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last online Sept 26, 2011 20:13:39 GMT -5
Force Sensitive
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Aug 22, 2011 19:29:13 GMT -5
Post by Eludajae Marr on Aug 22, 2011 19:29:13 GMT -5
Name: Eludajae Maegera Marr [Pronunciation: ell-OODE-ah-JAY - meh-JAIR-uh - mar] Race: Kiffar Age: 27 Years Height: 5'7" Weight: 124 lbs Appearance: Eludajae Marr has red, waved, shoulder-length hair and icy-blue eyes. Her skin-tone is a tan color, and Eludajae has maroon tattoos on her chest and stomach. Eludajae Marr is always wearing dark or black clothes. Although she does like to "dress-up" for especially special occasions, she usually just wears her battle clothes: Her black brasire with black bottoms, her mechanical boots that are attuned to her mechanical lower legs and black stockings over her upper legs. Black sleeves are also included in her outfit, as well as black leather gloves, black metal Spaulders, and a hooded cape.
Eludajae Marr has been called attractive by others, quite often actually, but she doesn't care about that. Eludajae is tall enough, a height of 5'7", but is short compared to some others. Eludajae has a lithe body, and isn't underweight, but is on the fine line between underweight and healthy weight. Personality: Eludajae Marr is a very rude and ignorant person towards others. She's not completely evil, but is fully consumed by dark force. Eludajae will almost always willingly kill a being that is interrupting the war or helping the Jedi. Eludajae enjoys solitude, and is a very reclusive person; not very easy to get out in public. She enjoys silence and darkness, but is never afraid to leave her solitary state: especially when killing is involved. That being said, Eludajae Marr is a war-machine. When it comes dow to it, she can be strong, stretegic, and swift. But although she is an advantage and a weapon, Eludajae is not one to boss around. She responds to only those whom she knows are of high enough ranking.
Eludajae Marr is not friendly at all. In fact, being unnaturally hostile is like a second nature to her. But, when it is needed, Eludajae will speak and act in respect. As well as being naturally rude, she is also immensely bossy, and has no problem with getting other to do what she wants, whether or not she is friendly towards them or not. Birth place: Eludajae was born somwhere on the planet Kiffu, but grew up on Dantooine in their built home in Khoonda plains with her Father. Faction: Sith order Rank: Initiate Previous Faction: Dark Jedi Previous Rank: Knight; Assassin Bio:To completely understand Eludajae's history, introductions to her
parents must be made. Her father, Edimar Srin Marr, was a Kiffar Dark Jedi. He was dangerous and always irritated, but well hidden from the Jedi that might want to harm or kill him. On his homeplanet of Kiffar, he wasn't very well known to others, but would reveal himself to those whom he know would be killed within just an hour. Eludajae's mother was a kiffar beauty whom went by the name of Alis Kero Main. Alis grew up a peasant, unlike Edimar, and had worked for money for her family for as long as she can remember.
Edimar had made his wealth from stealth. He collected illegal taxes from the commoners and robbed the visitors of their money as well. He had been doing this since he had been created a knight eleven years before, and the money just stacked up. The illegal taxes were something he had decided to do on his own, and had surprisingly worked. To do this, he acted as a jedi, sometimes not very convincingly, sent out to collect taxes to be used by the Jedi council to pay the citizens who mined for needed ores and crystals. Most agreed, but some, unfortunately, saw past his scheme and were killed and robbed.
Alis and Edimar met while Edimar was on a hidden patrol, making sure all the citizens were in order. Alis was selling fabric at a kiosk. Edimar walked past at first, but went back to get at good look at Alis. To him, she was beautiful. Being as wealthy as he was, he invited her to supper and told her she could bring her family along. His cook prepared the best gourmet food he could for them, and they feasted. Alis had soon seen something inside of Edimar that she found attractive, and stayed behind with him whilst her family went back to their small home. Alis and Edimar were together for three years. They never were married, but neither of them minded. Alis beared Edimar his child just after her first year with him, and that was when she realized staying behind with Edimar had been a mistake. Alis committed suicide after their child had turned two years old due to the overwhelming dark force and knowledge that she was surrounded by. Edimar was surprised of course, knowing the fortunes he held could seduce almost anyone, but it didn't truly bother him. With his child, he could train her to be a Dark Jedi like him. Edimar had always been well hidden, and he had known making himself known to a peasant like her was a bad idea in the first place. He was just lucky she hadn't told anyone.
Of course, the only part of Eludajae's childhood that was spent on Kiffu were the first two years of her life. Her father was caring enough to take her and his belongings to another planet, Dantooine, for her to grow up on. It was unusually kind of him to do it, espicially since there was a Jedi enclave here, but he needed a calm place for her to grow up in and train. The planet was unusually peaceful and nobody bothered them ever, so they could train everyday, underground, without anyone taking any notice of it.
-- CHILDHOOD --
Eludajae was born with dark force pulsing through her body. Ever since she was old enough the wield a lightsaber, she knew what her duty would be: To become an assassin and work against the Jedi force. Everyday she trained with her father from the age of five. When she had grown to the age of fifteen, she was already as experienced as a padawan could be. But, of course, she had to wait to become a knight like everyone else.
