Mika'ari Taris - Padawan

[neon]

Name: Mikaari'ataris, styled Mikaaria Taris for common tongue. Or shortened even more to just 'Mika'
Race: Twi'lek
Age: 12
Height: 4'10
Weight: 95 lbs

Appearance: Mika'ari is a Lethan Twi'lek, the rarest of all the forms of Twi'lek and generally only seen in the company of exceedingly wealthy business men and, well, perverts also. What makes Mika'ari even more unique is that she has a rather unknown skin pigmentation causing her typical deep red colored skin to instead becoming a rather subtle pink coloring as a newborn. She is very good looking, having soft to the touch skin, typical arm-length lekku and slightly pointed ears, an oddity to her people. She has long, feminine eyelashes and bright green eyes, as well as pronounced yet slightly pouty lips and a thin nose with a slightly pronounced upturn to it, almost a perfect little button.

She wears in both of her lekku soft white ribbons which twist handsomely around each, ending in a small chain at the end of each lekku. The chain connects each lekku and seems to be melded to look like a braid of hair, signifying her rank as a Padawan. Upon her head and connected to the other end of both rinnons is a small headband, colored black and with silver tassles on the end of each. These tassles signify her parents despite the fact she has never actually met them, and thus are significantly important to her; She wears them with pride.

In terms of clothing she wears the typical Padawan gear; A white off-grey shirt with matching trousers down to the ankle, brown or black boots, and two layers of white or grey robe covering the initial first layers of clothing which are then tied tightly lengthways and seperated by a fastened brown belt with a small silver buckle connecting the two halves of the belt.

Personality: She is said to be highly intelligent and seemed to possess some of the highest testing scores in the Jedi Academy as a youngling, which can sometimes give her a big head. She is generally very forth-coming and is never bashful in her comments; If it is to be said, Mika'ari will definately say it. It will take a lot to shock her, she is usually unfazed in the face of danger or horror. However, she is a twelve-year-old Twi'lek female, and because of this and her intelligence she becomes rather bored easily, preferring to have some form of manual task to occupy her time than meditating or reading.

She is somewhat inpulsive and prefers to do things her own way, even if it sometimes breaks the Jedi codes; Some people can only be persuaded by somewhat underhanded or barbarian tactics. Because of this she is sometimes nicknamed 'Gray' because of her tendancies to act like a gray jedi to complete missions. She would never willingly betray the order, but her impulses make it difficult to stop herself. She is very kind and thoughtful as most of her kind are, and will -generally- never lose her cool unless her master is in danger, in which case she blatantly turns into a psychopath and would literally do anything to save him.

As of this she is fiercely loyal and courageous, two traits that make her something of the 'perfect jedi' archtype; Well, if you don't take into account her other personality traits. She is prone to childish overconfidence; Granted she is quite talented for a Padawan and has a lot of unlocked potential, but she seems to think she can easily take on the world and their masters with ease, something that is likely to get her in trouble in the near future, she believes strongly in her masters teachings and will not stand any other person downplaying his abilities, which would annoy her greatly. She is known to disregard her own safety in the place of others, and will readily give her own body as a shield for an unarmed person if need be, and in this way is exceedingly selfless to a tee.

When in combat she has a tendancy to always take the offensive; 'The best defence is a good -saber to the face- is definately her motto, granted she changes her motto like she changes her clothing but, still. In reality, Mika'ari is something of a little hero, she would readily dive into the middle of a sith brigade to give her comrades time to retreat without anything of a second thought, and while some might think this to be idiotic, some may also see it as perfectly heroic and brave; Even in a world of entirely brave heroes, Mika definately stands out. She prefers not to remember names, as her memory definately isn't the best, and has a little habit of calling her master 'Tats' in reminiscense of his many and varied tattoo's, though she does know his name well.

She has fair skill with leadership, talented and charismatic, but as usual she thinks she can do every single job herself, sometimes leading troops to just sort of..forget her orders, because generally she would have done most them herself by the end of the day. Though, she can be bossy, overbaring, childish yet mothering at one incredibly upsetting time, neurotic and childishly cruel in equal degree; So, in theory, a generally balanced personality. If you give her a reason to hate you, you'll have very bad enemy, but make her your friend and you've gained a powerful, or at least talented, ally.

Finally, she has a great amount of natural talent in the works of mechanics. As of now, being as she has had little training her skills are slightly slack and she relies mostly on this natural talent than any actual training or other resource to practice and fix random things; A passing joke with her is when things are going generally bad Mika'ari will simply state "Well. If this Jedi thing doesn't work out, 'least I can fix your stuff for a living."

Birth place: Ryloth

Faction: Jedi
Rank: Padawan

Lightsaber: Just a simple, uncustomised training saber.
Color: Light Green
Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho (2)
Makashi (0)
Soresu (0)
Ataru (0)
Shien / Djem So (0)
>>Sub-form Backhanded
Niman (0)
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield
Juyo (0)
Double Bladed Combat (0)

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 4
Telepathic: 2
Body: 1
Sense: 1
Protection: 2
Healing: 3
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills: N/A

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 3
Intelligence: 5
Speed: 5
Leadership: 4

Unarmed: 2
Melee Weapons: 1
Ranged Weapons: 1

Force Attunement: + 3.

Bio: Ryloth. Dry, harsh, almost inhospitable to all but the hardiest of races. A small tribe of Twi'lek gathered around their ancient mountain-side homes in preperation for their nightly rituals and rest. Two of them however were rather anxious for that specific night; A male and a female sat close in a small enclave on the east side of the mountain, nearest the bottom, a rather dank and garish home if there ever was one. The male and female were anxious for a reason, their first child was on the way as they sat there, and just a few hours later a small bundle of pink flesh with rather sweet, large eyes sat upon her mothers breast. At the moment of her birth, fireworks were set upon the sky, created of old gunpowder that had not been used for thousands of years, but then her clan was never the most technological people.

