Joris Osyla

[catadmiralhousten]

Faction: Republic
Department: Navy
Rank: Captain
Name: Joris Onasi
Race: Human
Age: 42 standard years old
Height: 6 feet, 4 inches
Weight: 196 pounds
Birthplace: Telos IV
Appearance:He has some brownish facial hair which encircles his mouth and bottom part of mouth, and brownish-black hair. Commonly seen with his brown jacket. His brown jacket has two pockets on each side, with buttons hanging off the side, it was passed down for generations, and now has been entrusted to him.
Personality: He is gruff, yet gentle, an excellent field commander, yet gets on his higher officers toes when he dosen`t follow orders the way he should. He has literally no sense of humor. He believes that in the military, one should not laugh and joke while a war is going on. Although his crew trusts him, they hate his personality, little do they know, he does not serve the Republic for honor, but for revenge. Now that the true Sith Empire has returned, he wants revenge for the bombing of Telos IV three-hundred years ago, knowing the suffering his people went through, although this isn`t the right Sith empire, it`ll have to do.
Attributes: Physical strength:6, Intelligence: 6, Speed:4, Leadership:7, Unarmed:2, Melee: 4, Ranged: 6
Bio: A child
Born to Talia And Ros Osyla, he started reading holobooks at a young age, by 4, he was hooked on them. Seeing a growing intelligence in their son, his parents moved him to the Prestige school of Anaxes. Many made fun of him because of how young and small he was compared to the others, this shaped his life, wanting to prove to the other kids that he was still capable, he enlisted into the Republic Naval Academy on Anaxes. The other kids were shocked, they had heard about the bad rumors of the academy.
The Academy
While at the academy, he learned that the strategist instructor was a no-nonsense tactical genius, and Joris, with little sense of humor, became the Strategist `s favorite student, he gave him extra classes, better reputations to the officers, and helped him study naval tactics. Joris considered him a better parent than his ever were, sending him away at the age of 5. By the time he was 16 he became an Ensign in the Republic Navy, bidding the Academy good bye.
Onboard as a Officer
He was put on the Thranta class corvette, the Racer, were he was initially disliked by the crew, answering all the questions and strategies before the others could, and hogging most of the left-overs from the meals. When he began to prove himself in the field of strategy, he quickly became the captains favorite by seeming to know all the capabilities of this ship. Little did he know, that an attack was incoming, and he would shine like a star real soon.
Shining Moment
During an ambush near Bakura, enemy boarding pods crashed into the command center, releasing boarders, the Captain, went to fight the boarders, when the captain was killed by a stray blaster shot from boarders, Joris, releasing the others were busy, assumed command, and in a stroke of genius ordered the escape pods to jettison and ram into more incoming boarding craft, repelling more boarders, the boarders, outnumbered without reinforcements, surrendered. The Racer returned to Coruscant for repairs.
Captain and now
While on Couruscant, he was promoted to Captain and given a brown jacket, dating back to his grandfather`s time in the Republic Army, he wore it with pride, and choose a ship of the legendary Hammerhead class as his ship. To his surprise it was named The Telos IV, after his homeworld. It was made a critical component of the Republic`s 6th fleet, patrolling near the Foerost shipyards.
RP Sample: ``Commence attack!`` he yelled, at the moment the Telos Iv`s heavy turbolasers fired on the Sith Frigate. `Ill tell command about what`s happened to Illum!`` and stormed off toward the comms room. Deep in his mind, it seemed to him that the surprise attack was a success, using only his Hammerhead and two Forray blockade runners, he had taken them by surprise. The only question was, when was backup going to arrive!? If those flaming Jedi were so powerful, why hadn`t they ``sensed`` this attack!? Now, he and two blockade runners were supposed to hold off and invasion force, even though they had taken them by surprise, they couldn`t get to that battlecruiser! As soon as he turned on the comm system, he heard screaming from his squadron, he was sad by their loss, but knew, duty calls. When he tried to alert the Republic about Illum, the comm tower was destroyed, wiping out all contact.
It had been two hours into the engagement, tired Joris stayed awake, the Sith must be up to something, they destroyed their ships but, how could th- ``The battlecruiser!`` Joris yelled, it had slipped away and was likely going to get reinforcements. ``What do do!`` he pondered on and on, until the sensors started beeping.
``Get us outta here!`` he screamed over the turret fire incoming at the Telos IV`s shields. Then, they emerged into hyperspace, heading to Tython to report to the Jedi Council about Illum, and how they could`ve saved it.
P.S: Just picture him as the Carth Onasi version in Timeline 9 Mandalorian wars on the old republic site.