During her teenage years, Eludajae Marr never had any friends or
anyone to rely on besides her father. Every single day for her was
something to look forward to: Her father would come and bring her
expensive pastries if she managed to out-fight him. She did less than half of the time, when strength wasn't the only thing that had to be relied on. Eludajae enjoyed the time she had with her father, even though it was not the normal father-daughter relationship. Edimar was more concerned with her training and well-being than anything else. It was needed to create a good knight of her.
When she was sixteen, her father went out but never came back from patrols. This made her worried. There were only two reasons her father would be late home: either he had found trouble and had to deal with it, or he had been found by some Jedi. Of course, she went out looking. Her hood over her face to make sure that her being Edimar's daughter wasn't given away, and after a week of searching eventually found his body dead in the plains, surrounded by creatures that were eating away at his flesh and bones. She killed off the creatures, taking wounds while doing it, and retrieved what money he always hid in his cape, as well as his lightsaber. She put them inside her bag, and returned home. training was up to her now, she knew, and there would be no rewards unless she got them herself.
Eludajae continued her training on her own, practicing stealth on the dummies her father owned, and practiced stealth and speed with stealing money from the scattered homes that were around. She kept the fortunes, and sold the things she thought she could make even a small fortune out of to the citizens who had been robbed. It was a good plan in her mind: selling the stolen items to the ones that had been robbed of them.
-- ADULTHOOD --
At the age of nineteen, she pleaded to the Jedi Council to be made a knight, even though she was consumed by dark force. Her plea had been declined, obviously, and this had enraged her. The declinement had not been taken lightly by her, and she went off on a killing spree to prove her worthiness. She had killed Jedis she came across around the planet of Dantooine, after buying herself a Ship and a Tank and using them both to her raging bidding. Of course, losing precious Jedis was not something they needed, though. Although she had done this, she had been made a Knight when she became of age. This, she used to her advantage. She had access to the Jedi Enclave and could take anything she wanted as long as she made sure she wasn't caught. Of course, the plan backfired. One of the council had sensed the dark force within her, and convinced the council to banish her from Dantooine. She agreed to their commands, and left the planet. But only after, of course, taking what money she could of her father's.
As soon as she had become a Dark Jedi assassin and part of the Sith as an initiate, she had been sent on a mission by another of higher position to kill off a party of invaders. She immediately took the mission, and went off the find them. They were not much younger than she was, all two years away from becoming knights, but she didn't fight against killing them all. Of course, she had taken some good wounds from them. A wound in her legs had been infected and Eludajae had to have them amputated or else she would face death, even with the money to provide the care needed to avoid it. But, with her father's wealth she had inherited, she did purchase mechanical legs to replace them. Her nerves reacted with the legs immediately, and she was able to move around and use her legs like normal. Lightsaber: Saberstaff: Slim, black, 60 centimeter hilt. Double-bladed but can be used as a single blade. Single Blade, Single Phased: 25 centimeter silver hilt. Red. [Not Used] Color: Red Practiced Lightsaber Forms:Shii-Cho - 5 Makashi - Soresu - Ataru - Shien / Djem So - >>Sub-form Backhanded - Niman - 2 >>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield - Juyo - Double Bladed Combat - 4 Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:Telekinetic: 5 Telepathic: 5 Body: 4 Sense: 3 Protection: 4 Healing: 3 Destruction: 6 Specialized Skills: Force Storm (lightning) Attributes: Physical Strength: 4 Intelligence: 5 Speed: 6 Leadership: 4 Unarmed: 3 Melee Weapons: 4 Ranged Weapons: 4 Force Attunement: -6 RP Sample:Eludajae woke up with a jolt. The ship did that every time it exited hyperspace. She knew it couldn't be good, and she questioned the droid once again but his reply was that it was perfectly safe.
"Safe.... yeah safe for someone about to be spread across the next billion kilometers from exiting hyperspace wrong..." muttered Eludajae to herself as she looked around taking manual control of the ship. She saw Dantooine. She had grown up here with her father since she was two years old. From the distance it looked like a thoroughly green planet. She was 'safe' and there was no need to be on guard. She messaged down to find a landing place and a reply was sent. As she piloted down she cursed herself as it was on the night side of the planet. She decided it would be best to find a place to rest first before going on her search. When she docked she was met by a half sleeping Rodian. He said something about a docking fee, and Eludajae paid it without question.
"Is there any place were I can find a place to stay?" asked Eludajae of the Rodian and he looked at her with his wide open bug eyes for a moment and then laughed a bit.
"Well you could head to Tarngel's he has a few rooms but he'll charge you an arm and a leg," said the Rodian looking at her ship. He looked from the ship back to her saying nothing more.
"Surely you could suggest a better place? Perhaps even your own just for the night?" Asked Eludajae as she very subtly waved her hand across her belt line. The Rodian seemed hesitant for a moment and Rin couldn't tell because it was dark, much to dark to see beyond a few feet for her.
"I could suggest a better place then.... maybe you could just stay at my place," echoed the Rodian after a moment and then he scratched the back of his head. "I don't usually do this for spacers but with your ship damaged the way it is it looks like you really need a place to stay. I get off shift in a 10 minutes so if you can wait a few more minutes we can head out. Just got to watch out for Kath hounds, sometimes they hunt at night..."
