Dual-Wield. Niman is an older style that is rarely studied. It is a more formal form of Dual-Wielding. Typically a Jedi either studies Niman OR Dual-Wielding combat, but you can make your character an exception. It's perfectly fine - just thought I'd point it out.
Throughout your bio I noticed that you switched in an out of past tense a few times. The bio should be completely in past tense, since this is your character's "backstory". Here are a few examples of present tense statements throughout the bio:
This should actually be "... she smiled and lay back in the bed, holding him close to her heart."
This should be "besides his parents finding out that he was a very outgoing and loud child."
This should be "and explain about what he did for the government."
Those are really the only mistakes like that I saw, not including a few grammatical errors.
This happens a lot. Most people tend to think that young, force-sensitive children have the ability to push things around and "lift" things off the ground. That is false. Actually, a force-sensitive child only typically has faster reflexes than his peers. Such displays of power aren't common at such an early age. I would suggest changing this. You continue to mention this throughout the beginning of your bio, so you will have to change this as well. I would suggest sharper reflexes that frightened his mother. Perhaps he was able to sense something before it happened due to his reflexes?
Just a warning, I don't know much about the Firrerreo species, so I don't know if force-sensitive children of that species would have a stronger knack for the Force than most children. If this is the case, ignore what I said. If not, change it.
I can't really see a friendship forming between Koeing and the Padawan. This Padawan would have to be at least thirteen years old (probably older, since he already has a real lightsaber), whereas Koeing is three years old at this time. Just thought I'd point this out in case it became important later on in your bio.
This is just a quick over-view. I'm sure I'll have plenty more to add later on. Please don't think me overly critical! Thanks!
Arc
The first thing I noticed is your lightsaber stats. Jedi who wield lightsabers with a curved hilt study Makashi. Now, I could allow a slight curve in the hilt, since this has been done before, but not a complete curve. Lightsabers are normally only curved to aide the Jedi in their Makashi style. So unless you plan on adding points to Makashi, I would leave his lightsabers as plain old standard lightsabers.
Also, I don't know if you're aware, but a Jedi does not have to study Niman to be able to Dual-Wield. Niman is an older style that is rarely studied. It is a more formal form of Dual-Wielding. Typically a Jedi either studies Niman OR Dual-Wielding combat, but you can make your character an exception. It's perfectly fine - just thought I'd point it out.
Throughout your bio I noticed that you switched in an out of past tense a few times. The bio should be completely in past tense, since this is your character's "backstory". Here are a few examples of present tense statements throughout the bio:
... she smiles and lays back in the bed holding him close to her heart.
This should actually be "... she smiled and lay back in the bed, holding him close to her heart."
... besides his parents finding out that he's a very outgoing and loud child.
This should be "besides his parents finding out that he was a very outgoing and loud child."
... and explain about what he does for the government.
This should be "and explain about what he did for the government."
Those are really the only mistakes like that I saw, not including a few grammatical errors.
The figure he wanted so much to stand up rose off the ground into a standing position, clapping Koeing laughed and continued playing.
This happens a lot. Most people tend to think that young, force-sensitive children have the ability to push things around and "lift" things off the ground. That is false. Actually, a force-sensitive child only typically has faster reflexes than his peers. Such displays of power aren't common at such an early age. I would suggest changing this. You continue to mention this throughout the beginning of your bio, so you will have to change this as well. I would suggest sharper reflexes that frightened his mother. Perhaps he was able to sense something before it happened due to his reflexes?
Just a warning, I don't know much about the Firrerreo species, so I don't know if force-sensitive children of that species would have a stronger knack for the Force than most children. If this is the case, ignore what I said. If not, change it.
Koeing became friends with the padawan, the two would enjoy eachothers company quite a lot, usually getting into mischief with either Elminister or Koeings parents.
I can't really see a friendship forming between Koeing and the Padawan. This Padawan would have to be at least thirteen years old (probably older, since he already has a real lightsaber), whereas Koeing is three years old at this time. Just thought I'd point this out in case it became important later on in your bio.
This is just a quick over-view. I'm sure I'll have plenty more to add later on. Please don't think me overly critical! Thanks!
Arc