And so, the couple named their child after the first thing she saw, Mikaari'ataris, meaning bright firework in Twi'leki; The clan-name meaning Bright and her given meaning Firework. Mikaari'ataris was raised in traditional customs, blessed by the elders and with many odd rituals. The oddest moment of her young life took place one night a few weeks after her birth when a rare Rutian Jedi appeared in the steppes surrounding the mountainside, and when asked about his presence here simply stated "All shall be revealed, Brother/Sister" before returning to his meditation. The only information he did give the community as a whole was a name: 'Karask'. However, none of the Twi'lek who heard of him ever dove deeper into the situation, and none truly knew if this was his real name or not.

Approximately one week later, a month after the child was born and all the needed preperations had taken place according to tradition, the Jedi made his way up the steppes and into the mountain home of the two.

He spoke to the couple and told them of their daughter, he told them that their child was extremely sensitive to a thing named 'The Force', a mystical semi-entity which did infact guide all beings, even those not connected to it by will. He performed a test using a small kit he drew from his robes, and detected with great shock that the youngling has a midi-chlorian count that was incredibly high for a Twi'lek, and thus Mika'ari was indentified as a Force-Sensitive. Hearing this, but with great sorrow, the parents allowed the Jedi to take and care for the youngling as his own as he made his way back to a nearby onclave.

However, Mika was quite sick as a child, and as such was unable to be taken from Ryloth until her body was strong enough to survive the journey. Purely for this reason the council allowed Karask to keep Mika on Ryloth for that year, allowing her body to grow to a point where she could be taken from the planet safely.

Shortly after her first birthday, Mika'ari was brought by Karask to the Jedi temple upon Coruscant, and by a stroke of pure luck was allowed the time to raise her partly because of his ability to stay upon the planet for the purpose of his current assignment. They raised the girl well, and taught her properly in the ways of her own kind and those of others, giving her the knowledge from a young age on how to speak Ryl and Lekku as he taught her Basic speak, and because of these acts her path to knowledge began rather early. Karask traveled back and forth between his assignments and Coruscant, but never actually interacted with Mika for fear of her attaching herself to him.

At age three, like most other younglings, Mika'ari was placed into a group based on her current age range when she arrived, and so was placed in the eldest group. Here she learnt from her clan-mates and in turn taught them what little knowledge she had. Throughout the years that passed as her road to becoming a fully-fledged Jedi loomed, Karask still sometimes saw Mika from afar and heard of her sometimes reckless expoilts in the academy, but by the time she began to truly see the world around her for what it was, he had left her. He began to seperate her from himself as she began to grow older.

She pushed herself far harder than before as she learnt a few weeks later that he had been killed by enemy forces saving a group of unarmed civilians in a battle on her home planet. Having been dealt such a blow, Mika'ari realised that sorrow would only lead her down a path she knew she would not like to follow, and as such began to train and study ever more, allowing her free spirit and true personality to grow free, as Karask would have allowed and nurtured her through.

Her life became about bettering herself; Mind body and soul, through sheer force of will and difficult training. While she was quite popular with the other Younglings in the academy, her natural abilites, great looks and charisma giving her many admirers, her only true friends were the training droids and the holocrons which were given to the children to teach them more about the force after having been instructed by the Masters.

By age eight Mika had been trained arduously. Her body, which was generally thought of as weak for a Youngling, was more than made up for by her dedication to the Force. She trained her saberwork with a practice saber and a training droid, and sparred with many of the usually larger, stronger Younglings to increase her footwork skill, speed and timing. She sometimes worked herself into sickness through sheer determination, wearing her body out to the point where she was bedbound. Her determination and small size earned her moderate renown with the other Younglings and some of the elder Jedi at that time, a girl so small with the determination of a hundred.

Slowly her training eased to a point where it was very effective but did not tire herself out to the point where she was unable to continue. She did not weaken her body further, but strengthened it. She was truly dedicated to the force despite her age, ten years by this time, and surfaced her skills more on Force training through meditation, reading and practicing basic force techniques such as Push and Pull on circular training droids created for this particular act.

She began to grow in terms of stature, looks and ability by age eleven. Her saber training began to pay off and she was now fully capable of defending herself using the first art of Shii-Cho, but her greatest skill as she began to work towards her Padawan tests was her Force Abilities. For a Youngling they were rather extraordinary, at least around the same level as a real Padawan had, and because of this she knew her training had begun to pay off.

By age twelve Mika'ari had become an increasingly pretty but hard-headed, stubborn and fiery youth. She was brave and kind, sweet and nurturting, but had a powerful temper that the entire enclave knew of. Her training had given her a unique and lively grasp of the force, her greatest possible skill, while her saberwork was average for her age.

Shortly afterwards she was called upon by a jedi knight and told that she were to become a Padawan under one of the higher-ups in the Jedi Circle. The morning after she dressed herself in her new robes, wrapped her lekku in a braid as was usual for new padawan, and then slowly yet obviously nervously made her way towards the chambers of the Master she had been assigned to. She did not know who he or she was or even what specific rank he or she was, and for that matter she was rather excited when she knocked upon the door.

RP Sample: Her pink skin shone handsomely as she looked herself in the mirrior. A small smirk of self-worth slid upon her thin, plump lips as she wrapped her thin black padawan ribbons around her lekku, her eyes closing to concentrate as she did so. "So, I'm a Padawan now.." she mumbled gently to herself, shifted her head from side to side swiftly to make sure the ribbons would not unfix themselves.

She stepped out of her home and turned towards the testing area. She had one more task to complete to make sure she was a true Padawan. She had to spar one of the top combat students of her age group to a final decision, something she was at the upmost confidence about. She knew exactly who she was fighting as she stepped into the arena, her thoughts had brought her hear quite quickly.

She slowly walked onto the small platform surrounded by a small amount of other Padawan and a handful of the Knights and Masters watching for a new Padawan to train. As soon as she arrived on the arena platform the battle began, the taller near-humanoid, his dark skin shimmering in the spotlight and his bald head glistening with a sweat that obviously came from a furious anxiety, rushed forth and drew his training saber.