"Thank you very much good sir," said Eludajae in reply. She walked over to her ship to secure the droid. After that was done she returned to find the Rodian waiting for her. "Lead the way."
Their travel through the dark seemed to take forever to Eludajae but she suspected that was because she couldn't see much. The Rodian seemed to guide them well enough and she paid extra attention to how the Rodian moved to get clues on what was coming up. She wasn't blind but she didn't want to appear to be a bumbling idiot at night. She closed her eyes for a moment calming down all the ruckus of thoughts in her head so she could focus on moving over the land. It wasn't long before they came to a building and the Rodian typed a key upon a keypad before entering a building after letting her go through first of course. The night went by mostly uneventful save for the Rodian was nice enough to offer her dinner before allowing her to sleep in the spare bedroom his home had. It was for when he had family visitors and that wasn't often. The man's name was Jarva.
In the morning Eludajae thanked Jarva for the night and asked directions to the old Marr residence. She spent the morning walking through the vast fields of Dantooine before she found the large, ruined home. The place had trash every here and there and the plant life seemed to be reclaiming it. She headed there anyways hoping that what she was looking for was somewhere in it. She activated her lightsaber upon coming to the entrance which was riddled with vines which she knew she wouldn't be able to walk through without getting all tangled in it's maw. Cutting through all the plants she finally made her way into a four way hall with an open skylight. The place used to be an indoor garden for it had some plants she didn't see outside on her way here. The exits were caved in save for one direction.
"I guess that settles where to go for now..." said Eludajae as she continued to explore the house. She eventually came to what looked like a terminal. She headed over to the room and tried to power it on fully expecting it not to function. To her surprise it kicked back on. The display would fail every two seconds and then fix itself but it functioned enough to maneuver through the menus. Eludajae found nothing of interest, and shut everything down. Eludajae followed the twists and turns of the halls through the ruined home until finally she came to the stairs that lead to the basement rooms and took them down.
"Now the third door on the left was the library.... lets see... 1.... 2...." said Eludajae to herself as she traveled down the hallway. She finally came to the door that was half open and approached it slowly. She sensed life on the other side, and as she came around the side of the door she saw black creatures with blood red eyes. Lagariks. She had heard of them and they were dangerous with fire breath. They charged her before she had a chance to try and fool them into thinking she wasn't here thus making her invisible.
"Damn it, they just had to make a nest here...." said Eludajae drawing her lightsaber to bear and slashing at the first one to reach her. She focused on herself, allowing the force to flow through her, and give her the valor she needed in this fight. She could feel the gentle push of the force telling her small little things, the nudges telling her to move now, press forward, jump over her enemy. She realized only after the calm had passed that she had already killed the three so easily. She felt no pity for the Lagariks for she had no choice, their minds were closed in a blood lust for food. She knew their thoughts must have been to kill her for the food of their children. Sighing, Eludajae strapped her lightsaber back to her belt and began to explore the library. Many things were missing from the library and she tried to access a vault. She wasn't a good hacker so she decided to force her way in. As her father would put it. 'Your lightsaber is much better slicing tool then any other slicer. How many tools can make you a way through a door and slice off your enemies head?'
Cutting the vault open she examined the inside expecting the usual Jedi crystals, and holocrons but instead she only saw one thing on the floor. It sparkled in the light. She reached down to pick it up and brought it up into the light. It was a half broken crystal. Looking around she saw that were was an entire wall blown through the side and no doubt someone had already looted this place. She sighed and walked out.
"Well that was a waste, I guess I'll check to see if the archive has anything useful left." said Eludajae, setting off to work on looking through them. It was a good thing too for she came across a file that told her about the crystal caves of Dantooine. As luck would have it there wasn't one too far away from the enclave. There was only one problem, caves were always as dark as night....
"I think I'd rather see that bald wookiee right about now..." complained Eludajae before setting off out of the house. Eludajae finally stopped in front of the cave entrance. No doubt some other things had made their home in here. "Well here goes nothing...."
Eludajae began to walk in and she began to loose sight slowly. Being Kiffan had it's perks, but their eye sight was about the same as a human's. Eludajae relied upon the force to guide her through the cave when she couldn't see anything at all and she could feel life ahead of her. Eludajae reached out with the force to smear her presence in their minds as she slowly sneaked past them. It worked for the most part and there was a slight glow in the distance. She made her way there and came to a large room filled with crystals. Rejoicing, she set out to work collecting up the crystals and avoiding the rather large eggs in the room. It was rather slow for she had to continually check to see if any kinrath were about with the force. She obtained a large bag and put all her crystals inside, then began to make her way out. She stumbled a few times out and bumped into a kinrath. She didn't bother to move slow anymore and booked straight for the exit. She made it out and continued to move with the aid of the force to make a hasty retreat. It wasn't until she saw her landing pad well within sight did she slow down. Her droid was doing donuts near the pod for some reason. She scowled, not knowing how he had gotten out. She had forgotten about him, though Eludajae was sure the droid was having a pleasant time without her. As she approached the droid stopped and headed for the ship as if waiting at the door like the dog.
