lmr x Kella

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

Character Name: Teer Ka
Character Source: SWU, Accepted
Character Faction/Alignment: +2 (Lawful Neutral)
Type of Roleplay: Social?
Roleplay Requirements: I'm pretty flexible
Reason for Request: I wanted to get some feedback from Kella on how I post, see if there's any room for improvements.
Notes: For the sake of timeline I'm putting this after retracing steps.
Roleplay:

Master Teer Ka sat in one of the numerous small courtyards of the Jedi Temple on Coruscant, bare feet resting on her knees, folded up intricately in a position of meditation that managed to showcase some flexibility, even if it was one of the Togruta Weapons Master's least impressive talents. A few feet to her right were the black leather boots she'd taken off of her feet in favor of savoring the feel of the breeze on her bare skin.

Unlike most Togruta, Teer didn't refuse to wear shoes. It wasn't out of any disrespect to nature or her culture, but out of a healthy appreciation for practicality. There were many hazards to be found out in the galaxy, from broken glass to rusty shards of metal, and boots negated a great many of them. The Jedi Temple, however, was a sanctuary from the remainder of the galaxy, and a place of safety. And while at home in her quarters or when meditating, she preferred to keep the orange skin of her feet exposed, savoring the simple pleasure of it.

Teer released a deep breath through her mouth, and her jet black eyes opened again, signifying the end of her morning meditation. It was still quite early, and the darkness in the sky had yet to be replaced by more than a faint glow. The ceiling above was low, and fluffy cloud was rolling in through the rooftops like mist. It was a surreal sight to behold, and precisely why she woke up so early.

Well, that and staying prepared. Every day was a strictly regimented drill for her, and every single morning she took part in rigorous calisthenics, running laps, practicing telekinesis, and meditating. Only after she had accomplished those activities to her satisfaction did she allow herself to eat a morning meal. Work always came first, and pleasure last.

Master Ka was likely the object of split opinions. Her intensity was well-known, as was her severe personality. She was demanding, she was harsh, and she pushed herself and others to the very edge. But she was also deeply devoted to the Jedi Order, and extremely loyal. Undoubtedly some saw her traits and found a strong servant and valuable teacher. Others likely saw an overbearing woman with a grim temperament and a mania for defense bordering on paranoia. Maybe they were both right.

Teer herself was less concerned with what others thought of her, and more concerned with the quality of her own actions and instructions. Of her Padawans, one had died on Shili, another had fallen to the Dark Side and been ended by her own hand, and the third had successfully become a Knight. That left her fourth, Sirius. Loyal, strong, skilled. But even he hadn't emerged from their mission against Dark Jedi on Umbara. Yes, they'd destroyed the viper's nest there and rescued a captive Jedi, but Sirius had lost his arm in the process, and very nearly his life. Even the opportunity to add another six notches onto her saber was shallow in comparison.

The fact Sirius hadn't been able to save his limb troubled her. Yes, they had been outnumbered, but her training of the boy had been intensive, both exacting and thorough. She'd had full confidence he'd be ready for it, to fight the way she fought, with the same mentality that allowed her to prevail in such situations. She'd replayed the skirmish over and over in her head, looking for all the possibilities, and she could only conclude that her training was somehow at fault. It was disconcerting, and not even her meditation had been enough to cleanse it from her mind. In fact, the last time she'd been so disturbed was the loss of Dantooine, and of Rhen Var.

Only then she hadn't been responsible for the losses. Now she was. Her Padawan was mutilated now because she hadn't been able to prepare him well enough. That stung. Quite badly in fact, and it hit deeper than mere professional pride. Of all her Padawans, Sirius was the closest to her heart. Oresa had been a student, as had Keln. Her death and his betrayal had both taxed her, but they'd lacked true closeness. Even Hira, her great success, had been more a student than anything else. Sirius was a son though, the closest she'd ever have to children.

And on her watch he'd been disfigured.

The aging Togruta Jedi let out a sigh and stretched her back, raising her arms skyward before lowering them back down, sliding a hand along one of her three lekku, or headtails. It was at that moment she noticed someone approaching from behind, a fact broadcast by not only her Force senses, but also her keen sense of spatial awareness and her excellent hearing. However, she chose to remain stoically frozen in place rather than turning. Whoever it was would introduce himself or herself if he or she wanted to talk to her. Or it was possible they'd simply turn around and leave her alone. Either would be acceptable in her eyes.

[Kella]

I'm going to go ahead and go into detail here, but if you'd prefer I stay big-picture instead of going into the linguistics of it, is not a problem. Also, as always, the changes I suggest are subjective. xD So that doesn't mean it's the only way to 'improve' it, by any stretch.

Feb 27, 2012 2:12:18 GMT -5 Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy said:

Character Name: Teer Ka
Character Source: SWU, Accepted
Character Faction/Alignment: +2 (Lawful Neutral)
Type of Roleplay: Social?
Roleplay Requirements: I'm pretty flexible
Reason for Request: I wanted to get some feedback from Kella on how I post, see if there's any room for improvements.
Notes: For the sake of timeline I'm putting this after retracing steps.
Roleplay:

Master Teer Ka sat in one of the numerous small courtyards of the Jedi Temple on Coruscant ((Too many prepositional phrases in a row here. X] )), bare feet resting on her knees, folded up intricately in a position of meditation that managed to showcase some flexibility, even if it was one of the Togruta Weapons Master's least impressive talents. ((Overall, this sentence seems to go on a bit long. :/ On a more subjective note, sitting with ones feet on one's knees is hardly intricate at all, and doesn't require -that- much flexibility. X) Though, regardless, you shouldn't have to explain that something indicates flexibility -- either the description of the position does, or doesn't.)) A few feet to her right were the black leather boots she'd removed taken off of her feet in favor of savoring the feel of the breeze on her bare skin.

Unlike most Togruta, Teer didn't refuse to wear shoes. It wasn't out of any disrespect to nature or her culture, but out of a healthy appreciation for practicality. There were many hazards to be found out in the galaxy, from broken glass to rusty shards of metal, and boots negated a great many of them. The Jedi Temple, however, was a sanctuary from the remainder rest of the galaxy, and a place of safety. And So while at home in her quarters or when meditating, she preferred to keep the orange skin of her feet exposed, savoring the simple pleasure of it.

Teer released a deep breath through her mouth, and her jet black eyes opened again, signifying the end of her morning meditation. It was still quite early, and the darkness in the sky had yet to be replaced by more than a faint glow. The ceiling above was low, and fluffy cloud was rolling in through the rooftops like mist. (("Fluffy" doesn't quite fit with the mood I think you're going for here, as it's more novel than serene. Also, clouds are like mist... because they are mist. xD Furthermore, I'm still not exactly sure what's going on here. There's a ceiling above her, so she's indoors, but clouds are rolling through rooftops, which implies she's looking out over the city or something... or there's a hole in the roof. :/ )) It was a surreal sight to behold, and precisely why she had wokeen up so early.

Well, that and staying prepared. Every day was a strictly regimented drill for her Teer, and every single Each morning she took part in rigorous calisthenics, running laps, practicing telekinesis, and meditating. Only after she had accomplished those these activities to her satisfaction did she allow herself to eat a morning meal. Work always came first, and pleasure last.

Master Ka was likely the object of split opinions. Her intensity was well-known, as was her severe personality. She was demanding, she was harsh, and she pushed herself and others to the very edge. But she was also deeply devoted to the Jedi Order, and extremely loyal. Undoubtedly some saw her traits and found a strong servant and valuable teacher. Others likely saw an overbearing woman with a grim temperament and an almost paranoid mania for defense bordering on paranoia. Maybe they were both right.