At the same moment Mika'ari sighed and withdrew her own; The boy was in Soresu form, a swift and decisive form focusing on attack. He was fast and seemed strong, she couldn't use Ataru against him, that could win but might allow him a few hits, losing her the battle. She nodded slightly and twisting her blade using the hilt, and then gasped the bottom of the hilt using her left hand, her right shooting to the top near the blade; She could feel the warmth and vibrations as they resonated through the training saber.

She brought it up swiftly, blocking a high blow from the males red-bladed saber, her own blue light connecting with his and the two echoing a deep 'Vreeew' sound as they cling together. She couldn't dodge backwards, she'd ring herself out. She had to wait. A few more easy blocks and her chance came, the male extending himself backwards and pulled both arms up, attempting to slice her vertically, and at this moment she tumbled to the right, moving clockwise around him. She hopped up as he turned and went on the offensive.

Soresu needed space to breath and because of his mistake his space was taken. He had his back against a wall and nowhere to go. She smirked as she swung her saber clockwise against her own shoulder, using the momentum to bring it up and attack his shoulder. He block barely and she instantly turned to bring a long, wide swipe towards his right abdominal, and he again made all attempts to barely block her advances.

She had him. She turned and slid back, tucking and rolling to allow her to move forwards and attack high with both hands on the blade. He had to use both of his to stop her from touching him. He growled angrily as he pushed back, moving the smaller girl slowly backwards. She smirked, and then suddenly released a hand and 'VROOSH!' came a gust of blue-tinted, water-like air that easily forced the larger male out of the arena and straight onto the floor. "I told you I had you. " she mumbled as he tumbled to the ground. She tapped her blade against the air, removing his burnt from from the blade, and then deactivated it, replacing it upon her hip.

[Cadyren]

Hey I'm Cadyren, I'm not a mod so you don't have to listen to what I have to say, but I'm going to give you a short review to try and help you get your character approved as soon as possible.

Lightsaber forms Your character shouldn't know any advanced forms at this age, but other then that your saber stats are fine. Also for future reference if Mikaaria fights defensively she wouldn't be able to properly use Ataru, as it is one of the more aggressive forms. She'd be better off learning Soresu or possibly Makashi.

Force Practices Your Force stats are a little high, I feel like someone her age should have only one four, and at most only two 3's.

Attributes They are fine for the most part except for the 4 in Ranged weapons, that should probably be a 1 at most.

---------------------------------

Onto the bio, I won't be able to properly review the beginning as I don't know much about Ryloth and the culture of the Twi'leks.

So onto her life as a Jedi.

I'm fairly positive that there is no 'higher group' of younglings. You are placed in a group depending on your age, not your skill level.

I would also like to add that is not customary for a youngling to become a Padawan at thirteen. If a youngling doesn't get chosen by a Knight or Master by thirteen they are sent to the Corps. So you should probably say something about her being chosen a little bit before her thirteenth birthday, not on her thirteenth birthday.

----------------------------

Well that's my two cents, I hope that I helped you. If you decide to edit your bio and want me to take another look just shoot me a PM. If not then that's fine.

Well anyways good luck with the bio and I hope you have a great time here on SWU once you get accepted.

[Jace]

Caydren's advice is sound.

As I stated in my PM, I merely gauged the app, I didnt review it.

Hopefully myself or a mod will be able to check it soon

[Twysper]