"Lets go, I don't want to stay here for the night to come." said Eludajae as they made their way into space and headed back to Ziost. Her home was inhabitable now. Hoping to find her father was not her best idea. She already knew he had been taken and killed, but for some reason she couldn't hold onto the thought.
Her pod was completely ruined. So, spotting a brand new one nearby, she whistled to the droid and ran to it. Turning it on, she quickly pulled it off the ground and flew off into hyperspace.
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Cadyren
A guy with a blue name
319 posts
0 likes
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last online May 19, 2015 3:38:20 GMT -5
Knight
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Aug 22, 2011 20:10:41 GMT -5
Post by Cadyren on Aug 22, 2011 20:10:41 GMT -5
Hey I'm Cadyren, I'll be your reviewer today  . Looking at the app so far I'm going to suggest you look at characters around the same age as yours so that you can get a good idea as to what sort of stats are acceptable. Now onto the review :3 ------------------- AppearanceYou did a good job here, I ca't think of anything that you are missing. PersonalityAfter reading her personality, I think you should remove the bit about her not being completely evil. As far as I can tell she has no redeeming qualities. It's rather hard to be manipulative when you are rude to everyone and openly hostile towards others. Now if she is evil deep down but acts nice towards others so that she can gain their trust, that would allow her to be manipulative if she wanted to be. BioIf Edimar was openly a Dark Jedi, he would be hunted down and killed by the Jedi Order. Kiffu is regularly visited by Jedi it seems, because there are a lot of Jedi from that planet. One of them would have heard about him, and a team of Jedi would be sent to kill him. ----------------------------- I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to cut this review short. Real life is calling me. Here's some advice though for stats: Lightsaber stats: The highest you can get is a 5. Also your character should only have 10 points in total. So mastery of Shii-Cho and another form is all that your character should have. Force stats: The highest stat you should have is a 7, and you should only have 1 of those. I would suggest looking through accepted characters for what sort of stats you should have. Attributes are also way to high. When I get back on later I will go more into detail on what you should change. Alright, sorry I can't finish the review right now. Good luck with the app |
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last online Apr 19, 2013 18:45:53 GMT -5
Master
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Aug 22, 2011 20:14:11 GMT -5
Post by Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy on Aug 22, 2011 20:14:11 GMT -5
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last online Sept 26, 2011 20:13:39 GMT -5
Force Sensitive
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Aug 22, 2011 23:29:49 GMT -5
Post by Eludajae Marr on Aug 22, 2011 23:29:49 GMT -5
Okay. I edited and added some important things that you mentioned, and I'm not sure if it is acceptable yet. If there is anything else I am missing or doing wrong, do you think you might be able to point it out? I would really appreciate the help.
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last online Apr 19, 2013 18:45:53 GMT -5
Master
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Aug 23, 2011 0:47:29 GMT -5
Post by Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy on Aug 23, 2011 0:47:29 GMT -5
Every specialized skill you have is on the list of forbidden aspects. Meaning its disallowed. That's why I linked you to the list earlier.
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Cadyren
A guy with a blue name
319 posts
0 likes
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last online May 19, 2015 3:38:20 GMT -5
Knight
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Aug 23, 2011 1:02:27 GMT -5
Post by Cadyren on Aug 23, 2011 1:02:27 GMT -5
Alright, I'm back to finish up the review. I'm sorry about before, I got a call and had to get off the computer. I don't have anything else planned, so I should be able to do a full review now :3.
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Age
Did you make her older, or am I just remembering things wrong?
Personality
I would lie to point out again that your character's personality makes it so that few, if any, people will enjoy her company. This will make them less likely to listen to her, so she wouldn't be able to manipulate them. I realize that she is willing to be respectful sometimes, however it doesn't seem like she does it often.
If you want her to be good at manipulating people she is going to have to be a lot more friendly. She doesn't have to be a good person, but she will have to act like one if you want her to be able to gain someone's trust then use them to her advantage.
Bio
Take out the part about him being known, that's the only thing you missed.
You might want to explain why Edimar is so rich, being a Dark Jedi doesn't exactly pay well.
Childhood
At 15 she would be as skilled as a Padawan, not a Jedi Knight.
I would suggest talking about her training more. What was she good at, what did she struggle in?
I would suggest saying something about her father going easy on her in the fights, seeing as there is no way she should be able to beat her father at such a young age. Unless he is a horrible duelist of course, but if he is that should be stated.
So what killed her father? Was it the creatures, in which case how did they kill him?
Adulthood
Who is she pleading to? There is no Dark Jedi Order at that time. Also did she begin slaughtering Jedi? Because at 19 she wouldn't be skilled enough to do that.
Again there is no Dark Jedi Order, so she wouldn't be sent on a mission. Killing two 20 year old Jedi (I'm assuming) would be extremely hard to do, and would need to be explained.
Unless those Padawan were using swords (which would need to be explained if they were) her wounds couldn't' get infected. lightsaber blades burn flesh, so the wound would instantly be sealed by the burn.
If you want her to have mechanical limbs, that will cause her force stats to be lower. The Force only flows through living things, so there would be less of her for it to flow through.
Lightsaber and lightsaber stats
blacklight=UV Light? I'm sorry, but that isn't allowed on this site.