Teer herself was less concerned with what others thought of her, and more concerned with the quality of her own actions and instructions. ((This sounds like a confident statement, though the overall impression one gets of Teer from the following sentences is that she really hasn't been very successful at all. Because no intentional contrast is established, the paragraph just seems to wander in focus. So, you're probably going to want to undercut the first sentence with something that indicates Teer isn't so happy with the quality of her actions.)) Of her Padawans, one had died on Shili, another had fallen to the Dark Side and been ended by her own hand, and the third had successfully become a Knight. That left her fourth, Sirius. Loyal, strong, skilled. But even he hadn't emerged from their mission against Dark Jedi on Umbara. ((This feels a bit like a 'the mission' sort of thing. Well, the reader doesn't know what 'The' mission is. It established sort of fuzzy. So either say, 'that mission', to give it some atmosphere, and leave it a bit vague, or give some more concreted detail, like, 'their most recent msision'.)) Yes, they'd destroyed the viper's nest there and rescued a captive Jedi, but Sirius had lost his arm in the process, and very nearly his life. Even the opportunity to add another six notches onto her saber was shallow in comparison.

((Alright, I'm going to ramble on that last sentence a bit, so bear with me. This is quite un-jedi-like, and I will explain to you why. Foremost is the use of the word 'opportunity.' 'Opportunity' is a word of great positive connotation. I get to do this, I want the opportunity to do that. It's a positive thing, often something desired, especially when used in this matter. Now, the implication here is that you are saying Teer got to kill six Dark Jedi, that the chance to do so was something she desired and enjoyed. And no, that's not too much to read into one word -- that is the profound power of word choice, which is the core of writing in general. xD

Alright, so what else does this say about Teer? If Teer likes killing Dark Jedi, then regardless of who she's killing, it means she likes killing. And 'true' Jedi, or I should say, Jedi who stand strongly by the code, do not like killing. Even if they are guardians who have spent their entire lives in combat, they do not -like- killing. They will always prefer that a Dark Jedi be reformed, instead of requiring killing. It's a burden they bear, because protection is more important than not killing.

That being said, I hope it's apparent how the 'opportunity' to kill six Dark Jedi contradicts quite solidly with the basic tenants of the Jedi. Which isn't to say that a Jedi can't have flaws -- of course they can. Of course it's valid for Teer to think that. But, as a char up as a candidate for the council, this is the sort of trait displayed through the RP of the character that would prevent a char from meshing with the council.

There's one more larger implication here, and that's that Teer keeps the marks on her saber as a trophy of kills, a record of 'evils slaughtered', however she wants to think about it. However, what you have said here with the word 'opportunity', is that these notches are not, in fact, to remind her about the value of life or the gravity of a kill. ))


The fact Sirius hadn't been able to save lost his limb troubled her Teer. Yes, they had been outnumbered, but her training of the boy's training had been intensive -- both exacting and thorough. She'd had full confidence he'd Sirius would be ready for it, to fight the way she fought, to think the way that she thought, to prevail in the way that she did. with the same mentality that allowed her to prevail in such situations. ((Parallelism <3333)) She'd Teer replayed the skirmish over and over in her head, looking for all the possibilities, and she could only conclude that her training was somehow at fault. It was disconcerting, and not even her meditation had been enough to cleanse it from her mind. In fact, the last time she'd been so disturbed was the loss of Dantooine, and of Rhen Var. ((Looove the internal character conflict here.))

Only then she hadn't been responsible for the losses. Now she was. Her Padawan was mutilated now because she hadn't been able to prepare him well enough. That stung. Quite badly in fact, Badly. And it hit deeper than mere professional pride. (('Quite' is a sort of almost... supercilious, amused, or academic word, so unless you're going for overformal or vaguely witty, it tends to sound awkward. Don't be afraid of raw sentences and stream of consciousness, when attempting to relay the inner thoughts of a character.)) Of all her Padawans, Sirius was the closest to her heart. Oresa had been a student, as had Keln. Her Keln's death and his betrayal had both taxed her Teer, but they'd ((master and student had)) lacked true closeness. Even Hira, her Teer's great success, had been more of a student than anything else. Sirius, however, was a son though, the closest she'd ever have to children.

((This is something I've really been playing around with, which is why I pause again to pontificate. xD I usually want to give more elaboration, so people understand exactly what I'm saying. However, I've noticed that the more words one uses, the less meaning each word has. So, sometimes making a very short, concise statement pikes that 'isn't there more?' part of the reader's brain, with the effect of indicating to the reder that no, there isn't more, because that concise statement is just that important. So, by simply saying, "Sirus was a son," one is imbuing the word 'son' with a great deal of importance. By implying contrast, and using that familiar term, you get a treat, sharp, impactful effect. However, by adding on the comment about children, you fuzz up the issue a bit. And, like I said, this is a process I'm actively working through, and attempting to learn how to utilize, which is why I say anything at all. X] ))

And on her watch he'd been disfigured.

The aging Togruta Jedi let out a sigh and stretched her back, raising her arms skyward before lowering them back down, sliding a hand along one of her three lekku, or headtails. ((Alternatively, if you think your audience needs 'headtails', then just drop the 'lekku' bit.)) It was at that moment that she Teer noticed someone approaching from behind, a fact broadcast relayed to her by not only by her Force senses, but also by her keen sense of spatial awareness and her excellent hearing. However, she chose to remain stoically frozen in place rather than turning. Whoever it was would introduce himself or herself if he or she wanted to talk to her. Or it was possible they'd simply turn around and leave her alone. Either would be acceptable to Teerin her eyes.

Hokay! xD There go. And don't be too intimidated, as I'm sure I could find a whole host of lingual issues in a lot of my posts if I went back and re-read them after a while. >.> So that feedback is meant far more writer-to-writer than in a superior manner.

Though, I would recommend watching out for pronouns. Too many pronouns can get confusing, but even if you're only talking about one person, they tend to get boring. I usually try to space my char's name out for every three or four pronouns or so, which isn't so much a starting point as the best way I can describe how I feel it out. xD I do try to make sure that their name is spread out by a pronoun or a good chunk of text in between, as names do get redundant a lot faster than pronouns (which is why we have pronouns in the first place! D<).

Other than that, just be mindful of how you're portraying your character through word choice. It's an incredibly powerful thing, and something that's fun to play around with. :3 Oh, and, a lot of times, less is more.

OKAY MY TURN

Show no mercy. D<

---

Roq had an affection for mornings. Well, he had an affection for every time of day. For days in general. For life in general, but that was beside the point.

Morning's special quality was that it seemed to be the cleanest, most crisp time of day. The air was dark and fresh, but with the anticipation of morning. Roq was immersed in the sky, surrounded by the liquid air. His wings were numb with the chill, misty clouds gathering into rivulets of water along his body. Coruscant, despite its hustle and bustle and smog, was bearable.

Roq breathed deep that air, until he could feel every rib spread and stretch. He angled his wings and a wide, banking turn brought him back around to face the temple again. He spiraled slowly downwards, in no particular hurry. It was in this sort of rhythmic, constant motion that Roq found his deepest thoughts. Slowly, his mind returned from the sky -- from moral conundrums and self-evaluation, the qualities of the universe and the meaning of things -- to more practical considerations. Like war. And breakfast.