Harro Neon. =3

Seems you've pulled the demonic Jedi mod out of retirement.

~~~~~~~

As it stands, she's currently a bit underweight. A more appropriate weight would be around 100-ish. =3

That Jedi training builds muscles, after all. xD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the moment of her birth, fireworks were set upon the sky, created of old gunpowder that had not been used for thousands of used, but then the Twi'lek never were a very technological race.

Grammar. =3

And so, the couple named their named after the first thing she saw, Mikaari'ataris, meaning firework in Twi'leki.

Grammar. Echo. xD

The oddest moment of her young life took place one night a few weeks after her birth when a rare Ruthan Jedi appeared in the steppes surrounding the mountainside, and when asked about his presence here simply stated "All shall be revealed, Brother/Sister" before returning to his meditation.

There are no species listed as 'Ruthan' so I assume you typo'd Rutian, as in the species of Twi'leks. Quick fix. :3

Hearing this, but with great sorrow, the parents allowed the Jedi to take and care for the youngling as his own as he made his way back to a nearby onclave.

They made their way all over the nearby planets during the next year or so, the Jedi known as Karask raising the girl alone and with great pride, as if he were his actual father. It was for this reason that the man took so long to proceed along a journey that in all honesty should only have taken a month at the maximum. Shortly after her first birthday, Mika'ari was brought by Karask to the enclave of Jedi upon Coruscant, and by a stroke of pure luck was allowed the time to raise her partly because of his ability to stay upon the planet for planetary protection purposes. He raised the girl well, and taught her properly in the ways of her own kind and those of others, giving her the knowledge from a young age on how to speak Twi'leki and two other languages as he taught her Basic speak, and because of these acts her path to knowledge began rather early.

Couple of things here.

1. Why was Karask there in the first place?

2. Karask picks up a newborn force-sensitive child and proceeds to wander around a few planets for a year. Not gonna happen. That's normally about a week long event maximum.

The Jedi Council would've contacted him, and since, you know, the Jedi frown on attachments, there's no feasible reason he could give for not bringing her back right away.

3.. By enclave of Jedi on Coruscant I assume you mean the Jedi Temple, which is a pretty important distinction, as enclaves are generally smaller, whereas the Temple is essentially the HQ of the Order.

4. Planetary protection purposes isn't exactly a valid reason for one Jedi staying on Coruscant for some time. >.> For the record, the planet doesn't really stand to benefit from the added protection of one more Jedi, situated in the heart of the Republic with at least a couple hundred other Jedi already there as it is.

5. It's not like he's the only Twi'lek there that could teach her the customs and languages, and, again, the Jedi move to cut off attachment, so it's unfeasible for him to be her sole tutor as described. He could check in on her, of course, but the type of attention currently described is given to padawans, not younglings.

Also she's only two years old at this point in time.

Her training had given her a unique and lively grasp of the force, her greatest possible skill, while her saberwork was above-average for her age. Shortly after her birthday, as was customary, she was promoted from Youngling to the rank of Jedi Padawan.

This starts off by telling me that your character is above-average at everything. Considering that there's nothing between the ages of 7-12 to back that up other then that she pulled herself out of depression by applying herself to training, that's not going to work.

Padawans have to be promoted before their 13th birthday or else they're shipped off to the corps. So the age's here will need to change to represent that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho (3)
Makashi (0)
Soresu (0)
Ataru (2) > Jedi Younglings aren't taught anything other then Shii-cho, so she'd have no practical knowledge of this form yet. Now, I believe what you'd want the points in, when she does get them, is Soresu- a defensive form.
Shien / Djem So (0)
>>Sub-form Backhanded
Niman (0)
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield
Juyo (0)
Double Bladed Combat (0)

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 4 > Move one of the 4's to a 3.
Telepathic: 4 >
Body: 2 > 1
Sense: 2 > 1
Protection: 3 > Move one of the 3's to a 2.
Healing: 3>
Destruction: 0

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 3
Intelligence: 6
Speed: 5
Leadership: 4

Unarmed: 3 > 2
Melee Weapons: 2 > 1
Ranged Weapons: 4 > 1

Keep in mind what I've specified for stats is -if- you manage to sell that she's a prodigy-esque character. If you don't want to beef up the section of the bio between ages 7-12 I'll come back through with some other advised stat changes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I noticed a few confusions in regards to saber forms throughout this app.

To that end...

Ataru is an aggressive, acrobatic form.

Soresu is a passive form that focuses on defensive maneuvers to tire an opponent before striking.

You can wookieepedia both of those to get more information.


...That's all from me.

Good luck with your edits. =3

[Meira]

This thread has been locked until Kella has a chance to look at it.

For future reference, the writer of the app DOES have the right to request that only the section mod review the app.

[Jace]

Alright, I have cleaned up the thread as per applicant request.

For future reference, a person's application is not a place to have an argument.

Neon, I have left Twysper's review up because he essentially a Jedi mod.

If you want to be approved, I highly suggest you make the changes that he pointed out.

[neon]

Editted. Finally found a way to make all those random edits work. Though tbh I don't see how one would know how tall and heavy a teenage Twi'lek is. O.O

If there's anything else, please PM me. Anything posted on here by a normal member will be ignored, thank you. ^^

Edit: IMPORTANT THINGS! -IMPORTANT- If you PM me only to tell me something stupid like a grammar mistake, then I really couldn't care less; Not trying to be rude or mean, but I have a reason for it, and frankly it's not on the top of my 'to-do' list right now. Thanks.

[Kella]

It seems I am the penguin of the hour. xD I don't usually put my authority hat on, but the situation seems to demand it, so. Here we go. :3

Neon, first, you must know that SWU is very, very different from other role-play sites. We exist as more than a forum for game-playing -- rather, our declared purpose is to help make people better writers through cooperative story telling. Keep an open mind, and you'll find SWU very rewarding.

The reason people posted in your app is because we the staff encourage them to. A, It helps apps get approved faster. B, it puts less stress on mods. C, it helps the reviewing members to grow and learn by observing other applications.

They are not better than you, and they do not think they are better than you. But, neon, they know more about SWU than you. Existing members are an extremely valuable resource, and your attitude towards them has shown how very little you know about SWU.

But that's okay. We take all kinds here, which is why I love this site. xD

Now, I am very aware that this is coming across as me being morally superior. However, I feel my position and history as Mod, as well as my relationship with SWU gives me the authority to speak in such a way. If you disagree, then unfortunately, I feel SWU has very little to offer you.

However, if you will be open and receptive to the feedback I give you, you will find the experience very rewarding yet. ^^

