Aferus Ven

[joncharles]

Name: Aferus Ven

Race: Kiffar

Age: 29

Height: 1.6 Meters

Weight: 165 lbs.

Appearance: Aferus has purple qukuuf markings, a non-traditional choice by his father. He has long black hair, purple eyes, and a red tint to his skin.

Personality: Aferus is easy to anger, and once angered, does not back down. But if you earn his trust, he is forever loyal. Unless you betray him, that is. Then he'll kill you.

Birth place: Kiffu

Faction: Sith

Rank: Initiate

Previous Faction: Jedi

Previous Rank: Jedi Knight

Bio: Aferus was born on the planet Kiffu to Ji'mall Ven (mother) and Xenttel Ven (father). His mother had a friend, Kinte, who was a Jedi, and asked her to help monitor the birth. But that backfired. Kinte immediately saw Aferus as Force-Sensitive as soon as he was born. In the middle of the night he was spirited away to the Jedi Temple on the planet Tython. His parents knew Kinte had taken their son as soon as they saw he was missing. They searched and searched Kiffu, but were too poor to go off-planet to look. Aferus was raised in the Jedi Temple on Typhon, that was all he knew. He quickly rose through the ranks, which made some Jedi find him arrogant and power-hungry. When he was 24, on his first mission as a Jedi Knight, he and his friend Kintinel were sent to fight some Bith rebels on Clak'dor VII. In the process of stopping the rebels, Kintinel was killed. In his anger and sorrow, Aferus summoned Chain Lightning and killed many many rebels at once. After that, he knew he would be kicked out of the Jedi Order, so he ran. Eventually he found that Sith 3 days after his 29th birthday. Since then, he has studied hard to rise in the rank of the Sith.

Lightsaber: Double Blade
Color: Black

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho 4
Makashi 2
Soresu 3
Ataru 4
Djem So 3
Jar-kai 3
Juyo 4
Double Bladed Combat 4

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices: Chain Lightning

Telekinetic: 7
Telepathic: 8
Body: 5
Sense: 8
Protection: 3
Healing: 2
Destruction: 9

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 8
Intelligence: 6
Speed: 7
Leadership: 9

Unarmed: 3
Melee Weapons: 8
Ranged Weapons: 5

Force Attunement: -5

RP Sample:

[Cain]

Alrighty, Jon, I'm gonna give you a bit of advice as you work on this profile.

Dec 23, 2011 22:02:08 GMT -5 joncharles said:

Appearance: Aferus has purple qukuuf markings, a non-traditional choice by his father. He has long black hair, purple eyes, and a red tint to his skin.

You can be a bit more descriptive than that. You don't need to write an essay, but if you're going to be RPing with this character you should have a detailed idea of what they look like.

Dec 23, 2011 22:02:08 GMT -5 joncharles said:

Personality: Aferus is easy to anger, and once angered, does not back down. But if you earn his trust, he is forever loyal. Unless you betray him, that is. Then he'll kill you.

I could copy and paste this into just about every Sith profile and it'd probably fit. You can definitely do better than this. Talk about what makes Aferus unique.

Dec 23, 2011 22:02:08 GMT -5 joncharles said:

But that backfired. Kinte immediately saw Aferus as Force-Sensitive as soon as he was born. In the middle of the night he was spirited away to the Jedi Temple on the planet Tython. His parents knew Kinte had taken their son as soon as they saw he was missing. They searched and searched Kiffu, but were too poor to go off-planet to look.

Jedi don't kidnap babies from their parents. xD They would ask the parent's permission before taking them to be trained as Jedi.

Dec 23, 2011 22:02:08 GMT -5 joncharles said:

Aferus was raised in the Jedi Temple on Typhon, that was all he knew. He quickly rose through the ranks, which made some Jedi find him arrogant and power-hungry. When he was 24, on his first mission as a Jedi Knight, he and his friend Kintinel were sent to fight some Bith rebels on Clak'dor VII.

That was fast. You definitely need to slow down, take your time, and put some detail into this bio. Tell us about his Youngling years, about how he learned to use the Force, how he constructed his lightsaber, how he passed the Jedi Trials to become a Knight. These are all of vital importance if you ever want to have this character approved.

Dec 23, 2011 22:02:08 GMT -5 joncharles said:

In the process of stopping the rebels, Kintinel was killed. In his anger and sorrow, Aferus summoned Chain Lightning and killed many many rebels at once.

You don't suddenly summon a specialized Force power, fully polished, out of nowhere one day. If you want a power like this you have to explain how your character learned it, and how he used it to slowly improve with it.

Yeah, basically your bio needs a helluva lot more detail before you can get anything done. I would recommend having a look at some of the profiles of already approved Sith around Aferus' age to get a better idea of what is expected.

Dec 23, 2011 22:02:08 GMT -5 joncharles said:

Lightsaber: Double Blade
Color: Black

Black lightsabers are not allowed on SWU.

Dec 23, 2011 22:02:08 GMT -5 joncharles said:

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho 4
Makashi 2
Soresu 3
Ataru 4
Djem So 3
Jar-kai 3
Juyo 4
Double Bladed Combat 4

Waaaay too much. The Dark Overlord doesn't have stats like this. At Knight level (depending on your specialty; Guardian, Sentinel, Consular, etc) You'd probably have a 5 in Shii-Cho and a 1 - 3 in maybe 2 or 3 other forms.

Dec 23, 2011 22:02:08 GMT -5 joncharles said:

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices: Chain Lightning

You list this under "Specialized Skills".

Dec 23, 2011 22:02:08 GMT -5 joncharles said:

Telekinetic: 7
Telepathic: 8
Body: 5
Sense: 8
Protection: 3
Healing: 2
Destruction: 9

Again, way too high. I'd change the 8's to 6's and the 9 to a 7. Then you might have a chance.

Dec 23, 2011 22:02:08 GMT -5 joncharles said:

Physical Strength: 8
Intelligence: 6
Speed: 7
Leadership: 9

Unarmed: 3
Melee Weapons: 8
Ranged Weapons: 5

Force Attunement: -5

Tooooo high. Nerf the 8 and the 9, I can tell you that now as justifying them in your bio would be quite a leap at this point. If you do decide to go with any 7's then be prepared to back them up.

[sparrow]

Moving to Incomplete.