_____//||\\_____

The matter of the morning meal having been attended to, Roq elected to take the scenic route through the temple, and see what he could see. It was not that he did not have important things to do -- it was that the sort of light, mingling interaction that came out of wandering the temple was an important thing to do. He genuinely enjoyed the conversation and interaction with other Jedi, and found that it afforded him a glimpse at the more subtle issues Jedi dealt with.

In this way, Roq stumbled across a Togrutan woman he knew to be a master -- though he had entirely forgotten her name. He was terrible with names. It was genetic.

The woman grew quite still, and since she's just stretched out the stillness of meditation, Roq took it to be an acknowledgement of his presence.

"Good Morning," he said. His voice filled the room suddenly, like a rush of warm air from an opening door. The Graarl's talons clicked quietly against the stones of the courtyard, though he paused politely to regard the woman.

"How is the Force this morning?"

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

OK, I'll return the favor here. It'll most likely be my opinion rather than anything actually substantive.

Roq had an affection for mornings. Well, he had an affection for every time of day. For days in general. For life in general, but that was beside the point.

Morning's special quality was that it seemed to be the cleanest, most crisp time of day. The air was dark and fresh, but with the anticipation of morningOne would think the morning air would have morning rather than the anticipation of the current time. Roq was immersed in the sky, surrounded by the liquid airLiquid air?. His wings were numb with the chill, misty clouds gathering into rivulets of water along his body. Coruscant, despite its hustle and bustle and smog, was bearable.

Roq breathed deep that air, until he could feel every rib spread and stretch. He angled his wings and a wide, banking turn brought him back around to face the temple again. He spiraled slowly downwards, in no particular hurry. It was in this sort of rhythmic, constant motion that Roq found his deepest thoughts. Slowly, his mind returned from the sky -- from moral conundrums and self-evaluation, the qualities of the universe and the meaning of things -- to more practical considerations. Like war. And breakfast.

_____//||\\_____ For dividing the section I'd stick to a regular line, or else specify a time lapse in italics. Also if breaking my post into two halves I'd put more meat on the bones of each side.


The matter of the morning meal having been attended to, Roq elected to take the scenic route through the temple, and see what he could see. It was not that he did not have important things to do -- it was that the sort of light, mingling interaction that came out of wandering the temple was an important thing to do. He genuinely enjoyed the conversation and interaction with other Jedi, and found that it afforded him a glimpse at the more subtle issues Jedi dealt with.

In this way, Roq stumbled across a Togrutan woman he knew to be a master -- though he had entirely forgotten her name. He was terrible with names. It was genetic.

The woman grew quite still, and since she'sDo I detect a slip into the present tense? just stretched out the stillness of meditation, Roq took it to be an acknowledgement of his presence.

"Good Morning," he said. His voice filled the room suddenly, like a rush of warm air from an opening door. The Graarl's talons clicked quietly against the stones of the courtyard, though he paused politely to regard the woman.

"How is the Force this morning?"

---

And now the reply:

Teer's arms reached her side just as the newcomer spoke, in a voice she didn't recognize. That in and of itself was hardly a surprise, for multiple reasons. The Jedi Temple itself was quite large, and Master Ka had grown up and been based out of the Dantooine enclave up until recent years. Yes, she had made a name for herself on Coruscant in the meantime, teaching the occasional class of Knights, and carrying out her work.

Her work being fighting.

Others might have been content to be safe behind the walls of the Temple, but Teer ventured out from their safety on a regular basis to risk her life for the destruction of Dark Jedi and the promotion of peace in the galaxy. She took the Jedi calling as peacekeeper very seriously, and she knew the full gravity of what lay out there.

The galaxy was a dark place, and more so as of late. The Sith had returned to the galaxy, the Sith Empire plagued it with war, the Mandalorians were reemerging, the Dark Jedi and the criminals were growing bolder, and threats lurked behind every tree and boulder. Some people still seemed content to dismiss all that darkness, to write it off as some far away and distant threat that had no bearing on the daily life of the Jedi, failing to see that if it went unchecked it would subvert the entire Republic and bring everything crashing down in a hideous pile of debris.

Maybe some day the Council would realize the significance of these threats, and they'd react accordingly. On that day Teer would have more free rein to do what needed to be done, and her own contributions would be even less essential as other Jedi rose up to complement her efforts.

That would be nice, but her primary concern was still Sirius, and that tainted her answer to the voice's question. Her Padawan was of paramount importance right now, and part of her wished to be a maternal presence at his side every inch of the way. Indeed, that part had won out for days as she'd gone without food and sleep to be present with him. But over time she'd realized something else was true: he needed space and time to himself, to come to terms with what had happened.

And she'd needed that too.

Teer sighed as she turned her head to respond, ready to tell the stranger she wished to be left alone in peace, a precious commodity for her. And then she saw who it was. The dragon-like figure and proud wings spoke immediately as to the identity of the speaker, which prompted Teer to change her outlook. The Togruta Jedi rose promptly to her feet and clasped her palms together in a gesture of peace, bowing her head, montrals dipping with the movement.

"Grandmaster, it is an honor."

[Kella]

Splendid. ^^ On the matter of the morning bit, I did actually mean anticipation of morning. X] Because the next part of the post starts with him with Teer, and between that and the flying around he had to land, move some distance through the temple, (and as implied get breakfast as well), his flying around must have been sometime before the sun had begun to rise, as in your post, it said "the darkness in the sky had yet to be replaced by more than a faint glow." So instead of having his musings be in the temple I thought it'd be fun to get some flying in there. >D

And yush, liquid air. >D Air technically is a fluid, and that was my personal concession for not going overboard with some reverse-ocean metaphor and swimming around in the atmosphere.

As for the line dividers, LET ME SHOW OFF MY COMPLETELY INSIGNIFICANT AND PROBABLY PATHETIC BBC SKILLS. >.>

<.<

I am but a simple penguin. .-. At least I'm not spamming the marquee tags.

Anywho. I really try to avoid specifying times, because I feel it brings the reader out of the 'moment' and distracts them with details that, ultimately, don't matter. Which is why I try to build the time into the language of my post, like with the mention of the morning, and the mini-recap at the beginning of the second bit. Though, I do appreciate the feedback -- lets me know if that intent is actually translating into reality. X]

AND OMIGOSH YOU'RE RIGHT. .-. Though I'm afraid that was more of a slip of the finger than tense. >.< The s and the d are right next to each other, right there, sitting there, waiting to cause so much trouble.... D<

But that's enough about me. X] Your turn!

Mar 15, 2012 19:13:50 GMT -5 Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy said:

And now the reply:

Teer's arms reached her side just as the newcomer spoke, in a voice she didn't recognize. That in and of itself was hardly a surprise, for multiple reasons. The Jedi Temple itself was quite large, and Master Ka had grown up in and been based out of the Dantooine enclave up until recent years. ((I totally get what you're going for here, so it took me a moment to figure out what sounded fishy -- the grammar here is saying that "Master ka had grown up in the Dantooine Enclave up until recent years." So, saying "Master Ka had grown up in the Dantooine enclave, and been based there until recently." would make more sense. X] Another instance where the whole parallelism thing is handy. )) Yes, she had made a name for herself on Coruscant in the meantime, teaching the occasional class of Knights, and carrying out her work. ((Do you mean 'Yet', maybe? Starting a sentence with Yes usually goes, "Yes [statement], however, [something that contradicts what one would think about statement]. But there's no following contradiction here, which leaves it feeling like it's just sort of hanging. :/ ))

Her work being fighting. ((I'm personally not a fan of the past participle, (unless I'm doing a terrible Russian accent), so this really is a stylistic thing, but I think "Her work was fighting." would be more powerful/to the point.))