That you very much for incorporating Twysper's feedback, as is word is as good as a mods, and I was going to have to tell you to do everything he'd mentioned anyway. xD

But let's get down to business here. On to the review!

---

--"When in combat she has a tendancy to always take the defensive; The best offence is a good defence is definately her motto"
This seems to contradict your earlier statements about her recklessness and impulsive nature... Being a defensive fighter requires a lot of patience and forethought. Now, people can be multi-faceted, believe you me. xD But it needs a little more elaboration to make sense. How is she both defensive and impulsive?

--"she would readily dive into the middle of a sith brigade to give her comrades time to retreat"
This is a rather aggressive move. So it fits in with the above, give me a little more about the intricacies of Mika's personality, so that this duality makes sense. xD

--"some may also see it as perfectly heroic and brave; Traits many Jedi lack entirely. "
Ngh, I'm leery of this generalization. I'd argue that most Jedi would be considered both heroic and brave. If they weren't, they woudln't have been accepted as Padawans and wouldn't have passed their trials. Gonna have to ask you to rephrase. :/ You could say something along the lines of, even in a world of heroic and brave Jedi, she stood out. That would be significant to Mika and appropriate of the Jedi.

--"This lso makes it much more wieldable and flexible, a great saber for Soresu and Shii-cho."
Actually, I'd think the shoto length would make Soresu and Shii-cho challenging, as there's lest blade with which to deflect for Soresu, and less length with which to reach and retaliate with Shii-cho, plus less leverage for the Djem So side of it. Using a shoto for manueverability is more of an Ataru thing, as the acrobatic form involves a lot of moving, and an Ataru practitioner can afford to get close to their opponent. Not necessarily a false statement, and she can certainly have a shoto, though it is a bit misleading. Just the 'weildable and flexible' bit would suffice, methinks. :3 Sounds a bit nitpickish, but I've got to keep things straight with the forms, or it gets really confusing really fast. X)



Force Stats:

Shii-Cho either needs to come down to a 2, or the 4 in Telekinesis to a 3. She's gotta have room to grow, after all. xD Stats are just kind of finicky at this age, definitely more guidlines than strict measures of ability.

--"Force Attunement: + 4."
I'd say a max of +3 for a 13 y/o, since she hasn't had her devotion to the Force tested yet.

---

--"Shortly after her first birthday, Mika'ari was brought by Karask to the Jedi temple upon Coruscant, and by a stroke of pure luck was allowed the time to raise her partly because of his ability to stay upon the planet for the purpose of his current assignment."
Before this, you don't mention that the Jedi's name was Karask, so I initially thought Karask was her father. xD Which would cause all sorts of issues. Just explicitly mention that Karask is the Jedi, and you should be good.

--"Karask traveled back and forth between his assignments and Coruscant, but never actually interacted with Mika for fear of her attaching herself to him."

--"Throughout the years that passed as her road to becoming a fully-fledged Jedi loomed, Mika'ari still saw Karask, but because of his having to exit the planet many times a year she saw him less and less as time passed, and by her seventh birthday he had all but disappeared."

These two paragraphs contradict each other. D: He didn't interact with her past age three, but he did? If he were concerned about her forming attachments, and observed her progress from afar, then she wouldn't be worried or traumatized by his disappearance. However, if she was worried by his disappearance, then he would have had to have been around a lot, and he would have made the mistake of letting her get attached. Which direction do you want to go?

--"She was rather unpopular in terms of friendships with the other Younglings as Mika spent basically no time around any other sentient, her only friends were the training droids and the holocrons..."
In your bio, you say that she's charismatic, but she can't really learn to be a charismatic leader if she spent most of her time around droids. X) Either she's charismatic because her natural potential was nurtured by a lot of interaction with other people, or her charismatic potential is untapped because of her isolation.

--"Shortly before her twelth birthday, as was customary, she was promoted from Youngling to the rank of Jedi Padawan. She continued though, sessions as long and arduous as ever, and her skills reached a peak as she reached her thirteenth and most important year to date."
Actually, while the timeframe is customary, the promotion is not. Many Jedi younglings never become Padawans, and are not trained further, but rather sent to work in the corps. This transition is less of a 'promotion' and more of the awarding of an apprenticeship. The shift to Padawan is marked by being assigned a specific master.
So, you're either going to have to make her 12, so that she can just now be getting a master, or move her taking of a master back by a year, and find a PC master who can have had her for the past year.

---

I little something I noticed, just stylistic feedback, so dun complain. xD This didn't cost you anything.

Anywho, I'd caution against informed traits and abilities. One can say a character is extremely intelligent, and everyone who talks to her knows it, but does that actually come out in RP dialogue? One can say that a character is extremely charismatic, but do their RP actions actually back that up? You can say they're creative, but do their comments in RP really come across that way?

That's the danger of hyping a character too much in description -- you can get peoples' expectations up to high, and have the character fall flat. Instead, I'd recommend toning back descriptions a bit, and letting that side of their personality come across in RP action and dialoge.

*step off soapbox*

Anywho. :3

That is all for now. ^^ If you have any questions, do let me know; some things make much more sense in context. xD Once you've made your edits, I'll give it another quick sweep-through and make sure everything's tidy. :3

[neon]

I..okay. Alot of the things seem extremely and exceedingly useless to remove because, well frankly they're just little glitches. The overall flow of the profile and the characters stats are basically fine. But sure, if that's what you want.

But anyway, you'll be waiting a while, I just don't have my muse anymore, this has sucked it all try, stomped it into the ground and thrown a few 'nades on top for extra emphasis.

[Kella]

Well, what if your computer glitched? Said it was shutting down when it's hibernating? I'd be ticked if Windows knew about it, but wouldn't fix it 'cause it was 'Just a little glitch'.

It may seem useless, but at the same time, it's the sort of edit that takes a minute each, tops. And isn't that worth it for quality of product?

I told you before, SWU's different. X) The more you dive into your character, and the more importance you put on finding all the depth and breadth you can give them, the more you'll find your muse return, and the more rewarding the writing experience. To me, that's what SWU's approval process has always been about.

As aforementioned, if you have any questions, just ask. :3 I may be busy, but I do like my job, and am always willing to share answers and suggestions.

[neon]

Okay, I'll do the edits now, but before I do I'd like to apolgoise to everyone for how I acted; Even though I did ask that nobody post on here, I could of just PM'ed them and told them again, instead of randomly acting like a mental patient who hadn't taken his ritalin.