Seeing as she hasn't been trained since she was 16, her stats should be a lot lower here. She could still master Shii-Cho, but she should have less points in double bladed combat and Niman should be removed. I'd say a 3 in double bladed combat would be good.
If you make it so that she has trained until she was 22, making her knight level, then she could have a total of 11 points in saber forms. So she could master double bladed combat or have an extra point in niman.
Force stats
Regardless of what you change in the bio, these should be lowered.
Pick 2 stats (one of them should be healing) and make them 3's. Then make sure another 2 are 4's. You can keep one of the 5's, the 6, and the 7 (but you have to mention she is good at sensing things in the bio).
Specialized Abilities
Most of these are banned abilities, and none of them are explained in the bio. If you want her training to end at 16 then she cannot have one, but if she is trained until she becomes a full knight then she can have one. It can't be any of these hwoever (unless the Force Storm is the KOTOR variant).
Attributes
Alright, she can have a 4 in strength, and a 6 in speed. Intelligence and leadership are fine.
Unarmed, Melee Combat, and Ranged are to high. A 5 means that she is proficient in using one when compared to someone who is trained properly. Your bio doesn't suggest that she is skilled in any of these, so they should be lowered.
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And I'm done :3 If you have any problems with my review or a question feel free to PM me.
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last online Sept 26, 2011 20:13:39 GMT -5
Force Sensitive
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Aug 23, 2011 12:56:31 GMT -5
Post by Eludajae Marr on Aug 23, 2011 12:56:31 GMT -5
Alright. Here are the parts I edited:
Personality
Bio
Childhood
Lightsaber Forms
Force-Sensitive Abilities
Specialized Skills
Attributes
I think I edited everything to satisfaction. And yes, I raised her age. She seemed kind of young for what kind of personality and traits I gave her.
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last online Apr 19, 2013 18:45:53 GMT -5
Master
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Aug 23, 2011 16:00:47 GMT -5
Post by Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy on Aug 23, 2011 16:00:47 GMT -5
OK, here's my detailed review for you. My comments will be in a very Sithy Red. Name: Eludajae Maegera Marr [Pronunciation: ell-OODE-ah-JAY - meh-JAIR-uh - mar] Race: Kiffar Age: 27 Years Height: 5'7" Weight: 124 lbs Appearance: Eludajae Marr has red, waved, shoulder-length hair and icy-blue eyes. Her skin-tone is a tan color, and Eludajae has maroon tattoos on her chest and stomach. Eludajae Marr is always wearing dark or black clothes. Although she does like to "dress-up" for especially special occasions, she usually just wears her battle clothes: Her black brasire with black bottoms, her mechanical boots that are attuned to her mechanical lower legs and black stockings over her upper legs. Black sleeves are also included in her outfit, as well as black leather gloves, black metal Spaulders, and a hooded cape.
Eludajae Marr has been called attractive by others, quite often actually, but she doesn't care about that. Eludajae is tall enough, a height of 5'7", but is short compared to some others. Eludajae has a lithe body, and isn't underweight, but is on the fine line between underweight and healthy weight. Personality: Eludajae Marr is a very rude and ignorant person. She's not completely evil, but is fully consumed by dark force. Eludajae will almost always willingly kill a being that is interrupting the war or helping the Jedi. Eludajae enjoys solitude, and is a very reclusive person; not very easy to get out in public. She enjoys silence and darkness, but is never afraid to leave her solitary state: especially when killing is involved. That being said, Eludajae Marr is a war-machine. She is strong, stretegic I don't see 'ignorant' and 'strategic' easily describing the same person, and swift. But although she is an advantage and a weapon, Eludajae is not one to boss around. She responds to only those whom she knows isAre. Subject verb agreement is your friend. of high enough ranking.
Eludajae Marr is not friendly at all. In fact, being unnaturally hostile is like a second nature to her. But, when it is needed, Eludajae will speak and act in respect. As well as being naturally rude, she is also immensely bossy, and has no problem with getting other to do what she wants, whether or not she is friendly towards them or not. Birth place: Eludajae was born somwhere on the planet Kiffu, but grew up on Dantooine in their built home in Khoonda plains with her Father. Faction: Sith order Rank: Initiate Previous Faction: Dark Jedi Previous Rank: Knight; Assassin Bio:To completely understand Eludajae's history, introductions to her
parents must be made. Her father, Edimar Srin Marr, was a Kiffar Dark Jedi. He was dangerous and always irritated, but well hidden from the Jedi that might want to harm or kill him. On his homeplanet of Kiffar, he wasn't very well known to others, but would reveal himself to those whom he know would be killed within just an hour. Eludajae's mother was a kiffar beauty whom went by the name of Alis Kero Main. Alis grew up a peasant, unlike Edimar, and had worked for money for her family for as long as she can remember.
Edimar had made his wealth from stealth. He collected illegal taxes from the commoners and robbed the visitors of their money as well. He had been doing this since he had been created a knight eleven years beforeI'm a little vague on how he's A. Collecting illegal taxes, and B. Been created. That's confusing me. , and the money just stacked up.