Others might have been content to be remain safe behind the walls of the Temple, but Teer ventured out from their safety (('safe' and 'safety' are a bit redundant here. :/ )) on a regular basis to risk her life for the destruction of Dark Jedi and the promotion of peace in the galaxy. ((Parallelism! ^^ Yay!)) She took the Jedi calling as peacekeeper very seriously, and she knew the full gravity of what lay out there in the Galaxy. (('Out there' feels really vague, and there's not really a previously established idea to allude to, so yeah, impact! >D ))

The galaxy was a dark place, and more so as of late. The Sith had returned to the galaxy, the Sith Empire plagued it with war, the Mandalorians were reemerging, the Dark Jedi and the criminals were growing bolder, and threats lurked behind every tree and boulder. Some people still seemed content to dismiss all that darkness, to write it off as some far away and distant threat that had no bearing on the daily life of the Jedi. They failed to see that if it that darkness went unchecked it would subvert the entire Republic and bring everything crashing down in a hideous pile of debris. ((I like the last bit of this sentence -- good imagery with the crashing and the pile of debris, and 'hideous' is a very nice adjective there. >D ))

Maybe some day the Council would realize the significance of these threats, and they'd would react accordingly. On that day, Teer would have more freedom rein to do what needed to be done, and her own contributions would be even less essential as other Jedi rose up to complement her efforts. ((I really like Teer's sort of humility here, that she sees herself almost as a lone crusader, but doesn't want to be so alone/so pivotal for long.))

That would be nice, but her primary concern was still Sirius, and that tainted her answer to the voice's question. Her Padawan was of paramount importance (('Paramount importance' is kind of redundant after already saying that he was her 'primary concern'. :/)) right now, and part of her wished to be a maternal presence at his side every inch of the way. Indeed, that part had won out for days as she'd gone without food and sleep to be present with him. But over time she'd realized something else was true: he needed space and time to himself, to come to terms with what had happened.

And she'd needed that too. ((This goes along with the past participle, so really a very individual stylistic thing, but I think "So did she." would be more powerful here.))

Teer sighed as she turned her head to respond, ready to tell the stranger she wished to be left alone in peace, a precious commodity for her. And then she saw who it was. The dragon-like figure and proud wings spoke immediately as to the identity of the speaker, which prompted Teer to change her outlook. The Togruta Jedi rose promptly to her feet and clasped her palms together in a gesture of peace, bowing her head, montrals dipping with the movement.

"Grandmaster, it is an honor."

The whole pronoun thing didn't even cross my mind until I randomly remembered to follow up, which is really good, which means all the pronouns/names/titles flowed nicely. ^^

The only conceptual thing I notice here -- and that might have been intentional, so if it was, disregard -- is that at first it seems like Teer's going to answer the question, then all of a sudden she's planning on telling the person to go away, which is sort of an organic thought process which might have been fully intentional, but it's just something I noticed, so yeah. xD

Anywho. ONWARD AND UPWARD! D<

---

A Graarl's eyes were highly attuned to details, and Roq's own psyche was highly attuned to the subconscious inklings of others', so he noticed quite clearly the Togrutan's change of countenance from dismissal to reverence. Roq knew that such respect was necessary to the operation of the order, and that his physically intimidating presence did not let others easily forget his station, but sometimes the Jedi did wish that the sight of him inspired more joy than anything else. He was a fun-loving sort of reptavian Jedi master.

"Grandmaster, it is an honor."

Roq watched the woman bow, a warm smile tugging at the fleshy base of his beak. In response, he too bowed, tucking one taloned claw under and dropping his head, a gesture of equal respect. Roq was still not yet used to the idea of being the Grandmaster, but he hoped that he never would be. Positions of such great influence were unnatural, and had to be treated with the highest level of care and caution. The power to change the course of the Galaxy with a few words was not something to be sought after, it was a great burden; one that Roq was honored to carry, but the weight of which would require a great number of allies and friends. And so, for that reason, there was nothing but sincerity in his bow. Roq knew he would need all the help he could get.

"Likewise," he replied, rising again. "Though that doesn't really answer my question." His voice was good-natured, encouraging, as if he was less teasing and more genuinely interested in what the woman had to say.

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

So, not really many comments for you here, just that... so short? I suppose it works, but I'm used to more bulk to posts.

And well spotted stuff on your end. This is shaping up to be more helpful than I imagined.

---

Teer blinked with surprise as the Grandmaster of the Jedi Order mirrored her own movement, essentially lowering himself to her level, proverbially of course, since she positively towered over him, though she was hardly the tallest of women herself. That was just due to the differences in their physiology, the fact she was a Togruta and he was a Graarl.

She, sadly, knew nothing of his species, and she had to admit she knew nothing of the new Grandmaster himself. He was a stranger she'd never met before, and whose reputation she was hardly aware of, a fault from her own lack of social niceties. It wasn't often, if ever, that Master Teer Ka sat down with others Jedi and drank tea while discussing the current members of the High Council. In fact, it wasn't often that she even sat down with other Jedi at all.

It was odd for someone of such a social species to be as solitary as she was, but it was a deviation that dated back as far as she could remember. She'd never been the Youngling with all the other friends, or the most popular. Her role had always been the second in command, the dutiful and skilled one. Her prestige with a blade had won her attention, and she'd used it. Teer had always been the proverbial teacher's pet, the assistant. It had given her talents the chance to flourish and her loyalties the chance to attach, to people especially.

She'd never had the chance to form any special loyalty to the Grandmaster, but as head of the Jedi Order he commanded her allegiance no matter what. In the strict hierarchy she followed, he was the absolute pinnacle. Not even the Supreme Chancellor outranked him.

Without so much as an introduction he commanded her unhesitating loyalty.

Loyalty aside, she wasn't entirely sure how to cope with his question. The Force was the Force as it had been the day before, and the day before that. There had been no cataclysmic events to change it, nothing new emerging. It was as normal as possible in such dark times. It was tempting to dismiss the question as a pleasantry, a very Jedi way of saying "Good morning, how are you today?" However it was better to take the Grandmaster too literally than to ignore him.

Master Ka closed her eyes and reached out with her senses again, trying to get a feel for just how the state of the universe was in her mind's eye. It was, exactly as she'd known, the same as the day before.

"It is clouded," She answered honestly in her rather husky voice, her subtle accent rolling the words off her tongue in a fashion that was musically lilting, the hallmark of her childhood spent on Shili, and something that spoke volumes on her preference of Togruti over Basic.

"The dark side taints the galaxy, the way it has ever since it rose to such prominence. Nothing is clear and pristine, everything is muddled, swirled with darkness where there should be light. All is not well."

Eyes as black as the night sky opened up again, a distant look in them that mingled well with the firm resolve on her jaw and the way her lips lay flush with each other. On the whole, her expression was grim as her words. Optimism was not present in her face.

[Kella]

Well, I'm currently exploring the difference between meat and fluff in posts. I've always been really good at coming up with fluff for posts (not necessarily good fluff, I just talk a lot, and ramble, and yeah. xD) and so I've been trying to get back to the essence of what's going on. I've especially been looking at authors' pacing when I read, and when do they hum right along, and when to characters pause for moments of exposition and introspection, and the like, and I've been trying to sort of apply that. So, I tend to just focus first on what's actually happening, insofaras what are the other characters also experiencing, and then if my character would have a thought I find particularly interesting, I'll go ahead and right that, but otherwise, I've been making an active effort to be more active and less passive with what it is I choose to write about in a post. That's the general gist of my thought process, anyway, just so you know I'm not intentionally skimping out on you. xD

Mar 16, 2012 2:06:42 GMT -5 Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy said:

Teer blinked with surprise as the Grandmaster of the Jedi Order mirrored her own movement, essentially lowering himself to her level. Proverbially of course, since she positively towered over him, though she was hardly the tallest of women herself. ((This last clause is mildly awkward, but I can't think of any corrections that wouldn't be totally stylistic, so I thought I'd just sort of mention it instead. X] )) That was just due to the differences in their physiology, the fact she was a Togruta and he was a Graarl.