And I thought Padawan were only allowed to have basic sabers? I mean, I'd prefer a tanto and Ataru as that would go more towards using her natural size and speed to her advantage, and later I'll have her use twin guard tanto like Maris Brood, who btw is -freakin' awesome!-. So like..a Tanto would give her move training than a long-bladed saber for that particular style. Though, two tanto would be even better..but I doubt that'd happen.

Anywho, sorry for acting like a jackass all day, was a long week. But I had an awesome time at my brothers birthday party last night and got so insanely wasted that I forgot why I was angry~~ ^^ Really, I'm not like that usually. - Wait, what was I saying now... .. ..I forget. - Oh, yeah! Padawan are only allowed to use Shii-cho, right? 'Cus again, Ataru would be more her style. Otherwise I'll give her a typical lightsaber and have her train the guard tanto later. ^^

Your choice, edit time.

EDIT:..Urm. I edited to say that I, urm, y'know..edited. *blink, blink* Hehe. Hope that's okay now. Made it so that Karask saw Mika sometimes to make sure she was growing properly despite the fact he knew he shouldn't be, but she never really saw him, though did keep memories of him which is why she was sad when he died. Not really a father-daughter thing, more a master-student thing.

I toned her down to twelve now, I think, and marked the bio down to compliment that. I also editted her height a few inches and her weight to match a twelve year old instead of a thirteen year old. Editted TK down to 3 to make it more grow-able in all her stats being the same kind of area.

Hope it's okay now. ^^

[Twysper]

Harro Neon. =3

S'all in the past. Let's see about getting you approved.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now there's only one line that makes me request a few little stat changes.

Hertraining had given her a unique and lively grasp of the force, her greatest possible skill, while her saberwork was average for her age.

For the record, the average saber stat in Shii-cho for a twelve year old is a 2. Notch the current 3 down to a 2.

(One point in a lightsaber form = 2 years of training, so there's a pretty significant difference between a 2 and a 3)

But for force stats, in compensation, you can move TK to a 4, and just drop one of the other 3's to a 2.

That's all I have to say. The bio's been cleaned up nicely. =3

I expect to approve you as soon as this is done. ^^

[neon]

Done. ^^

[neon]

Hi.

Just came to say that you can probably just forget about my profile. It's been a good month and a half now since I first posted it; I'm not really willing to wait any longer, though really I wasn't willing to wait more than few days being as it really doesn't take that long to check a profile and I have no understanding of how it could take almost two months to do so.

It sort of gives people a bad impression as it has with me, that we're just not important enough for the staff members time to check our apps which we obviously work very hard on, and is slightly depression in a way, so for those reasons I'll just have to exit the forum. Thank you for your help while I was here and goodbye.

[Kella]

v.v Now that -is- a bummer. If only you knew how packed my summer's been. X)

Anyway, moved to incomplete profiles...

[Jenno]

Profile moved back to pending per user request.

[neon]

Despite what I said before, go ahead and give me any constructive..criticism on anything you might think is wrong; At least that way I can get accepted quicker. Thanks.

Thank chu kindly Jenno. ^_^

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

Hey there neon. Nice to see you back. I remember being quite disappointed when you left, because your character was quite captivating. Welcome back.

So, here's a detailed review for you. My comments will all be in red, inserted directly into your app. I'm the guy who picks up on syntax and stuff, so be prepared for a bunch of trivial things to get observed as well as more serious ones.

Jun 19, 2011 7:33:14 GMT -5 neon said:

Name: Mikaari'ataris, styled Mikaaria Taris for common tongue. Or shortened even more to just 'Mika'
Race: Twi'lek
Age: 12
Height: 5'1
Weight: 95 lbs

Appearance: Mika'ari is a Lethan Twi'lek, the rarest of all the forms of twilekCapitalize and add the apostrophe. :3 and generally only seen in the company of exceedingly wealthy business men and, well, perverts also. What makes Mika'ari even more unique is that she has a rather uniqueYou don't need to say unique twice skin pigmentation causing her typical deep red colored skin to instead becoming a rather subtle pink coloring as a newborn. She is very good looking, having soft to the touch skin, typical arm-length lekku and slightly pointed ears, an oddity to her people. She has long, feminine eyelashes and bright green eyes, as well as pronounced yet slightly pouty lips and a thin nose with a slightly pronounced upturn to it, almost a perfect little button.

She wears in both of her lekku soft white ribbons which twist handsomely around each, ending in a small chain at the end of each lekku. The chain connects each lekku and seems to be melded to look like a braid of hair, signifying her rank as a Padawan. Upon her head and connected otto the other end of both rinnons is a small headband, colored black and with silver tassles on the end of each. These tassles signify her parents despite the fact she has never actually met them, and thus are significantly important to her; She wears them with pride.

In terms of clothing she wears the typical Padawan gear; A white off-grey shirt with matching trousers down to the ankle, brown or black shoesshoes or boots?, and two layers of white or grey robe covering the initial first layers of clothing which are then tied tightly lengthways and seperated by a fastened brown belt with a small silver buckle connecting the two halves of the belt.

Personality: She is said to be highly intelligent and seemed to possess some of the highest testing scores in the Jedi Academy as a youngling, thus her slightly early promotion to Padawan 12 wouldn't be early since 13th birthday is the deadline for getting sent to the Corps. Really it has everything to do with which master picks her and whether or not he/she thinks she is ready.. She is generally very forth-coming and is never bashful in her comments; If it is to be said, Mika'ari will definately say it. It will take a lot to shock her, she is usually unphased I used to spell it this way too, then I learned they want 'unfazed.' Weird, huh? in the face of danger or horror. However, she is a twelve-year-old Twi'lek female, and because of this and her intelligence she becomes rather bored easily, preferring to have some form of manual task to occupy her time than meditating or reading.

She is somewhat inpulsive and prefers to do things her own way, even if it sometimes breaks the Jedi codes; Some people can only be persuaded by somewhat underhanded or barbarian tactics. Because of this she is sometimes nicknamed 'Gray' because of her tendancies to act like a gray jedi to complete missions. She would never willingly betray the order, but her impulses make it difficult to stop herself. She is very kind and thoughtful as most of her kind are, and will -generally- never lose her cool unless her master is in danger, in which case she blatantly turns into a psychopath and would literally do anything to save him.

As of this she is fiercely loyal and courageous, two traits that make her something of the 'perfect jedi' archtype; Well, if you don't take into account her other personality traits. She is prone to childish overconfidence; Granted she is quite talented for a Padawan and has a lot of unlocked potential, but she seems to think she can easily take on the world and their masters with ease, something that is likely to get her in trouble in the near future, she believes strongly in her masters teachings and will not stand any other person downplaying his abilities, which would annoy her greatly. She is known to disregard her own safety in the place of others, and will readily give her own body as a shield for an unarmed person if need be, and in this way is exceedingly selfless to a tee.