Alis and Edimar met while Edimar was on a hidden patrol, making sure all the citizens were in order. Alis was selling fabric at a kiosk. Edimar walked past at first, but went back to get at good look at Alis. To him, she was beautiful. Being as wealthy as he was, he invited her to supper and told her she could bring her family along. His cook prepared the best gourmet food he could for them, and they feasted. Alis had soon seen something inside of Edimar that she found attractive, and stayed behind with him whilst her family went back to their small home. Alis and Edimar were together for three years. They never were married, but neither of them minded. Alis beared Edimar his child just after her first year with him, and that was when she realized staying behind with Edimar had been a mistake. Alis committed suicide after their child had turned two years old. Suicide is a pretty drastic thing (having been suicidal, I should know), and it needs a good explanation. Was there abuse? Threats? Mental problems? Edimar was surprised of course, but it didn't truly bother him. With his child, he could train her to be a Dark Jedi like him.
Edimar had always been well hidden, and he had known making himself known to a peasant like her was a bad idea in the first place. He was just lucky she hadn't told anyone.
Of course, the only part of her childhood that was spent on Kiffu were the first two years of her life. Her father was caring enough to take her and his belongings to another planet, Dantooine, for her to grow up on. A couple problems here, moving solely for the sake of his daughter seems unnaturally nice. Especially since you describe how well-hidden he was. Then there's an example of out of the frying pan and into the fire, at this time there's a major Jedi enclave on Dantooine. A Dark Jedi isn't going to be too keen on just moving in next to a whole bunch of people who would eliminate him.The planet was peaceful and nobody bothered them without absolute need, and they could train everyday without anyone taking any notice of it.
-- CHILDHOOD --
Eludajae was born with dark force pulsing through her body. Ever since she was old enough the wield a lightsaber, she knew what her duty would be: To become an assassin and work against the Jedi force. Everyday she trained with her father from the age of five. When she had grown to the age of fifteen, she was already as experienced as a padawan could be. But, of course, she had to wait to become a knight like everyone else.
During her teenage years, Eludajae Marr never had any friends or
anyone to rely on besides her father. Every single day for her was
something to look forward to: Her father would come and bring her
expensive pastries if she managed to out-fight him. She did half of
the time, when strength wasn't the only thing that had to be relied
on. I don't see a 13-16 year old beating a fully grown Dark Jedi even half of the time. Eludajae enjoyed the time she had with her father, even though
it was not the normal father-daughter relationship. Edimar was more
concerned with her training and well-being than anything else. It was needed to create a good knight of her.
When she was sixteen, her father went out but never came back from patrols. This made her worried. There were only two reasons her father would be late home: either he had found trouble and had to deal with it, or he had been found by some Jedi. Of course, she went out looking. Her hood over her face to make sure that her being Edimar's daughter wasn't given away, and after a week of searching eventually found his body dead in the plains, surrounded by creatures that were eating away at his flesh and bones. She killed off the creatures, taking wounds while doing it, and retrieved what money he always hid in his cape, as well as his lightsaber. She put them inside her bag, and returned home. training was up to her now, she knew, and there would be no rewards unless she got them herself.
Eludajae continued her training on her own, practicing stealth on the dummies her father owned, and practiced stealth and speed with stealing crystals from the homes of others whom she knew owned a lightsaber.How would she know this? Who besides a Jedi or Dark Jedi would have a lightsaber? How could they be so lax as to lose it if they're presumably a Force user with sense abilities? And keep in mind Dantooine is extremely lightly populated, with a few towns and then widely scattered homesteads. There'd only be a few near enough to easily raid. And what's the odds of all of those having lightsabers just lying around? She had kept up the fortune by selling the crystals she obtained. They were over-priced, but others still bought them from her. Who exactly is going to buy a lightsaber crystal exactly?
-- ADULTHOOD --
At the age of nineteen, she pleaded to be made a knight. Her plea had been declined, obviously, and this had enraged her. The declinement had not been taken lightly by her, and she went off on a killing spree to prove her worthiness. Of course, losing precious Jedis was not something they needed, though. Although she had done this, she had been made a Knight when she became of age. Who did she plead with exactly? She seems to be a lone wolf with no hierarchy to follow. So how could she ask anyone? Also, if you're going to have a killing spree you should describe who and why. Because randomly killing people doesn't seem likely to earn you any titles.
As soon as she had become a Dark Jedi assassin, she had been sent on a mission to kill off a party of invaders. Who assigned the mission, where was it, why, and who were these invaders? She immediately
took the mission, and went off the find them. They were not much
younger than she was, all two years away from becoming knights, but she didn't fight against killing them all. Of course, she had taken
some good wounds from them. A wound in her legs had been infected and Eludajae had to have them amputated. But, with her father's wealth she had inherited, she could afford mechanical legs to replace them But in a world of droids and space ships she couldn't afford medical care to avoid getting them amputated in the first place?. Her nerves reacted with the legs immediately, and she was able to move around and use her legs like normal.
-- PRESENT --
There's a LOT that can be said. How did she join the ranks of the Sith? Why? How did she wind up on Ziost building this thing?
