Kuran

[Kuran]

Character Name: Dain Graf
Character Source: SWU, Pending
Character Faction/Alignment: Fringe, neutral, smuggler
Type of Roleplay: Err...smuggling maybe? Being boarded and searched would be kind of neat, but up to the mentor.
Roleplay Requirements: Up to the mentor
Reason for Request: I am perhaps a bit rusty. Sometimes my posts lack any decent length which can be an issue. General revision is always good.
Notes: I feel kind of like i'm necroing a whole board here, but I was told that people weren't posting due to inactivity on their part, not the mentors...

As far as the post itself, I'm not really sure where to start, so i'll just kind of wing it and see what happens...

Roleplay:

Dain sat back and propped booted feet up on the table in front of him, watching the comings and goings of those in the cantina with a mixture of boredom and amusement. A few minutes previously an angry rodian female had stomped in and dragged what had appeared to be her husband off by his ear, at which point the band in the corner struck up a lively tune. There had been a round of laughter at the unfortunate man's fate, and more drinks had been poured.

Dain refrained from drinking most of the time. He had only just passed the age where he could do so legally, though that did not stop him from doing most things. It was more a matter of common sense. Alcohol dulled the senses, and if there was one thing Dain had learned in the six months since his first smuggling run, it was that you needed your senses all the time. So, instead of alcohol, he sipped at a mild stim tea as he waited for the contact he was supposed to be meeting here. Another day, another smuggling run...

[Kella]

OOC// Why hello, Kuran. :3 Dun worry, you're not really necroing a board so much as doing a bit of CPR. We actually want this one to come back to life. xD

THIS BOARD SHALL BE THE WD-40 TO YOUR RUST. D<

*hem* <.< Anyway. Length is not so much an issue as content, really. As long as you've effectively carried your character's side of the thread, and given others something to respond to, length doesn't really matter. :3 It's just that usually, that can only be accomplished through longer posts. Especially in a dialogue or close battle, short posts are actually preferable. But that's a bit of a soapbox thing for me.

Also, you are very much on the right track, as winging it makes up a very large portion of RPing. xD

Lesse, what to do with Dain... Since you've brought in the smuggling aspect, I think I might as well toss in one of my chars, the lovely Grizzelda (if I do say so myself, which I do). Linkage. :3

Speaking of which! Your link to Dain's profile is broken. :/ It seems to not have a proper URL in the coding. Anywho. On to your post! You've got the basic flow and mechanics down pat (yay! ^^) so I'm going to get really nitpicky, becauseIcan. xD Get into word choice and such. Consider that a compliment. And, as always, take what I say with a grain of salt as it is, ultimately, subjective. Klet'sgo. :3

Dain sat back and propped booted feet boots up on the table in front of him, watching the comings and goings of those in the cantina with a mixture of boredom and amusement. A few minutes previously, an angry rodian female had stomped in and dragged off by the ear what had appeared to be her husband off by his ear, at which point the band in the corner struck up a lively tune. There had been a round of laughter at the unfortunate man's fate, and more drinks had been poured. (You did a pretty good job of setting the atmosphere her, which makes my job easier. :3 Shiny.)

Dain refrained from drinking most of the time. He had only just passed reached the age where he one could do so legally,. Though, that his age did not stop him from doing most things. It was more a matter of common sense. Alcohol dulled the senses, and if there was one thing Dain had learned in the six months since his first smuggling run, it was that you always needed your senses all the time. So, instead of alcohol, he sipped at a mild stim tea as he waited for the contact he was supposed to be meeting here. Another day, another smuggling run...

So, a few things with flow, as far as not letting modifying phrases get in the way of the action, and making sure the intent is clear. For instance, to have 'passed' an age makes it seem like something is over, that he can no longer do something, while to have 'reached' an age implies that he has just gotten to a point, that something that couldn't be done now can. Also, and this is something I have to constantly work on, don't say something in three words when one will do. Keep things as concise if possible, without losing tone or meaning. So that's the reasoning behind 'booted feet' to 'boots', and 'all the time' to 'always'. This is one of the most important parts of keeping your reader hooked.