When in combat she has a tendancy to always take the offensive; 'The best defence is a good -saber to the face- is definately her motto, granted she changes her motto like she changes her clothing but, still. In reality, Mika'ari is something of a little hero, she would readily dive into the middle of a sith brigade to give her comrades time to retreat without anything of a second thought, and while some might think this to be idiotic, some may also see it as perfectly heroic and brave; Even in a world of entirely brave heroes, Mika definately stands out. She prefers not to remember names, as her memory definately isn't the best, and has a little habit of calling her master 'Tats' in reminiscense of his many and varied tattoo's, though she does know his name well. You worked out a master before I think, but have you checked in to see if they're still available?

She has fair skill with leadership, talented and charismatic, but as usual she thinks she can do every single job herself, sometimes leading troops to just sort of..forget her orders, because generally she would have done most them herself by the end of the day.

I'm in love with your personality section. I feel like holding this up as a shining example with the caption 'this is what a personality section should be like.' No complaints here really.

Birth place: Ryloth

Faction: Jedi
Rank: Padawan

Lightsaber: A standard lightsaber with a slightly shorter blade for easier use by somebody of Mika'ari's size. This makes it much more wieldable and flexible. I believe that would be a shoto.
Color: Violet

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho (2)
Makashi (0)
Soresu (0)
Ataru (0)
Shien / Djem So (0)
>>Sub-form Backhanded
Niman (0)
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield
Juyo (0)
Double Bladed Combat (0)

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 4
Telepathic: 2
Body: 1
Sense: 1
Protection: 2
Healing: 3
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills: N/A

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 3
Intelligence: 6 In her mind perhaps, but she is still just 12. I don't think this should be higher than 5. Smart little cookie though, right?
Speed: 5
Leadership: 4

Unarmed: 2
Melee Weapons: 1
Ranged Weapons: 1

Force Attunement: + 3. Fairly light-sided and very brave and giving, however her temper can sometimes flair giving her a chance to head towards the dark-side. She needs training in this area. We're better off just having the number here, keeps it a bit cleaner. You've already got the downside covered in your personality section

Bio: Ryloth. Dry, harsh, almost inhospitable to all but the hardiest of races. A small tribe of Twi'lek gathered around their ancient mountain-side homes in preperation for their nightly rituals and rest. Two of them however were rather anxious for that specific night; A male and a female sat close in a small enclave on the east side of the mountain, nearest the bottom, a rather dank and garish home if there ever was one. The male and female were anxious for a reason, their first child was on the way as they sat there, and just a few hours later a small bundle of pink flesh with rather sweet, large eyes sat upon her mothers breast. At the moment of her birth, fireworks were set upon the sky, created of old gunpowder that had not been used for thousands of years, but then the Twi'lek never were a very technological race Citation needed? Heh heh.

And so, the couple named their child after the first thing she saw, Mikaari'ataris, meaning firework in Twi'lekiThe first name perhaps, but the second name would be her clan name. Normally everyone in a city is the same clan.. Mikaari'ataris was raised in traditional customs, blessed by the elders and with many odd rituals. The oddest moment of her young life took place one night a few weeks after her birth when a rare Rutian Jedi appeared in the steppes surrounding the mountainside, and when asked about his presence here simply stated "All shall be revealed, Brother/Sister" before returning to his meditation. The only information he did give the community as a whole was a name: 'Karask'. However, none of the Twi'lek who heard of him ever dove deeper into the situation, and none truly knew if this was his real name or not.

Approximately one week later, a month after the child was born and all the needed preperations had taken place according to tradition, the Jedi made his way up the steppes and into the mountain home of the two.

He spoke to the couple and told them of their daughter, he told them that their child was extremely sensitive to a thing named 'The Force', a mystical semi-entity which did infact guide all beings, even those not connected to it by will. He performed a test using a small kit he drew from his robes, and detective detected with great shock that the youngling has a midi-chlorian count of nearly thirteen thousand per individual cell, an extraordian amount for highly force-sensitive creatures, let alone a Twi'leki I always advise people to avoid mentioning specific numbers, there's several reasons for this. First off its laziness. I don't know what the benchmark is, so I'd have to go hunt for it. Then I have to guess what it is for the species in question. Then finally I have to make a judgment as to whether or not it's too high. So it's much better if you simply say 'higher than average' or 'quite high for a Twi'lek.'. Hearing this, but with great sorrow, the parents allowed the Jedi to take and care for the youngling as his own as he made his way back to a nearby onclave.

However, Mika was quite sick as a child, and as such was unable to be taken from Ryloth until her body was strong enough to survive the journey. Purely for this reason the council allowed Karask to keep Mika on Ryloth for that year, allowing her body to grow to a point where she could be taken from the planet safely.

Shortly after her first birthday, Mika'ari was brought by Karask to the Jedi temple upon Coruscant, and by a stroke of pure luck was allowed the time to raise her partly because of his ability to stay upon the planet for the purpose of his current assignment Syntax is a bit wonky here, could use some fixing. Also, what assignment, and why not have the nursery raise her? I can totally understand though if you have him hanging around the nursery and keeping tabs on Mika though.. They raised the girl well, and taught her properly in the ways of her own kind and those of others, giving her the knowledge from a young age on how to speak Twi'leki and two other languagesWhich languages? As a reminder, most Twi'leks know Ryl, Lekku, and Basic. as he taught her Basic speak, and because of these acts her path to knowledge began rather early. Karask traveled back and forth between his assignments and Coruscant, but never actually interacted with Mika for fear of her attaching herself to him.

At age three, like most other younglings, Mika'ari was placed into a group based on her current age range when she arrived, and so was placed in the eldest group. Here she learnt from her clan-mates and in turn taught them what little knowledge she had. Throughout the years that passed as her road to becoming a fully-fledged Jedi loomed, Karask still sometimes saw Mika from afar and heard of her sometimes reckless expoilts in the academy, but by the time she began to truly see the world around her for what it was, he had left her. He began to seperate her from himself as she began to grow older.

She pushed herself far harder than before as she learnt a few weeks later that he had been killed by enemy forces saving a group of unarmed civilians in a battle on her home planet. Having been dealt such a blow, Mika'ari realised that sorrow would only lead her down a path she knew she would not like to follow, and as such began to train and study ever more, allowing her free spirit and true personality to grow free, as Karask would have allowed and nurtured her through.