[darkrei9n]

Hey, my name is darkreign. I'll be doing a review for you. This is my first review so bear with me. I've marked my comments in pink.

Aug 30, 2011 19:55:00 GMT -5 catadmiralhousten said:

The first thing that comes to mind upon looking on this is formatting. Try putting spaces between things and make sure to use paragraphs. It looks neat and it appears as if more effort has been put into it.

Faction: Republic

Department: Navy(Captain of the Voyager)

Rank: Captain

Name: Joris Onasi

Race: Human(Telosian)

Age: 42 standard years old

Height: 6 feet, 4 inches

Weight: 156 pounds

Birthplace: Telos IV

Appearance: Resembling a slightly aged Carth Onasi, he has some facial hair, and brownish-black hair. Commonly seen with his brown jacket. Here you should describe him, how does he come across? Does he come across as a experienced person, or perhaps a cruel person. Listing a set of features on his face doesn't give us a appearance. How someone comes across effects what he looks like a lot more in the mind then the color of his hair or even if he has facial hair. Don't just list the features on his face.

Personality: He is gruff, yet gentle, an excellent field commander, yet gets on his higher officers toes when he blurts out at war meetings. Still not wanting to give up his Frigate, although, its almost 400 years old, he trusts it and all its crew members, and would be emotionly scarred if betrayed. Detail detail detail! What is his sense of humor like? Personality is more then just an attitude towards people. Its what effects his decisions and actions. Describe his inner thoughts, he could be the meanest person alive to those he meets, but on the inside he could be the softest person in the universe. We want to know how he acts as a field commander, how he can be gruff but gentle. We want to know why he blurts out at war meetings.

Attributes:
Physical strength:3,
Intelligence: 6,
Speed:4,
Leadership:9,
Unarmed:2,
Melee: 4,
Ranged: 5

These stats look find for me, however I would recommend lowering leadership down by one or two points. If someone was that great of a leader at the age of forty two they would be more then a captain, they would be inspiring millions under their command. They would be akin to Revan, who turned the Mandalorian War around.

Bio: Born into the legendary Onasi family Remove all references to Onasi. All characters need to be original here., and great grandson of Carth Onasi, Same issue as before.] he always was inspired by the Republic and its history, Why was he inspired? Was he inspired by the thought of the act of hundreds of species working together? Maybe he was inspired by the fact the thought of the Senate, where every planet has a say in how government should act. but never really liked Jedi, not trusting their tactics and believed that the Mandalorian wars could've not ended so brutally. I highly doubt an act that was nearly 300 years ago would effect his decision. The United States does not resent British Rule back when they were still colonies 300 years ago. At age 18, There is nearly a 18 year gap here, what happens? I doubt he was suddenly born and eighteen. He likely went to school, maybe his parents took him around the world. Maybe his parents were horrible people who beat him everyday, what shaped who he was today between his birth and when he enlisted. Perhaps he found love and was rejected, maybe he had a life altering experience. he enlisted into the Republic Navy, his officers,What happened to show the officers this? I doubt that all of a sudden his leaders knew he was a great leader. He would have taken aptitude tests, maybe he was offered command during a training exercise where he went above and beyond what was expected of him. saw he had exceptional leadership and was good with an Arkanian Blaster Rifle, or his Great Grandfathers blaster pistol. At age 35, he was promoted to Captain when the Sith Empire Once again a odd gap in his life. What happened in these years. Its impossible for absolutely nothing to happen. Maybe he led a task force in a system to get rid of pirates. Maybe he nearly died at one point. We want to know what made up who he is today here. Details details details. attacked, however, he didn`t get a ship until five years later, until then, he had a lazy job on Coruscant, until the Sacking of Coruscant, Please read up on the timeline. We have gone a vastly different way from SWTOR. which he barely escaped. He found an abandoned Preatorian Please look at our technology section, no such ship exists that I can find. If you want a ship you can create one there or use one of the ships already there that are stock. Frigate in Deep Space and took it as his own, naming it the Voyager, outfitting it at Empress Teta,Where did he get the money for this? Did he sell spice in his spare time or something? Outfitting even a frigate isn't going to be cheap. it is now a heavy frigate and command ship.
RP Sample: ``Commence attack!`` he yelled, at the moment the Voyager`s heavy turbolasers fired on the Sith Frigate. Details mate, the tone of Joris's voice can make so much difference. Is he surprised at the appearance of the Sith Frigate or perhaps maybe hes scared. `Ill tell command about what`s happened to Illum!`` and stormed off toward the comms room. Why are the sith ships are Illum? How did they even find Illum. Illum isn't on the star charts. We also need more, we don't see anything on how Joris acts. We just know that he ordered an attack. Was he retaliating? Was it a surprise attack? What is he thinking at this time?
P.S: Just picture him as the Carth Onasi version in Timeline 9 Mandalorian wars on the old republic site.