She, Sadly, Teer knew nothing of his species, and she had to admit she knew nothing of the new Grandmaster himself. He was a stranger she'd never met before, and whose reputation she was hardly aware of, a fault from her own lack of social niceties. It wasn't often, if ever, that Master Teer Ka sat down with others Jedi and drank tea while discussing the current members of the High Council. In fact, it wasn't often that she even sat down with other Jedi at all. ((Another nice bit of parallelism. :] ))

It was odd for someone of such a social species to be as solitary as she was, but it was a deviation that dated back as far as she could remember. She'd never been the Youngling with all the other friends, or the most popular. Her role had always been the second in command, the dutiful and skilled one. Her prestige with a blade had won her attention, and she'd used it. Teer had always been the proverbial teacher's pet, the assistant. It had given her talents the chance to flourish and her loyalties the chance to attach, to people especially.

She'd Teer had never had the chance to form any special loyalty to the Grandmaster, but as head of the Jedi Order he commanded her allegiance no matter what. ((It sort of feels that the, 'but as head...' is going to apply to Teer, grammatically, but there's enough context in that latter clause that it's not confusing, and I don't really think there's anything grammatically wrong with it, so again, just thought I'd sort of mention it. xD )) In the strict hierarchy that she followed, he was the absolute pinnacle. Not even the Supreme Chancellor outranked him.

Without so much as an introduction he commanded her unhesitating loyalty. ((This has looooooovely impact. ^^ ))

Loyalty aside, she wasn't entirely sure how to cope with respond to his question. The Force was the Force as it had been the day before, and the day before that. There had been no cataclysmic events to change it, nothing new emerging. It was as normal as possible in such dark times. It was tempting Teer was tempted to dismiss the question as a pleasantry, a very Jedi way of saying "Good morning, how are you today?" However it was better to take the Grandmaster too literally than to ignore him.

Master Ka closed her eyes and reached out with her senses again, trying to get a feel for just how the state of the universe was in her mind's eye. It was, exactly as she'd known, the same as the day before.

"It is clouded," She answered honestly in her rather husky voice, her subtle accent rolling the words off her tongue in a fashion that was musically lilting, the hallmark of her childhood spent on Shili, and something that spoke volumes on her preference of Togruti over Basic.

"The dark side taints the galaxy, the way it has ever since it rose to such prominence. Nothing is clear and pristine, everything is muddled, swirled with darkness where there should be light. All is not well."

Eyes as black as the night sky opened up again, a distant look in them that mingled well with the firm resolve on her jaw and the way her lips lay flush with each other. On the whole, her expression was grim as her words. Optimism was not present in her face.

Shiny! ^^ Nowmyturn.

---

Roq listened attentively to the woman's words. It was far too easy, being in a position so inundated with the Force and its philosophies and presumptions and predictions and presentations, to forget that the Force might appear different to someone unmired by so many political obligations.

This time, however, Roq's concern was validated in that he had been sensing the very same trends, so as the woman finished he nodded solemnly.

"To say that the Force is muddled is a very apt observation. The way I see it," he said, in a tone that made as many of his students groan as brighten, "In many ways, the Force is like a pond."

Roq moved slightly around the woman, and gestured to the small pool behind her, one of many such fixtures in the courtyard. Each grain of sand could be seen under the crystalline water.

"Sometimes, the world is still, and all is clear. A rather rare occurrence," he said, somewhat ruefully. "Other times, a ripple pricks the surface," Roq dipped a talon at the edge of the water, "But one only has to dip beneath the surface, to see that all is clear again. This is the usual state of things. However, there are times like now..." Roq drug his talons along the base of the pool, stirring up a cloud of sand that billowed outwards through the water. He lifted his talons from the pool and as they dripped, the path of the sand was reflected in his large, clear eyes.

"As you said, all is muddled. The darkness and the light are always there in the same proportion, as the water and the sand, but sometimes distinguishing the one from the other is more difficult than at other times. I feel that that uncertainty, more than the proportion of the darkness, is the most dangerous threat..." Roq trailed off, speaking more then to the water than to the woman. His expression was rarely so grave as it was in that moment.

But then his eyes softened, and he blinked the reflection of the sand away, turning back to the Togruta.

"Well, now you know what troubles me," he said with a kind smile, "What troubles you?"

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

OK, I've got nothing to contribute here. So I'll just post instead.

---

Teer followed the Grandmaster's movement with her eyes, scrutinizing his every movement as if it would reveal clues as to the nature of the universe. Of course he was simply disrupting the water to make a point, turning it into an impromptu visual aid to assist in illustrating his thoughts. That was something she'd done countless times herself, though she often felt as if it fell on deaf ears.

The Togruta Weapons Master understood his point quite readily without any need for further explanation. That didn't mean she agreed.

To her mind, the danger was the proportion, the prominence the dark side now commanded. There was too much evil, and it had to be purged for the good of the light. Even if one solitary flame could hold back darkness, it didn't mean that was advisable. Darkness was supposed to exist as a shadow, one that could be burned away by enough brightness. In Teer's mind, it was the role of the Jedi to be that light that drove away the dark.

If it wasn't possible to do that, then it meant her entire life had been wasted in a futile quest. That wasn't something she was prepared to accept, and she had every intention of clinging to her convictions until the day she became one with the Force, a day that was hopefully decades away.

Teer was highly cognizant of her own mortality. Every life she took reinforced the notion that eventually she would pass on, and all she could hope for was a strong legacy. Posterity was going to be determined by her actions though rather than her thoughts though, and she had high hopes that her successful Padawans would provide that, continuing in her methods of training and instruction, cherishing her lessons, and carrying on with her work.

Was it merely coincidence that brought her train of thought back to her Padawan even as the Grandmaster asked what was troubling her? Perhaps, or perhaps it was some subtle thread of the Force. Regardless, she saw no reason not to answer honestly.

Her thumb traced the recent notches in her saber as a series of faces passed through her mind, culminating in that of her own Padawan in pain. She winced as well as she described the circumstances.

"On a recent mission to Umbara I engaged an enclave of Dark Jedi with my Padawan. I had presumed his training was enough, that I had prepared him adequately, but my training failed him and he lost his arm to a lightsaber. I feel responsible, and I should have protected him better from harm."

It was, she mused tiredly, one more failure in a life filled with too many already. Yes, Sirius hadn't died, but that didn't change the fact this hadn't been the wholesale victory she'd labored for. It was a victory for the Jedi Order, with the destruction of an entire enclave of Dark Jedi, but for her personally... It stung. It tasted like a defeat.

"I should at least feel satisfied that the mission was a success, but I don't. Everything tastes bitter, and I feel weary. Drained."

What was left unsaid was spoken through the look on her face, a set jaw and eyes that stared down at the ground rather than into the eyes of her fellow Jedi. I am responsible. His blood is on my hands.