Her life became about bettering herself; Mind body and soul, through sheer force of will and difficult training. While she was quite popular with the other Younglings in the academy, her natural abilites, great looks and charisma giving her many admirers, her only true friends were the training droids and the holocrons which were given to the children to teach them more about the force after having been instructed by the Masters.

By age eight Mika had been trained arduously. Her body, which was generally thought of as weak for a Youngling, was more than made up for by her dedication to the Force. She trained her saberwork with a practice saber and a training droid, and sparred with many of the usually larger, stronger Younglings to increase her footwork skill, speed and timing. She sometimes worked herself into sickness through sheer determination, wearing her body out to the point where she was bedbound. Her determination and small size earned her moderate renown with the other Younglings and some of the elder Jedi at that time, a girl so small with the determination of a hundred.

Slowly her training eased to a point where it was very effective but did not tire herself out to the point where she was unable to continue. She did not weaken her body further, but strengthened it. She was truly dedicated to the force despite her age, ten years by this time, and surfaced her skills more on Force training through meditation, reading and practicing basic force techniques such as Push and Pull on circular training droids created for this particular act.

So, one gap you can fill in here to help improve is the topic of friends. Did she have any? If so, what were their names? Ages? Species? Did she have a favorite Youngling instructor?

She began to grow in terms of stature, looks and ability by age eleven. Her saber training began to pay off and she was now fully capable of defending herself using the first art of Shii-Cho, but her greatest skill as she began to work towards her Padawan tests was her Force Abilities. For a Youngling they were rather extraordinary, at least around the same level as a real Padawan had, and because of this she knew her training had begun to pay off.

By age twelve Mika'ari had become an increasingly pretty but hard-headed, stubborn and fiery youth. She was brave and kind, sweet and nurturting, but had a powerful temper that the entire enclave knew of. Her training had given her a unique and lively grasp of the force, her greatest possible skill, while her saberwork was average for her age.

Shortly afterwards she was called upon by a jedi knight and told that she were to become a Padawan under one of the higher-ups in the Jedi Circle. The morning after she dressed herself in her new robes, wrapped her lekku in a braid as was usual for new padawan, and then slowly yet obviously nervously made her way towards the chambers of the Master she had been assigned to. She did not know who he or she was or even what specific rank he or she was, and for that matter she was rather excited when she knocked upon the door.

RP Sample: Her pink skin shone handsomely as she looked herself in the mirrior. A small smirk of self-worth slid upon her thin, plump lips as she wrapped her thin black padawan ribbons around her lekku, her eyes closing to concentrate as she did so. "So, I'm a Padawan now.." she mumbled gently to herself, shifted her head from side to side swiftly to make sure the ribbons would not unfix themselves.

She stepped out of her home and turned towards the testing area. She had one more task to complete to make sure she was a true Padawan. She had to spar one of the top combat students of her age group to a final decision, something she was at the upmost confidence about. She knew exactly who she was fighting as she stepped into the arena, her thoughts had brought her hear quite quickly.

She slowly walked onto the small platform surrounded by a small amount of other Padawan and a handful of the Knights and Masters watching for a new Padawan to train. As soon as she arrived on the arena platform the battle began, the taller near-humanoid, his dark skin shimmering in the spotlight and his bald head glistening with a sweat that obviously came from a furious anxiety, rushed forth and drew his training saber.

At the same moment Mika'ari sighed and withdrew her own; The boy was in Soresu form, a swift and decisive form focusing on attack. He was fast and seemed strong, she couldn't use Ataru against him, that could win but might allow him a few hits, losing her the battle. She nodded slightly and twisting her blade using the hilt, and then gasped the bottom of the hilt using her left hand, her right shooting to the top near the blade; She could feel the warmth and vibrations as they resonated through the training saber.

She brought it up swiftly, blocking a high blow from the males red-bladed saber, her own purple light connecting with his and the two echoing a deep 'Vreeew' sound as they cling together. She couldn't dodge backwards, she'd ring herself out. She had to wait. A few more easy blocks and her chance came, the male extending himself backwards and pulled both arms up, attempting to slice her vertically, and at this moment she tumbled to the right, moving clockwise around him. She hopped up as he turned and went on the offensive.

Soresu needed space to breath and because of his mistake his space was taken. He had his back against a wall and nowhere to go. She smirked as she swung her saber clockwise against her own shoulder, using the momentum to bring it up and attack his shoulder. He block barely and she instantly turned to bring a long, wide swipe towards his right abdominal, and he again made all attempts to barely block her advances.

She had him. She turned and slid back, tucking and rolling to allow her to move forwards and attack high with both hands on the blade. He had to use both of his to stop her from touching him. He growled angrily as he pushed back, moving the smaller girl slowly backwards. She smirked, and then suddenly released a hand and 'VROOSH!' came a gust of blue-tinted, water-like air that easily forced the larger male out of the arena and straight onto the floor. "I told you I had you. " she mumbled as he tumbled to the ground. She tapped her blade against the air, removing his burnt from from the blade, and then deactivated it, replacing it upon her hip.

OK, so overall impressions: still love. But...

You really need to run this through a word processor, there's some distracting spelling errors. But I say that to 9/10 apps.

Good luck!

[neon]

*Kidnaps Lmr, runs away* Mine! <.<

-- THE MIDI-CHLORIAN'S!..T..THERE OVER NINE THOUSAND!!!!!! *Crushes scouter droid* Sorry, had to.

*Clears throat* Now then. I think I editted everything but a few things which I'll explain now. She had no friends except that Jedi dewd, thus why she has failface charisma and leadership and such. She only spent time around others when she actually had to.

The assigment that he was assigned to... *Shifty eyes, coughs* Totally. -- Yeah I have no idea, I just put it in for a 'lil bit of fodder on the way to the real story and such. ^_^

[Clarylla]

Mmkay, lmr and the mods and admins and everyone else pretty much said what I would've noted...but I do want to point one thing out:

Lightsaber: A standard lightsaber with a slightly shorter blade for easier use by somebody of Mika'ari's size. This makes it much more wieldable and flexible.
Color: Violet

A newly-chosen padawan does not have a lightsaber of his or her own yet; that usually doesn't occur until around fifteen or even later. (This is also an event that must be at least mentioned in passing in the bio, if only to say that padawan X built her lightsaber at point Y in her training.) For now, she should have a training lightsaber. These come in pretty colors of light blue and light green, and are locked into a power level that will leave a burn but not much else. Fix that, and it ought to be pretty kosher. ^^