Now, on with the story! Though, before I begin, I will say that I am hardly a perfect writer. If you ever have to think about something for a moment to get what I'm saying, or if anything's confusing or unclear or just doesn't flow, let me know. X) Ideally, writing on a forum like SWU is a mutually beneficial experience. Now, that's enough rambling from me.

IC// Grizzelda knocked back another shot. Some nights called for sobriety, some for champagne, some for a mixed drink. Tonight called for whiskey.

Corellian whiskey. It was a taste of home in many respects, seeing as home was as much slinking through the galaxy's underbelly as it was Corellia. Not that Grizzelda was feeling nostalgic, so much as she wanted to amuse herself.

She was here to hand off a shipment. Normally, she'd take it all the way, but Grizzelda's charge tended to increase the more... laborious the route, and her employer had considered her services cost-effective for only one leg. Not that that bothered Grizzelda, she enjoyed meeting other members of the black market.

Or rather, she enjoyed knowing other members of the black market -- knowledge was often the most valuable good.

This one that she'd meet tonight was a bit green -- literally. Grizzelda chuckled; Oh, how she amused herself.

She pushed back from the counter, nodding at the bartender, and sauntered over to the Mirilian. With utter familiarity, she reclined into the chair opposite Graf.

"Wet weather they're having on Manaan, isn't it?" She asked casually, looking Graf in the eye.

Despite all appearances, it was not, in fact, a secret code-word, as there was, in fact, no secret code-word at all.

There were far more ways than just whiskey to amuse oneself.

[Kuran]

OOC: Sorry about the link. I intended to do it and then...forgot. It's fixed now. And I see what you mean about shortening the descriptors, makes it flow better.

IC:

Dain looked up at the approach of a human woman, and raised an eyebrow slightly at her question about the weather on Mannan. Dain had never been there before, but he vaugley remembered reading that it was a water world.

"And a bit warm on Tattooine, is it not?" He replied with a hint of his old nonchalant tone.

Instead of looking her in the eye, he gave the tall woman a quick once-over. Taller than the average human woman, short brown hair. This must be the other smug he was supposed to be meeting.

"I'm Dain. I assume you've got something for me to do?"

[Kella]

OOC// np. ;D I just today realized that one of my characters' storyline pages links to the wrong character's bio. >.> Anyway. :3

This really isn't something you did wrong, by any means, but it's an interesting challenge; In Star Wars, you've got a galaxy full of tons of vastly different races/species. We kind of tend to assume humans are pretty common, but this is probably really only true in and around the core worlds. Even then, there are a lot of near-human races that look -very- human (if there's really any difference other than some super-powers or cultural quirks the EU writer decided to give them. >.>). Anyway, the challenge being, -I- know this detail, but would my character? So, for instance, how would Dain know that Grizzelda's a human? Now, it's perfectly plausible, which is why this isn't criticism, just a fun way to stretch your brain. xD For instance, pegging someone as a Mirilian is pretty easy, with the distinctive markings and the green skin and all, for someone who's been around the horn like Grizzelda has. :3 My civvie cartographer, however, is pretty new to galactic society and would have no idea.

That was rather rambly. >.> Sorry.

Overall, you have a tidy, solid post. :3 You gave Dain's assessment of Grizzelda without getting too over-winded with it, seeing as some people like to recap the other char's whole appearance, which is rather pointless, seeing as your audience is the one who wrote that appearance in the first place. xD Anyway. I'd like to see into Dain's head a little more. You don't necessarily have to type out his thoughts -- in fact, it's usually better to just characterize his thoughts/attitudes. Also good to use adjectives moreso than direct statements. So, "he strutted into the room" would be better than "He was confident as he walked into the room" sort of thing.