[Kella]

Mar 17, 2012 0:28:35 GMT -5 Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy said:

Teer followed the Grandmaster's movement with her eyes, scrutinizing his every movement as if it would reveal clues as to the nature of the universe. Of course he was simply disrupting the water to make a point, turning it into an impromptu visual aid to assist in illustrating his thoughts. That was something she'd Teer had done countless times herself, though she often felt as if it fell on deaf ears. ((It's not totally clear what 'That' is referring to here. Disturbing the water to make a point? Just impromptu visual demonstrations in general?))

The Togruta Weapons Master understood his point quite readily without any need for further explanation. Though that didn't mean she agreed.

To her mind, the danger was ((Feels like a good place for itallics for emphasis)) the proportion -- the prominence the dark side now commanded. There was too much evil, and it had to be purged for the good of the light. Even if one solitary flame could hold back the darkness, it didn't mean that that was advisable. ((Technically the ellipsis would be fine here, but I think it flows better without. Even though you get a 'that that'. X) But that's how people talk. Anyway.)) Darkness was supposed to exist as a shadow, one that could be burned away by enough brightness. ((The first part sets up for a different sort of image than the second follows through with. So, if darkness is supposed to be as a shadow, then you're going to want to say something like, "Existing only in the few places the blinding light cannot reach," or "Only to outline the brightness of the light." 'cause the idea that the darkness can be banished by enough light actually doesn't contradict the other philosophy --- it's exactly the crux of the candle bit. So you want to focus the imagery onto wat the light should do, not what it can do, 'cause what it can do is sort of a given.)) In Teer's mind, it was the role of the Jedi to be that light that drove away the dark. ((This also doesn't really contradict with the candle imagery, though the way it's structured indicates that it's sort of supposed to. I get what teer's going, for, though -- so maybe you could say something like, 'The light was not some passive medium for the darkness, like the water and the sand. The Jedi were meant to be an active force, burning the darkness out.' Or something. >.>))

If it wasn't possible to do that, ((It's not obvious what 'it' is, and what 'that' is, so this is one instance when you'd want to find some way to restate the nouns, without it being redundant.)) then it((What's it?)) meant her entire life had been wasted in a futile quest. That ((What's that?)) wasn't something she was prepared to accept, and she had every intention of clinging to her convictions until the day she became one with the Force, a day that was hopefully decades away. Hopefully not any time soon. ((Always good to see chars in denial of cognitive dissonance. >D))

Teer was highly cognizant of her own mortality. Every life she took reinforced the notion that eventually she would pass on. ((Verynice. ^^)) and All she could hope for was a strong legacy. Posterity was going to be determined by her actions, not her though rather than her thoughts though, and she had high hopes that her successful Padawans would provide that, continuing in her methods of training and instruction, cherishing her lessons, and carrying on with her work. ((Given that Teer's only 1/4 at this point, you might want to make the 'successful padawans' either singular or more hypothetical.))

Was it merely coincidence that brought her train of thought back to her Padawan even just as the Grandmaster asked what was troubling her? Perhaps, or perhaps it was some subtle thread of the Force. Regardless, she Teer saw no reason not to answer honestly.

Her thumb traced the recent notches in her saber as a series of faces passed through her mind, culminating in that of her own Padawan in pain. She winced as well as she described the circumstances.

"On a recent mission to Umbara I engaged an enclave of Dark Jedi with my Padawan. I had presumed his training was enough, that I had prepared him adequately, but my training failed him and he lost his arm to a lightsaber. ((What exactly he lost his arm to is not quie as important as who he lost it to.)) I feel responsible, and I should have protected him better from harm."

It was, she mused tiredly, one more failure in a life filled with too many already. (y) Yes, Sirius hadn't died, but that didn't change the fact this ((What's 'this'?)) hadn't been the wholesale victory she'd labored for. It was a victory for the Jedi Order, with the destruction of an entire enclave of Dark Jedi, but for her personally... It stung. It tasted like a defeat.

"I should at least feel satisfied that the mission was a success, but I don't. Everything tastes bitter, and I feel weary. Drained."

What was left unsaid was spoken through the look on her face, a set jaw and eyes that stared down at the ground rather than into the eyes of her fellow Jedi. I am responsible. His blood is on my hands.

A couple persistent issues with pronouns and what they refer to (this/that), and the only reason I say any more is to add that I am terrible about that. >.> It’s way easier to notice those when you’re reading someone else’s work than your own, and that’s one of the more consistent pieces of feedback I get on my essays. X) B’yeah, thought that might have come off snippish up there, but really I was just trying not to ramble, which I’m doing now. >.>

<.< Anyway.

---

Roq noted the brush of the woman’s thumb over the notches of her saber, the subtle furrow of her brow, the way her words weighed down the edges of her mouth. These were incredibly subtle, subconscious details, but that was Roq’s specialty.

He listened carefully, but did not respond immediately. He weighed first the various unspoken messages to be heard, and then the various spoken things to say. The Graarl’s head was tilted to one side, brow furrowed slightly, eyes searching the Master for more hidden words. After a long moment, he drew a long breath.

“You know...” he began, with some hesitation, “I was not always the paragon of goodness that I am.” A bit of drama played on the words, self-mocking. “There was a time, when my pride rather got the best of me. Mind you, it wasn’t some young fit of rashness -- we all have and regret those. I was already a master then, and should have known better -- the allure of the darkness is deceptively strong at times.” Roq’s tone had a genuine timbre to it, almost a rawness. This was hardly some rehearsed testimony, and a far cry from any lecture.

“Two years. For two years, I was the farthest thing from a Jedi. The latter year I was a crime lord, of all things.” Roq huffed almost a chuckle at this, a raw, puzzled noise at the ridiculousness of it all. “I honestly do not remember how many lives I took -- though I wish I could say I did. I wish I could say each face haunts me in my dreams, reminds me of what I was. But... they’re all a blur. I simply didn’t care enough to remember them. That is the most frightening thing of all, to me.” Roq sighed deeply.

“But, I am the Jedi I am today because of that. That... horrible failure, prevented me from failing in far more numerous, smaller ways in the years since. And it is that sort of slow, subtle failure -- a Jedi with all the appearances and policies in order, but without the true spirit that is the greatest threat. Which sounds as if I’m saying all that horrible death was worth it so I could be a better Jedi, but I can’t say that at all. What is true, though, is that the Force works in... strange ways, at times. If there was not some ultimate purpose in that failure, or in my existence at all, well then I daresay I wouldn’t have come to be.” Roq paused once more, carefully gathering his words.

“Have you considered, that perhaps... there is something larger than simply a training failure occurring here. Perhaps, through this trial, your Padawan will learn something that is vital to the purpose he is to serve to the Force, or that he will find within himself some hidden strength, that might define his life. And perhaps there is something for you to learn, as well, some revelation the Force waits to grant you. You might look back, in many years, and see this as a lynchpin in the growth of greatness. Or you may never see its impact at all, though it is there. Now, that’s hardly to make light of the situation -- or indicate that it ought to be all sunshine and roses. But... hopefully it can give some purpose to the pain.

“Clay is easily shaped, but it is useless unless hardened by fire.”

Roq tilted his head the other way, intent on listening. Here was a woman at a great crossroads in life, a great junction between struggle and greatness. Roq spoke not out of any assumption that he could help the woman -- only because he knew it was his duty to try.

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

OK, still got nothing to contribute.
Q: Who mentors the mentor?
A: Not me?

---

Teer stared at the Grandmaster with a face that wasn't amused by his attempt at humor. Some people tried to inject it into things, to ease something otherwise serious with a little bit of levity. The Togruta Weapons Master had never been one to dilute serious moments and words with humor, which wasn't to say she was humorless. Her own sense of humor was rather a clever one, with a certain appreciation for wit and irony, but it didn't come out much. She could count the number of times she laughed in a month on two hands, and she had to admit no one expected it of her anyway. Master Ka was a serious woman, skilled and capable. She was never seen as a frivolous one or a comedian.