There is not much to say about Eludajae's present except that she is currently located on the planet of Ziost, helping the others with the construction of the new Citadel. Lightsaber: Saberstaff: Slim, black, 30 centimeter hilt. Double-bladed but can be used as a single blade. I have trouble seeing a double-bladed saber that tiny. When you look at the hilts, they're big. Basically twice the size of a single. Or more.Single Blade, Single Phased: 25 centimeter silver hilt. Red. [Not Used] Color: Red Practiced Lightsaber Forms:Shii-Cho - 5 Makashi - Soresu - Ataru - Shien / Djem So - >>Sub-form Backhanded - Niman - 2 >>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield - Juyo - Double Bladed Combat - 4 Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:Telekinetic: 5 Telepathic: 5 Body: 4 Sense: 3 Protection: 6 Healing: 3 Destruction: 4 Specialized Skills: Force Storm (lightning) I have trouble seeing that when she only has a 4 in destruction. Since protection is a rarer skill set with Dark Jedi, I'd swap it and destruction to rationalize this.Attributes: Eludajae Marr is very strong and intelligent for someone like her, thanks to the training her father has given her. Just the numbers please.Physical Strength: 4 Intelligence: 5 Since you describe her as ignorant this should probably go down from average into below average.Speed: 6 Leadership: 4 Unarmed: 3 Melee Weapons: 4 Ranged Weapons: 4 Force Attunement: -6 RP Sample:Eludajae woke up with a jolt. The ship did that every time it exited hyperspace. She knew it couldn't be good, and she questioned the droid once again but his reply was that it was perfectly safe.
"Safe.... yeah safe for someone about to be spread across the next billion kilometers from exiting hyperspace wrong..." muttered Eludajae to herself as she looked around taking manual control of the ship. She saw Dantooine. She had grown up here with her father since she was two years old. From the distance it looked like a thoroughly green planet. She was 'safe' and there was no need to be on guard. She messaged down to find a landing place and a reply was sent. As she piloted down she cursed herself as it was on the night side of the planet. She decided it would be best to find a place to rest first before going on her search. When she docked she was met by a half sleeping Rodian. He said something about a docking fee, and Eludajae paid it without question.
"Is there any place were I can find a place to stay?" asked Eludajae of the Rodian and he looked at her with his wide open bug eyes for a moment and then laughed a bit.
"Well you could head to Tarngel's he has a few rooms but he'll charge you an arm and a leg," said the Rodian looking at her ship. He looked from the ship back to her saying nothing more.
"Surely you could suggest a better place? Perhaps even your own just for the night?" Asked Eludajae as she very subtly waved her hand across her belt line. The Rodian seemed hesitant for a moment and Rin couldn't tell because it was dark, much to dark to see beyond a few feet for her.
"I could suggest a better place then.... maybe you could just stay at my place," echoed the Rodian after a moment and then he scratched the back of his head. "I don't usually do this for spacers but with your ship damaged the way it is it looks like you really need a place to stay. I get off shift in a 10 minutes so if you can wait a few more minutes we can head out. Just got to watch out for Kath hounds, sometimes they hunt at night..."
"Thank you very much good sir," said Eludajae in reply. She walked over to her ship to secure the droid. After that was done she returned to find the Rodian waiting for her. "Lead the way."
Their travel through the dark seemed to take forever to Eludajae but she suspected that was because she couldn't see much. The Rodian seemed to guide them well enough and she paid extra attention to how the Rodian moved to get clues on what was coming up. She wasn't blind but she didn't want to appear to be a bumbling idiot at night. She closed her eyes for a moment calming down all the ruckus of thoughts in her head so she could focus on moving over the land. It wasn't long before they came to a building and the Rodian typed a key upon a keypad before entering a building after letting her go through first of course. The night went by mostly uneventful save for the Rodian was nice enough to offer her dinner before allowing her to sleep in the spare bedroom his home had. It was for when he had family visitors and that wasn't often. The man's name was Jarva.
In the morning Eludajae thanked Jarva for the night and asked directions to the old Marr residence. She spent the morning walking through the vast fields of Dantooine before she found the large, ruined home. The place had trash every here and there and the plant life seemed to be reclaiming it. She headed there anyways hoping that what she was looking for was somewhere in it. She activated her lightsaber upon coming to the entrance which was riddled with vines which she knew she wouldn't be able to walk through without getting all tangled in it's maw. Cutting through all the plants she finally made her way into a four way hall with an open skylight. The place used to be an indoor garden for it had some plants she didn't see outside on her way here. The exits were caved in save for one direction.
"I guess that settles where to go for now..." said Eludajae as she continued to explore the house. She eventually came to what looked like a terminal. She headed over to the room and tried to power it on fully expecting it not to function. To her surprise it kicked back on. The display would fail every two seconds and then fix itself but it functioned enough to maneuver through the menus. Eludajae found nothing of interest, and shut everything down. Eludajae followed the twists and turns of the halls through the ruined home until finally she came to the stairs that lead to the basement rooms and took them down.
"Now the third door on the left was the library.... lets see... 1.... 2...." said Eludajae to herself as she traveled down the hallway. She finally came to the door that was half open and approached it slowly. She sensed life on the other side, and as she came around the side of the door she saw black creatures with blood red eyes. Lagariks. She had heard of them and they were dangerous with fire breath. They charged her before she had a chance to try and fool them into thinking she wasn't here thus making her invisible.