Just one thing; It's not quite clear what's meant by 'his old nonchalant tone'. Old as in sort of the endearing term like 'ol Blue? Or old as in something possessed previously, but neglected recently?

Onward and upward!

IC//

So the kid thought he was clever?

Good. Sometimes, in this business, cleverness was all one had.

"I don't have anything for you to do," she said, sounding somewhat bored. "I just have the things someone else has something for you to do with." Grizzelda shrugged.

Some locales called for a great deal of subtlety and secrecy -- this wasn't one of them. She was reasonably sure that the owner of the bar didn't even have a liquor license. Yet, the fact that that didn't matter was indicative of the local police presence.

Grizzelda eyed the band in the corner. "You'd think they could be troubled to learn more than four songs," she muttered.

Then, sounding slightly more interested, "What kinda ship you got?"

[Kuran]

OOC: Ahh, okay, I see what you mean. Being from Miral, even being near-human doesn't mean that he would recognise one right off, moreso with other non-human races.

And the "Old Nonchalant Tone" thing was a reference to his past. He's only recently (a few months) found out about the death of his love, so he's somewhat depressive at times.

IC: Dain smiled slightly at the woman's appraisal of the band. He had never had much of an ear for music, but in the twenty minutes since his arrival he had heard the same song at least three times. Nodding in amusement, he took his boots from the table and sat upright.

A flicker of hesitation crossed his face as she asked him about his ship. Was it some secret, were smugglers supposed to ask? But the look passed,replaced by the slight smile he had been wearing.

"The Smile, she's an XS-Class Light Freighter, straight off the line. I'm working on modifying it somewhat, though i've added....ahem....a bit of extra cargo space. What about you?"

[Kella]

OOC// Ah, gotcha. That's actually a really interesting character detail, so don't be afraid to have your character remember/muse on things a bit. Not too much, of course, but a few sentences or a short paragraph of personal detail can really spice things up. :]

Another tidy little post. ^^ Though, I'm remembering why I like to start threads on a note of action, 'cause then it's easier for me to keep my muse going. You were totally fine starting where/how you did, sometimes it's good to keep things open, and I tend to do the same thing. xD I do feel it's time to get some action moving, though. I usually take that upon myself, but I thought it might be a fun challenge to offer you. Feel free to make up some NPCs -- random people who serve a particular purpose in a thread, but not far beyond. For instance, you could spin up some thugs to come after Dain, or Grizz, or start a barfight, or a fire, etc. In future threads, that is something you want to coordinate with whoever you're RPing with, but never be afraid to suggest some action. And if you're feeling stuck, no worries; I'll probably be able to come up with something. xD


IC// Grizzelda considered this information for a moment. Straight of the line had its pros and cons, but was usually a rookie's move. Not unexpected. At least he actually understood the concept of a smuggling compartment -- she'd met (and then proceeded to thoroughly ignore) a few surprisingly thick wannabe-smugglers. Fun times.

"The Slipstream," she answered, "Razorback model. Built 'er myself." Grizzelda puffed up a bit with pride, as much habit as genuine. "I do believe we're parked in the same hangar," she said, tone utterly devoid of uncertainty.

"So," she said, lacing her fingers behind her head, "You gonna buy me a drink, or are we gonna get down to business?"

[Kuran]

"Built yourself? That's quite impressive." Dain was something of a novice where mechanics were concerned, but he had heard about people who built their own ships, and how difficult it was.

Dain pressed a button on the side of the table, and a small hologram of a female humanoid sprang up in the middle of the table. "What can I get ya hun?" it inquired.

Dain slid a credit chip into a receiver slot on the side of the table. "Another Stim tea for me, and whatever my friend here would like."

As the holo-waitress turned to look at Grizzelda, Dain noticed a pair of what looked like local security enter the cantina through the main entrance.

"Might want to make that to go," He advised lightly.