As the Grandmaster continued, she had to admit to feeling both surprise at his words and the annoying knowledge that in one respect she was superior. Her track record had only one single blemish when it came to the Rules, a one night stand as a fresh young Knight. She'd never fallen to the Dark Side, and she'd never left the Order.

Did Teer look down on the Graarl Jedi for his failings? No. She was duty-bound to look up to him, even if at the time as equals she would have found his actions distasteful, and possibly even been assigned to hunt him down and deal with him. But she didn't feel any contempt for him, merely a slightly uncomfortable sensation that resulted in shifting her weight a little.

Another difference was their stance on deaths. Presumably the Grandmaster had changed his outlook since his redemption, but even in Teer's darkest moments she could remember every second of every one of her thirty-plus duels, and the faces were always there. The notches she machined into her saber were just a formalized way of recording them, a substance to hang the memory onto. It was just as much a memory as the headdress of akul teeth she wore, both arguably trophies. Neither were in her estimation though.

His next point was something that prompted her full lips to slide into a frown. He claimed, foolishly in her opinion, that Jedi without the proper spirit were the greatest threat. Since the Sith had done more harm to the Jedi Order in the past few years than the Order had ever done to itself in generations, she was inclined to dismiss his stance. There were serious external threats lurking, with a war to be worried about. The last thing the Jedi could afford to do was to have a search for the proper spirit of things. That was the kind of thing that would be impossible to counter, subjective to judge, and divert attention away from the Dark Jedi and the Sith.

And what he moved on to was scarcely better.

He was rationalizing failure. You could dress up something bad however you wanted, but that didn't make it good. Was there some higher purpose to everything that ever happened? Maybe, maybe not. Teer wasn't sure of that, but what she was sure of was that a crippling injury was bad. The only upside she could think of to it was that Sirius' Trial of Flesh had been completed, and that thought made her feel like a carrion bird pecking at sun-scorched flesh.

As to clay? Experience was fire for the ovens. Teer had put Sirius through a crucible of training, specifically so that he could avoid injury like this. She'd been giving him combat experience to fulfill his needs, to harden the clay that she'd spent so much time molding.

Purpose or not, she didn't wish it on him, and if she had the option to take it back... She would, without hesitation. She sighed and rubbed her eyes, noticing how tired she felt. The past days hadn't been kind to her at all.

The sigh was also apt for another reason. How did you react when the Grandmaster of the Jedi Order delivered philosophy you didn't lend much credence to? It would be rude to disagree, which left her with little more option than to remain silent.

Finally she nodded and stared up at the blue sky, one hand absentmindedly tracing the white scar on the left side of her face, thinking back to her own Trial of Flesh. She had emerged disfigured, but with the use of all her limbs. That was a luxury Sirius didn't have.

"He's alive, and out of danger now. That's a blessing I suppose. But it's hard to see this as somehow beneficial. I can hardly bear to look at his arm now, and I feel so guilty. Lesson or not, fire to the clay or not, this doesn't change the way I feel."

Teer's hand fell to her side limply and she eyed her boots again, contemplating putting them on again. She decided against it for now.

[Kella]

Mar 20, 2012 2:01:06 GMT -5 Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy said:

Teer stared at the Grandmaster with a face that wasn't amused by his attempt at humor. Some people tried to inject it into things, to ease something otherwise serious with a little bit of levity. The Togruta Weapons Master had never been one to dilute serious moments and words with humor, which wasn't to say she was humorless. Her own sense of humor was rather a clever one, with a certain appreciation for wit and irony, but it didn't come out much. She could count the number of times she laughed in a month on two hands, and she had to admit no one expected it of her anyway. Master Ka was a serious woman, skilled and capable. She was never seen as a frivolous one or a comedian.

As the Grandmaster continued, she had to admit to feeling both surprise at his words and the annoying knowledge that in one respect she was superior. Her track record had only one single blemish when it came to the Rules, a one night stand as a fresh young Knight. She'd never fallen to the Dark Side, and she'd never left the Order.

Did Teer look down on the Graarl Jedi for his failings? No. She was duty-bound to look up to him, even if at the time as equals ((The phrasing here is ever so slightly awkward, though it's pretty subtle and only stood out because the rest of the post has flowed so well. xD)) she would have found his actions distasteful((Distasteful is an understatement. >.> <.<)), and possibly even been assigned to hunt him down and deal with him. But she didn't feel any contempt for him, merely a slightly uncomfortable sensation that resulted in shifting her weight a little.

Another difference was their stance on deaths. Presumably the Grandmaster had changed his outlook since his redemption, but even in Teer's darkest moments she could remember every second of every one of her thirty-plus duels, and the faces were always there. The notches she machined into her saber were just a formalized way of recording them, a substance to hang the memory onto. It was just as much a memory as the headdress of akul teeth she wore, both arguably trophies. Neither were in her estimation though.

His next point was something that prompted her full lips to slide into a frown. He claimed, foolishly in her opinion, that Jedi without the proper spirit were the greatest threat. Since the Sith had done more harm to the Jedi Order in the past few years than the Order had ever done to itself in generations, she was inclined to dismiss his stance. There were serious external threats lurking, with a war to be worried about. The last thing the Jedi could afford to do was to have a search for the proper spirit of things. That was the kind of thing that would be impossible to counter, subjective to judge, and divert attention away from the Dark Jedi and the Sith. ((Interesting perspective, I love character-philosophy-conflict. >D (y) ))

And what he moved on to was scarcely better. ((Very good effect here, setting this bit apart.))

He was rationalizing failure. You could dress up something bad however you wanted, but that didn't make it good. Was there some higher purpose to everything that ever happened? Maybe, maybe not. Teer wasn't sure of that, but what she was sure of was that a crippling injury was bad. The only upside she could think of to it was that Sirius' Trial of Flesh had been completed, and that thought made her feel like a carrion bird pecking at sun-scorched flesh.

As to clay? Experience was fire for the ovens. Teer had put Sirius through a crucible of training, specifically so that he could avoid injury like this. She'd been giving him combat experience to fulfill his needs, to harden the clay that she'd spent so much time molding.

Purpose or not, she didn't wish it on him, and if she had the option to take it back... She would, without hesitation. She sighed and rubbed her eyes, noticing how tired she felt. The past days hadn't been kind to her at all.

The sigh was also apt for another reason. How did you react when the Grandmaster of the Jedi Order delivered philosophy you didn't lend much credence to? It would be rude to disagree, which left her with little more option than to remain silent.

Finally she nodded and stared up at the blue sky, one hand absentmindedly tracing the white scar on the left side of her face, thinking back to her own Trial of Flesh. She had emerged disfigured, ((Generally when I read 'disfigured' I think, like, mauled by a mountain lion or scaring children or missing chunks of flesh or eyeballs or that sort of thing. x3 So it doesn't quite fit to apply it to Sherasti's facial scar. Which, while a large scar, is not really disfiguring. Pet peeve of sorts. >.>)) but with the use of all her limbs. That was a luxury Sirius didn't have.

"He's alive, and out of danger now. That's a blessing I suppose. But it's hard to see this as somehow beneficial. I can hardly bear to look at his arm now, and I feel so guilty. Lesson or not, fire to the clay or not, this doesn't change the way I feel."

Teer's hand fell to her side limply and she eyed her boots again, contemplating putting them on again. She decided against it for now.