"Damn it, they just had to make a nest here...." said Eludajae drawing her lightsaber to bear and slashing at the first one to reach her. She focused on herself, allowing the force to flow through her, and give her the valor she needed in this fight. She could feel the gentle push of the force telling her small little things, the nudges telling her to move now, press forward, jump over her enemy. She realized only after the calm had passed that she had already killed the three so easily. She felt no pity for the Lagariks for she had no choice, their minds were closed in a blood lust for food. She knew their thoughts must have been to kill her for the food of their children. Sighing, Eludajae strapped her lightsaber back to her belt and began to explore the library. Many things were missing from the library and she tried to access a vault. She wasn't a good hacker so she decided to force her way in. As her father would put it. 'Your lightsaber is much better slicing tool then any other slicer. How many tools can make you a way through a door and slice off your enemies head?'
Cutting the vault open she examined the inside expecting the usual Jedi crystals, and holocrons but instead she only saw one thing on the floor. It sparkled in the light. She reached down to pick it up and brought it up into the light. It was a half broken crystal. Looking around she saw that were was an entire wall blown through the side and no doubt someone had already looted this place. She sighed and walked out.
"Well that was a waste, I guess I'll check to see if the archive has anything useful left." said Eludajae, setting off to work on looking through them. It was a good thing too for she came across a file that told her about the crystal caves of Dantooine. As luck would have it there wasn't one too far away from the enclave. There was only one problem, caves were always as dark as night....
"I think I'd rather see that bald wookiee right about now..." complained Eludajae before setting off out of the house. Eludajae finally stopped in front of the cave entrance. No doubt some other things had made their home in here. "Well here goes nothing...."
Eludajae began to walk in and she began to loose sight slowly. Being Kiffan had it's perks, but their eye sight was about the same as a human's. Eludajae relied upon the force to guide her through the cave when she couldn't see anything at all and she could feel life ahead of her. Eludajae reached out with the force to smear her presence in their minds as she slowly sneaked past them. It worked for the most part and there was a slight glow in the distance. She made her way there and came to a large room filled with crystals. Rejoicing, she set out to work collecting up the crystals and avoiding the rather large eggs in the room. It was rather slow for she had to continually check to see if any kinrath were about with the force. She obtained a large bag and put all her crystals inside, then began to make her way out. She stumbled a few times out and bumped into a kinrath. She didn't bother to move slow anymore and booked straight for the exit. She made it out and continued to move with the aid of the force to make a hasty retreat. It wasn't until she saw her landing pad well within sight did she slow down. Her droid was doing donuts near the pod for some reason. She scowled, not knowing how he had gotten out. She had forgotten about him, though Eludajae was sure the droid was having a pleasant time without her. As she approached the droid stopped and headed for the ship as if waiting at the door like the dog.
"Lets go, I don't want to stay here for the night to come." said Eludajae as they made their way into space and headed back to Ziost. Her home was inhabitable now. Hoping to find her father was not her best idea. She already knew he had been taken and killed, but for some reason she couldn't hold onto the thought.
Her pod was completely ruined. So, spotting a brand new one nearby, she whistled to the droid and ran to it. Turning it on, she quickly pulled it off the ground and flew off into hyperspace. If she owns the ship and droid, they should probably be mentioned somewhere in her app. |
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sparrow
The Night is Dark and Full of Onions
2,999 posts
145 likes
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last online Dec 26, 2019 3:11:06 GMT -5
Master
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Aug 26, 2011 5:02:57 GMT -5
Post by sparrow on Aug 26, 2011 5:02:57 GMT -5
Let's have a look...
Judging from the context, did you mean arrogant instead of ignorant?
What do you mean by "she is an advantage"?
The bio as a whole seems to suffer from a lack of detail. You seem to write very little as to how Eludajae's personality developed as she grew up, or about how her training progressed, her strengths and weaknesses in different areas, the building of her lightsabers, etc. Curiously, you seem to some time describing her father asking her mother out to dinner, but then have her mother commit suicide for vague reasons with just a single sentence. Your writing about how Eludajae fought wild animals and sustained wounds or on how she lost her legs, which would seem to be much more important events in her life, are just as brief.
How does one practice stealth on dummies, which can neither see nor hear? How do the villagers not notice that their stolen goods are being sold by her?
Something here does not add up.
How did she even leave the Jedi Enclave? It's not as if the Jedi are going to let a dark jedi simply walk away.
She bought a tank? Who would be selling such a thing? Civilians generally don't get to buy military equipment.
Umm... no. The Jedi Enclave is full of powerful Jedi Masters who would sense her presence very quickly if she tried to sneak in, and they're not going to simply ask her to go away when they catch her.
When does this happen? The Sith Order has only been around for about a year. You seem to imply that this happens in her early twenties, when she is currently 27.
So what color is the actual saber blade?
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sparrow
The Night is Dark and Full of Onions
2,999 posts
145 likes
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last online Dec 26, 2019 3:11:06 GMT -5
Master
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Sept 26, 2011 13:07:27 GMT -5
Post by sparrow on Sept 26, 2011 13:07:27 GMT -5
Moving to Incomplete.
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