[dcmurph]

I'm gonna add my two cents here and just say that this still needs a lot of work.

First, the format still sucks, fix it. Look at almost every other app and every other approved app and copy that formatting!

Second, his physical strength is too weak, he'd be on crutches with a 3. Make it six at least which is about average for human males. The rest of his stats are pretty good, though you could probably add 1 to his ranged skills.

Third, his bio and rp sample need to be longer and more in depth. We want to see lots of detail, did he meet friends as a kid? What was his relationship with his parents and how did it change over the years, why did he decide to join the navy, give lots of detail about his early years when he was just a cadet doing menial tasks and how he rose to be a leader.

For the rp sample, you need more, lots more. At least five long paragraphs if you wanna make it a good one.

The higher rank the more detail you want.

swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=milaccept&action=display&thread=14345&page=1

Copy and paste that link, it's to my Navy Admiral character, if you want a high leadership position, then this will help you.

[sparrow]

Aug 31, 2011 16:23:46 GMT -5 dcmurph said:

Second, his physical strength is too weak, he'd be on crutches with a 3. Make it six at least which is about average for human males.

No it's not. That's 5. 3 is fine for someone who never exercises.

[catadmiralhousten]

Final formatting(hopefully) done.

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

Hi, I'm the crotchety bastard who is dropping you a review. My comments are in pretty colors. Except for these first ones.

Biggest thing I see right off the bat is incorrect format. Your app is not in an appropriate form, copy and paste the template provided, then use it. You also have weird space breaks in need of fixing.

Aug 30, 2011 19:55:00 GMT -5 catadmiralhousten said:

Faction: Republic
Department: Navy(Captain of the Telos IV)You say he's a Captain in the next line, he hasn't been promoted to the Fuhrer of the Department of Redundancy Department. 'Navy' only please.
Rank: Captain
Name: Joris Onasi
Race: Human(Telosian)We don't need to know what planet he's from. Just his species.
Age: 42 standard years old
Height: 6 feet, 4 inches Not a problem, but keep in mind this is Conan O'Brien tall.
Weight: 156 pounds He's about ten pounds underweight. Minimum. You should probably add twenty to this.
Birthplace: Telos IV
Appearance: Resembling a slightly aged Carth Onasi Don't compare him to a character that already exists in canon. When I have a Togruta I don't say she looks like Shaak Ti. Just describe him on your own, independent of other characters., he has some facial hair How much and what kind?, and brownish-black hair. Commonly seen with his brown jacket This isn't a sentence. And describe his jacket better anyway. What material? Does it have pockets? Is it a uniform item?. He is an experienced person, yet does not like losing a battle, knowing hes failed the RepublicThis is personality, not appearance..
Personality: He is gruff, yet gentle, an excellent field commander, yet gets on his higher officers toes when he blurts out at war meetings Last time I checked, military officers don't simply blurt anything out at important meetings. Also, the sentence needs a little fixing I think. It doesn't flow well.. Still not wanting to give up his Frigate, although, its almost 400 years old, he trusts it and all its crew members, and would be emotionly emotionally scarred if betrayed. His sense of humor is literally noneThat doesn't work as a sentence. Might be easier to say 'He has literally no sense of humor.'. He believes that in the military, one should not laugh and joke while a war is going on. Although his crew trusts him, they hate his personality, little do they know, he does not serve the Republic for honor, but for revenge. Now that the true Sith Empire has returned, he wants revenge for the bombing of Telos IV three-hundred years ago I don't see how he can have any desire for revenge when he wasn't even alive at the time, and when the Sith Empire now has nothing at all to do with the Sith Empire of Revan and Malak..
Attributes: Physical strength:6, Intelligence: 6, Speed:4, Leadership:7, Unarmed:2, Melee: 4, Ranged: 6
Bio: A child
Born to Talia And Ros Osyla, he started reading holobooks at a young age, by 4, he was hooked on them. Seeing a growing intelligence in their son, his parents moved him to the Prestige school of Anaxes. Many made fun of him because of how young and small he was compared to the others, this shaped his life, wanting to prove to the other kids that he was still capable, he enlisted into the Republic Naval Academy on AnaxesRun-on sentence. Also, you seem to jump from early childhood straight on to the military academy. What happened in between? Friends? Girlfriends? . The other kids were shocked, they had heard about the bad rumors of the academy.
The Academy
While at the academy, he learned that the teacher was a no-nonsense tactical geniusThis is also a run-on sentence. And at a military Academy he will have dozens of instructors over the probably four years he'll spend there., and Joris, with little sense of humor, became the Teacher`s favorite student, he gave him extra classes, better reputations to the officers, and helped him study naval tactics. Joris considered him a better parent than his ever were, sending him away at the age of 5. By the time he was 18That would imply he entered the military academy at 14. Which is a no. He'd enter when he was done with his schooling., he became a Private in the Republic Navy 1. Private is an Army rank 2. Its an enlisted rank 3. He just finished being a midshipman at the naval academy, which would make him an Ensign, bidding the Academy good bye.
Onboard as a private
He was put on the Thranta class corvette, the Racer, were he was initially disliked by the crew, answering all the questions and strategies before the others could. There'd have to be other reasons for him being disliked, maybe he's a dick or something. Draws on people's faces when they're asleep or something? Get creative here.Rising in rank to an OfficerAs I already stated, he would graduate the academy as an officer. Otherwise he would need to have undergone OCS., he quickly became the captains favoriteWhy? How?, until the attack.
Shining Moment
During an ambush near Bakura, the captain was killed by a stray blaster shot from boardersNot likely boarders would get into a firefight on the bridge. Also not likely everyone above him in the chain of command would be killed. You haven't mentioned him ever being promoted, so as far as I can tell he's still a junior officer. You need to correct this by putting some meat on these bones. Ages. Times. Etc., he assumed command, and in a stroke of genius ordered the escape pods to jettison and ram into the boarding craft, repelling the boardersSo these boarders decided to park their spaceships directly over the escape pods? Seems like a pretty dumb thing to do. And even if they did do that, how does this in any way solve the problem? There would still be armed enemies onboard and the chain of command apparently wiped out., and returning to Coruscant for repairs.
Captain and now
While on CouruscantCoruscant, he was promoted to Captain and given a brown jacket, dating back to his grandfather`s time in the Republic Army, he wore it with pride, and choose the legendary Hammerhead class cruiser as his flagshipFlagships are for flag officers. He is not one.. Naming it The Telos IV, he barely upgraded it He would not have the authority to rename a warship or to refuse fleetwide upgrades. The condition of his ship is dictated by the admiralty, not his caprice.. It was made as the flagship of the Republic`s pirate defense fleet Not likely that they'd place a fresh Captain in command of an entire fleet in the first place. I also doubt there is an anti-pirate fleet, that's the sort of thing regular sector fleets would be doing.. With Joris in-command. The fleet, and Joris, is now patrolling for pirate activity near Tatooine.That's outside of Republic space.
RP Sample: Contact one of our RP mentors about this. You could use a little guidance. They'll be glad to help you, and unlike me, they don't bite.``Commence attack!`` he yelled, at the moment the Telos Iv`s heavy turbolasers fired on the Sith Frigate. `Ill tell command about what`s happened to Illum!`` and stormed off toward the comms room. Deep in his mind, it seemed to him that the surprise attack was a success, using only his Hammerhead and two Forray blockade runners, he had taken them by surprise. The only question was, when was backup going to arrive!? If those flaming Jedi were so powerful, why hadn`t they ``sensed`` this attack!? Now, he and two blockade runners were supposed to hold off and invasion force, even though they had taken them by surprise, they couldn`t get to that battlecruiser! As soon as he turned on the comm system, he heard screaming from his squadron, he was sad by their loss, but knew, duty calls. When he tried to alert the Republic about Illum, the comm tower was destroyed, wiping out all contact.
It had been two hours into the engagement, tired Joris stayed awake, the Sith must be up to something, they destroyed their ships but, how could th- ``The battlecruiser!`` Joris yelled, it had slipped away and was likely going to get reinforcements. ``What do do!`` he pondered on and on, until the sensors started beeping.
``Get us outta here!`` he screamed over the turret fire incoming at the Telos IV`s shields. Then, they emerged into hyperspace, heading to Tython to report to the Jedi Council about Illum, and how they could`ve saved it.
P.S: Just picture him as the Carth Onasi version in Timeline 9 Mandalorian wars on the old republic site.

So, I feel like I'm looking at a skeleton here with barely anything on it. Add some muscles, internal organs, skin, clothing, and a funny hat.

[Rugs]

Moved to inactive pending