Your sentence flow/phrasing is definitely much smoother now. ^^ (y) Also, you've got a good balance of internal/external detail, since all her musings are relevant and follow directly, one to the other. Definitely a solid post. =D

---

The woman's great weariness was clear, and Roq could understand the full weight of her burden. His heart ached for the woman and her padawan, and he silently bid the Force bring them peace. But he also bid them wisdom, for peace so often came from wisdom.

This woman, by her words and tone, had made it clear that she would have to find her own wisdom. Roq only hoped that his words would remain as seeds in her mind, waiting, dormant, until she was ready to understand them.

"I understand," Roq said, nodding. "But perhaps think about it this way. It is obvious that you care deeply for your Padawan, and that you want to do what is best for him. In many ways, you want to make it up to him. To right your wrongs.

"You cannot right a wrong by committing a worse one. And in your guilt, you do." Roq raised a to preemptively silence any protest. "I know that your heart is in the right place -- I can sense it. So hear me out.

"Your Padawan needs you right now. You are his example, you are his model of how a Jedi is to relate to the world. How you react to this trial, this tragedy... is how he will. And is how he will continue to treat tragedy, for much of his life.

"I know this seems like an immense amount of pressure, and hardly makes you feel any better. You know he needs you, you want to do what is right, you don't want to feel the way that you do, but you are unsure of how to feel any different.

"You are strong." There was an intense earnestness in his tone, an eagerness for the woman to understand, to comprehend, to realize. "I can sense it in your connection to the Force. Give your Padawan what wisdom you can, even if you do not feel it. Say it, even if you do not feel it. Believe it, even if you do not feel it. Know it, even if you do not feel it, because if you put your faith in the Force, it will not be long before knowing is feeling.

"That is the reason behind the Jedi's emphasis on forgoing feelings. It is not so much about not feeling them -- it is very dangerous to cease feeling. But it is moreso about not letting one's feelings control oneself, moreso about putting conviction ahead of emotion.

"Your feelings are valid. Your guilt is natural, and speaks to your ability to face hard truths. I'd be concerned if you felt anything else. But do not let your feelings define you. And do not let your feelings define your Padawan's future. You cannot feel hope if you do not believe in it first. And hope is what your Padawan needs right now."

Roq finally settled back, retucking his wings out of habit. The woman hadn't really asked for his advice, but he'd been compelled to give it anyway. He was content to wait to be called upon. But this time, he had been called upon -- more by the quiet prompting of the Force than the woman herself. Her opinion of him was of less concern than the burden she bore.

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

(Nothing to add to yours)

Perhaps, Teer mused, the Grandmaster was right. Sirius would be looking at her right now to be an example, to show him what a Jedi was supposed to do when confronted with a grievous injury. Maybe someday he would have a Padawan injured similarly and need an example to fall back upon, and if she didn’t provide it… What then? Who else would?

Yes. This was her responsibility, which meant more than just seeing it through. It meant taking charge of it and owning it. With a look of determination and a gritted jaw, Teer Ka nodded. Her face was definitely grim, but it had a solid expression, and the resolve showed in her voice.

“Yes, you are right. My place as a Jedi Master is by my Padawan’s side. I will instruct him to the best of my ability…”

Internally, Teer wondered just how extensive that ability was now, and whether or not she hadn’t slipped since her last Padawan. Or perhaps she’d just been lucky with the materials she’d had to work with. Whether or not that was the case wasn’t something she had the luxury of worrying about. Some Jedi mid-career crisis wouldn’t aid her at all, and she didn’t need the nagging self-doubt that would come with it. Teer needed confidence, now more than ever.

“Thank you Grandmaster. If you will excuse me, I must go to my Padawan now. He needs me.”

(And I think that wraps up my end of this)

[Kella]

Jun 20, 2012 13:28:40 GMT -5 Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy said:

Perhaps, Teer mused, the Grandmaster was right. ((I generally feel that muse has a more neutral, kind of philosophical connotation, that someone is thinking about something in a pretty emotionally neutral manner. This is definitely a really subjective word choice thing, but I feel like something with a bit more emotional a connotation might capture the mood a little better. Maybe 'considered', but that isn't really more emotional so much as less philosophical, so, yeah, that wasn't really very helpful. x3 )) Sirius would be looking at her right now to be an example, to show him what a Jedi was supposed to do when confronted with a grievous injury. Maybe someday he would have a Padawan injured similarly and need an example to fall back upon, and if she didn’t provide it… What then? Who else would?

Yes. This was her responsibility, which meant more than just seeing it through. It meant taking charge of it and owning it. With a look of determination and a gritted jaw, Teer Ka nodded. Her face was definitely grim, but it had a solid expression, and the resolve showed in her voice.

“Yes, you are right. My place as a Jedi Master is by my Padawan’s side. I will instruct him to the best of my ability…”

Internally, Teer wondered just how extensive that ability was now, and whether or not she hadn’t slipped since her last Padawan. Or perhaps she’d just been lucky with the materials she’d had to work with. Whether or not that was the case wasn’t something she had the luxury of worrying about. Some Jedi mid-career crisis wouldn’t aid her at all, and she didn’t need the nagging self-doubt that would come with it. Teer needed confidence, now more than ever.

“Thank you Grandmaster. If you will excuse me, I must go to my Padawan now. He needs me.”

This has been a lovely thread. =D Hopefully I haven't been too unbearable. >.> I always enjoy getting to write philosophical waxings, so I hope you enjoyed it to. x3 Anywho, let's plop a bow on this thing and call it wrapped up!

---

Roq nodded in to her thanks, replying with a warm "Anytime."

As she turned to leave, Roq bowed, and though his voice was quiet it echoed through the room. "May the Force be with you."

He turned then to gaze at the pool, as the Togruta woman stayed true to her word, and left to attend to her Padawan.

He watched the water until it became entirely clear, the sand settled and the surface impossibly smooth. It was not long before Roq spied the smallest of ripples in the water, visible only to the sharp eyes of a Graarl. The first stirrings of the temple.

The ripples grew, and soon followed the noise, as the pathways that surrounded the courtyard filled with Jedi. The babble of voices rustled through Roq's bones, and uncovered an ever-present thought.

As Grandmaster, he was responsible for each of those voices. Each of those souls. For guiding them, for protecting them, for giving them the strength to stand in harm's way. It was easy to become overwhelmed by the number. To either consider the Jedi as one coherent being, or to reduce them to a collection of smaller ones as one might regard bantha. But both were terrible mistakes. No, being Grandmaster was about getting to know the Jedi as people. Understanding their struggles and joys and the full swing of their personality. It was about moments like this morning, taking the time to engage an individual.

Obviously, knowing every Jedi on a personal level was impossible. But if you don't shoot for the moon, you'll never land among the stars, the old proverb went. Or had he read that on a greeting-holo? Roq couldn't remember. Either way, it was accurate.

A voice drew Roq out of his musings, and Roq looked up to see a Wroonian youngling rocketing towards him. The boy attacked him with a hug, and Roq rolled dramatically onto his back, boy settling onto his belly. He giggled and Roq smiled brightly.

"Good morning Roq!" he shouted triumphantly.

"Good morning Kip," Roq thrummed. "How is the Force this morning?"

Kip's face twisted into deep thought, and he bit his lip. But then his expression suddenly glowed with epiphany.

"It is good." He said simply.

Roq huffed, blowing the boy's hair out of his face and making him giggle. He then grinned widely.

He spoke quietly, as the babble of the temple grew louder.

"That's what I like to hear."